What are your reasons for wanting/not wanting children?

Khannie

There are a few interesting things going on in this thread.....

1) There are a disproportionate number of people posting in this thread who do not have and do not want children versus my experience of the populous as a whole. What I've just copped is that the posters in tLL are not representative of the populous as a whole. To be honest, that makes me feel a shed load better. There's a lot of "omg, my life would be ruined" which I just don't get. Mostly because my life hasn't been ruined in the slightest.

2) Nearly all of the reasons that people are putting forward for not wanting children are not based in reality. Not even slightly.

For example:
I got 8 hours sleep last night.
I have a very good sex life (actually, I'm not really sure how children would interfere with that at all???).
I go out when I want to.
You will not be changing nappies for the rest of your life (I haven't changed one in ages!).
There are lots of upsides to being a parent.
Having a baby is not guaranteed to ruin your fanny.
My life is probably more light hearted than most peoples.
I get pissed if I feel like it.
When you see other parents looking exasperated or tired or whatever you're seeing them at their worst. The best happens behind closed doors (and not when you have visitors!).
Life does not end when you have children.
Just because you don't like other peoples kids does not mean you will not enjoy being a parent.
Your life will not be filled with guilt.

Any key?

Khannie wrote: »

There are a few interesting things going on in this thread.....

1) There are a disproportionate number of people posting in this thread who do not have and do not want children versus my experience of the populous as a whole. What I've just copped is that the posters in tLL are not representative of the populous as a whole. To be honest, that makes me feel a shed load better. There's a lot of "omg, my life would be ruined" which I just don't get. Mostly because my life hasn't been ruined in the slightest.

I was surprised by the quantity of women who are certain they never want children. I suppose because I spend most of my week working with kids I just fail to see the negative.

sam34

Khannie wrote: »

Nearly all of the reasons that people are putting forward for not wanting children are not based in reality. Not even slightly.

For example:
I got 8 hours sleep last night.
I have a very good sex life (actually, I'm not really sure how children would interfere with that at all???).
I go out when I want to.
You will not be changing nappies for the rest of your life (I haven't changed one in ages!).
There are lots of upsides to being a parent.
Having a baby is not guaranteed to ruin your fanny.
My life is probably more light hearted than most peoples.
I get pissed if I feel like it.
When you see other parents looking exasperated or tired or whatever you're seeing them at their worst. The best happens behind closed doors (and not when you have visitors!).
Life does not end when you have children.
Just because you don't like other peoples kids does not mean you will not enjoy being a parent.
Your life will not be filled with guilt.

that may be your reality.

but all of it certainly is not the reality of many parents that i do know, and with whom i have discussed matters in detail.

I never wanted kids. I thought the whole idea was awful, the idea of childbirth itself made me wonder why everyone was crazy enough to want it.
I still don't want kids for the sake of them. But since I met my OH, well, mini-version(s) of him in the world would make it a better place. It'd be wonderful! I'm finally starting to understand that kinda thing now.
I like the idea of having a child, helping them learn and grow. But only if it was with him.
Sure, childbirth still sounds awful. But I'm sure I won't care with enough happy gas, and the staff would see it all the time anyway.

I have to say though, I still never understood those who wanted kids just for the sake of it.

Khannie

sam34 wrote: »

that may be your reality.

butall of it certainly is not the reality of many parents that i do know, and with whom i have discussed matters in detail.

True. But....

I'm guessing, but with the best will in the world I would say it's likely that how you phrased the questions you asked is almost certainly based on your own bias or perceptions though. That's only natural.

For example, if you asked me: Can you go out without considering others? The answer is no. Can I got out when I want though? yes.

It's not all joys and smiles. Definitely not. Neither is life before children though.

So....there are positives, and there are negatives, but overall my life is vastly improved by having my children in it and I would wager that most (but not all) parents would say the same if asked. If it were not the case for us we would have stopped with the youngfella who is more or less reared at this stage instead of going on for numbers 2 and 3 who are nearly 3 and nearly 0 respectively.

I should say that I'm only contributing to this thread because of the lack of lady parents in it (compared to the total number of posters) but I might bow out now....(unless there's something directed at me or whatever).

sc9736

hi all

I don't really post but felt I had to with this. I'm 29 married with 3 year old son. A lot of my friends (actually mostly) aren't married with kids, do I feel left out or lose of freedom - No! I have a great career, loads of freedom ( 3 holidays this year, 2 without DS and heading off to Prague tomorrow for weekend with DH)

Life changes, things happen. I think its all easy for everyone to say Fcuk that, no way am I ever having kids. You may or may not in years times think, god I'd love to have children.

I do have to say though, life is 10 times more easier than when my DS was say 6 months old, I do have lot more freedom and doesn't take 1 hour to feed him. BUT watching a life you created develop and have his own personality is like anything out of this world.

I do work part time now but I am going back to work full time next year and yes its stressful job but I feel its time as DS is 3 so I can get on with my life a bit more as well as have family time.

Having a child does not mean you lose out on career, friends social etc and all the physical (you can deal with stetch marks with bio oil and don't eat like mad over preg) things that go with it.....its ok. its hard but its ok - again worth it. Honestly, I found the first 2 months the worst and I got post natal depression, felt ****, useless (think that was because I was used to dealing with lot stuff in work and then your life evolves around feeds, nappys, sleep, washing its total diff story) BUT i'm trying to tell you its worth it!!

thats why I'm trying to get DH to go again but we have decided to wait...and thats for selfish reasons - aka my career is taking priority but I think having my son is the best thing we have ever did....hes our best friend.

I totally respect all your views and decisons on this thread, but really its not that bad!!

S

shellyboo

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

No, I didn't paint the worst case scenario, my humor may be a lot blacker than yours. Anyway the title of the thread is 'what are your reasons for wanting/not waiting children?'
I gave my opinions and if you feel they are the worst case scenario then you have a rude awakening ahead of you Im afraid. I may have employed a little black humor as I said but but the grain of truth is there.

I have a very black sense of humour, but tbh I found your post unnecessarily rude in a thread where people have kids and want kids. I don't have any sort of rude awakening ahead, I'm well aware of what's involved in rearing kids having had a hand in raising my baby brother and copious babysitting. Not the same, I realise, but I've not met one parent ever whose life was ruined by having kids - perhaps I'm living on an alternate reality? Either way, not one of the things you mentioned is guaranteed to happen if you have kids, they're RISKS. You presented it as "this is what life with kids is like"... That's simply untrue.



I'm plenty relaxed, btw, and I'm not bent put of shape... I'm simply disagreeing with you. It is my opinion that your opinion is sensationalist and offensive to those with kids.

The Sweeper

I don't want children. I'm 33 (well, I am in 12 days) and female. I am not maternal, and never have been. I'm not broody. I find myself quite disinterested in small children - I was the youngest by 10 years, raised by adults, educated by adults, and had little or nothing to do with children smaller than me, ever.

The biggest issue is that there is no child-shaped space in my life. There is no hole, no lack of fulfilment, no dreams of bobble-headed babies with big blue eyes. If I wanted to have a child, I would have to make a space, and even then I know the space I made wouldn't be the right shape, and to be honest, with regards my husband, me and our life, the space for a child would probably be wedge-shaped.

As for the life ruined / not ruined argument - it's simple. Your life isn't ruined when you have kids. It simply changes utterly. It's up to you whether or not you feel the kids themselves are reward enough for that change, or whether you resent them for it.

I was a resented (loved, but resented) child. I woudn't do it to another human being.

Fast_Mover

Any key? wrote: »

I was surprised by the quantity of women who are certain they never want children. I suppose because I spend most of my week working with kids I just fail to see the negative.

I too work with kids during the week aswell. I can understand where you are coming from in that you are surprised that so many women never want kids. I mean kids are great..hard work for sure, but small price to pay in order to see them grow/develop personalities/cry for you when they fall/want to be the first person they tell about good news/see them succeed etc!

Now, while before I thought these women who didnt want children were strange/odd/selfish...I'v actually come to admire them. They know that they are too selfish to be a parent. I'v seen too many kids with parents that are selfish and it breaks my heart! These parents perfer to have a social life then to sit with their child and do their homework. They buy them every toy left right and center to occupy them/keep them quiet, while a few minutes of quality time with their mother/father would be of much better benefit/prefer to have..and costs nothing!! How the list is endless...

Bob_Harris

I want someday to have a little small person look up to me and call me daddy.

CathyMoran

Bob_Harris wrote: »

I want someday to have a little small person look up to me and call me daddy.

I want my husband to be a daddy, when I think about having a child myself I well with tears, stupic pregnancy hormones...am petrified but I so hope that our baby is OK.

Larianne

I've never asked myself do I want kids, I've always just thought I'll be having them at some stage of my life. I'm not overly mushy with kids, in fact, some of them scare me but I have always pictured myself married with a few kids, never thought otherwise.

WesternNight

I'd always assumed I'd have children. When I was growing up, it was kind of just a given in that kind of "future vision" I had. In the last few years, being in a long-term relationship, it's something I've given some actual thought to. And I have to say, I don't know.

There's no particular burning desire in me to have children. Having said that, I can't convince myself that I don't want them either. It's one of those things that you don't really know whether you should do or not until you have them, only then it's too late to change your mind, you know? (that's how I feel about it anyway).

At 24, I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure (which I've somehow put on myself, rather than being pressurised by anyone else) to decide one way or the other. I know there's time enough yet and all...but if I were to have children, I don't want to be in my mid-30s before getting pregnant. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not something I'd want for myself.

My partner isn't pushed one way or the other, which kind of doesn't help in my decision. Although at least it leaves both options open all the same.

As I said in the other thread, the idea of pregnancy and childbirth terrifies me. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown, but the fact of the matter is that regardless of which method of childbirth you have, there are risks. I'm not sure that I'd ever want to have children badly enough for me to decide to let myself go through all of it. Then again, maybe in a few years I'll have a completely different outlook on it. I'm keeping myself open to it anyway.

Another thing is that I'm an only child. And if I don't have children, that's it for my family. Which makes me sad. But again, that's probably not the greatest of reasons to have children.

Also, ditto to the responsibility and the loss of freedom and sleep and all the rest of it. I'm sure some people have a great support network to make it possible for those things to not be as much of an issue, but that's not true of everyone.

Right, waffling over.

The Big Red Button

I'm 24 and, while I can definitely see myself having kids someday, it's not a major objective in my life.

I'm engaged but am focussed entirely on my career for the next four years minimum, after that we'll get married, and I certainly don't want to have kids for at least a couple of years after we get married. So taking everything into account, I'll be in my early to mid thirties before I'd plan having a child, and even then I wouldn't unless my husband and I were financially comfortable, with job security, and still as happy together as we are now.

And yeah, when that time comes, we could have fertility issues or whatever and end up not able to have kids. Right now, I don't feel like that would bother me too much, however of course my feelings may change over the next couple of years and if so I'll just have to reassess my priorities.

The reasons I'd want kids are

• I'd be a damn good mammy, as long as I could wait til a time in my life when I could focus on it properly. I hate doing things half-assed, which is why it would be a pretty major disaster if I got knocked up now. But if I did it right, I'm pretty confident I could bring one or two well-rounded, happy, productive, respectable members of society into the world! OK of course no one knows that, there's so much risk involved, but I'd like to think we'd be giving our child a good childhood and every chance to do well in life.
• Both my fiance and I are very close to our families ... not in a ghey telling-each-other-everything, constant-hugs-and-kisses kind of way ... but we both had very happy childhoods and still get on really really well with all of them. I suppose when you grow up with that sense of family, you kind of want to recreate it in your own life.
• Kids are fun. I get on with kids, I'm good with them, they like me too. Also being one of the older members of a large family, I suppose being "maternal" comes a bit naturally to me.

The reasons I wouldn't want kids are, firstly, the whole birth thing does freak me out a lot. But it's not something that would stop me from doing it if I wanted to. Secondly, I do think it's a bit odd that I don't feel any overwhelming urge or "need" to have kids, at least not right now ... but maybe that will come in time.

As for the loss of freedom etc, I could live with that so long as I can wait til a time of my choosing to have a child. I must admit, if I were to get pregnant now and keep the child, I would really, really resent it. I wouldn't want to, but I don't see how I couldn't resent it. I've always said that if I had an unplanned pregnancy I'd give the child for adoption - there are plenty of loving parents out there that would love a child - and I can't see myself changing my mind about that anytime soon.

almostnever

sam34 wrote: »

i have never wanted to have kids, and i absolutely cannot see that changing.

there are many reasons for this, some of which may seem superficial and trivial, but collectively they make sense to me.

firstly, i just dont want them, being a mother has never appealed to me.

i dont really like kids, i find them irritating, demanding, time-consuming and noisy.

i dont want the responsibility of having them, thats a life-long commitment - no thanks. my parents (mid 70's still worry about me and all my siblings, depite the fact that we are all happy, in good jobs and healthy)

i'm quite an independent person, i value my own space and time, and i do not want to share that with others.

i like my freedom, i like being able to decide to do something/go somewhere on a whim and not have to take other people into consideration.

i have watched my 7 siblings become parents, and i have seen their lives change utterly, and, imo, not for the better. i can honestly say ive never once looked at any of them and envied them.

i have quite a serious and responsible job, so when i get home i like to kick back and be more light hearted and irresponsible (for want of a better word)

i highly value the integrity of my pelvic floor muscles

i can find nothing about having children that would outweigh the things ive listed above.


it disgusts me that others can be so patronising and say "oh you'll change".
just because they wanted kids, and that was teh right decision for tehm, does not mean the same will apply to me.

i made a decision at 17 regarding teh career i wanted in life, people respected that.
in my mid twenties i made a decision to turn down a marriage proposal, people respected that decision.
why can they then not respect teh decision i have made regarding having kids.

i was recently diagnosed with a condition which means i would have difficulty conceiving, the gynaecologist was trying to be gentle when breaking this news to me, but i was practically cartwheeling with delight. while i am religious about contraception, teh knowledge that a pregnancy is very unlikely to happen accidentally is hugely reassuring to me (the gynae was a bit taken aback when i explained this!)

the idea that a woman should have kids "while she can" even if she doesnt want them, just in case she changes her mind when its too late, is unfathomable to me.

why would someone do something they feel strongly opposed to, just because they may one day regret not doing so?? i think to do so would be a huge disservice to the woman herself and to her children.

so many people have kids because thats the done thing, its what most people do, or they get pregnant accidentally. while anyone can get unlucky, theres a failure rate with all contraceptives, i think having kids just because its what most others do is ridiculous.

for similar reasons, i would never get seriously involved with a man who had kids.

i simply do not want children in my life. its a deal-breaker for me.

Excellent post that basically mirrors my own reasons for not wanting to have kids.
I also agree with how patronising it is when people tell you that you will want to have children. It's not an inevitability by any means. My mother looks at me like it's totally unnatural not to want to have children.
I do not like children. I don't fawn over them or coo over them for hours straight. It just isn't my thing. I know my own mind better than anyone else does,and for that reason I find it insulting when people try to tell me that I will eventually want to have children.

I like this thread It made me feel a lot better about my decision-everybody I know makes me feel like I'm totally heartless and abnormal.

ebmma

I don't want kids in general.

I want them with my husband though. He's the coolest, most wonderful person I ever known and there should be more of him (even partially). He told me he feels something similar about me.

Also, ever saw a some awful excuse for a human being on a bus with a brood of dirty, loud, foul-mouthed little sh!ts? Well sometimes I look at this and think - wow, these are the people who produce most children. This IS the future. I should dilute this with some half-decent kids coz however much I get it wrong I can't imagine I'll be as bad.

I'm 23 and having my 1st kid (planned). Reasons? I realised I will have kids now or probably not have them at all. I want to be a young parent, so when they move out I am young enough to enjoy the time with my husband. I don't want to be 40 and pregnant.
I know you can have a difficult pregnancy at any age, but it is just more likely when you are older.

I want my pregnancy to NOT be a a big deal and I'm succeeding at this so far.

Also I think I'll enjoy 4+ age when they stop ****ting themselves and turn into more interesting human beings


edit: forgot another one: CURIOSITY. I'm an only child with 1 cousin. Never held a baby in my life. So I just want to see what the whole parenting lark is like. I guess if I came from a large family I would have stisfied my curiosity by now without kids of my own

MizzLolly

I'm 20 and I can't wait to have children. For as far back as I can remember I've always wanted them. Obviously, I'm a bit young for them now and I'm not in a committed relationship or in a secure financial situation but there's no way in hell that I'd regret having a baby, even if it was to happen this year. (Obviously I'd prefer if it didn't but I deffo wouldn't taking this ''OMG my life is ruined'' attitude)

While I read and respect most of the reasons posted here against having kids, none of them look like real problems to me. When I read them I find them hard to understand because while I know that with babies comes a lot of worry and stress, I reckon the love and pride you feel as a parent must be enough to shove all of that other stuff away. The sleepless nights, the stretch marks, the labour pains etc don't phase me in the slightest. I reckon it's well worth it.


Also I find the general tone of the thread quite bitchy (as in the natural birth thread) so I should point out now that while I don't see the reasons expressed here against having kids as being particularly valid, I realise that equally some people don't understand my reason's for wanting them. Which is just fine!

WesternNight

MizzLolly wrote: »

Also I find the general tone of the thread quite bitchy (as in the natural birth thread) so I should point out now that while I don't see the reasons expressed here against having kids as being particularly valid, I realise that equally some people don't understand my reason's for wanting them. Which is just fine!

The great thing is that it only has to be valid for the person giving the reason. Doesn't matter if you don't understand others' reasons or if they don't understand yours

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

MizzLolly

WesternNight wrote: »

The great thing is that it only has to be valid for the person giving the reason. Doesn't matter if you don't understand others' reasons or if they don't understand yours

Which is exactly what I posted.

Bubblefett

Bob_Harris wrote: »

I want someday to have a little small person look up to me and call me daddy.

Thats so sweet!!

I want kids, but not for a long long time- When i have them i want to have a house for them to grow up in and a steady job so i can afford to get them anything they want. But it really is important to me.

Both my older sisters got engaged at 21 and had their first child at 22/23 (one had one more 2 years later, the other had two more over the space of 5 years). They're both so happy and their children are amazing and i love them to bits, but it has been hard on them (e.g financially) because they started their families as they came straight out of college. But i know they regret nothing and i'm so proud of them for everything they do for their children!

I just want to make sure i can offer my children the best life possible. It'll still be hard but the good moments will make it worth it. I'm really looking forward to the day i get to be a mom, but I'm not going to rush into it

Novella

I always kind of assumed I'd have children someday. I got a Baby Born doll for Christmas one year and I was completely and utterly obsessed with it. I brought it everywhere with me. People used to remark how attached to it I was. I guess I sort of always thought that "little girls" had Baby Born's but when I was a "big girl" I'd have a real baby! Maybe that is kinda twisted?!

I never thought to myself, "Do I want children?", "Do I not want children?". When I pictured myself in the future, kids were always part and parcel of that. I have no idea why. Some people want to be doctors, some people want to be superstars, I always wanted to be a mammy.

When I was seventeen, I fell pregnant. Myself and my boyfriend at the time were pretty careless with contraception. It wasn't so much that we were planning on having a baby then, we just didn't have anything else going on in our lives to interrupt so it didn't seem like a big deal. We'd both dropped out of college and looking back on it now, we were both young and naive.

I knew days before I took that test that I was pregnant. I couldn't face the water in the shower anymore 'cause it hurt my boobs and that had never happened to me before. I didn't even wait 'til I'd missed my period. The day before it was due, I took a test and even though I KNEW it was going to be positive, the feeling of absolute shock and terror was overwhelming.

Shock subsides though and from the whole twenty years I've been alive, the times I remember most clearly are the weeks that followed. It's indescribable the feeling you have, knowing that inside you there is a little part of you and a little part of someone else, growing into a little person. Your little person.

Even though I was seventeen and silly and jobless and a million other things, I've never regretted one second of that pregnancy. It taught me about love. Before falling pregnant, I 'loved' everyone and everything!! Being pregnant, I loved only one thing, one person. I always thought love was just a word, a nice word but it isn't really. It's a huge feeling, an energy you just don't wanna be without anymore once you have it. Love is not a because, it's a no matter what.

So I guess I wanted children simply because not wanting them (or one) never even crossed my mind. After having a miscarriage though, I'm scared. When you make a baby, you take a piece of yourself, a piece of yourself and set it separate and apart. It can exist all by itself and protecting it becomes your only want. The horrifying thing though is that sometimes, there is just nothing you can do.

However, as my own mam said to me, "Being a mother is the highest salaried job. The payment is pure love.". So maybe someday I'll try again.

Whispered

MizzLolly wrote: »

I don't see the reasons expressed here against having kids as being particularly valid, I realise that equally some people don't understand my reason's for wanting them.

Thats the thing, there are loads of reasons here for having kids, obviously very very heart felt reasons and emotional reasons, rational reasons (some not so rational reasons :P) usual reasons, unusual reasons. Basicially, many many valid reasons. And not one of them struck a chord with me or made me think "oh yeah, maybe I do want them....". Maybe some people are born with a maternal or paternal instinct and some aren't?

having kids changes your life, totally changes it for good or bad, I don't know. But I think not having the need or the urge to have kids, is reason enough not to have them.

rainbow kirby

25, and I have no intention of having children. Never have (even when I was younger, I always wanted to play with toy cars instead of baby dolls), and I honestly can't see that changing. I don't think I'm the kind of person who'd be a good parent, and the thought of going through a pregnancy and giving birth freaks me out so much.

Cookie Jar

Growing up I always loved kids... I always just wanted to be a mother.

I was with in a relationship of 1 year, just finished 2nd of year of college, working 2 part time jobs and living at home.

Three months of no period, 4 positive pregnancy tests and less 2stone due to morning sickness I began to accept that I was pregnant.

I was scared, I was excited, I was anxious, I was ashamed. I was a lot of things.

6 months later I had a beautiful baby girl, dropped out of college, quit work, broke up my boyfriend.

I am now a 21 year old single parent, working part time, living with parents and planning on returning to college next year.

I love kids, I have brought a lovely little girl into this world and I will do anything for her.
She depends on me for everything and I will do whatever it takes to give her the best.

It was not the right time for me to have a baby, I would have liked to be finished college and moved out of home but what can you do.

SeekUp

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

2. The responsibility. Nowadays you can't just pop them out and send them to school and tell them to do as they're told and kick them out to work at 17. All kinds of pony/ballet/music lessons have to be provided to even the dullest and most average of kids. Then every kid expects that college is a right after school and hasn't a notion of paying their own way, so you don't get rid of them at 17, in fact they begin to demand the really big bucks then. Kids are expected to be very pampered and dependant now which I wouldn't have much patience with.

3. Discipline methods now. Kids are spoilt beyond belief now, allowed to run riot around in public places without being corrected. I dislike the modern idea that the whole world is a creche and everyone is collectively responsible for the rugrats that litter the ground. Parents -if you bear em you rear em. That means if they are blocking an adult you remove them and another thing teach them manners! I wouldn't be up to the job myself to be honest!

You don't want kids? Cool. But kids - people - aren't inherently like this. They learn a sense of entitlement, they learn that they can behave however they want if they're not corrected. These two reasons are just the result of poor parenting.

ebmma wrote: »

Also, ever saw a some awful excuse for a human being on a bus with a brood of dirty, loud, foul-mouthed little sh!ts? Well sometimes I look at this and think - wow, these are the people who produce most children. This IS the future. I should dilute this with some half-decent kids coz however much I get it wrong I can't imagine I'll be as bad.

Then you get parents like this, who actually want their children to behave like human beings.

banshee_bones

Khannie wrote: »

So here's what I like about having kids:

Life's more fun. We have a great laugh. At dinner. At breakfast. During the day. Kids make life fun. The things they say, the way they look at life, going to feed the ducks, going to the playground, going to the beach. Fun!

There's a lot of love in our house. I get 3 hugs and 3 kisses on my way out the door. When I get home I get excited faces looking at me.

The hard part is really the first 2 years. After that kids get progressively more self-sufficient (this is both their desire and yours). Beyond 4 (ish) they get up themselves in the morning and come in for a snuggle or make their own cereal and turn on the TV to watch whatever cartoons are on. But, during that first 2 years you get this really powerful sense of being a carer and it's great.

The bond you have with your child is incredible.

For me, if I'm honest, the desire to reproduce is very base. It's partly an urge. I can't justify urges, nor would I try to.

There are a hundred other things that I really like about being a dad. We have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way. The 3rd will probably not be our last! :eek:

Lastly, I've had friends who weren't interested in having kids in their 20s. In fact, one who springs to mind was vehemently against having them. Then she met the guy who she married and her perception changed over time. All I'd say to you is: Don't back yourself into a corner. Some people aren't suited to having children, sure, but I think that number is smaller than the number who don't want them in their 20's.

Wow Khannie....you...uhhh...almost had me converted there!

Khannie

banshee_bones wrote: »

Wow Khannie....you...uhhh...almost had me converted there!

Hahaha. Big smile going on over here. I've actually been thinking about this thread quite a bit over the last day or so. Any time there's a laugh going on in the house it pops into my head. It mad. We laugh a lot!

skywards

I would be terrified my children would be nuts. My mothers favourite insult whenever I'd done something stupid was "I HOPE YOU HAVE EIGHT CHILDREN JUST LIKE YOU" O.O

maameeo

hey guys, im probly gona be the strangest reply, i am a mother and i dont want anymore more kids, and at the moment i dont think ill change my mind on that.
i got pregnant at 18, i was still in school myself (and i know, its my own fault)
the pregnancy was awful, people staring at me, the constant back pain, i gained stones! the birth was just as bad, bout 12 hours of labour and finally had to have an emergency c-section, on my own (my mam was with me but she wasnt allowed in to the operating room) it was all so very scary.

the pain afterwards from the operation and all that goes with it was awful, especially when you have a lil baby to look after.
so tired, so alone... depression kicks in.

I'm a single mom, my lil girl is 7 now, shes awesome and iv gone through 5yrs of college and have a job from it.

I love her of course but i dont want to do it again. because....

a) it was so hard, especially being alone (it may be different with a partner but as i didnt have that so i cant see how)

b) freedom, yes i get to go out, maybe once a week, but it needs to be planned. when she was a baby it was once every few weeks/months. goin away for the weekend with the girls wud usually be a no no (now that shes older its slightly easier)

c) patience, something i didnt think i had a problem with till i became a mother, i have very little patience, which can be tough when dealing with children!

d) iv done it, i dont see why i should feel the urge to do it again. im happy with just me and my wee girl!

oh and just so you know, the giving birth thing terrified me, like seriously, more than anything else i DID NOT want to open my legs to a room full of people. i cried my eyes out about it up until the last min and then... the pain... and you dont give a flying **** about anything. so if thats your main worry, dont worried about it

sam34

Khannie wrote: »

Hahaha. Big smile going on over here. I've actually been thinking about this thread quite a bit over the last day or so. Any time there's a laugh going on in the house it pops into my head. It mad. We laugh a lot!

emmm, guess what?

i laugh a lot too.

while i don't have children or a long term partner, my life is nonetheless full of love and happiness and laughter.

princess-lala

Ive never thought about not having them, always assumed I would, but when I found out 4 years ago I might need help having them I just said ok Ill cross that bridge when I come to it.

My brother and his OH became parents at 17 - both went on to finish school and get good jobs that they love.

But looking at my niece now - shes 4 and just started big school, she is so well mannered and friendly, cheeky and smart. Seeing her grow just makes me want my own.

Only problem is I need a sperm donor

Khannie

sam34 wrote: »

emmm, guess what?

i laugh a lot too.

while i don't have children or a long term partner, my life is nonetheless full of love and happiness and laughter.

Oh gawd....like I was implying that you can't have love and happiness and laughter without children. :rolleyes:

sam34

Khannie wrote: »

Oh gawd....like I was implying that you can't have love and happiness and laughter without children. :rolleyes:

no, what your post seemed to be emphasising was the bundle of laughter you have in your home with your kids...fair enough, and good for you.

i just pointed out that the childfree among us can have bundles of laughter too.

Madame Razz

I'll agree that there is the slightest element of sanctimony towards those who don't have/ want children in this thread.

Everybodies decisions should be respected here; there isn't any right or wrong; it's a matter of personal choice so live and let live and accept that all lives irrespective of kids or none most likely, at least at some point have happiness, love, and laughter regardless.

Khannie

sam34 wrote: »

i just pointed out that the childfree among us can have bundles of laughter too.

Sure I'm well aware of that. I've spent most of my life not being a parent. I think you misinterpreted my post as some kind of commentary that it wasn't.

sam34

Khannie wrote: »

Sure I'm well aware of that. I've spent most of my life not being a parent. I think you misinterpreted my post as some kind of commentary that it wasn't.

maybe i did, and if so, apologies

Khannie

Fair play.

The Sweeper

Madame Razz wrote: »

I'll agree that there is the slightest element of sanctimony towards those who don't have/ want children in this thread.

Everybodies decisions should be respected here; there isn't any right or wrong; it's a matter of personal choice so live and let live and accept that all lives irrespective of kids or none most likely, at least at some point have happiness, love, and laughter regardless.

I actually think that this thread is full of quite reasonable exchanges compared to what it could be like!

The biggest irritation to me on this subject is people who assume that my opinion is invalid specifically because I don't want kids. For example, they may say my reservations are groundless fears, because I've got no kids and don't have a clue what I'm on about.

It irritates me because it rubs both ways, yet they don't see that.

I mean, are you me? Are you 33 years old and not maternal? Have you had my life experience? Can you apply your experience of my experiences to your own life and see if your opinion changes? No?

Well then accept, it's not that I don't want children because I don't have a clue. I don't want children because I know myself, and my husband, and our lives, and our life histories; I know our situation and our abilities; I know our patience thresholds, and I'm able to apply my intricate knowledge of my own life to the hypothetical situation of "If we had kids".

The result: not a good one.

And no, by the way, I won't "Maybe change my mind when I get older" - and why do you use that in the same tone as "Maybe when you grow up, you'll come to your senses"?

Slugs

And no, by the way, I won't "Maybe change my mind when I get older" - and why do you use that in the same tone as "Maybe when you grow up, you'll come to your senses"?

Because you're making their lives uncomfortable. As far as their life and moral values are concerned, you meet someone, you get married, you have kids, you die. That's the way it's always been for them. Now you've got single parents, now you've got families who don't want kids. It's always the same people that make these comments, the same insecure people that (I'm not saying all) are trying to justify their decision to have kids, not just to you, but to themselves. And of course when they talk to you, and you let your decision be known to them, they immediatly go into mental overload. It's funny sometimes the "shock" that appears on their face :P ^^ again that's some not all

megapixel

Thank god i'm not the only one out there thats not interested in having kids.

I'm not of the opinion "never ever having kids" i'm just not pushed either way.
I'm in a happy commited relationship with a man i adore and i don't see anything missing from that.

Fair play to people who want to have kids, i just hate people saying "oh you'll change your mind" , "whats wrong with you?" and "that will change when you get married".

I'm brilliant with kids but i love handing them back and heading back to my life.

ebmma

The Sweeper wrote: »

And no, by the way, I won't "Maybe change my mind when I get older" - and why do you use that in the same tone as "Maybe when you grow up, you'll come to your senses"?

another good one is 'when you will have kids, you'll understand'. Usually said when people do something incredibly irritating or unreasonable :rolleyes:

problem with all this is you can't exactly try having kids and then decide it's not for you and quit (like with most other 'activities' in life)..My view on this is it is better not to have them than to have them and regret it.

mossieh

ebmma wrote: »

another good one is 'when you will have kids, you'll understand'. Usually said when people do something incredibly irritating or unreasonable :rolleyes:

problem with all this is you can't exactly try having kids and then decide it's not for you and quit (like with most other 'activities' in life)..My view on this is it is better not to have them than to have them and regret it.

That's always the problem with a debate like this, only one side have first-hand experience of life both with and without children. It's always going to be hard for the parents not to come across as smug and the non-parents to not come across as self-indulgent.
All I will add is this:
Someone else here touched on it but to be more explicit, there are so mny piss-poor parents out there, raising ****ed-up, selfish little bastards, that if you are in any way sound at all, you have a responsibility to breed, if only to avoid the planet ending up 90% populated by arseholes

neuro-praxis

I don't have an opinion on whether or not couples "should" have kids. And I certainly understand the deep desire to have them or in fact not.

However thinking about the future. When you're sixty, seventy, eighty, wouldn't you like a bustling family nearby?

ebmma

neuro-praxis wrote: »

However thinking about the future. When you're sixty, seventy, eighty, wouldn't you like a bustling family nearby?

some people prefer friends 'it's the family we choose for ourselves'

neuro-praxis

ebmma wrote: »

some people prefer friends 'it's the family we choose for ourselves'

Most elderly people don't have great social lives, as their friends are usually with their families at important times.

ebmma

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Most elderly people don't have great social lives, as their friends are usually with their families at important times.

I still think it is a matter of personal preference.
Some elderly people manage to live quite active social life - in their community, being active in church, residence associations whatever. I think it depends on the type of person you are. You can enjoy retirement and keep your friends and hobbies, or you can sit at home and mope that those nasty kids of yours always have something better to do
And get off my lawn!!!

midlandsmissus

ebmma wrote: »

some people prefer friends 'it's the family we choose for ourselves'

My mum used to be a manager in an old people's home, and there are ALOT of very solitary and lonely elderly people. Most of their good friends had died. When you get to that age and can barely do anything for yourself, I think it is only your family who really stick by you.


I definitely want to have children, simply because it will be more people to love!

ebmma

midlandsmissus wrote: »

My mum used to be a manager in an old people's home, and there are ALOT of very solitary and lonely elderly people. Most of their good friends had died. When you get to that age and can barely do anything for yourself, I think it is only your family who really stick by you.


I definitely want to have children, simply because it will be more people to love!

I get what you mean, but I just don't think that having kids so you are less bored when you are old is a very good reason...

Actually, being old and possibly needing care is why I want to have kids young and will never just have an only child.

Khannie

The Sweeper wrote: »

For example, they may say my reservations are groundless fears, because I've got no kids and don't have a clue what I'm on about.

I'm guessing that's aimed at me, before I respond, is it?