Morbid dread

OldGoat

When my father passed away my older brother shouldered the burden of dealing with all the ensuing kafuffle, organising the undertaker, setting the death notice in the paper, dealing with the priests and so on. I'm eternally grateful that he did as that allowed my to grieve for my dad unencumbered by mundane dealings with the funeral arrangements.
Now I'm thinking about my mum with her birthday coming up tomorrow, 88.
Every morning I dread going downstairs, fearing that I'll see the TV still on and knowing that she never went upstairs that night. I walk into the room and I find I can't look at her chair for fear that she'll be there, quiet, stilled. Yet I really need to find out about the processes that occur after a loved one passes. I can't ask on my brother to ‘be the man of the family’ again, I have to take control and take my share.

But I'm totally clueless as to what the process is. I haven't been able to bring myself to searching for information, pre-event as it were. This little stream of thought is my first step in preparing myself to be the rock in the turbulent waters ahead, for my brother, for my wife and kids.

So, just what is the process? Who do you call? Do funeral directors take over completely? Do they arrange for death notices? Do death notices still exist? Do I have to arrange for flowers? Do I have to tell the gardi that I’ve just found my mum dead in her armchair? <Shudder at the thought>. The more I start to think about it the more questions I am raising for myself.

Sorry for the morbid thread but it's something I feel I should get to grips with earlier rather then later.
Who helped you with cleaning up after someone’s passing?

imme

You should have a look at www.rip.ie, a good resource. Undertakers are brilliant, as they go through it all the time. It must be terrible to have that feeling of fear that you said you experience thinking that you'll find your mother dead one morning.

Hellrazer

Good thread Oldgoat.

Me--I have a terrible fear of death ,both of dying myself or someone close to me passing away and as such I simply refuse to even talk about it with anyone--I even had problems setting up the insurance policies for the mortgage.

Theres a close cousin of mine that died tragically 6 years ago that was basically like a brother to me and I still havent even visited his grave.I just cant do it...I wont even go to other funerals in the same graveyard.

Im of the thought that I`ll deal with it if and when it happens and thats unusual for me since I nearly always have to plan everything.
Its just something I dont deal with too well.

OldGoat

imme wrote: »

You should have a look at www.rip.ie, a good resource. Undertakers are brilliant, as they go through it all the time. It must be terrible to have that feeling of fear that you said you experience thinking that you'll find your mother dead one morning.

I'll look at the site later, thanks.

Hellrazer wrote: »

Im of the thought that I`ll deal with it if and when it happens

'If it happens'?!!? :P
I've been putting this off for years now but it's time for me to take a good long hard look atthings. I can't put it off any longer.

Hellrazer

OldGoat wrote: »

I'll look at the site later, thanks.


'If it happens'?!!? :P
I've been putting this off for years now but it's time for me to take a good long hard look atthings. I can't put it off any longer.

I suppose what I meant by "if it happens" I mean that Im the one that has to deal with and not someone else in the family.Im the oldest so it is going to happen eventually but Im not sure that I could deal with it and will cross that bridge when it happens.

Wibbs

Good link from imme. The undertaker will guide you through the funeral bit. That resource will defo help wth the financial/lega/tax guff. That was the long winded bit for us with my dad. I've no brothers or sisters and my extended family were and are about as much use as tits on a bull so it was mostly down to me. Mates helped too I must say. I did find the various arms of the civil service and insurance companies were really helpful and actually kind in a few cases. You often get support from the most unlikely of sources.

L31mr0d

Have you spoken to your mother about what her wishes are? That would be my first step.

Has you mother ever spoken about what will happen after she's gone or is it a subject that's never broached.

tbh

I think the best thing to do would be to ring the ambulance and let them guide you through it. They'll have dealt with it before, and they'll know that you don't know what to do, so if the gardai need to be notified etc, they'll handle all that. The next step would be to talk to an undertaker and again, they'll take over and let you know what you need to do.

I know what you mean tho, the other day my dad was over helping me with the garden, and we were having a bit of banter back and forth, and I thought "these are the days I'll miss when he's gone". But it made me appreciate the moment all the more.

L31mr0d

tbh wrote: »

"these are the days I'll miss when he's gone". But it made me appreciate the moment all the more.

A few years back I decided I needed to stop treating my relationship with my parents with an air of permanency. There was things that needed to be said and barriers that needed to be broken. We basically got it all out in the open and out of the way.

I now treat every minute with my parents as if it where my last, doing so seems to make all the trivial stuff disappear. If they call me and want to meet up, go for a walk, or have dinner I make the time and change my schedule. Even if it's something awkward to reorganize I always ask myself "If I knew this was going to be the last time I could see them would I say no?". Inevitably I always find a way to spend time with them.

Khannie

The practical bit:
What you should do partly depends on the persons recent state of health. When my dad passed there was no kuffuffle. He'd been terminally ill for a while so we could see it coming. If this is the case, the details are actually a lot easier. No gardai, no ambulance, etc. etc. You just get in touch with your doctor, they do the officials and that's that. The funeral director more or less looks after the rest. They need some input from you (wording of the death notice, etc.), but they'll guide you through everything.

If it's a sudden death, or what you described happens, emergency services (112) is the first call you should make. If you know CPR etc., start doing that or find someone who does know. Even a half assed attempt is probably better than nothing. The general idea is to keep the blood oxygenated and flowing to prevent organ failure (particularly the brain). If you think you'll need it, I'd say it's worth doing a first aid course. I did one and I'm really glad that I have that skill if I ever need it.

When the ambulance (or your local GP, or whoever) gets there, they'll take over of course. In the event that the person can't be revived, they'll pronouce death etc. If the person has not been to the doctor recently a post-mortem will need to be carried out to determine the cause of death. This can delay the funeral a bit, but you'll be advised about it at the time.

Although your brother stepped up to the plate the last time, don't worry about it. It's actually not that bad. The funeral directors are worth their weight in gold. You still get plenty of time to grieve. I find that it's a bit of madness until the funeral has passed anyway and that it's only then that you really get a chance to gather your thoughts.

Great thread by the way. I've worried in the exact same way about my own mum.