Break ups, rejection, stress etc. Coping mechanisms

Will

So in an effort to talk about more interesting things other than your first scrap or beer, something that isn't really talked about. Coping mechanisms. How do you deal with shít? and more importantly is there a way that you could better deal with it?

I am good with practical things that have a concrete solution, e.g a looming deadline that's causing me stress. I know what i've to do so just go ahead and do the work, lay it out and bang it on a page. I know the more I get done and the closer I get to finishing the more the stress will alleviate.

With break ups and rejections I'm not so good, tbh I find the best way is to get very drunk. Gets it all out of my system. I know it's not the healthiest at all, but there's not many other options available to lads in my experience. You will get the odd male mate saying 'ah plenty more fish in the sea' or 'she wasn't suited to you anyway'. That's where it usually ends and the rest is left up to you to digest.

anyway how does everyone else deal with stress and stuff?

Tefral

Some sort of physical activity usually.

I mean i never realised how stressed i was till i started playing rugby, after training or a match besides being a bit bust up i feel really at peace inside.
I remember the best thing i did around my J. cert and L. cert would be to go to Taekwon-Do. Theres something about every hit and the exhaustion that de-stresses me.

With regard to breakups..hmm.. its a tough one, im useless at dealing with feelings and all that, i cant verbalise hurt that isn't physical at all. Find finding another woman, usually helps ha ha

The old saying the best way to get over one, is to get under another really is true..

Praetorian Saighdiuir

Yeah, training seems to work the best for me too, actually (not being smart) sex works quite well also. Sometimes watching tv relaxes me too.

Tefral

benwavner wrote: »

Yeah, training seems to work the best for me too, actually (not being smart) sex works quite well also. Sometimes watching tv relaxes me too.

Ha ha ya sex is a good de-stresser.

I find if im agitated over something watching TV or sitting down, makes me worse, i kinda get a cabin fever type of feeling!

L31mr0d

I read, specifically I look up psychological studies into forms of cognitive and behavioural biases and distortions that could of led to my reaction. In doing so I learn to understand why my brain forces a reaction from me and how to deal with it. I turn a moment of anger or doubt into a reason to learn more about myself and also about others when I see reactions from them.

This and this where insightful, at least as a stepping stone for me to do further reading.

SprostonGreen

Exercise, listening to music. In the past smoking a reefer. But never drink, that has a tendancy to make me despressed or compound problems. Writing out my thoughts has worked too.

Wibbs

Well I've only had two really big breakups in my life. That's not to say the lesser ones were walks in the park. They weren't, but they were easier. With the two biggies I pretty much lost it for a time. Not in a general way, just in a specific one. Work wise it didn't affect me, ditto with the rest of my life. I could compartmentalise it OK. Emotionally? Nope. Just went numb. Couldn't stop trying to "fix" it at first. In my head rather than in life. Bewildered mostly. For the guts of a year I'd say. Emotionally the lights were on but no one was home:D It eased back after that, but TBH both left scars. I would be very dubious about opening up like that again. Though I know intellectually that's daft.

With other things like grief? Similar. Numb at first. Tried to ignore the feelings. Couldn't fix it so tried to fix those around me affected by the fallout. That took my mind of things Id say.

Coping mechanisms? Well I'm used to being the one who had the answers. Even at an early age. Even with adults(which was weird in retrospect). I tended to get that. So when stuff hit me hard, I tended also to rely on myself and myself alone. Or the pain came out in different less obvious ways. I had a few upsets growing up(like we all do) and weathered them ok. Then at 17 my childhood dog died and I completely crumbled. I was inconsolable on the day it happened. Pure heartbreak. I actually felt something in my chest snap weirdly enough(had that with the two big exes as well). Looking back and even soon after I could see it was not just the loss of my dog, but all the other hurts coming to the surface through him. Just like he had been there for me as an always open big ear through those times. I mourned him for that and all the hurt, small and large he had helped me through.

I'm bloody lucky that I also have good friends, men and women. Good friends who didnt judge or give the usual platitudes, just let me be me while I worked it out, knowing they really had my back. I had one mate who is mad about footie. He knows I know jack and am interested even less:D but one night years back when I was having a tough time, he showed up and asked how I was. I did the usual bloke thing of "ah sure I'm grand", so he left that alone and then regaled me with talk of mid fielders and offside rules and bastard refs: for hours. And you know what it worked. It really did. Not exactly something taught in Shrinkschool but it worked. That's why I love him even with his footballist handicap. :eek::D

Wibbs

cronin_j wrote: »

Ha ha ya sex is a good de-stresser.

yea but only if I'm with someone I'm close too. If not or I'm stressed? Nope. It's like playng snooker with a rope . Even with someone I care about if I'm stressed it doesn't cut it. Holding them close does and having a laugh yes, but nookie, not so much. I know this is the Gentlemans club, but maybe the X part of my chromosome holds more sway in this respect.

Handsome Bob

College wise I aggessively keep on top of things one thing at a time. I finished one assignment this week that's due on Thursday and immediately started and finished an essay that's not due until the 23rd. Thus I've freed up considerable time for the next assignment. That's how I cope in college.

Women wise? I skip. Skip on the spot and slowly increase speed until you can't see the rope in front of you. It's a great way of relieving pent up frustration.

trout

For common or garden stress, I like to juggle.

I have to concentrate so hard on not dropping the balls, or forgetting the sequence & rhythm ... there's no time or attention left for whatever it was stressing me out.

Sparky

Well with the relationship thing I'm finding my most recent one a little bit too hard to get over.
Still always turn out to be the nice guy - it really does get you nowhere really. Well it gets you so far and tbh this time around it has been women from different countries with the same result.
I'm not great at the breakups. I tend to firstly go away to my own little world with very little communication with anyone as just a time to relax and think. Then afterwards I tend to let it all out for someone to talk to and get opinions about.

Rejection I'm somewhat used to. Depends on how extreme the rejection is. If you put your heart into something the rejection hurts more.

Stress I'm well used to at this time. There will be cases where you realise you are stressed and that it shows, but for the majority of my current life, stress takes up 65% of it. Its the times when you decide to put it all to one side and not let it get in the way or cloud what you want to do at any given moment where you want to get away from it that I truly enjoy.

Mr Benevolent

Family stress is what I'm used to, it's been going on a long time, calmed down a bit down. I could compartmentalise the stress etc. In work I tended to make big mistakes and not pay attention, making things much worse. Silly response really Only had one big breakup, went a bit psycho-ex, in retrospect the breakup was my fault and I've learned my lesson(s). No problems in the current relationship.

Current stress is the big one. I'm in Brisbane with the gf in an apartment (been here a month), rapidily running out of money and can't find a job. Secretly I'm really worried, because if I don't find a job in the next 2/3 weeks I'm going to have to book a flight back to Dublin. Besides that I really only came over to live with the gf (she came over to get work experience as a chef, which she's doing), I don't really like the country, I have to go back home, get a job and save for college next September. I just don't want to let her down.

brendansmith

Go to the gym and the physical exertion will clear your mind, after weights hop on the treadmill and set it for a long time at a doable pace, the worries will fall off in the sweat.

minidazzler

I'm very much a bottle up and explode type of person.

I will hold it all in until it either comes out in a fit of rage, I meet up with my friends (I don't talk about it, it just lets me act immature and stupid, they don't know me for who I am on Boards.) or I get really really drunk and score a random girl convince her to do something I don't really want to do (never full sex, everything but) and then regret it while laughing about it the next day.


The fit of rage is the most often though because I don't meet with my friends enough to use that and I don't go drinking enough to use that.


Aftermath of a breakup, well I never really had a proper relationship for too long, but the only one that was kinda proper I felt crap after but that's because of other circumstances that surrounded it that fcuked me up and had me in real fear.

SoupyNorman

When I get stressed I like to be alone, sometimes with a glass of wine, sometimes with my PS3, sometimes both but whatever I do I just like to think it out, whatever is causing the stress has a solution and I nearly always arrive at a place where it still maybe a problem but I no longer get stressed about it.

My love life has been pretty crazy, had very very little confidence with women before college, had one long-term relationship which I ended and I gotta say I felt crap for a good long while but I think quite laterally and I just re-iterated the fact that I didnt love her to myself, I met my now girlfriend of 5years about 6months after that relationship ended and we are still going great, I really cant imagine not being together so I think a break-up there would be a doozy.

Snowie

Really good, Thread topic if i could give you kudos I would ...

Rejection ..This is a really good one. The old me used to get freeked out big time. Anxiety attacks and just well emotionaly hand granade thats just gone of only way i can discribe it.. Id panic text long long texts leavign the poor girl with messages that where so long... Obvously this was in my younger age wear to be honest i didnt no that much about anything... still dont... Put it this way 4 years ago a girl had soem what of a catalist affect, on me. I swear this is messed up but hey Im going to say it... we where losely afialated ie meet up a couple of times, texting every day. emailing yada yada.

Any way I was off to work and i got a message from her saying "I dont wanna seem like a bitch but we can't see wach other any more" I asked why, she told me, now I liked her to behonest I was busted.... She said something I said you no what your like chasing a rainbow. :rolleyes:.. any way a couple of days later I lost my job. because they found my dyslexia out and well wernt to happy about it. So i did what any young man would do with the amount of money I had, I went snowboarding for 6 months and just got away...

did that for 3 years working as a chef ending up in random places working crazy jobs... any way she kept in losse contact with me things never seemed right with her. as i travelled expereceing some situations that should be in an east enders plot and just did my own thing... until may 2008.... then I kind decided i needed help... so I got help... worked on a my issuess as you do... any way things in my life have been good, 4 months ago she emailed me and at some point she droped she was single again....

the weird thing was I saw it coming... Im not perticualarly proud over it. but its what i saw.


So with that in the past rejection experences have left me very
emotional times where i shut my self out from the world and and hide... While feeling sorry for my self. run away from my feeelings
In th past I used to have this really bad habbit about fantasing how things could be, when id meet a girl. which tended to be my own worst enmey. so not perticualarly well.

now adays

I have been seeing a few girls and went on dates some of them went well other did'nt but Ive noticed something, Im not really as fussed as I once was,
i relsise that just because you go on a date it doesnt mean your going to go places as nice as that would be, its a fact that just because your gentles happen to fit in each other it doesnt mean you destined to share your life with each other. I think dealing with rejection is pretty easy now adays for me. I except it, and maybe I wonder why? but useually the answer comes to you.

So i think it somthing you have to get used to but useually its for the right reason's... and in some case's can be a very lucky escape

So my past I was needy despperate, etc. I understand why I was. I don't see shame in it because I think being strong enough to talk about this sort of stuff for me keeps the lessons Ive learned close to me. Thus remembering how I wonce was and how I am now the difference is mind blowing.

as for reletionships break ups
How would I deal with them, in this new frame of mind I have I really don't know... I havent had any gfs since Ive learned to deal with emotions in genrall. But I think if I had to I probably log on to my blog page and just type about it till I felt i didnt need to any more. But also I'd look after my self, nurture my self remind my self of thinsg I'm good at. I understand the fact that im upset and would have that right to be. Maybe even have a cry about it..... I dont think theres any shame in it. More then anything I do things I want to do. Id have fun and not nesscerlly drink my self in to oblivian, it can leave you feeling worse and the next day very down...

Tho i do plan on starting Ice hockey soon so thats where my stress wil be going :pac:

Herbal Deity

I've only been in two proper relationships - I'm currently in one, and the other lasted for 10 months when I was 16/17. The latter's breakup was the biggest emotional distress I've been in that I can remember.

How did I cope? Same as I do with any stress, including two major rejections - take it one day at a time, deep breaths and the odd cry when I'm feeling really down and lonely. At the back of my mind I know that all that it takes is time to get over anything. That said, I do torture myself thinking about what's happened, looking at the bebo/facebook profile of the girl involved etc. I don't know if this is good or bad, but I do always get over it eventually.

Oh, and I drink and smoke a bit more than usual when stressed too (not to a worrying level). I think everyone does though.

amacachi

I'm 21 and I've never really been in a relationship, fair amount of rejection though. The way I'd cope was get ****ed up as often as possible, what I do now is never put myself in a situation where I may be rejected. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world but I'm satisfied enough getting ****ed up with a few mates now and then rather being some girl's lapdog til something better comes along.

Handsome Bob

amacachi wrote: »

I'm 21 and I've never really been in a relationship, fair amount of rejection though. The way I'd cope was get ****ed up as often as possible, what I do now is never put myself in a situation where I may be rejected. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world but I'm satisfied enough getting ****ed up with a few mates now and then rather being some girl's lapdog til something better comes along.

Same here. Sometimes when I've been rejected I've taken it badly to the point where it affects me in all aspects of life. From college to family. It is a real cause of stress for me so I eliminate the stress. As you said maybe it's not healthy but I find that these days I have a much more clearer head for college and for interacting positively with family and friends.

Will

Last summer helped me deal with rejection a lot, as I was strung along on 2 separate occasions and basically shot down in the most glorious blaze.

It really messed me up confidence wise, as the rejections were right out of left field. For a long long time I was terrified to take anything past a first kiss with a girl, out of fear of getting a shock again and getting my ass dumped. Even now I still worry, there's a lil voice at the back of my head just niggling away at me.

I don't know how I got over it, I don't think I have tbh. I'm getting better at it though, and as cliché'd as it sounds time is a healer.

amacachi

LZ5by5 wrote: »

Same here. Sometimes when I've been rejected I've taken it badly to the point where it affects me in all aspects of life. From college to family. It is a real cause of stress for me so I eliminate the stress. As you said maybe it's not healthy but I find that these days I have a much more clearer head for college and for interacting positively with family and friends.

I've had problems in the past often stemming from girls in one way or another. While it may not improve my confidence it does eliminate one point of stress, and there's always going to be a certain point when things become too much so getting rid of one bit of baggage can make all the difference. I spend quite a bit of time alone these days, especially in college but I've found I don't mind my own company.

Wibbs

Funny enough for some reason my confidence doesn't drop, except of course right after a break, but a little bit of me switches off, that's for sure. Actually I'm sorry I didn't fall in love more often and have the oul heartbreak rejection thing when I was younger. Would have immunised me. With me it was 26 odd and 38. And the with later one I had forgotten the lessons learned from the earlier one. Typical. :mad::D

I do think that if it had happened at 18 or so and a couple of times by 25 I may have a better take on it, or maybe I would be even more cynical. Hard to say. Looking back though I reckon get it over earlier in your life. It's easier to come back from and I think it's easier to reset the mechanism. I would be surprised if I could now. May be wrong though and hopefully I am.

amacachi

Wibbs wrote: »

I do think that if it had happened at 18 or so and a couple of times by 25 I may have a better take on it, or maybe I would be even more cynical. Hard to say. Looking back though I reckon get it over earlier in your life. It's easier to come back from and I think it's easier to reset the mechanism. I would be surprised if I could now. May be wrong though and hopefully I am.

Being 21 and a cynical ****er isn't the best situation to be in, trust me. :pac:

Wibbs

true, though I reckon you've more room to maneuver emotion wise and more room to be surprised by someone again when younger. I'd also reckon what some describe as cynicism is more anger at what they thought was true wasn't. My cynicism is more of the little surprises me anymore and I can see this stuff coming a mile off variety. Actually that's it for me, I miss the element of surprise with someone. It's more meh, than arrgh with me anyway.

Handsome Bob

Wibbs wrote: »

I do think that if it had happened at 18 or so and a couple of times by 25 I may have a better take on it, or maybe I would be even more cynical. Hard to say. Looking back though I reckon get it over earlier in your life. It's easier to come back from and I think it's easier to reset the mechanism. I would be surprised if I could now. May be wrong though and hopefully I am.

I don't know about that man, what if you had nothing but rejection? When you're a lad and that happens to you it's hard not to develop a deep rooted cynicism. You can't see how it's going to get better.

Wibbs

Oh I agree and I'm defo not dismissing feelings and experiences like that, but I think on a basic numbers level you have more chances of coming out of that at 22 than say at 52. For a start you're more likely to meet someone similar to you but without the baggage, so it's "new" for at least one of you. The rejection cynicism I do think is easier to get over. I dont have rejection cynicism as such. I mean I can get dates fairly easily. It's not an issue for me on that score. I have more of a general external cynicism about love and women and all that. Don't get me wrong, I bloody love women. More than a lot of men and have really good actual mates that just happen to be women, but on the romantic front? Nope. That easy going fully open trust I had when younger I simply don't have now.

I suppose I would have been of the incurable romantic types. I couldn't nor wouldn't settle for anything less than the full love deal. I certainly couldn't settle for convenience sake. For the sake of having a partner(as many convince themselves to do). I would much rather be single. Actually I've always been like that. Just now, I'm much more so.

Handsome Bob

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh I agree and I'm defo not dismissing feelings and experiences like that, but I think on a basic numbers level you have more chances of coming out of that at 22 than say at 52. For a start you're more likely to meet someone similar to you but without the baggage, so it's "new" for at least one of you.

Even if one did meet someone similar to themselves (and there seems to be a connection), because of the previous experiences you could be too afraid to bite the bullet and ask her out. What if you read the signals wrong? What if you damage a good friendship because of that failure to read the signs correctly? You're back to square one, and the latest experience becomes just another case study to add to the cynicism case file. It's not healthy for someone to experience mostly rejection from a young age, especially if your peers don't seem to have the same problems.

I suppose I would have been of the incurable romantic types. I couldn't nor wouldn't settle for anything less than the full love deal. I certainly couldn't settle for convenience sake. For the sake of having a partner(as many convince themselves to do). I would much rather be single. Actually I've always been like that. Just now, I'm much more so.

I would be the same, but even then as a young lad you are the odd one out in your group of friends for feeling like that. Rather than having no strings fun on a weekend you're perfectly happy to bide your time and wait for something meaningful to come along. All of a sudden there are gay rumours going around the circle. :pac:

Wibbs

Oh no I had the no strings fun. I see that and relationships as entirely separate TBH. What I look for in the latter is very different. I'm very fussy with the latter.

Sorry I wasn't being very clear:o I meant my cycnicism is much less the rejection one, because on a sexual front anyway I haven't had that much rejection TBH or it never affected me too much(except as an angst ridden 17 yr old). I've been rejected yes, oh god yes. Told to feck off more than once But the successes over shadowed that.

kaimera

break-ups = new tech stuff for me.

Tho I did bring some guys to Germany with me for a weekend after one breakup.

milod

When faced with stress, anger, rejection, and so on, I generally dive right into the emotion and try to see it from as many different perspectives as I can. The worst thing you can do is to try to avoid feeling pain. Allow yourself to feel it and you'll be surprised that it's not actually as bad as you thought it might be.

I usually start with trying to think through stuff while cycling or swimming as fast as I can. If that doesn't do it, I talk to friends. If that doesn't work, I'll resort to sex - though I think this can sometimes be a negative action in the context of a good relationship. If I find my ability to, ahem, complete the deed is in anyway affected, then I know for sure that I need to talk to someone professional about it.

the_syco

For stress, I used to play violent video games (Wolf3D, Doom, etc, when I was 12). Acter a while, though, it wasn't enough, but luckily I found religion to fill the gaps Play mindless violence videogames like CoD4 nowadays. For small amounts of stress, it's good.

For high amounts of stress, listening to angy heavy metal works for me. When the anger/stress goes, I turn down the volume. Hatebreed, etc, is good for this.

Doing exercise, such as lifting weights, and listening to angry heavy metal, feels damn good. Otherwise, I just listen to Manowar when doing weights.

As for breakups, yet to get with a girl, so meh on that.