To all new parents (Dads)

Noffles

At least it's not just me that thinks parenting isn't the "best" job in the world then... don't get me wrong here, I love my son and would give my life for him.

ebmma

lyoto.machida wrote: »

Its not sugar-coated at all,im relatively young to be a dad(25),but my little girl is the best thing in my life,you dont know what real love is until you have a kid yourself,trust me.someday youl see what i mean(if you choose)...

Well I already chose, I'm early 5 months pregnant with our 1st.
I'm glad it's happening, and we did have our reasons for having one now and not some other time (or not at all).

However, I am really hoping that the day my kid is born, it's not THE absolute best day of my life nad that it is not THE most important person in my life.

Sure, I'll love it a lot, but it is a new person. It is brought into this world to have it's own life one day and sure, I'll need to do the raising and looking after it for the first many years, but at the end of the day...
I really hope my OH is still the most important person for me. We CHOSE each other and love each other a lot and have been through a lot. We practically grew up together.

being completely honest it'll break my heart if turns out he loves the wrinkly pink mess that he's seen for the first time more than me.
(also, OP, best day of the entire life being birth of the child and some match? really?!!)

Maybe it is a bit selfish, but I found out the hard way that it is important to put yourself first once in a while..

sorry for rant

stovelid

furiousox wrote: »

your an outright liar...

the worst type of parent...

How bloody selfish are you?..

how dare you...

shame on you!

put them up for adoption or stfu...

Do you reckon you guys could express an opinion without using the hysteria and the personal abuse?

Maybe you're not getting enough sleep.......

In fairness, the gist of my comment was what I wanted to say, but the way I said was OTT.

I too would never shy from saying that parenthood is hard. For some more so than others. Also the restrictions on your liberty and personal life are quite hard to take.

That said, I would never change it as it has brought its own massive rewards.

I guess I found it a little shocking that somebody would express it in the way you did.

Dublin141

This thread has turned into something scary

I honestly can't imagine not having my kids or having a happier life without them in it. I can't understand resenting being a parent. Yeah, things have changed but nothing has been that bad because of the kids. If things went wrong in our lives they have been because of the adults, not the children.

We all know parenting is hard, that's a given. It can be scary and expensive and tiring and trust me I know that better than anyone - but I knew that before I got into this too.

I don't know, I guess I'm just surprised by how differently people see things.

Noffles

Dublin141 wrote: »

This thread has turned into something scary

I honestly can't imagine not having my kids or having a happier life without them in it. I can't understand resenting being a parent. Yeah, things have changed but nothing has been that bad because of the kids. If things went wrong in our lives they have been because of the adults, not the children.

We all know parenting is hard, that's a given. It can be scary and expensive and tiring and trust me I know that better than anyone - but I knew that before I got into this too.

I don't know, I guess I'm just surprised by how differently people see things.

You can't be that surprised surely, we're all different and it seems a fairly even split between the "best thing ever" and the "highs and horrendous lows"...

For instance, today was grand, nipper did his own thing and left us to do ours, a happy medium for everyone... and this is the way we all like it... To go back to when we were absolute slaves to the child would be a simple f*cking nightmare for me and I'm delighted it's over and never to return!

Each to their own OP..

furiousox

Look back at my first post and you'll see that l said 'l'd take a bullet for my kids' and l meant it, l would.
We tried long and hard to have kids, we lost 3 while trying so we weren't 'caught out' as someone suggested.
This is not how l want it to be, not how l thought it would be.
l don't want to feel this unfulfilled when it comes to my children, its just that our experience of being parents has not been at all positive so far.
The toll and strain on our marriage since having children has been immense, hence my comments.
l'm not proud of how l feel, l'm saddened, l wasn't advocating how l feel to be a lifestyle choice, far from it, l was being honest, isn't that the whole point of a forum?
At least respect my honesty without hurling abuse and calling me 'the worst type of parent'
My kids are happy and live in a stable loving environment, but in giving them so much my wife and l lost each other.
You have no idea, no idea...

ebmma

furiousox wrote: »

My kids are happy and live in a stable loving environment, but in giving them so much my wife and l lost each other.
You have no idea, no idea...

this sounds awful

How old are they now?

Nevyn

Dublin141 wrote: »

This thread has turned into something scary

I completely agree and I am very disappointed by the type of posting going on in this thread.

If you have an issue with a post please report it or the whole thread so that us parenting mods can look at it and if needs be take a mod action.

We are not online 24/7 and we ask that the community here play thier part in keeping a level head and reporting posts.

Less of the antagonistic posting, I suggest that you are not clear for the rules for posting in this forum that you please read them, you will find them here.

Nevyn

furiousox wrote: »

For us the price is too high, the rewards not enough.
We can't go to restaurants, cinemas, shopping centres, markets etc because of the children....the stress, the arguments, the bickering...its not worth it.

And what about foreign 'holidays'?

The same stress, annoyance, arguing and bickering...just in a warmer climate!
And you pay 2 or 3k for the pleasure!
Next time you're abroad, check the facial expressions on the guys wheeling buggies around the resort at night-time..looking for the nearest game arcade...despair in their eyes, wondering how their lives came to this.

lt's only when my wife and l are away together alone (no kids) that we are truly ourselves again and not f'ing 'mammy' and 'daddy'
(We might get one weekend in Galway if we're lucky)
lt's liberating, and a reminder of how we used to be, the lives we once had.

IT sounds like you were unprepared for what your life was going to be like and that unfortunately the ball was dropped when it came to your relationship
and there was damage done before you both figured out what was happening.

But it is up to you both to turn it around, I have had a rough time with mine over the last few years between post natal depression, breaking up with thier Dad, my son having a melt down and then him getting diagnosed with aspergers, but I would not want to not have had them.

Yes when things are tough and believe me the last 5 years have been hard going I have often found my self things gods how much better/easier/forfilling
my life would have been if I had not of had them.

But they are hear no and are my responsibility for at least the next 9 years so all I can do is my best for them and know that one day they will walk away to their own lives.

I am sorry to hear that you regret having them so much furiousox and I do hope you find away to cope better with your life, have you tried parenting courses?

Cos I can go out to restaurants, shopping centres, museums ect with my two
and they are fairly well behaved.

Quality

I feel sorry for the poor OH, He was obviously feeling like a proud father chuffed with himself happy that things are going well for him.. My god did he get a bashing down.:eek:


But everyone has their own views on parenting and some people can cope better with the stress of parenting than others. It doesnt make them a better parent though.
Its important not to lose your own identity and if you are finding things stressful it is important to confide in someone, If you cant talk with your partner a friend or relative. I'd be lost without my sisters mam and friends!

Moonbeam

It does sound like some people here really to resent their children but also take their responsibility towards them seriously.

I think life is what you make it and it is possible to have a life yourself and have kids.
It does depend on what you life was like before though too,we did not go clubbing or to the pub often but did enjoy meals out.Nothing has changed there dd just comes too:)

To the op your post was lovely and I think it would be comfort for fathers to be to read.

E39_Fan - I don't think it is fair to reply to Rachael1987 like that,we know nothing of her circumstances and once her and her kids are happy.Also I have no idea where she is from so dunno what the cultural differences are.

I don't think parenthood suits everyone,personally I have loved my whole 8 1/2 months of it so I am but a novice and when I have a few kids riving me mad I am sure my opinions might change and some days it will be the best job in the world other days I will be wishing that I could go back to the office!!

furiousox

ebmma wrote: »

this sounds awful

How old are they now?

hi ebmma:)

TBH l've already given out more personal info here than l probably should have done (albeit behind the anonymity of a username) and l'm feeling a bit done in by some of the vitriolic responses l've received.
Lets just say they're both in primary school....
Look, everyone's experiences of parenting are different, most are probably positive.
lt seems having a not so positive experience like mine simply isn't acceptable to some, but somehow l don't think l'm the only person in the country feeling like this.
l am however one of the few that will admit to it (and suffer the consequences)

PS The way l see it, there's no great secret to parenthood, all you need is ENDLESS Love & ENDLESS Patience for the child.

The love comes naturally, the patience.....well...not so naturally.
Thats something l'm still working on...

Nevyn

The patience can be hard and parenting can be a real struggle and it's something that a lot of people won't talk about at all and that can be very damaging esp as not talking about it means they are not reachng out for help and support.

Part of the point of this forum is for parents to talk about thier experiences and to help and support each other.

furiousox I don't think you are the only parent who feels this way.

yogidc26

Moonbeam wrote: »

.

To the op your post was lovely and I think it would be comfort for fathers to be to read.

Thanks Moonbeam that was the only reason I put up the post at im glad one or two people got it

Nevyn

I got it too yogidc26

When I was expecting the best bit of advice I got was, plan for the worsest, expect the best and enjoy it while you can.

Noffles

I feel partly responsible for some of this as I initially posted with my own opinion of being a father and parenting etc... which was in stark contrast to the OP...

Can't all feel the same can we though... and there was no harm done.

20goto10

furiousox wrote: »

l'm speakin' from the heart too, for me parenthood is overrated.
We have been in marriage counselling, problem wasn't us we still love each other, problem was the stress the children put on our marriage, counsellor said we needed to put ourselves first for a change not the children.

Sounds like you need super nanny. I'm a dad to be and I can't wait. I'm under no illusion it's going to hard, very hard. But that's life. I had an awful childhood so I see this as my second chance. I will do my best to make my kids life full of joy and happiness and in doing so my life will also be filled with happiness.

Anyone who says their kids have ruined theirl lives are simply bad parents.

furiousox

20goto10 wrote: »

Sounds like you need super nanny. I'm a dad to be and I can't wait. I'm under no illusion it's going to hard, very hard. But that's life. I had an awful childhood so I see this as my second chance. I will do my best to make my kids life full of joy and happiness and in doing so my life will also be filled with happiness.

Anyone who says their kids have ruined theirl lives are simply bad parents.

Come back in 3 or 4 years time when you know what you're talking about

20goto10

VeryBerry wrote: »

Snap.

My baby is only 3months old and I feel like this. Exactly like this. Being a parent is the worst job I've ever had.

I never wanted to have babies, because I knew that this is how I would feel; that I would resent giving up my own life for my child. And that is what you have to do- the child comes first. Everything else has to be sacrificied; nights out, holidays, your career, friendships.... your relationship with your partner.

I feel like I should say it's all worth it when the little baba smiles...but I'd not really sure I feel like that...

Yeah my father was a complete fcuk-wit too. Never wanted to have kids and reminded us of every single day. I totally agree people like this should not be parents. Ever hear of contraception?

Nevyn

Right any more smart arse posts and I am locking this thread.

reminder from the forum rules.

This forums is for those who are invovled with rearing and parenting children,
parents, grand parents, extended family ect.

Please remember that there are many different ways and styles of parenting
and if you disagree with someone then agree to disagree and keep things civil as per the rules.

Flaming
- Posts containing personal attacks on another user will lead to warnings/infractions and being banned from this forum.

Personal Abuse
- Posters who abuse others on here will be banned. Permanent bans will be handed out on a first offense if a moderator feels it is warranted. There is no argument on this one. Abuse someone and you will be banned. Calling someone an idiot is abuse. Don't attack the poster, attack the post. Posting PM's publicly without consent could be met with harsh consequences, especially if they do not have any place in the discussion.

20goto10 no it says to me they are struggling as parents and not coping with thier life and should be supported to get help and make changes to make thier life better.
IF a parent resents thier kids the kids can and will sense it.

So no condeming other parents here and calling them a bad parent.

furiousox just as you have had a different experience as a parent other people have had different experiences from you, just beacuse you are not happy as a Dad that does not mean other people are inexperienced, lying or deluding themselves, please do no project on to others what your situation is.

Have you undertaken any parenting courses/classes?
IT does sound like you kids rule the roost in the family and there is such a things as being too child centric and letting them away with too much.

Noffles

20goto10 wrote: »

Sounds like you need super nanny. I'm a dad to be and I can't wait. I'm under no illusion it's going to hard, very hard. But that's life. I had an awful childhood so I see this as my second chance. I will do my best to make my kids life full of joy and happiness and in doing so my life will also be filled with happiness.

Anyone who says their kids have ruined theirl lives are simply bad parents.

You started off well then you last sentence was utter ****e, you've no experience to base that on and should of thought a little more carefully, maybe use preview first next time..!

Do your best to fill lives full of joy and happiness, nothing wrong with that at all, then in a few years look back and see how you think then...

20goto10

furiousox wrote: »

Come back in 3 or 4 years time when you know what you're talking about

Gladly.

furiousox

Thaedydal wrote: »

Right any more smart arse posts and I am locking this thread.

reminder from the forum rules.

furiousox just as you have had a different experience as a parent other people have had different experiences from you, just beacuse you are not happy as a Dad that does not mean other people are inexperienced, lying or deluding themselves, please do no project on to others what your situation is.

Have you undertaken any parenting courses/classes?
IT does sound like you kids rule the roost in the family and there is such a things as being too child centric and letting them away with too much.

Well someone speaking with no kids is inexperienced in this field wouldn't you agree?
l haven't accused anyone of lying or being deluded (l've already said my situation saddens me) and l'm not deliberately trying to 'project' my situation onto anyone.
Everyone's experience of parenthood is different, obviously my experience is not what people want to hear but that doesn't make it any less real, relevant or truthful.
l'm one of the few on the thread that hasn't flung personal attacks at anyone else.
To answer your question, we have been in marriage counselling, we have spoken to our gp and we have attended a child psycologist.

Hardly the actions of a 'bad parent'

Quality

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world and often a thankless one. Unfortunately there is no manual to follow... No parenting for dummies.

There are times I feel so overwhelmed that I actually cry. I love my children and my partner very much but sometimes they drive me batty.

I hope that this is just a bad patch you are going through furiousox and that things get better for you.

You are definitely not alone with regards to your feelings and your relationship. On reflection myself and Mr Q only fight about the kids. Try to find a balance and some me time. I think you deserve to be happy.

20goto10

Furiousox, sorry for my comments. I have no right to judge your parenting. It's just a touchy subject for me and I see things from the childs perspective.

Mulan

Its all about balance. Work together. Plan. Give time out to each other. get away together for a night. Have planned nights in. Talk. always be honest.
I'm married with 3 kids 5,3, and 1, its hard work and we've accepted that. Our relationship is great. Yes we do say "christ, this is tough" but we get on with it. Yes we have given up things but do not regret it in any way, we have moved on with our lives. We are now parents, by choice.

Enjoy it all OP. The ups and downs. Well done.

kizzyr

furiousox wrote: »

Well someone speaking with no kids is inexperienced in this field wouldn't you agree?
l haven't accused anyone of lying or being deluded (l've already said my situation saddens me) and l'm not deliberately trying to 'project' my situation onto anyone.
Everyone's experience of parenthood is different, obviously my experience is not what people want to hear but that doesn't make it any less real, relevant or truthful.
l'm one of the few on the thread that hasn't flung personal attacks at anyone else.
To answer your question, we have been in marriage counselling, we have spoken to our gp and we have attended a child psycologist.

Hardly the actions of a 'bad parent'

I say this as someone with zero experience of parenting as I have no children but I feel sorry for you and your wife. I don't mean that in any patronising way, clearly you are both doing your best by your kids and love them but are feeling like you've lost both yourselves as individuals and as a couple since your children came along. Your only crime (as far as I can see) has been to put your head above the parapet and say "I find being a Dad difficult".
I've no advice to offer as I've never been in your situation and all I can say is that I hope you and your wife can find each other again through this and work it all out.

furiousox

kizzyr wrote: »

I say this as someone with zero experience of parenting as I have no children but I feel sorry for you and your wife. I don't mean that in any patronising way, clearly you are both doing your best by your kids and love them but are feeling like you've lost both yourselves as individuals and as a couple since your children came along. Your only crime (as far as I can see) has been to put your head above the parapet and say "I find being a Dad difficult".
I've no advice to offer as I've never been in your situation and all I can say is that I hope you and your wife can find each other again through this and work it all out.

That's it exactly
Thank You for those words.

Adam anto

yogidc26 wrote: »

Thanks Moonbeam that was the only reason I put up the post at im glad one or two people got it

+1 to that. Thank you for the original post. It inspired me, as we're due in a week (or so) with number 1.

My heart goes out to the people who have had problems but maybe this was not the correct thread to post in considering the title.

Positivity has dipped after reading this thread and I resent that.

Mods - New thread 'Having a hard time with parenting'

Mulan

never mind this anto. the very best of luck. its different for everyone. Enjoy it, its a woderful time.