Problem with "the Truth".

LegacyUser

looking for a bit of advice.

been with my GF for a number of yrs. Have a baby togther and another one on the way.

GF suffered with depression/paranoia during pregnancy and post-natal depression afterwards.

now here's the issue. During her pregnancy she was convinced that i was seeing a massive number of other women. When i counted them out it came to 8, from people working in shops to her own sister. While i did try to convince her that i wasn't, everything i did made her believe it more and more that i was. So coming home late from work meant i was off seeing someone (and im not talking hours late - 20mins would set her off), coming home late for lunch (5mins late), being stressed equated to me being pissed off that i couldn't see the other person etc etc.

While i tried to assure her as much as i could, i began seeing myself (a) doing less and less so there could be no accusations (b) feeling relieved if i met one of her friends when i was out who could vouch to the fact i was where i said i was (c) not going into work early and rushing home from work straight away to the detriment of my work (im falling behind on everything) so she couldn't accuse me of cheating (d) interacting with my friends less as she has suspicions about all of them

She also likes to discuss things at night so when we're in bed, about to nod off, she starts with the accusations whch ends up with me eventually falling asleep at 3.00am when i cant stay awake anymore, then up at 7 for work

This has lead to a situation where she is convinced that i have been seeing someone else and that we can't move on until i tell her "the truth". Now the truth is that i haven't been seeing anyone but thats not the answer she wants to hear.

the question is do i tell her that i have been seeing someone just so we can move on or do i sticjk to my guns, risk my relationship and (possibly) miss out on my kids growing up?

im at my wits end and some advice would be greatly appreciated.

Silverfish

Was she like this at all before, or just since the pregnancies?


What you need to do is head her off at the pass. Don't wait for an accusation and then defend yourself, start the conversation yourself.

Ask her to sit down, and clearly and calmly tell her you are not cheating on her now, and you have not cheated on her, and suggest that you both attend counselling immediately as you want to have this resolved.

I'd suggest you also make the appointment for counselling also - otherwise these things get put on the back burner and never actually happen. It may even get through to her a bit more when she sees you've taken this step yourself.

She is not being rational, and she can't really see she's not being rational, and she's tying herself in knots over it. This will be extremely bad for her, the baby, your current child and you.

ManOfMystery

sadman wrote: »

the question is do i tell her that i have been seeing someone just so we can move on or do i sticjk to my guns, risk my relationship and (possibly) miss out on my kids growing up?

You think by telling her what she 'wants' to hear, you can move on? Think again. Things will only get a hundred times worse if you imply to her in any shape or form that you have been cheating - even though you haven't. Telling her a lie like this to appease her is a BAD move.

She obviously has huge trust issues, as these only manifested during the pregnancy they obviously stem from her depression and could even be hormonally related. You need to sit her down when she's in a calm and collected state, as already said, and put it to her that the relationship is falling apart because of her insecurities and you both need to attent counselling of some kind.

paperclip2

Pregnancy does seem to activate all the crazy hormones, (well it did in me). Would it do any good to talk to her family. Is she close to them or is there anyone that she does believe /trust that could speak to her.
Right now she seems to be so disbelieving of anything you tell her that she wont really 'hear' anything you have say.

Best of luck with this OP. I hope it gets better.

Peewee_lane

Can you talk to her/ your parents about this?

sachamama

hi
im pregnant right now as i write this and have been affected by panic attacks about things that normally wouldnt upset me. I just pass it off as part of the pregnancy and let them pass through me.

so perhaps she is struggling with her pregnancy for some other reason, and you, being the closest person to her, are bearing the brunt or the focus of it.
if its a trust issue, it could be a lack of trust that she has in herself to be a good mother, or a lack of trust that she can cope with another baby. the obvious thing is to project this onto you and blame you for something that she can imagine to be real, but in reality isnt at all.

perhaps you need to ask her if she is ok, if she feels she can cope with another baby. if she feels you are not there for her, where in fact you actually are, perhaps she needs additional support around her while she gains confidence in her situation.

as long as you know in your heart that you love her you'll get through this. I hope some of this helps,
sachamama

LegacyUser

Has she seen a GP or health care professional regarding her depression. I certainly would not go admitting to things you didn't do. Honestly it seems to me like something she should see a professional about. Although I can see how saying "no I'm not cheating - I think you should see a Doctor' might not go own so well. But didn't you say she is also depressed - has she seen anyone for that ?

bSlick

You should've grown a pair of balls ages ago when this nonsense started and tell her it's not on. Seriously she has treated you like sh*t, and has been extremely disrepectful to accuse you multiple times of things you haven't done. Instead of getting angry, which would be the correct response in this situation, you acted like a complete doormat, and look where that has got you, pussywhipped to the extreme.

You need to realise that that you shouldn't be going on the defensive when she accuses you of this crap, you shouldn't be constantly denying things she has no rational reason to be accusing you off, you should be firm and tell her 'This is some f*cking paranoid delusional nonsense you've been giving me, I don't want to hear about it anymore, if you can't stop then we are finished.'

LegacyUser

Information on PostNatal Depression
http://www.pnd.ie/

LegacyUser

Reading your post is like a flashback to the first few years of my marriage. Firstly you have done nothing wrong and you should never make up something to get out of the situation as the truth always comes out and if she finds out you lied about the truth she will think everything else is a lie.

You have to make a stand and state out quiet clearly how you feel about the whole situation. Not being crude your wife has the problem not you, and she needs help.

In my situation it turns out that there was alot of mistrust and unfaithfullness in her family which without her knowing had effected her perception of relationships and reality. She needs help and reassurance and it will be a hard road with ups and downs.

Sit down talk openly and you will see a pattern from her past

Penn

I think you just need to sit down with her and calmly explain that you are not, nor have you ever cheated on her, and explain how the constant questioning is making you feel. Suggest counselling also, as it will show that you have nothing to hide, and will also get her the help she needs for her paranoia.

For the love of God don't say you have been cheating in order to get some peace and quiet. While you're worried that she doesn't trust what you say is the truth and will kick you out, do you honestly think saying you were cheating, even though you weren't, won't have the same effect?

RuailleBuaille

bSlick wrote: »

You should've grown a pair of balls ages ago when this nonsense started and tell her it's not on. Seriously she has treated you like sh*t, and has been extremely disrepectful to accuse you multiple times of things you haven't done. Instead of getting angry, which would be the correct response in this situation, you acted like a complete doormat, and look where that has got you, pussywhipped to the extreme.

You need to realise that that you shouldn't be going on the defensive when she accuses you of this crap, you shouldn't be constantly denying things she has no rational reason to be accusing you off, you should be firm and tell her 'This is some f*cking paranoid delusional nonsense you've been giving me, I don't want to hear about it anymore, if you can't stop then we are finished.'

Possibly the most unhelpful post I've ever seen on PI.

The OP doesn't want to finish it. He came on here looking for ways to SOLVE his problem, not make it worse.

His wife is not in control of her emotions atm and giving her an ultimatum is beyond ridiculous.

OP I think you can either ride the storm out and hope for the best (not the best option) or you can, as another poster said, approach her first and discuss how her accusations are making you feel. Reassurance is key here, even though it has to be very draining for you and I do sympathise. Did she have trust issues before this pregnancy or the first one? If not, then there is still hope! If so, I think counselling is the only course of action, you need to get her in a space where she can HEAR what you're saying rather than turn it against you. I wish you the very best, you seem like a lovely guy who really wants it to work.

994

tbh this is psychological abuse, imagine if a man wouldn't let his wife leave the house except to go to work, and only let her sleep 4 hours a night. That's what you've described, and if that's an exaggeration now it won't be in a year or two. Abusers only get worse with time. Unfortunately, you're a man so escaping with the children is not going to happen: if she makes something up, who are the gardaí and courts going to believe? Your access will be minimal unless you can actually prove her to be an unfit parent - look at Kerry Katona, a bankrupt cocaine addict who's been arrested for assault, yet the dad still has to fight her for custody.

Moomoo1

994 wrote: »

tbh this is psychological abuse, imagine if a man wouldn't let his wife leave the house except to go to work, and only let her sleep 4 hours a night. That's what you've described, and if that's an exaggeration now it won't be in a year or two. Abusers only get worse with time. Unfortunately, you're a man so escaping with the children is not going to happen: if she makes something up, who are the gardaí and courts going to believe? Your access will be minimal unless you can actually prove her to be an unfit parent - look at Kerry Katona, a bankrupt cocaine addict who's been arrested for assault, yet the dad still has to fight her for custody.

even if he could escape with the children legally, he can't do so physically, since one of them hasn't been born?

sachamama

994 wrote: »

tbh this is psychological abuse, imagine if a man wouldn't let his wife leave the house except to go to work, and only let her sleep 4 hours a night. That's what you've described, and if that's an exaggeration now it won't be in a year or two. Abusers only get worse with time. Unfortunately, you're a man so escaping with the children is not going to happen: if she makes something up, who are the gardaí and courts going to believe? Your access will be minimal unless you can actually prove her to be an unfit parent - look at Kerry Katona, a bankrupt cocaine addict who's been arrested for assault, yet the dad still has to fight her for custody.

I'm wondering why you have jumped so far ahead and accused her of abuse... it sounds like you have a lot of issues yourself that you need to deal with.

OS119

sachamama wrote: »

I'm wondering why you have jumped so far ahead and accused her of abuse... it sounds like you have a lot of issues yourself that you need to deal with.

i'd say constant, long term, open, suspission and hassling you about where you've been, and who you've been with - combined with deliberate sleep deprivation would fall into the category of 'abuse'.

she may have no control over it, but that doesn't make the experience any less unpleasent for the poor bugger who gets to live with it.

no one in their right might is going to put up with this forever, regardless of whether its 'medical' problem or whether its a 'mardy cow' problem, so action needs to be taken to attempt to salvage the relationship - so, either she talks to her doctor about depression, she STFU's and sorts herself out, or yer man walks.

bSlick

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

Possibly the most unhelpful post I've ever seen on PI.

That is a joke of a statement, and I actually think your post offers zero solutions and I've outlined why below.

The OP doesn't want to finish it. He came on here looking for ways to SOLVE his problem, not make it worse.

Where did I tell him to finish it? I told him the time has come for an ultimatum. I know he doesn't want to finish it but if she doesn't change, is there any other option? Or should he just put up with it and let her make him miserable for the rest of her life? If she doesn't change and there are no guarantees that she will, what should he do?

His wife is not in control of her emotions atm and giving her an ultimatum is beyond ridiculous.

So she is acting like a complete bitch for probably two years now, considering it has been going for two pregnancies but it's ok to excuse her because she is 'not in control of her emotions'. Does anyone take any personal responisility these days or does everyone just excuse terrible behaviour by saying they were depressed, had a bad upbringing, etc... If he was beating her for two years, or treating her with complete disrespect for two years because he wasn't in control of his emotions, due to depression, temper problems, etc... would you be excusing him for his behaviour as easily? It seems like these days 'depression' gives people license to treat others like dirt and get away with it. 'Not in control of her emotions'...come off it, two years of treating her BF with total disrespect...she's a grown woman, there's no excuse for prolonged, despicable behaviour like this.

And why is giving her an ultimatum ridiculous, he has tried talking to her again and again for two years, and she hasn't listened. The situation seems to have actually gotten worse. He should have one more talk with her about this situation, explain his position, tell her she has a choice to make and give her time to think it over and come back to him with her answer - which will be either she realises she needs to get a grip on reality and try and make their relationship work, or else that she is going to keep going with the paranoid delusions and continue making his life a misery, in which case he should leave.

OP I think you can either ride the storm out and hope for the best (not the best option) or you can, as another poster said, approach her first and discuss how her accusations are making you feel.

Well riding out the storm isn't an option because if she has been at this for two years and this is now the norm for their relationship it is not going to stop. And he has already talked to her multiple times about this, which Im sure includes telling her how he feels, the problem is she doesn't listen. You say my post was useless, and then you go and advise him to tell her 'how her accusations are making him feel' as a solution...when that is what he has been doing since this started and it has not helped at all. Now that is a useless suggestion.

Reassurance is key here, even though it has to be very draining for you and I do sympathise. Did she have trust issues before this pregnancy or the first one? If not, then there is still hope! If so, I think counselling is the only course of action, you need to get her in a space where she can HEAR what you're saying rather than turn it against you. I wish you the very best, you seem like a lovely guy who really wants it to work.

If a couple have to go for counselling 9 times out of 10 it means they are already screwed and the relationship will never work. As for 'reassurance is key here'...what do you think he has been doing for the last two years? Non-stop reassurance that he hasn't been cheating, has it worked?

This relationship mightn't be fixable, 'reassurance' has already been proven not to work, and as I said about counselling, 9 times out of 10 the relationship is already dead for good if you have to set foot in a counsellors office. I think he needs to have a good stern talk with her, outline his position. First say he doesn't want a response from her until she's gone off and thought about what he has said. Then tell her if he wanted to leave, he could have, but he didn't because he wants to make it work. But if she is not going to stop with the paranioa and irrational behaviour, then he is gonna have to give up on the relationship. Let her mull it over for a few days and come back to him with an answer.

mikewest

Just tripped across this OP. I been in your shoes and it ain't nice. This is a job for the DOCTOR. You need to tackle it immediately. Sit her down and tell her that you can't live like this and she needs to see the doctor asap. It is medical help that is needed not counselling or anything else. No amount of discussion will solve this one. If she won't go to the doctor with you asap then call the doctor or visit the doctor (her doctor) yourself and explain the situation and take it from there. No more waiting around and up till all hours talking s***e, get it sorted, this evening if possible.

Good luck

LegacyUser

I agree with Mikewest.
I'm a healthcare professional myself. Not in psychiatry but I've seen things like this once or twice before. One can't really tell for sure from just your brief description, but It sounds very much like either post-natal depression or perhaps an underlying psychiatric issue which is being unmasked by the stress of the pregnancy. OP - don't admit to anything you haven't done. I think you need to urgently raise your concerns with the family GP/her GP and take things from there. Let the professionals make an assessment. There are specialist services for dealing with this kind of thing as far as I know.

Wibbs

bSlick complete bitch is not a diagnosis. Come back to us when you've a qualification and experience in the mental health field before you dismiss depression as an excuse. This is an emotive time for the OP, so lets reel the head back a bit. Thanks.

bSlick

Wibbs wrote: »

bSlick complete bitch is not a diagnosis. Come back to us when you've a qualification and experience in the mental health field before you dismiss depression as an excuse. This is an emotive time for the OP, so lets reel the head back a bit. Thanks.

I wasn't giving a diagnosis, I was just making the point that that is how she has been acting. Can you think of a better way to describe it?

And as I said, if the OP was the one treating his gf with complete disrespect and making her life a misery for two years due to 'depression' do you think the posters here would be excusing his behaviour on the basis that he is not in control of his emotions? We both know they would be telling her to leave him immediately as two years of this carry on is just too much.

The Recliner

bSlick wrote: »

I wasn't giving a diagnosis, I was just making the point that that is how she has been acting. Can you think of a better way to describe it?

And as I said, if the OP was the one treating his gf with complete disrespect and making her life a misery for two years due to 'depression' do you think the posters here would be excusing his behaviour on the basis that he is not in control of his emotions? We both know they would be telling her to leave him immediately as two years of this carry on is just too much.

bSlick

You were given direction about posting in this thread by Wibbs

If you disagree with it them PM him to talk about it, do not argue moderation in thread, any further discussion of moderation is a ban

The only reason this isn't an infraction is that your arguement was somewhat relevant to the thread