Childs surname

LegacyUser

Hi all, Just wondering what your take is on a childs surname. I am not married and am opposed to the whole name changing thing (no disrespect meant - but i feel if i get married I should be entitled to keep my name wthout feeling like I am making a radical stance) Anyway I am pregnant with my first child and my partner seems sure it should be his name that the child takes. It will be, as an officially a single mother, my name automatically registered in hospital. I am quite pleased with but my partner thinks such concerns are "ridiculous" and yet still presumes the child will have to use his name as he is the father. know this might sound trivial but it is important to me. Let me stress he thinks these name concerns are frivolous, but still expects me (if we marry) to use his name and our future children

embee

newbabymom wrote:

Hi all, Just wondering what your take is on a childs surname. I am not married and am opposed to the whole name changing thing (no disrespect meant - but i feel if i get married I should be entitled to keep my name wthout feeling like I am making a radical stance) Anyway I am pregnant with my first child and my partner seems sure it should be his name that the child takes. It will be, as an officially a single mother, my name automatically registered in hospital. I am quite pleased with but my partner thinks such concerns are "ridiculous" and yet still presumes the child will have to use his name as he is the father. know this might sound trivial but it is important to me. Let me stress he thinks these name concerns are frivolous, but still expects me (if we marry) to use his name and our future children

I'm not married to my daughters father and I more than likely won't ever be married to him. She has his surname, purely because it goes better with her first name than mine does. She is who she is - I don't think her surname matters in the grand scheme of things. As an unmarried mother I am her sole guardian but she is half of her Dad and her name reflects that.

If I married him I wouldn't change my name but that's okay too. My aunt is married, kept her own maiden name, but their two kids have her husbands surname. In this day and age that sort of thing isn't unusual.

See the link below for information on registering a birth.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/after-your-baby-is-born/registering_birth_your_baby

As this states, the child can have either the surname of the mother, the father, or both. Your partner is wrong to assume that the baby automatically gets his surname.

As to whether or not you took his surname when you got married... well, if you have a problem with that then you need to bring it up with him.

metrovelvet

There is no right or wrong answer to this, I think it comes down to personal preference.

I know plenty of married women who keep their name but their kids have the father's surname. No one complains about it being a problem.

Yet I know single mothers, where the father has limited or no involvement and the name becomes a problem, especially when it comes to official permission forms, passports, etc.

The name of the father is about identity and a public confirmation of paternity since no such thing is needed to confirm the identity of the mother. I am old fashioned and think they should have their father's name if at all possible. Saying that my own son has my name, because those are the circumstances that he is in and wasn't really given a choice.

But it really comes down to what you both want.

cch

Would giving the child both surnames be a possibility? (Just putting it out there!)

metrovelvet wrote: »

The name of the father is about identity and a public confirmation of paternity since no such thing is needed to confirm the identity of the mother.

That's probably his POV alright, might be quite a blow to him if the child doesn't have his name.

Sounds like a point of principle on both sides so lots more talking is required methinks.

pinc

My ex -partner felt the same way as yours, OP.I insisted that our child have both our names. I didn't hyphenate the surnames so I can legally use either/or in everyday stuff. The childs' 'common usage' surname can in time become the name used on legal documents such as passports etc. Problem sorted.HTH

Kimono-Girl

with our little one she has her dads surname simply because i don't like mine and he wanted to have some recognition since unmarried fathers dont get anything, but he always told me he had no problem if i decided to have her registered under my surname, your OH should support your decision whatever you choose...at the end of the day the name means nothing legally, and if/when you marry and you keep your name he still becomes legally a guardian to his child regardless of the childs name....

deisemum

My sister's son has her surname and not the father's. The father just accepted it. She didn't change her surname when she got married.

pickarooney

My brother-in-law and his partner gave the children each a different surname, which I thought was a little odd, sort of divvying up the spoils at the expense of the kids having the same name.
I wanted to give ours their mother's name initially so it would live on for another while (it's a very rare name) but she was having none of it and insisted they have mine (and then used that as leverage on the spelling of our daughter's first name )

Dades

My wife kept her surname, and our daughter got mine.

OP why do you want your child to have your name? Just because it's expected that they will take the father's name? By not allowing the father's name he may feel you are subtlety snubbing his role in your "family". Legally the system always leans towards a mother's rights to her child - a name can often be a father's way of confirming he is part of a family.

bladespin

My son took my surname (we're engaged but not married), I would have beed devasteted if his mum had decided against it.

Cookie Jar

I was with the father when I had my baby, we both decided that she would take my surname. No complaints from father. Now we are not together, Im glad I kept my name for her TBH.
Its a personal choice for the both of you.

Some men feel that the baby should take on their name as they can carry on the family name. That may be why your partner feels the way he does.

Whatever you decide, both of your names will be on your childs birth cert so he/she will know where he/she came from, that should be the main thing IMO.

Dades

Cookie Jar wrote: »

I was with the father when I had my baby, we both decided that she would take my surname. No complaints from father. Now we are not together, Im glad I kept my name for her TBH.
Its a personal choice for the both of you.

That highlights why for some fathers it's very important. Is the mother hedging her bets against the breakup up the family by not allowing the child to take the father's name? "I don't want my child to have your name as I don't know how long you'll be around..."

I'm not for a minute suggesting that this was your motivation - just looking at it from the pov of a hypothetical father in that position.

Cookie Jar

Dades wrote: »

That highlights why for some fathers it's very important. Is the mother hedging her bets against the breakup up the family by not allowing the child to take the father's name? "I don't want my child to have your name as I don't know how long you'll be around..."

I'm not for a minute suggesting that this was your motivation - just looking at it from the pov of a hypothetical father in that position.

No I do agree with you there. As it was joked about within my family:rolleyes:
We both decided on it at the time and he holds no grudges about it now.

But now in my situation if I ever marry I will not change my name or my daughters.

Love2love

My son has his father's surname and we are not married. I now think I might have made a mistake as I have had some trouble when travelling alone with him.
When l lived in Germany I would fly back and forth to Ireland but passport control have stopped me on numerous occasions because our surnames were different. I had to prove that I was his mother which I found very annoying. Eventually I had to get his birth certificate translated in German and carry it with me all the time.
It really annoyed me because his grandmother who shares his name can take him anywhere in the world - no questions asked and I have to prove who I am.

metrovelvet

^ Passport control is funny. Twice going through Dublin airport no one even looked at my son's passport.

The only glitch I ever ran into with the surname was outside the surgery room, after my son was brought in for prep. He had been fasted already, we already spent a night in the hospital, and the anesthesiologist comes out with the permission slip asking about the father. OMG I nearly passed out. Luckily I had all the relevant documents in my handbag to show him.

You should consider using both names.

If you give your child both surnames but do not hypenate between them, then legally your child can use either surname.

EG - If you name your child John Smith Jones, he can go by

John Smith
John Jones
John Smith Jones

BUT if you add in a hypen, i.e. John Smith-Jones, the only name you can use is the hyphenated one.

Another popular suggestion at the moment is to use one of your surnames as the child's "middle" name.

eviltwin

Hi OP

I had my daughter 12 years ago. My now husband and I werent married at the time and so we gave her a double barralled name. Now she is approaching her teens she has dropped his and takes on mine day to day but we always knew she would pick one or the other..its not a problem and as its her choice we dont mind.

We're now married and expecting again and as I didnt take his name are going to do the same with the new baby. He will be double barralled but he can pick his own when he gets older, his dads or mine I dont care.

I know some men are a bit old fashioned and dig their heels in about names...luckily my other half is a fairly secure bloke and didnt mind and I'm glad I've given my daughter the chance to pick what suits her

Heleboo

Personally, I think using both surnames for now whilst ye are not married would be a good idea. I really don't want to say anything bad, but things don't always go to plan and relationships end and all that.
When my son was born (I was engaged at the time) my partner took my purse and phone and told me he was coming with me to register the birth and his name was going to be my son's surname or else I would have no money or phone. Yes he was a bully and yes I left shortly afterwards.
The point I want to make is - its nearly 3 years on, and my son is left with his surname. I never use it, and am hoping to change it some day although it is very very hard done. Unless I marry someone, who can adopt my son and then he can change the name!
Complicated! So, again, for now, have both surnames, that way when ye marry, even if you keep your own name, one of the 2 can be dropped, or indeed both can be kept!

I have recently heard of two men, both of whom took on their wives names when they married, instead of the other way around.

So if it comes up, mention that as an option, if you were ever to get married!

The days of women and children automatically taking the husband/father's name are over!

Darthhoob

i have a son from a previous relationship who has my surname (his bio dad didn't take kindly to that..but he wasn't around and never wanted him). my youngest son has my OH's surname, this baby will also be having his surname (more than likely lol). however me, i like my surname and want to keep it, luckily for me my OH agrees with me (probably because i have a starwarsy name and he is fan LOL), at most we'll double barrel....but that could be confusing with the kids being different. his parents are fine with that too, we asked his dad what he thought on the matter...seeing as it's mainly father's who have a problem with their name not being carried down.

it's a hard one and we have not decided totally, is it possible to double barrel your surnames for the baby? that way it shows the baby is part of both of you if you choose to marry and keep your own name.

we'llallhavetea_old

i gave my daughter my name and thank god i did, the "father" is no longer around now. and if/when i have another child i will be giving him/her my name again. no ifs or buts about it.

yes i'm a hitler.

bridgitt

fathers name best

Nevyn

bridgitt wrote: »

fathers name best

in your opinion for your children, other people think differently about thier own children.

eviltwin

bridgitt wrote: »

fathers name best

Why?

Darthhoob

bridgitt wrote: »

fathers name best

what if their surname sucks? :P

metrovelvet

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

i gave my daughter my name and thank god i did, the "father" is no longer around now. and if/when i have another child i will be giving him/her my name again. no ifs or buts about it.

yes i'm a hitler.

I wasnt so wise. It's going to be a huge hassle changing this. It's probably easier to add than to subtract on a document so just bear that in mind.

JoeyJJ

My wife joked before we got married that she was going to keep her name and I said fine however if we have children they are going to have a different surname to you.. At the end of the day the man has no power the woman can do what she wants. I would be deeply unhappy if my little girl didn't have my surname. I suppose I could accept it if it happened but would hurt alot.

I see there are some thoughts to prevent benefit fraud where they think the father should be named on the the birth cert be mandatory. I presume there would be exceptions.

bcirl03

Wow, reading all these posts I can see there are a lot relationships out there unnecessarily worrying about surnames for themselves and their children.

Concentrate, work and most importantly enjoy the relationship and just go with the flow, who cares once everyone is happy……

eviltwin

JoeyJJ wrote: »

My wife joked before we got married that she was going to keep her name and I said fine however if we have children they are going to have a different surname to you.. At the end of the day the man has no power the woman can do what she wants. I would be deeply unhappy if my little girl didn't have my surname. I suppose I could accept it if it happened but would hurt alot.

I see there are some thoughts to prevent benefit fraud where they think the father should be named on the the birth cert be mandatory. I presume there would be exceptions.

Putting the dad's name on the birth cert has no bearing on the surname. I have my daughters father on her birth cert but she has both names - only fair, I'm married but kept my single name and I like the fact both our contributions to our childs existance are recorded in her name

What you have to bear in mind is that while some people don't mind. others do. I'd be really bummed if I was married to a caveman who insisted in carrying on the family name

wolfpawnat

I have a son with my partner and he never wants to get married. He doesnt want to have the pressure of that over him and I accept this as we both plan on staying together. But it was very important to him that our son would have his name. It never entered my head to give him my name so I had no problem letting his dad have that.

It is a decision that has to be taken seriously! Passport control can be very strict and also you have to think how the dad might feel. A girl I know would not let the fathers name be the childs surname and to this day he has doubts if he is even the father.

Klingon Hamlet

The mum of my son said we weren't married and what if I took off some day? So she refused to allow my son take my surname.

Then she took off.

C'est la vie.

It's really an agreement thing. It's more symbolic than anything. Most couples (I hope) stay together whether unmarried or wed. So make the decision based on a positive family future, rather than a negative.

Perhaps the double-barrel name is a nice compromise?