Help, alone and young

JustxSayxYes

Hey all. I've really really wanted to get this off my chest, and I found that this place was pretty good.

I'm 17, I live in Dublin. I haven't been in the world long at all, but already I feel as if I have wasted so much time. I don't know who I am anymore. I suppose I better start somewhere. Two years ago, I start getting feelings for a guy that I knew.

He was a friend. I didn't know if I was gay or what. I suppose I just shoved to one side, but he was always on my mind. Before that I was always attracted to girls, but something about him changed me. And I started to notice that I was attracted to guys in my school (I go to an all boys) etc. I hid what I felt, I never told anyone, and I suppose you could say that I let it build up. In front of all my friends I was the quiet one, I wouldn't go out to discos, clubbing alot because I was afraid of doing something that I would regret. I hardly noticed girls at all, like I wasn't attracted to them. And I just kept on liking people in my school, outside, etc. I was alone, I couldn't have the relationship I wanted. I remember that summer, I would stay up all night, i couldn't sleep and all I would think about was what I was missing and then I would go out with my friends the next day and act as if nothing was wrong. Then I met this girl. And I really liked her. And we bacame good friends, and it was clear she liked me and I kinda liked her. So one day for some stupid reason I told her I thought I was gay, but I really liked her. She just got real annoyed for some reason and she just wouldn't talk to me calling me a freak and stuff. After that I went crazy, sooo mad. I wanted to jump off a cliff. I didn't know what was going on inn my head. I had so many mixed feelings for people. Some guys that I just could never go near, even if they would 'look' at me in a nice way in school (if that makes any sense at all)

Basically I'm ****ing sick of the way this stuff is panning out, I don't know what to do, i don't know what I am. I want to be normal, I want to love. Im 17 for Petes sake, I want to have fun and be happy not be in the crap I'm in now. I'm ****ing human. I want to kiss a guy. I want to kiss a girl. I don't know which is right, which feels true but my feelings are stronger for guys ah Im confused ****.

What makes it worse is that I can never tell my parents. Or most of my friends beacause I'm a Muslim. And I do believe in my religon, although I'm not a streotypical fundamentalist haha. I'm just a normal Muslim. I'm half Irish half Arab. You know what that means? I don't fit in with Irish people i.e they dont fully accept you and i don't fit in fully with Arabs because they don't accept you too because of my Irish blood. I'm sick of it. That and not know baout being gay, bi whatever I just don't know what to do. I don't even know any gay people my own age, and there are very few people that are on the same wavelength.

God, I just want a different perspective on this. I want someone to just tell me everything is ok. I just feel so alone. I always help my friends and people I know with things and relationships, but that just makes me feel more alone.

I feel lonely, I feel left out, I feel left to the side. I feel degenerate. I don't know what to do.:(:(

AARRRGH

I think you need to chill.

You're still a kid.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

When you're an adult you'll be able to do whatever you want, and you'll be able to associate with whoever you want. That means no more hanging around with small minded fools.

Just be patient. It'll all work out in the end.

Sarcastix

Hi dude, I don't really know what to write in this reply but i feel for you.

The only advice i can give you is to check out this site: http://www.headstrong.ie/

They have links to Online Support Centers, Text services and Phone Numbers.
Maybe this isn't for you but it helps to talk to someone, Even if it's someone you've never met on the end of a phone.

I hope this helps.

Reflector

Hi JustxsayxYes,
At 17 I started to come out. I had been with girls and knew it wasn't for me. I told my sister and some friends. Some were more ok than others but all in all it went well. I think you are really unlucky that the one girl you opened up to turned out to be a bit of a bitch. You are not a freak at all. You may be gay or bisexual and these things are normal. I understand that it may be hard to find friends your own age who are gay as there is a lot of peer pressure for teens to keep it quiet. Anyway I think that you have a lot to look forward to. In a couple of years you will be stuck into college and that is a whole different story. There may well be a LGB organisation where you will meet people your own age and then you can try out some of the gay bars and clubs that dublin has to offer.
There is a youth group based in dublin so you should check out them www.belongto.com I think. Be patient, your time will come. Just try and enjoy being young.

note : just had a look at that websitte and it is just a number and a email address. try Gaire.com or Queerid.com as well.:)

Iwasfrozen

Couple of things here:
1) You're probably Bi because you say you are attracted to men to also that you had feelings for this Girl.

2) Telling that Girl that you were gay wasn't a good thing to do, she obviously liked you and since you basically told her you only like boys she must have felt frustrated.

3) There is nothing wrong with being Bi but if I were you I wouldn't tell anyone else, kids are cruel especially in an all boys school and the last thing you want going around is that you are a "fág".

4) you shouldn't tell your family either, if they are Muslim then they probably wouldn't accept you now. Wait untill you are older, possibly in Uni before you break the big news.

5) There is a huge world beyond where you live infinate oppertunities to express yourself later in life. You are however very young and shouldn't do anything rash that may lead to you being side-lined in either the Muslim community or indeed the fraternal community that existes in many all Male schools.

My 2 cents.

Aard

If you're having trouble being gay in Real Life, why not try an online community? (Yes, boards.ie counts ) When I was in my early teens, I found the internet of great help. Even just reading people's posts on message boards made me feel like I was part of the group, not the outcast I might have become had I told people in my school. Once you build your confidence online, then maybe you can try it offline too: somebody suggested Belong To. While it's not the best place imo, it sounds like you could benefit from just meeting some other gay teenagers.

Iwasfrozen

Aard wrote: »

If you're having trouble being gay in Real Life, why not try an online community? (Yes, boards.ie counts ) When I was in my early teens, I found the internet of great help. Even just reading people's posts on message boards made me feel like I was part of the group, not the outcast I might have become had I told people in my school. Once you build your confidence online, then maybe you can try it offline too: somebody suggested Belong To. While it's not the best place imo, it sounds like you could benefit from just meeting some other gay teenagers.

^
This.

Beruthiel

JustxSayxYes wrote: »

I'm 17, I live in Dublin. I haven't been in the world long at all, but already I feel as if I have wasted so much time.

Take a deep breath and breathe.
Now, first off, you're still a baby. As you say yourself, not long in this world.
I found 17 to be a horrible age, old enough to think and want and need to do stuff - too young to be out from under the gaze of your parents. Hormones all over the camp.

I don't know who I am anymore.

It's not required that you know. You're 17, you are still working it out. Hell I was 28 before I 100% got to know myself. As we constantly change during the course of a life time, we continue to learn more about ourselves.
Relax and just go with the flow.
It's not a race and you don't need to know today. It will come to you of it's own accord without you push it.

I was afraid of doing something that I would regret.

You will always regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did.
Quit over analyzing yourself and just allow yourself to be.

God, I just want a different perspective on this. I want someone to just tell me everything is ok.

It absolutely will be ok.
Life is just beginning for you.
As you finish up the leaving cert and move to college a new world will open to you.
Be patient, the time will soon come when you can be yourself and be proud of who you are.

Boston

At 17 you've started become self aware and concious of your own feelings/who you are only a few years ago, as such 2 years seems a very long time but thrust me, it isn't. As you get older, 2 years becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of your life. I think Aard is right, even getting involved in an online community can help you feel less alone, try reading though some of the threads linked here to see that you're not the first to have these problems.

If I could go back and give the 17 year old me some advice, it would be to stop searching for answers which will never really come. Once you learn to accept that things will always be a little bit confused, and little big unknown, or a little bit unfair, life gets a lot easier.

As for your religion, that just something which will take time to reconcile. I've had the pleasure of knowing a few Muslims, some managed to come to terms with how their faith contradicted other major aspects of their life others cut off every aspect of their life that didn't revolve around their faith. You'll have to find your own path on that one.

JustxSayxYes

Sarcastix wrote: »

Hi dude, I don't really know what to write in this reply but i feel for you.

The only advice i can give you is to check out this site: http://www.headstrong.ie/

They have links to Online Support Centers, Text services and Phone Numbers.
Maybe this isn't for you but it helps to talk to someone, Even if it's someone you've never met on the end of a phone.

I hope this helps.

Thank you. I've tried this before, it hasn't worked. But maybe I should give it another go. Thank you so much man.

Reflector wrote: »

Hi JustxsayxYes,
At 17 I started to come out. I had been with girls and knew it wasn't for me. I told my sister and some friends. Some were more ok than others but all in all it went well. I think you are really unlucky that the one girl you opened up to turned out to be a bit of a bitch. You are not a freak at all. You may be gay or bisexual and these things are normal. I understand that it may be hard to find friends your own age who are gay as there is a lot of peer pressure for teens to keep it quiet. Anyway I think that you have a lot to look forward to. In a couple of years you will be stuck into college and that is a whole different story. There may well be a LGB organisation where you will meet people your own age and then you can try out some of the gay bars and clubs that dublin has to offer.
There is a youth group based in dublin so you should check out them www.belongto.com I think. Be patient, your time will come. Just try and enjoy being young.

note : just had a look at that websitte and it is just a number and a email address. try Gaire.com or Queerid.com as well.:)

Thanks man.

Thats the point I can't wait for college and I mean that in a good way and a bad one, as in I want to be happy now. I'm 17 and I want to enjoy being young, I should be out now, but I'm not. You know I just got back with being with some friends, they were all having a good time as was I, then comes the part where i'm the only guy there with no girl etc. Think how bad I feel, its the same every weekend. Its not worth living this crap anymore. I feel that I'm too old for that belongto thing I don't know

Thanks again your'e alll so kind here

Iwasfrozen wrote: »

Couple of things here:


2) Telling that Girl that you were gay wasn't a good thing to do, she obviously liked you and since you basically told her you only like boys she must have felt frustrated.

3) There is nothing wrong with being Bi but if I were you I wouldn't tell anyone else, kids are cruel especially in an all boys school and the last thing you want going around is that you are a "fág".

4) you shouldn't tell your family either, if they are Muslim then they probably wouldn't accept you now. Wait untill you are older, possibly in Uni before you break the big news.


My 2 cents.

Thanks

Telling that girl that was the stupidest desicion of my life. She has well told people now even though I asked her not to. I'm just waiting for something to come back from that.

Its starting to go around that I am a fag and dear god I can't take it if it gets worse.

I know. Thats the one of the hardest parts because I do believe in my religon. Stress...

Aard wrote: »

If you're having trouble being gay in Real Life, why not try an online community? (Yes, boards.ie counts ) When I was in my early teens, I found the internet of great help. Even just reading people's posts on message boards made me feel like I was part of the group, not the outcast I might have become had I told people in my school. Once you build your confidence online, then maybe you can try it offline too: somebody suggested Belong To. While it's not the best place imo, it sounds like you could benefit from just meeting some other gay teenagers.

I just really hope I meet someone my own age that feels the same way I do as soon as I can. I don't think the internet would do it for me, sure it helps. I just feel that the belongto place just wouldn't suit me, and it feels too high profile. Gosh

Thanks for your advice.

Beruthiel wrote: »

Take a deep breath and breathe.
Now, first off, you're still a baby. As you say yourself, not long in this world.
I found 17 to be a horrible age, old enough to think and want and need to do stuff - too young to be out from under the gaze of your parents. Hormones all over the camp.



It's not required that you know. You're 17, you are still working it out. Hell I was 28 before I 100% got to know myself. As we constantly change during the course of a life time, we continue to learn more about ourselves.
Relax and just go with the flow.
It's not a race and you don't need to know today. It will come to you of it's own accord without you push it.



You will always regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did.
Quit over analyzing yourself and just allow yourself to be.



It absolutely will be ok.
Life is just beginning for you.
As you finish up the leaving cert and move to college a new world will open to you.
Be patient, the time will soon come when you can be yourself and be proud of who you are.

These are supposed to be the best years of my life? I really want it to be ok. I am alone. I literally have no-one. When I'm doing$ the leaving i want to be happy doing it, not the way I am now. Living this lie. How can I let myself be what I want? So much work to be that Youv'e all been a teenager before you know what hormones are like as youv'e said.

I just want to live it while the fire is strong

Boston wrote: »

At 17 you've started become self aware and concious of your own feelings/who you are only a few years ago, as such 2 years seems a very long time but thrust me, it isn't. As you get older, 2 years becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of your life. I think Aard is right, even getting involved in an online community can help you feel less alone, try reading though some of the threads linked here to see that you're not the first to have these problems.

If I could go back and give the 17 year old me some advice, it would be to stop searching for answers which will never really come. Once you learn to accept that things will always be a little bit confused, and little big unknown, or a little bit unfair, life gets a lot easier.

As for your religion, that just something which will take time to reconcile. I've had the pleasure of knowing a few Muslims, some managed to come to terms with how their faith contradicted other major aspects of their life others cut off every aspect of their life that didn't revolve around their faith. You'll have to find your own path on that one.

I totally understand I'm not the first with these problems.

I don't know what to say.

Just thank you all so so so much for all youve said youve made it a little better:(:(:(

rainbow kirby

OP - have you tried contacting Imaan, they are a support group for LGBT Muslims based in the UK. They might be able to help you with the religious issues.

JustxSayxYes

rainbow kirby wrote: »

OP - have you tried contacting Imaan, they are a support group for LGBT Muslims based in the UK. They might be able to help you with the religious issues.

I have. they aren't for me. Im sorry

Thank you so much anyway

Pet

These are supposed to be the best years of my life?

I'm not sure exactly how many posters here I speak for, but the years between 13 and 18 were unanimously the most miserable of my entire life. Never again will it be so bad, because now that I've left secondary school, and am an educated adult with interesting friends, I have control over my life in a way I just didn't back then.

For you, college will be an eye-opener. In the best possible way. Hang in there.

shay_562

Pet wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly how many posters here I speak for, but the years between 13 and 18 were unanimously the most miserable of my entire life.

Yep, pretty much.

Boston

Pet is right, those years where horrible. Secondary school is just an artificial and repressive environment, at the first sign of have an attribute that was different and not valued by my "pers", I repressed it.

You mentioned hoping to meet someone your own age whose gay/bi/confused, I discovered upon leaving school that 3 of my friends where gay/bisexual, we all just gravitated towards each other and most of us would have been very straight in appearance.

Beruthiel

JustxSayxYes wrote: »

These are supposed to be the best years of my life?

Hell no.
I agree with Pet, I found ages 13 to 18 to be the absolute worst years of my life.

Tricity Bendix

Pet wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly how many posters here I speak for, but the years between 13 and 18 were unanimously the most miserable of my entire life. Never again will it be so bad, because now that I've left secondary school, and am an educated adult with interesting friends, I have control over my life in a way I just didn't back then.

For you, college will be an eye-opener. In the best possible way. Hang in there.

+1

I.J.

Iwasfrozen wrote: »

3) There is nothing wrong with being Bi but if I were you I wouldn't tell anyone else, kids are cruel especially in an all boys school and the last thing you want going around is that you are a "fág".

I agree its not best to just tell anybody you are gay in secondary school but I do believe it is best to tell people who are friends or anybody you feel you can trust. Keeping things locked up at any age can have just as many negative effects as revealing it but at least revealing it means you are moving forward. Its important to learn early on what trust is also. If these people turn against you, they weren't worth having as friends because they would have betrayed you in other ways too. I believe its not good for maybe at 14/15 year old to reveal your gay but this guy is 17 and is almost finished school so its best for his own sake that he has the courage to tell some people he is gay so he will have no fears joining the lgbt or meeting other gays when he enters college. If people give him a tough time for the last year, keep in mind that you will most likely never see those bigots again. Also if there is any bullying going on make sure its reported. Don't let a second go by without reporting it.

JustxSayxYes

Boston wrote: »

Pet is right, those years where horrible. Secondary school is just an artificial and repressive environment, at the first sign of have an attribute that was different and not valued by my "pers", I repressed it.

You mentioned hoping to meet someone your own age whose gay/bi/confused, I discovered upon leaving school that 3 of my friends where gay/bisexual, we all just gravitated towards each other and most of us would have been very straight in appearance.

Why is it I must wait for college? I'd love it to happen now, everyone else around me is with someone, and moving on and growing up happy. I want that too. I don't want to sound selfish I'm sorry.

But just once in my life, I just want what I want. And I can't ever have it, cuz I'll never fit in anywhere.

Dark water looks inviting you know, I don't know whats going to happen after the Leaving. I've got my head on but something could give :(

Aard

JustxSayxYes wrote: »

Why is it I must wait for college? I'd love it to happen now,

Yeah, it's hard to hear "just wait it out".

JustxSayxYes wrote: »

everyone else around me is with someone, and moving on and growing up happy. I want that too.

You've made 3 points here, and I'll address them one by one:
- "everyone else is with someone." If you want to find a boyfriend, there are several ways that don't involve telling your classmates. Gaydar. Belong To. I know you've said you don't want to, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
- "everyone else is moving on." In what way? To me, "moving on" involves distancing oneself from one's core group of friends, and diversifying. For most people, that happens when they leave school.
- "everyone else is growing up happy." This is the biggest misconception out there. Everybody else is NOT happy, I could almost guarantee it. It just might seem that way because they don't talk about it. Do your friends realise that YOU're unhappy? Probably not, considering you don't want them to know that you're gay. You need to take the exceptionality out of your situation.



And just a word on being gay. There will always be some sort of backlash. There are mean people out there. They will be a pain in the ass now, and probably in the future too. Don't let that stop you telling the people you care about though. Acceptance is the key - the more you resist something, the more conflict will be in your head. Let it go. Let the assholes' comments wash over and off you.

JustxSayxYes

Aard wrote: »

Yeah, it's hard to hear "just wait it out".



You've made 3 points here, and I'll address them one by one:
- "everyone else is with someone." If you want to find a boyfriend, there are several ways that don't involve telling your classmates. Gaydar. Belong To. I know you've said you don't want to, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
- "everyone else is moving on." In what way? To me, "moving on" involves distancing oneself from one's core group of friends, and diversifying. For most people, that happens when they leave school.
- "everyone else is growing up happy." This is the biggest misconception out there. Everybody else is NOT happy, I could almost guarantee it. It just might seem that way because they don't talk about it. Do your friends realise that YOU're unhappy? Probably not, considering you don't want them to know that you're gay. You need to take the exceptionality out of your situation.



And just a word on being gay. There will always be some sort of backlash. There are mean people out there. They will be a pain in the ass now, and probably in the future too. Don't let that stop you telling the people you care about though. Acceptance is the key - the more you resist something, the more conflict will be in your head. Let it go. Let the assholes' comments wash over and off you.

I hate sounding selfish, ok, I know my friends they've come to me with problems before, they are happier then I am anyway. Good point though.

I am not an exception. I know that. I'm a bloody ****ing freak, no on wants.

Gaydar? No. Not a fan of internet relations. I'm not part of that scene.
I sound like a prick now I am sorry

There is already a backlash against me anyway. Half-half? From my first post? From Irish people and from other(mainly arab) people. Never to be accepted. (Oh I don't mean here)