a guy walks into a bar... (feel free to add more...)

Nikko

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?"
The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts.
The barman says, why the big pause?"
To which the bear replies "I dunno - I've always had 'em!"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here."
The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, I can see why..."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

f(x) walks into a bar and asks for some food & a pint. The barman refuses, saying "Sorry sir, we dont cater for functions!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

:P

BigEejit

Hah, some classics

A guy walked into a bar *bong* it was an iron bar (yeah yeah, funny when youre pished though)

dh0661

Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Barman - sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here.

Mushroom - why not? I'm a fungi.

dilallio

Man walks into a cocktail bar.
Man: "Barman - I'd like a Michael Collins"
Barman: "Surely you must mean a Tom Collins?"
Man: "Nope - I want a Michael Collins"
Barman: "What's that then?"
Man: "One shot and you hit the road"

pebbles21

A man walks in Gogartys Bar in Temple Bar and asks for a pint!

The Barman says"€6.50 please!"

The man says "is this a Joke?"

The Barman says"ehh...........no!"

mikeystipey

amnesiac, function and driving ones new to me and excellent..cheers Nikko

jonsnow

An irishman,an englishman and a rabbi walk into a bar and the barman says "what is this some kind of joke"!!!

Duiske

A baby seal walks into a bar.....

Duiske

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"€2"

c montgomery

Gold and silver walk into a bar,
The bartman says, Au get outta here:)

now wheres me coat

jem

two blonds walked into a bar,
u would have thought the second one would have seen it.

Feelgood

X Squared and Square Root walk into a bar.

Barman says "Sorry I dont do functions"

Speedway

josef fritzl walked into a bar.....I'm not surprised it was very dark down there!

GiftofGab

dh0661 wrote: »

Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Barman - sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here.

Mushroom - why not? I'm a fungi.

Why couldnt the mushroom get into the bar??

Because there wasn't mush-room (much room)!!

FruitLover

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks: "Why the long face?"
The horse replies: "I just found out I have cancer."

IrishSerf

Man walks into a bar.

" Large brandy please." Downs it.

"Another." Downs it.

"Another." Downs it.

"What's the occasion?" says the barman.

"Just had my first blowjob a while ago"

"Good for you, have one on me to celebrate"

"Not really celebrating, trying to get the taste of semen from my mouth"

JohnThomas09

A guy walks into a Bar and orders a Drink.

He starts chatting to a man at the Bar.

The man says:'I Beat you 50euro I could Jump out that window and land on my feet'.

The Guy says:'We are 4 storeys from the Ground and you'll be killed but ill take the beat'

So the man jumps out the window and lands on his feet unharmed.

He says to the guy:'I beat you 50euro you could jump out the window and land on your feet'

So the guy jumps out the window and falls to his death.

The Barman turns to the man at the Bar and says:
'Jesus Superman your some c*** with a few pints in ya'

dilallio

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck.
"Now, can I have a beer please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing
in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over the
We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each
lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the
building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.
Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him
about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot
of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and
yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested
in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up
for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't
you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big
pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there
starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."
The duck looked very puzzled.
"What the f*ck would he want with a plasterer?"

Mossin

A duck walks into a bar and asks "Do you sell bread?"
Barman says "this is a bar, we dont sell bread, and tells the duck to leave.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and asks "Do you sell bread?"
The barman says "I thought I told you yesterday that we dont sell bread! Now Get out!"

The following day the duck walks into the bar again and asks "Do you sell bread?"
The barman is getting irked by the duck at this stage and angrily shouts at the duck to "Get out now, I've told you twice already that we dont sell bread"

This continues for a few more days with the barman getting more and more annoyed by the duck, but the duck keeps returning asking the same question.

So on the 7th day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks "Do you sell bread?"
The barman is irate at this, says to the duck "If you come in here once more asking do we sell bread, I'm gonna nail your beak to the counter!! Now f*** off, we dont sell bread!"

On the 8th day, the duck walks into the bar and asks "Do you sell nails?"
The barman says is surprised by this and responds "No we dont sell nails"
With that the duck asks "Do you sell bread?"

Mossin

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts.

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal

pebbles21

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

marcsignal

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar..

...and the barman says "This has got to be a joke"

.

The Agogo

A man is walking through the countryside in the rain and wind one night, until he sees a light in the distance.

Hoping it would be civilisation of some sort, he finds the fence leading up to the light and lets it guide him towards it.

He finds out that the light was coming from a pub. He walks in and orders a pint.

Man: "One pint of Guinness please"
Barman "Sure thing"

While the Barman pulls the pint he says:

"Did you see that fence out there? Nice wasn't it? I built that with me own bare hands.

Man: "Yeh I suppose...it's a real nice fence".

Barman: "Do they call me Paddy-the-Fencemaker? NOOOOOOOO"

"and do yeh see this Bar here. It's made of pure mahogany. Cut the tree myself and brought it all the way to make this bartop. You like it?"

Man: "Yeh its real smooth, I really like your work!"

Barman; "But do they call me 'Paddy-the-Bar-maker'? NOOOOOO"

Meanwhile the Barman gives the man his pint...

Barman: "And do you like that pint there? It's perfect, but do they call me 'Paddy-the-Great-Pint-Puller'? NOOOOOOO"

"But ye suck ONE cock..."

The Agogo

Also:

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike want to go out drinking but have no money.
Pat says "Faith and begorra that's no problem, there's a new bar just opened, you can go drink for free, get a sandwhich for nuthin', and when you're good and drunk you can stagger into the back room and get laid."
Mike says "tell me Pat have you actually been to this bar"?
Pat says "No, but me sister has".

Culchie

Duiske wrote: »

A baby seal walks into a bar.....

Club;)

marcsignal

A Guy walks into a bar and says:

"WTF is the Stephen Gately thread ??? " :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: