This is AMAZING!!!

Capt'n Midnight

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of the two birds is a female???

Below are two birds. Study them closely...

See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

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Capt'n Midnight

42 inch Plasma screen TV for sale

€50

Only thing wrong with it is the volume control don’t work. But at that price you can’t turn it down

Capt'n Midnight

Two blokes go in to a pub one says to the other, "Hey donkey, what you havin ?"
The man replies "I’ll, I’ll have a p p p p pint of la lager please mate"
Ok, his mate says.

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "Hey donkey what you havin ?"
And stutter boy says, "I’ll, I’ll have another p p p pint of la la lager please mate"
Ok, his mate says.

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "You get em in donkey it must be your round"
Donkey goes to the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have t t t two p p p pints if la la lager please mate"
"OK" the barman says, "Here why’s he call you donkey ?"
Donkey replies
"D du dunno - E OR E OR E always calls me donkey"

Capt'n Midnight

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Capt'n Midnight

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

Capt'n Midnight

An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive,the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

When they arrived at heaven they were shown to luxurious accomodation, at the end of the garden was a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

The man turned to his wife and said "You dozy cow..........if it wasn’t for you and your fúcking health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"

Capt'n Midnight

After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There’s more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don’t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...

Wait

Wait

"he’s a dead ringer for his brother."

FearDark

Wait, this isnt funny!

Capt'n Midnight

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff’s Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I’m calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He’s drillin" holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"

Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil’s house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they split yer farwood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Capt'n Midnight

FearDark wrote: »

Wait, this isnt funny!

Please feel free post something funny. :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street....
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family’s odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control. ..........





Honestly - who’d live near Windsor Castle ?

Capt'n Midnight

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Capt'n Midnight

I myself have fallen victim to the latest scam in Liffey Valley while shopping. This happened in the high road and it could happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the shops while your are placing your packages in the front footwell of your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Square.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I fell for this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday, Twice on Thursday and on Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

Rabies

FearDark wrote: »

Wait, this isnt funny!

You've been here long enough.
Look at the charter.

Capt'n Midnight

A man goes to the doctor’s
"Doctor I think I’ve caught that bird flu that’s going round"

"What makes you think that?"

"Well I’ve started wearing make-up, talking bollocks and I can’t park the car!"





Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...

Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again..."

"I can’t believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 97 votes short...."

Capt'n Midnight

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand...and try sayings things like, "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and, "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ’No sh*t?! What happened next?’








She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer’s broken."

Rufus.T.Firefly

Great stuff Cap...have some stars

Capt'n Midnight

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.

It tasted so good.

"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.

"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:

"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.

"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke."

Capt'n Midnight

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday..
"I’d love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M’s.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you useless twat"

Capt'n Midnight

There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They aproached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it realy slowly for them
















She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G

Capt'n Midnight

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.





Bitch...

Capt'n Midnight

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid
You shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
















You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

dh0661

LOL - well done, that must have been the longest roll ever around here.

Capt'n Midnight

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Capt'n Midnight

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

.
.
.

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Capt'n Midnight

So my missus is pregnant and has been getting some weird cravings of late. Few weeks ago, she had a craving for some snails. So I went to the market and bought some snails. My mate Steve spotted me and said "Hey mate, come and have a pint." I tried to get out of it but he kept nagging and persuaded me to go have a quick pint.

A quick pint became 10 pints and eventually it was late and I headed home, a little worse for wear. I was a little tipsy, so when I tried to open the garden gate, I tripped and spilled the snails all over the garden path. At that instant, my missus opened the door with a face of thunder on her. Fortunately I had my wits about me... I just looked at the snails, motioned forward with my hands and said "Come on boys, only a few more feet to go!"