A few short ones!

dak

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

---

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

---

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

---

I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

---

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

---

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

---

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

---

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

---

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

---

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

---

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

---

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

---

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

---

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

---

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

---

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

---

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

---

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..

---

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

---

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

---

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

---

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

byrner88

good owl tommy cooper

Mickarooney

id say its Tim Vine rather than Cooper

dak

This is defo Tim Vine ..enjoy!

So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.
_____________________________________________________
One arm butlers - they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
____________________________________________________
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
___________________________________________________
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
___________________________________________________
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
____________________________________________________
I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl…
_____________________________________________________
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
____________________________________________________
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
____________________________________________________
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
_______________________________________________
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
____________________________________________________
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
____________________________________________________
Albinos - you can’t say fairer than that!
______________________________________________________
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
____________________________________________________
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
________________________________________________
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.
____________________________________________________
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
_______________________________________________________
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
________________________________________________________
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
____________________________________________________
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
____________________________________________________
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

keano_afc

Love Tim Vine. Those jokes always give me a good laugh. Cheers dak.