Frozen crabs

patmac

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.

---

Hotel Related Incident
A man checks into a hotel in Belfast while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone box when you're calling for a taxi.
He popped into a phone box in Gt Victoria Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning.

---

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round..

Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.