Engagement Rings - good or bad idea?

Malari

iguana wrote: »

Isn't that what a wedding ring is?

Oh that's a different thing! I wouldn't want a wedding ring if I got an engagement ring (or vice-versa).

Kooli

miss_shadow wrote: »

I think its about the ring and the place or whatever he does on the moment that you get engaged.
this waiting to get a ring thing is just so un-official and careless.
if he wants to marry you, ring+eiffel tower..on a mountain in china etc. is a winner, anything less is not a winner...

just my opinion

This is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about!

I don't have so much of an issue with the dress thing, cos it's not like the guy wants to wear a dress or has to wear nothing. The woman can really wear whatever type of dress she likes and spend as much or as little as they both agree they can afford.

But the ring is something HE has to buy for HER to mark the engagement and SHE wears it around and shows it to other people who judge it!!

And just look in the weddings and marriage forum for proof that people DO judge it and DO believe it has to be a certain size/blingness and DO believe it's some sort of measure of his love (or at least his lack of stinginess).

shellyboo

Yeah, but Kooli... Do you really care what people like that think? I mean, I know I wouldn't. Anyone who thinks the size/cost of your ring is related to how much your partner loves you is at best deluded, if not just plain stupid.

If someone of that ilk gave out to me or judged me because I'd decided not to have a ring, or my ring was "too small", I'd just think, "how sad".

At the end of the day, its about doing what's right for your relationship, and being content in knowing you're both doing it the way you want - and fcuk the begrudgers, as they say

^^^^^

+ 1000!

Kooli

shellyboo wrote: »

Yeah, but Kooli... Do you really care what people like that think? I mean, I know I wouldn't. Anyone who thinks the size/cost of your ring is related to how much your partner loves you is at best deluded, if not just plain stupid.

If someone of that ilk gave out to me or judged me because I'd decided not to have a ring, or my ring was "too small", I'd just think, "how sad".

At the end of the day, its about doing what's right for your relationship, and being content in knowing you're both doing it the way you want - and fcuk the begrudgers, as they say

You're absolutely right, and I think that is the way I will see things if and when the time comes for me.

But I guess I'm just ranting that this is how it is, and what bugs me the most is that it is probably my fiance who will be judged harshly as a result of my choice, rather than me!

And I DO have friends who see things that way, so to be honest I would care what they think! Just because they really care about diamond rings, does not make them bad people who I can just dismiss out of hand!! But actually most of them already know how I feel about it all, so they'll be prepared...

iguana

Kooli wrote: »

But I guess I'm just ranting that this is how it is, and what bugs me the most is that it is probably my fiance who will be judged harshly as a result of my choice, rather than me!

On the other hand when you are married and you tell men who are hitting on you in clubs that you're married, you'll find that many of them accuse you of lying if you are wearing just a plain band without also wearing a diamond ring.:rolleyes:;)

Xiney

iguana wrote: »

On the other hand when you are married and you tell men who are hitting on you in clubs that you're married, you'll find that many of them accuse you of lying if you are wearing just a plain band without also wearing a diamond ring.:rolleyes:;)

I just tell them it's too expensive for me to wear out of the house

Malari

iguana wrote: »

On the other hand when you are married and you tell men who are hitting on you in clubs that you're married, you'll find that many of them accuse you of lying if you are wearing just a plain band without also wearing a diamond ring.:rolleyes:;)

I would tell them they were right, I was lying but I still wouldn't touch them with a barge-pole.

matrina2641

personally i think i love the idea that a man took the time out of his day, the money out of his pay cheque and went into a jewellery shop and asked advice, looked through loads of rings and picked a ring especially for me.

I wouldnt really care what the ring cost or even looked like, i just love the fact that hes gone and decided he wants to be with me forever and bought me a ring to symbolise that decision.

i feel like that when my bf buys me jewellery for xmas and bday...like 'wow heres a man who knew nothing about jewellery and wudnt be caught dead looking at jewellery before, but hes taken the time to notice what kind of jewellery i like and go into a shop and pick something for me'.

i only want a ring because i think its so cute and admirable that hes gone and bought me something ill like after deciding he wants to be with me forever.

not sure that makes sense

amdublin

iguana wrote: »

It is if she is automatically assuming that her outfit is more important and therefore she is justified in sending more on it.

Which is generally the case.

It's quite clearly sexist.

iguana

amdublin wrote: »

Which is generally the case.

It's quite clearly sexist.

Which is what I said, so what's your point? You seem to have misunderstood my initial post and taken umbrage. Now instead of admitting your mistake you are trying to make me out to be a hypocrite. I spent £53 pounds on my dress and £12 on shoes for my wedding, my husband spent the bones of £200 on his outfit.

amdublin

iguana wrote: »

Which is what I said, so what's your point? You seem to have misunderstood my initial post and taken umbrage. Now instead of admitting your mistake you are trying to make me out to be a hypocrite. I spent £53 pounds on my dress and £12 on shoes for my wedding, my husband spent the bones of £200 on his outfit.

Hey, I'm agreeing with you!!!!

Sorry, can't multiquote:
"I spent £53 pounds on my dress and £12 on shoes for my wedding, my husband spent the bones of £200 on his outfit"

Now this. Now this is quite clearly sexist against women because he spent more than you

Hey, whoever said that everything had to be absolutely and completely equal in order not to be sexist???!!! Does personal choice come in to anything?

iguana

amdublin wrote: »

Hey, I'm agreeing with you!!!!

Sorry.:o

amdublin wrote: »

Now this. Now this is quite clearly sexist against women because he spent more than you

I know, and his wedding ring was more expensive because his sexist finger is bigger.

Or it could just be that I used to work with vintage and second hand clothes, so I'm extremely good at getting bargains.

amdublin wrote: »

Hey, whoever said that everything had to be absolutely and completely equal in order not to be sexist???!!! Does personal choice come in to anything?

Of course things don't have to be exactly equal, but the engagement ring tradition as it currently stands is unfair on the man. It puts him under a lot of pressure and financial expense, even if they have a joint bank account she gets something and he doesn't. If he wants to do it that's fine, but the expectation is wrong.

amdublin

iguana wrote: »

If he wants to do it that's fine, but the expectation is wrong.

AGREED!

Like hey, wants wrong with a man wanting to buy a nice gift for his lady

But I agree, this assumption it has to be done is wrong.

amdublin

amdublin wrote: »

AGREED!

Like hey, wants wrong with a man wanting to buy a nice gift for his lady

But I agree, this assumption it has to be done is wrong.

At the end of the day, IMO what each couple wants to do is their own personal choice.

shellyboo

Kooli wrote: »

And I DO have friends who see things that way, so to be honest I would care what they think! Just because they really care about diamond rings, does not make them bad people who I can just dismiss out of hand!! But actually most of them already know how I feel about it all, so they'll be prepared...

Absolutely they're not bad people! Bit on the same way that you respect their values, they should respect yours. Anyone who makes you feel bad, or self-conscious about a decision that makes you happy is not a friend. A true friend will be happy for you, ring or no, and won't think less of you or your OH.

I know you're just ranting really... I just really strongly believe that too many people make their marriage about other people. Their parents, family, friends - everything done to appease or accommodate them, instead of doing what they want. And that's so wrong! Marriage is the one event where I think you should be truly selfish as a couple and do it all your own way.

How Strange

When we got engaged my initial reaction was that I didn't a ring but my OH felt he should get me a ring because my family would expect me to have one. We dithered about it and decided if he wanted to buy me one then I'd accept. We had a modest budget and we bought a lovely ring which I love. I love it because we chose it together and I really appreciate that he used his savings to buy it for me and that makes me love him all the more.

Also, that is the only traditional thing we're doing. Our wedding will be exactly how we want it to be and my parents (his are less traditional) know this. However, and my OH wouldn't believe me when I told him this, I don't think my parents would've batted an eye if we didn't have an engagement ring. They've come to expect this type of thing from me. In fact I suspect their joy at seeing the ring was a disbelief that there was a ring!

~me~

well my partner and i had been talking about marriage for years (mainly, how we didnt want a traditional wedding, maybe just a 'bonding ceremony' or something, as we didnt feel the need to make anything 'official') so in that regard we were already engaged- planned to marry- whatever you wanna say!

one christmas he asked what i wanted for christmas and jokingly i said a ring (an ongoing joke among family etc. as we already had a child and still hadnt 'set anything in stone') and the next week he brought me to a jewellers to pick out my own ring. i kept telling him i was genuinely only messing and he said he knows i was but he had been thinking about it himself beforehand and i just confirmed that he should!

the ring was not as much as the average engagement ring but it was the one i wanted and i havent taken it off since ive gotten it. we didnt have a party or anything as we already felt we were engaged, the ring was more a christmas gift than an engagement ring! or the result of a joke but that doesnt sound as good! :rolleyes:

i think it sometimes speaks more if a couple doesnt need a ring to prove their relationship, if you both know you're going to marry one day then you dont need to make that promise 'official' by paying through the ear for a piece of jewellery! its up to the couple really, either way it doesnt matter what anyone says!

acorntoast

Kooli wrote: »

But the ring is something HE has to buy for HER to mark the engagement and SHE wears it around and shows it to other people who judge it!!

And just look in the weddings and marriage forum for proof that people DO judge it and DO believe it has to be a certain size/blingness and DO believe it's some sort of measure of his love (or at least his lack of stinginess).

You're 100% correct about this - your engagement ring advertises the wealth of your husband at the time of your engagement. A lot of people use it as a status symbol and therefore many couple are very concerned about the price paid and the size of the rock.

Loopy

OP its really down to you - if you dont want a ring dont get one.

When I got engaged it really pissed me off that people just grabbed my hand to have a gawk.. I was like, GTF off me... Even people I hardly knew who had heard about it:rolleyes:

Cows Go µ

It's very silly but I already have an engagement ring picked out. My mum inherited a ring that I love and its exactly what I would have wanted. Plus, its pretty expensive (going into the thousands last time it was checked in a jewellers). So, me and mum pretty much decided it would be used if I got engaged when I'm older. I would hate for my future fiance to spend so much money on something so unnecessary, besides, I doubt I could find someone who could afford to spend that amount of money. It was lucky that it is actually exactly what I would have picked

SeekUp

iguana wrote: »

If he wants to do it that's fine, but the expectation is wrong.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

Or, even if the expectation of a ring is still there - tradition and all that - the expectation for everything to be one-sided seems a bit skewed in this day and age.

congo_90

So on the note of engagement and rings.. If she doesn't wanna take your name yet you go about a traditional style engagement (meaning in full wishes)
what does it mean?
By the way i'm single but just curious about this

SeekUp

congo_90 wrote: »

So on the note of engagement and rings.. If she doesn't wanna take your name yet you go about a traditional style engagement (meaning in full wishes)
what does it mean?

It probably means that she likes one tradition and not the other.

congo_90

congo_90 wrote: »

So on the note of engagement and rings.. If she doesn't wanna take your name yet you go about a traditional style engagement (meaning in full wishes)
what does it mean?
By the way i'm single but just curious about this

probs means she likes being known as her own name and is known by that everywhere and on all her documents and sees no reason to give it up

Unwilling

My OH wants to buy me a ring. And not a cheap one either.
We' ve scoured the shops and it' makes my tummy do somersaults when i think of the money - Not that we can't afford it. We can. I'm just terrified of spending that money and then not liking the ring!
ANY ADVISE from you LEVEL HEADED PEOPLE

SarahSassy

I was engaged before and my tight ex insisted I paid a portion towards the cost of the ring cos it was over his imagined budget even though he had just paid out a fortune joining a golf club... It didnt last.

I would love a ring. I think its a nice gesture and a symbol of your oh's intentions. I think someone shouldnt borrow to buy the ring but I would happily accept a nice rock if he could afford it.

SarahSassy

Unwilling wrote: »

My OH wants to buy me a ring. And not a cheap one either.
We' ve scoured the shops and it' makes my tummy do somersaults when i think of the money - Not that we can't afford it. We can. I'm just terrified of spending that money and then not liking the ring!
ANY ADVISE from you LEVEL HEADED PEOPLE

Get a diamond you like, set it in a simple style (eg simple solitaire) and you can always change the setting in years to come. TBH, a lot of rings will have to be reset after a number of years due to wear and tear so you can always choose to change the style then without ruining the sentiment.

SarahSassy

Loopy wrote: »

When I got engaged it really pissed me off that people just grabbed my hand to have a gawk.. I was like, GTF off me... Even people I hardly knew who had heard about it:rolleyes:

Yeah it skind of an awkward one though. People feel obliged to ask you to see the ring. I never ask cos I wouldnt want to lie and say the ring is nice if its not.

Ickle Magoo

I liked getting an engagement ring.

My OH got me an antique ring (none of this "us choosing" caper, he got it without my knowledge). I later learnt he'd put down a deposit when he saw it and then took six months to pay it off - we were impoverished students at the time! I think the effort he went to is part of the reason the ring is so special, he clearly planned to ask me to marry him and then he set about getting a ring he felt would adequately mark the occasion.

If your preference is not to get a ring then tell him that - but it's not just the girl getting engaged, bear in mind getting you a ring may be something he sees as important & wants to do.