Marriage - Why do it?

Ashlinggnilsia

I get your point but as i said i do think people see marriage in different ways and i think makes people feel a certain way whether the thought makes them happy or wince its all do to with feeling, i dont think there is a right or wrong way you cant tell a person their feelings are wrong.

I asked him last night after i came accross the post just to clarify and he said that he doesnt think its necessary and i would agree its not necessary. Same way its not necessary for me to drink a cup of tea i could live without it but it would be nice!

And if you dont get married simply because you are afraid you might get divorced well i think if you are worrying about it maybe you shouldn't i would imagine that most people who get married feel its for the rest of their life at that point and time and don't doubt that they will be.... though they may still get divorced at some stage... On the other hand if we were to worry about everything that could go wrong not just with marriage but with other things we would get nowhere.

In relation to divorce itself i wouldnt expect something im not due. I really dont get why some couples where the other is better off has to pay a load of money to the other. The other worked for it so i see it as theirs. Obviously its different though if one member of the couple was working and the other was minding the children then it would get complicated. Like the way we are at the moment well when i was working was say if we were to get a takeaway twice a week i would pay for it once and he would pay for it the other it balances itself out so i wouldnt feel guilty. But since i dont have a job i do feel guilty about him paying for stuff but at the end of the day i know that when he goes back to college next year he wont have alot of money and i will be finished and will hopefully be in full time employment and i will be the one helping him out!

Im not old fashioned and dont think the man has to pay for everything i think it should be equal i would feel guilty if he was paying for stuff all the time. And i know that he isnt going to be finished in college for 5 years and i will be finished by summer or maybe one more year but if i save up money for a deposit for a house or anything say 20 grand and if he wanted his name on the house aswel i would expect him to pay 20 grand then towards it so we equally own it and have equally paid for it! I think it would be slightly naive to put his name down on a house with me and he not pay for a cent of it! Again just my personal opinion.

By the way i just read your link there! I know you can never really 100% know a person but i dont think i would do that to him if we had children! I just dont I dont think its fair. I think a child needs both parents equally! If your not married but have a child with someone those things can still happen! P.S. i have witnessed that sort of behaviour in couples and i couldnt do it to a child they are the ones that suffer in those circumstances! Unless obviously you did believe that the other posed a threat or danger to your child where you witnessed violence/neglect etc! I think you would have to trust the other person and know that if you were to break up and you had a child with them that they would be fair and not spiteful! But i do personally believe fathers should have more rights! I think if i had a child and then something like that happened and i went from seeing it every day to every other weekend i dont think i could cope with that!

The Corinthian

Ashlinggnilsia wrote: »

I asked him last night after i came accross the post just to clarify and he said that he doesnt think its necessary and i would agree its not necessary. Same way its not necessary for me to drink a cup of tea i could live without it but it would be nice!

A cup of tea is a poor example as last time I checked there was absolutely no chance that a cup of tea might irrevocably change your life for the worse, and (in light of divorce) that is what can happen with marriage.

On the other hand if we were to worry about everything that could go wrong not just with marriage but with other things we would get nowhere.

I agree. But you pick the risks you're willing to take in life. Some start their own businesses and go into hock. Others move to live another country. Or join the French Foreign Legion. Every lifestyle choice has its own risks and if we judge them to be too high, we don't do them.

In relation to divorce itself i wouldnt expect something im not due.

That's the key phrase though, isn't it? Unfortunately family law reckons that the financially weaker (for bonus points, female) spouse is due quite a bit, and in that light it becomes a lot easier to believe that you are due this - it is a legal right, after all.

Obviously its different though if one member of the couple was working and the other was minding the children then it would get complicated.

So the spouse who was minding the children during the marriage should not go out and get a job after the marriage is over? It's not child support we're talking about, but supporting the spouse.

Of course, legally even our constitution (Art. 41.2.2) reckons that "mothers shall not be obliged by economic necessity to engage in labour to the neglect of their duties in the home", so I suppose someone else will have to foot the bill there. Love how this only applies to mothers, btw.

I think it would be slightly naive to put his name down on a house with me and he not pay for a cent of it! Again just my personal opinion.

Well if he married you and you lived in the house, he wouldn't need to pay a cent to have a legal claim on it.

By the way i just read your link there! I know you can never really 100% know a person but i dont think i would do that to him if we had children! I just dont I dont think its fair. I think a child needs both parents equally!

The child issue is more relevant in the US and is rapidly becoming irrelevant to the Irish situation. In practical terms the only difference between being a married and unmarried father is that the latter needs to apply for guardianship, which is increasingly granted and may soon become standard.

My mistake; you get tax brakes on child maintenance if you were married. That is the only other difference.

So I would not really confuse the two issues.

Ashlinggnilsia

Im not arguing with you though you bring up good points! All im sayin is i think its different for everyone and what they feel is they way it is you cant deny a persons feelings and tell them their feelings are wrong!

Re:The cup of tea....thats the way id look at marriage its not a necessity i dont need it... Its not going to mean the end of a relationship if it doesnt happen but for me personally i would like for it to happen someday!

And re the what im due part... in my eyes i would be due what i put in... if i were to contribute equally to the household in every aspect i think things should be halved! If i didnt contribute 50/50 i wouldnt expect 50 is what im saying i would only expect what i contributed like i would personally be pissed if i had to pay him a load of money and the hole time he just sat on his ass watching telly!

And re the its different if one is working and the other minding children.... i do not mean to say that the woman/man would then no longer have to work after the divorce... i would image the reason in most couples one stays at home is because the wage they would be earning would be the amount they would spend on child care so there is no point in them working...... I mean to say that if one was working and the other minding the children for the above reason they are still contributing to the household because if they didnt mind the children they would be earning and paying for the childcare which would then balance it out so the judge then would have to work out how much the parent that stays at home minding the children how much that was worth as a contribution to the household!

Im not having an argument with you either all im going to do is explain my points more clearly not argue because im not going to tell you your reasons for wanting/ not wanting to get married are wrong because i dont think one can argue that case.... its a personal decision!

The Corinthian

Ashlinggnilsia wrote: »

Im not arguing with you though you bring up good points! All im sayin is i think its different for everyone and what they feel is they way it is you cant deny a persons feelings and tell them their feelings are wrong!

Sure I can. I have no problem considering the 'feelings' a homicidal maniac as wrong, for example. Just because you 'feel' something does not make it right, and even if it is right just for you, then you really cannot apply them to marriage or even parenting, because what is right for you is not necessarily right for the other person.

All before one considers what is right and what one might 'feel' now against what they consider what is right and 'feel' in one, five, ten or twenty years, as it may be quite different.

Re:The cup of tea....thats the way id look at marriage its not a necessity i dont need it... Its not going to mean the end of a relationship if it doesnt happen but for me personally i would like for it to happen someday!

If the consequences of a marriage going bad were the same as a bad cup of tea, I'd take your example more seriously.

I'd also be married. Possibly for the fourteenth time.

Ashlinggnilsia

The Corinthian wrote: »

Sure I can. I have no problem considering the 'feelings' a homicidal maniac as wrong, for example. Just because you 'feel' something does not make it right, and even if it is right just for you, then you really cannot apply them to marriage or even parenting, because what is right for you is not necessarily right for the other person.

What do you mean that like what i says goes.... if you read above i already said that if the person i wanted to get married didnt want to get married it wouldnt be the end of the world i would prefer not to be married then for them to marry for the sake of making me happy i would want them to want it too and if they dont there is no point

All before one considers what is right and what one might 'feel' now against what they consider what is right and 'feel' in one, five, ten or twenty years, as it may be quite different.

If the consequences of a marriage going bad were the same as a bad cup of tea, I'd take your example more seriously.

I dont care whether you take my example seriously or not... for me personally thats how i see marriage... it would be nice but it wouldnt be the end of the feckin world if it never happened! I said me and me alone not you not anybody else me!

I'd also be married. Possibly for the fourteenth time.

Obviously not everybody agrees with me and i dont expect people to all im saying is for me personally its not the end of the world if i dont id like to but meh!

Re the feelings my point is that you cant tell someone that if someone says they dont feel loved you cant tell them they do and it be so... it just doesnt work like that! An opinion is a different thing! Like i actually dont know why your picking away at everything i say at the end of the day your not going to change your mind about marriage and neither am I. Not once did i say THIS IS WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS ABOUT MARRIAGE....did I? No its just my own personal opinion/Feeling on the matter and your not going to change it!