New Songwriter new song

FridaysWell

First time posting here so hey all.

Emm, I've written a few songs I am by no means experienced at all, I just enjoy writing them, this is the first where I have asked a wider opinion or really for help!

I wrote this in one sitting so its kinda rough. Enjoy (or not)

Quiklock:

He sets his glass down, upon the wooden chest,
She watched the sky, as it boils to its red,
Bright colors, like the first time they met,
Ironic paradox, the shame as she wept,

Brown hair blue eyes.

Then like rushing, it came back to her,
That night she saw, the changing of the crown,
from head to head, betrayers whisp,
Lies and silence, came to the fore

Atop a mountain, he screamed for her hand,
The turmoil of his head,
Like the storm below,
Into a maw, plunged his form

Brown hair blue eyes

The thoughts with the crossing of his lovers arms,
his gait, his walk.
The crossover of hair and blood,

She remembered the betrayal of it all.

His lip to lip,
Claimed it was a slip,
Yet she saw, the passion of their eyes,
Love not to be metioned,
Covered by their lies.

The hidden meaning,
His form let loose,
Let him live,
For his love is on a noose,

She cried his name, for he cried back,
A name of shame, yet of love.

It was not hers, even though it was meant to be.

Sarcastix

I like it, It's good!

gugsy

hey friday

bit of a songwriter myself. The first thing id have to say (dont take this the wrong way) it more of a very deep poem rather then a very deep song. i just want to ask you a few questions first.

1.Is song written from her or his view or from a 3rd party

2. Is the chours "brown hair blue eyes"

the reason for asking this, is that i take it your writing it from a 3rd party piont of view and since you have what i think is the chours ie Q2, your talking from either his or hers piont of view rather then the 3rd party point of view. You may need to put infront of ther chours "and he/she looks into his/hers brown hair blue eyes" this way your staying in 3rd party form but also telling the people who are listening to the song of what the person is doing rather then saying if he or she is looking into there eyes. If im wrong here let me know. there is a few other points i can suggest but just start with that and let me know if im or wrong and work from there.

FridaysWell

gugsy wrote: »

hey friday

bit of a songwriter myself. The first thing id have to say (dont take this the wrong way) it more of a very deep poem rather then a very deep song. i just want to ask you a few questions first.

I agree, after reading it again and again it does feel like that. I literally let that song pour out, as in what you saw is what I wrote on the screen.

As for the 3rd party part yes it is generally written from that perspective. The 'brown hair blue eyes' is supposed to be the corus. I agree with your point on maybe I should have put his/her etc before it but I thought just 'brown hair blue eyes' was a bit more snappy.

gugsy

There is some other points id like to give aswell
1 Is rhyming structure

Every song has a certain type of rhyming structure to it.
The reason for this is to make the song ie "more chatchy" so to say or easier to listen to or understand.

You have done it in some parts of your verse and some other not really and other one again you have done it in another format.

What i mean in format is the type of rhyming structure and there are 100's its whatevery you want to do but one rule is to keep all the verses in the same way as you do the rest.
ill give you a few examples

He sets his glass down, upon the wooden chest, A
She watched the sky, as it boils to its red, B
Bright colors, like the first time they met, C
Ironic paradox, the shame as she wept, C

Here is the 1st verse of your song the bold words should have some rhyming structure to it which they do. I have a letter at the end to use as a format

The last two words rhyme the first two dont, thats fine

Then like rushing, it came back to her,
That night she saw, the changing of the crown,
from head to head, betrayers whisp,
Lies and silence, came to the fore

The next verse there is no rhyming to it and the same with the third and forth the last verse has but different format the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme you just need to change the words a little to make it rhyme have a look at some other songs that arttist have written and you'll see many different types you can rhyme the 1st with the 2nd and 3rd with the 4th A A B B

This is the first verse of Stop And Stare by One Republic
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us, A It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust, A I've got my heart set on anywhere but here, B I'm staring down myself, counting up the years, B

You have a great base of a song you just need to change a few
this but thats all in song written you have a starting point
just build up from there i hope i was some help

FridaysWell

That is certainly one thing i must work on, a rhyming structure that I like. With this song I tried to make each different verse sound different. I literally write alot with emotion rather then thinking out the song which I really have to start doing alot more. I don't play any instruments and I don't think I can quite sing yet but I love writing music. I wilkl post up another song soon, and put some of your points into it.

Thanks so much you are a great help

jaylynch1111

Very good, 7.7/10
I'm very precise as you can tell:D:D

I am a pro i have

FridaysWell

jaylynch1111 wrote: »

Very good, 7.7/10
I'm very precise as you can tell:D:D

I am a pro i have

Thanks.

Your a pro what??

mothero

here is how the song goes that i wrote

yesterday

yesterday we were all alone that day
but you told me that day you loved me
but today ur gone away from me now
today ur gone and i loved you
but you never told me why
i never will no why

(CHOURS)
o i miss my love
i miss the thinks weve done
my friends try to tell me you be back to me
o i miss you please come back i lost without you o come back to me my love
please o please


all that i no is you never came home
ur family was asking
i dont no what do
here i am all alone thinking of you
and there you were as i hug him so much
that i,ll never let you go no more

chours


welll that is what i decided to write it sound lovely when i put my voice to it but would love to geet some one to play some music any tips