Need some hormonal support!

hacked

Ok guys, I'm really sorry I know this is like my second hugely emotional advice thread.
I'm in a pickle. The ex dickhead is making life very hard, and I am really concerned about my baby. I Want to go into hospital to get things checked out...i'll be in on monday, so i need to stay calm until then.
Other people are concerned too...but here's the dilemma. I have kept the pool of people who know fully about this situation very small as a lot of people don't understand, and I really don't want this shadowing me wherever I go.
The few people that do know don't really want to give me advice or tell me what to do.

The one's the are most likely to speak out are the ones who are a) pregnant
b) Recently had a child, and seeing as there arent really many around I'm stuck.

I need help. And I know I sound very pathetic. I think I'm depressed...not that they can do much for that, but I can't think or feel, and I think my brain has started blocking out whats going on. The problem is it's stopping me from eating...so that concerns me.

But i'm rambling...

I won't make this long..but a snap shot from the last few days. I had stopped talking to my ex for about a week, as the stress he is putting me under is unhealthy. I'm starting to look into all the things I need to get for the baby so I can start gathering things second hand an work out how much I need for new things...such as a pram. 3 days ago I got in touch with my ex to talk money. I didn't even ask him for full child support, I just asked him if he could send me some money for the necessaries I need to buy.
Instead of going out and getting a job when I got pregnant he sat on his ass and did nothing. He's pretty much frauding the council in england to get a council house and is sitting around waiting on benefits. He told me that he'll send what he can afford. Which means, he;s going to have his "life" and squander money on what he feels like to hav a good life, and get a car (when there is good public transport around) and give me whatever is left over. Which wil be nothing. He said a lot of horrible things, and I kind of lost the plot, we got into a massive fight.

I woke up the next morning to discover all internet accounts he knew about (bar facebook as i had blocked him after the fight the day before) were hacked...including my boards account (Neverwhere) and he friend all email and msn accounts so that I cant get them back. I lost all information I had in those accounts, which really hurt, including stuff I was saving p in case we ever went to court. Thanks to moving and having no internet, i had not got around to saving that stuff to my harddrive.
I calmed myself down, and called him, calmly asking for my passwords. He denied all knowledge...we ended convo. He confirmed that it was him later that evening by calling me to try and convince me it wasn;t him (a dead give away that it was). A lot of this is very fuzzy to me now, I remember we started talking about money again. He said some really abusive things.

Ok...shortening the story. He wants to cut all contact. Basically he can't pay for the child and afford to see it, so whats the point? Why bother doing any of it. He's not going to give us a cent, and in the process says he wants to cut all contact. He doesnt care about this child at all, and I'm just a paranoid hysterical ninny and maybe i'll shut up and calm the f down if we stop talking. Que a full day of sobbing.

Yesterday I needed to contact him about my belongings. I left a bunch of clothes at his and I really need them back because if he isn';t going to give me a cent I cant afford maternity wear AND new clothes after the birth. Yet again he became very abusive and started black mailing me. I have about two bags of clothes of his, i was asking if we could maybe exhange in person thinking he would be there at some point for the birth or to see the child as he made a big deal about wanting that. He was incredibly nasty and just said he couldn't afford that, instead we're supposed to mail them. I can't afford to mail two bags of clothes...that would cost more than buying a small wardrobe for myself. So he basically he got some jabs in there, knowing what would hurt and then told me unless he gets his things I'm not getting mine. Or any money.
He said i could burn his clothes after that, he wants the ring back "and then i'll get my stuff", his parents are going to buy him new clothes. What the ****..my sentiments exactly.

I'm keeping the rings...I'll pribably need to pawn them for nappies at some point.

I just don't know what to do. The very personal nasty things he has said (which i havent mentioned) rip me to shreds. I'm having panic attacks, not eating, under a lot of stress and I just want to escape him. Feeling like this mkaes me feel like im not going ot make it.

As random people on the internet who have nothing to lose by telling me what to do...you really are my last hope of someone telling me what they think I should do. Should i cut contact, change my number and ignore him?
Or go to court? I've been thinking of going to court, to officially get the custody I want and officially have complete control so that he cant try and make things difficult in the future. I don't know, just the thought of this continuing is too exhausting to think about.

The_Conductor

OP- break contact with him, calm down and destress yourself. Stress is bad for you and the baby. Your ex sounds like an ass of the highest order- I'm a big believer in karma coming back to bite those who abuse it- he'll get whats coming to him sooner or later.

You need to focus on you and the baby- and stop putting yourself in situations where you know you're going to get stressed out.

I'd be pissed as hell if I lost access to a lot of my internet accounts- but at the end of the day, its something I'd just have to live with.

Is there an intermediary who might be willing to act as a go between for exchanging clothes and other possessions? His parents perhaps?

hacked

No, i very much doubt it. I'm sure i've been painted like the devil, and there's no point in more fighting.Sorry for this thread, reading back on it I do sound a bit ridiculous!

I think I'm driven by fear he's going to get access to this kid it seems to hate so much.

I've been dealing with everything pretty well by myself, I handled losing all important info pretty well. Yes, everything i had online is gone, but like you say...nothing I can do about it now.

I think I'm going to just get a new number, and pray he doesnt know my new address. Seeing as he's destroyed all ways of contacting me online, that's already been taken care of for me.
I hope he'll just lose interest and let us get on with our lives.

Nevyn

Sorry to hear about your accounts being hacked hopefully the admins of the differtent sites you use will be able to help you with that.

ok if you have the child in Ireland and you are not married in order for him to have his name on the birth cert he has to come over and sign the register of births with you and have it witnessed, if he does not his name does not go on the birth cert.

And if you are not married to him you would have sole custody of the baby when it is born.

I know that this is for you far from the ideal way you wanted to start a family and I know you were hoping and praying for him to man up and start being a caring partner
so I can understand you must be devestated.

But you are a strong person and you have the best reason in the world to look after yourself and that is your child. I would suggest that you start by talking with your dr about the situation when you go for your next check up as if you get depressed or down during pregnancy you may be at risk of postnatal depression afterwards.

I also suggest that when you have your next hospital visit that you ask to talk to the socailworker who are based in the hospital and they will be able to give you advice and support.

Now this may be hard but tell people, tell them he is being a prick.
You haven't dont anything wrong he has, he has behaved badly, he has let you and the child down, let people know this so they can be there for you.

LegacyUser

I know what its like to be pregnant and under this kind of stress from the father. The best thing you can do is a clean slate. Break all contact. The price he would make you pay for any cent he might hand over to the baby in maintenance is not worth the cost of your mental health. He will put you under so much emotional stress that you will end up acting crazy and then he will tell people how crazy you are and they will validate him having nothing to do with you or the child.

Forget his name on the birthcert. Forget about maintenance. Forget all of it. I will pm you later with some tips under my normal username.

There is nothing lonelier than bringing home a new baby on your own, and you will need ALL your serenity, peace and mental strength for it.

He is angry because his life is being changed and he has no control over it. Not your problem. Take a deep breath and one step at a time.

foxy06

You sound like you really would be better off having no more contact with him whatsoever. You need to look after you and the baby and forget about him. He won't turn into a wonderful partner and father miraculously so just forget about him and stay away.

You will be able to receive social welfare benefits and you could get some money towards your cot, pram and maternity stuff from your local community welfare officer. Look into this straight away as a little of the financial burden being lifted will help you relax.

You really should be talking to someone like a friend or relative about this. You will become very lonely if you isolate yourself. Even having a baby that is a very welcome addition to a family and one that has been tried for for a long time can cause a lot of emotional issues in both parents. I can only imagine how you must be feeling but you will feel worse after the baby arrives if you don't create some sort of social circle of friends or relatives that you can discuss these feelings with. Depression during and after pregnancy is VERY serious. You not only have yourself to look after anymore so keeping in good physical and mental health is a top priority. Keep in touch with your GP and discuss at your clinic/hospital appointments how you are feeling with the midwives/doctors. They have heard it all before and will be able to give you the best advice and help.

Hope this helps and hope your ok, I really do.

metrovelvet

I think you should stay clear and don't let this creep contact you.

Some guys can turn very nasty when there's a baby on the horizon [see scott peterson for an extreme example].

He is obviously not going to help you financially. I have to say, getting the money together for the new stuff wasnt half as hard as trying to deal with the stuff itself in the late stages of a pregnancy. So try to get people to help you. I lugged a new carseat still in a box 8 months pregnant through the nyc subways and I still cant get my cot together because it needs two people to put it together. So... you will need people more than you will need money.

If its a boy I have a ton of clothes from newborn to 18 mos I can give you if you want them. And some other bits and pieces. And I'm sure there are plenty of people around who will love to offload all the junk they accumulate with a new baby. So don't worry too much about that stuff.

What you DONT want is an emotionally compromised baby that you have to take care of on your own. You want a peaceful, happy child, so care must be taken during the gestation. I know its a sad time for you, and will stay sad for a long time, but dealing with this creep isnt going to help you or your child. He has violated you with this hacking crap and you dont want it to escalate into something worse.

hacked

hey guys, thanks so much for the advice and support.

It's been a tough few days, but I managed to get my head clear for a bit this afternoon and managed to reply to the blackmail text I got last night.

Story cut short I informed him that I didn't really like that scenario, so i would be keeping the ring and giving his stuff to charity as it is taking up a lot of space. I asked him if he was so hellbent on giving us no help to please just stay out of our lives.
He said that was fine by him, just give him the ring and id get my stuff.
I explained again that the clothes don't bother me, and I'd rather keep the ring as I am under no legal obligation to return it. (and engagement ring is classed as a gift and the parties involved are responsible for deciding who gets it in the event of a break up) I told him I am planning on giving it to our child when it's old enough to have it seeing as it's the only link I have to him. (Keeping the ring was more for psychological benefits I guess. It was something he clearly wanted and was bothered by the fact I wasn't willing to give it back. Guess I feel like I have reclaimed some of my dignity, feel that little bit less violated...and to be honest, quite empowered) I told him that he's made it clear he cares nothing for this child and is officially forfeiting all rights, so I would appreciate him leaving us alone as he won't be able to contact us for much longer.

I havent checked for any more replies to my texts, but seeing as all forms of internet contact have been destroyed, I have moved, and I went out and got myself a new sim card this evening I hopefully won't be hearing from him.

I think I'm going to be ok...you guys know what its like to be pregnant. I think it's scary enough without surprise situations like this, I think it's going to take me a while of back and forthing before I even out, but I know I've been through worse and I know I'll get through this too. It's just slightly terrifying!

Thanks so much for all the replies, they gave me the push I needed to just bite the bullet. I have my first hospital appointment on monday, so I will discuss my concerns with the consultant and also request to speak with the social worker to make sure I have all my facts straight.

Thanks guys, you managed to calm the hysterical ninny down!

bumpintraining

Hi sorry to read about your situation just wanted to say what you did shows great strength of character on your part and your baby will be proud to have such a strong mother.

My friend was in the same situation as you are now and I remember her being so scared about the future.
Her child is 2years old now and she has a new partner who adores her and her child which is what you deserve.

Things happen for a reason there's obviously someone better out there for you;)