How do I refuse a gift from my girlfriend's parents?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years, but it's all gotten a bit messy in the past few months. I'm not going into the problems we've been having, but it's just not working anymore and I've decided to break up with her. She's been in Thailand with some friends for the past two weeks and is returning in another three weeks, and I really don't want to do it over the phone or internet so I'm going to wait til she gets back to do it. It's not going to come as much of a shock for her - she might even break up with me before then, who knows. Still, I respect her as a person and I want us to remain friends so I'm going to wait til I see her to do it.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and I'm also about to move to London for college, and I received a very generous cheque from her parents (who I've gotten on very well with while were we together.) I could badly do with the extra cash, as they know, however I know that their own financial situation isn't great at the moment.

They don't know about the problems we've been having in our relationship. I cannot morally take this money off them. So what do I do?

I haven't even called them to thank them for it yet. Should I do that, and then return the cheque, uncashed, after we break up? They'll know then that I knew all along that I was going to break up with her, and I'm afraid they'll think I was dishonest or fake or something for calling to thank them.

They're very "Irish" in that, if I were to try and refuse it for no reason, they would be very insulted. It just wouldn't be the "done" thing, they'd think I was implying they couldn't afford it, do you know the way some people are about that sort of thing? They'd be extremely offended.

And I can't exactly tell them that I can't accept it as I'm about to break up with their daughter!

I'd really appreciate any advice, thanks.

Michellenman

Keep the cheque for now, don't cash it.

After you and your girlfriend have broken up post the cheque back with a letter saying how you feel you can't accept it now given the circumstances.
That's probably about all you can do. Best of luck.

alantc

You should break up with her now so she can sleep with loads of guys while she's on her holidays. Girls love doing that.

Taltos

Tear that cheque up right now - before temptation gets the better of you.

No need to explain it - but just think how much worse you will feel if you were to cash it - even with the intentions of paying it back and then they find out you have broken up with her...

newbie2009

Get on the phone to your girlfriend and break up with her. In fairness if she knows it's coming it can't be that bad. Then return the cheques in a thank you card or something explaining the circumstances

dudara

alantc, if you don't have anything helpful to add to the conversation, then please don't say anything.

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dudara

LegacyUser

Ok first things first. Call them up and thank them. Its only proper.

Then just wait and see what happens with your girl. If ye break up give them the money back

clartharlear

I know that when I'm at the end of a relationship, I want to get out of the country. Becoming single in Thailand might be better for her then coming home to the cold, wet winter and the road nowhere. She's with friends in a hot country - this would not be a bad place for her to find out that you definitely won't continue the relationship. As you said, she probably sees it coming.

If I were her, I would much prefer the phone break-up. Let her know that you need a long chat with her, get on skype or whatever, and also ask her opinion about the money. Insist that you see her when she gets back though, to talk things through again and try to salvage some friendship.

Good luck with this nasty time.

JayeL

I think you should try and sort it now, as a previous poster said, it'd be no bad thing to find out amongst friends and when she doesn't have any work/college to go to. I don't know her circumstances on returning to Ireland, but if she was starting somewhere new and suddenly had to deal with a break-up, it'd be pretty tough. But if she's had 3 weeks in Thailand to deal with it before returning, she might be in a better frame of mind when she gets back.

As for the cheque, post it back to her parents once you've had the conversation with her. They probably wouldn't want to meet you but would appreciate your decency in grabbing the nettle and returning it.