What are your reasons for wanting/not wanting children?

Demonique

Fast_Mover wrote: »

Now, while before I thought these women who didnt want children were strange/odd/selfish...I'v actually come to admire them. They know that they are too selfish to be a parent.

There's NOTHING strange, odd or selfish about not wanting to have children.

bronte

Demonique wrote: »

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/11/my_bits_fell_out_vaginal_prolapse.php



It'd be a deal breaker for me. I don't want kids. He'll either have to accept that or hit the road.

:eek: That made me cross my legs a little!

Demonique

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I don't have an opinion on whether or not couples "should" have kids. And I certainly understand the deep desire to have them or in fact not.

However thinking about the future. When you're sixty, seventy, eighty, wouldn't you like a bustling family nearby?

There's no guarantee that your children will live near you when you grow old. Some of them even dump their parents into nursing homes and never visit them.

Demonique

sam34 wrote: »

what i have often seen happening is that the children are the model offspring, have the elderly parents living with them, everything going swimmingly well, until teh parent decides to sign over teh house/farm to the son/daughter.

shortly afterwards, the parent finds themselves in a nursing home.

it's despicable behaviour imo.

Some of those elderly people bring it on themselves. One such 'lady' was despised by all her children due to the emotional abuse she subjected them too well into their adult lives.
I was on the receiving end of a couple of nasty jibes from her as a teenager when I visited her house (one of the daughter's is a friend of mine).
Her (undiagnosed at the time) Asperger's son also received numerous visits from the wooden spoon on top of the emotional abuse his siblings got.

She got what she deserved IMO

K-9

arac wrote: »

My concerns about having kids are not particularly the loss of freedom, or the childbirth (think I could overcome the trauma eventually)..it would be my worry about them as people, down the line..I mean the world is a tough place! I would be worried they would be vulnerable, depressed, bullied, suicidal, that they would have their heart broken, would struggle just in general with life...a whole myriad of pscychological and pscyhiatric possiblities often seize me with terror..I mean not everyone sails through life, without a hitch, it's a bit of a battle to some of us..

Have to say as a father to a son who is on the verge of the teenage years, in a way those are the most exciting times ahead. The babies and toddler stages are cute and great fun but as and from they start school the real worrying about how they get on in the world starts.

I'm worried how he'll get on in secondary school etc. Still, I think those years are more exciting as you can be role models to them when they encounter problems and they will. How I and he deals with them and comes out the other side is intriguing.

I was young when he was born, his mother was 19. We split up a few years later, people change and all that. I went from being more involved in his life than his Mom to at one stage not seeing him for a period of about 7/8 months in 2 years. Stopped by the Mother unfortunately.

That period was the lowest and worst period in my life so far. They really do become the most important thing in life when they arrive and not seeing them for that time reminds you how important they are. Material and even work things just aren't that important when things like that happen.


Anyway, I'm a Dad and I know this really isn't a Dad thread but just wanted to point the worries and pitfalls can be exciting, intriguing and challenging. Things often don't work out like you planned and I was never great with kids before but overall I wouldn't change anything.

banshee_bones

Demonique wrote: »

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/11/my_bits_fell_out_vaginal_prolapse.php

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:


Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

There.Are.NO.Words.


/Shudder

Notorious

I know you're not really looking for the male opinion here, but I think I've a lot of experience in dealing with kids. I've three young sisters; my twin sisters were born when I was 13 and my kid sister was born when I was 15. So I was/am able to witness first hand the ups and downs of a child growing up and its all fresh in my memory. Naturally since I was the older brother I also became the babysitter by default. So I was actively involved in bringing them up.

Some of my friends (female), think having a little baby would be great, they're so cute and innocent etc. As a guy I don't think I want to have kids. Granted my opinion could change over time, but right now it's not happening.

IMO kids can be absolute hell. Maybe it was worse because there was a time when we would have had 3 screaming babies in the house, but being woken up multiple times in the middle of the night by a screaming child is not fun - and I wouldn't even be the one who'd have to get out of bed. There was times where one of my sisters would wake up and trigger a chain reaction resulting in everyone being awake. As a parent, your social life would really take a turn to either being strongly restricted or to being non-existant. Mine ended up being restricted a lot through chores, babysitting and what not, and I was only a brother.

I know two 'young' families. A friend of mine had his son when he was in sixth year (he's now 21), and his girlfriend was in the year below him. I find he always complained about having to look after the baby but IMO he has it easy, as the grandparents do all the work and most of the looking after of the child. The other family I know had it much harder, both parents trying their best to juggle a career and a family. The dad in that family generally only goes properly out with his mates once a year.

Of course children aren't all bad. There's lots of positives, though very few I can think of offhand...

I'd definitely prefer to keep my current social life going and to be able to make decisions without having to be influenced by the needs of a child.

Sorry for the mess of a post, but thats my 2c.

K-9

Notorious wrote: »

I'd definitely prefer to keep my current social life going and to be able to make decisions without having to be influenced by the needs of a child.

Sorry for the mess of a post, but thats my 2c.

Ah, that's it in a nutshell.

Your social life becomes secondary to the needs of the child. It isn't a brotherly/sisterly love, it becomes a parental love. Totally different.

I can see why some see not wanting a child as selfish, as pointed out by people who don't want kids. Funnily enough one selfishness replaces another as you become selfish about your child!

Notorious

I actually meant to say something along the lines of that. I'd say if you were a parent your feelings would be completely different; you'd put your child's needs first, and would be more than happy to do so.

xcarriex

I was the same i never ever wanted kids,

Im 22, im with himself a handful of months, last week i found out i was pregnant, i was on the pill and using condoms, and im still baffeld, but i have come to accept it, and now the feeling of a person inside me is just fantastic, for a few days i was on the way to england but then i dunno i just changed maybe hormones maybe something else, but all of a sudden my nights out werent the thing, im thinking about nights in and all the stuff that comes with it, im yet to even tell my parents haha, but fingers crossed it all goes well,

Never say never OP

WesternNight

xcarriex wrote: »

I was the same i never ever wanted kids,

Im 22, im with himself a handful of months, last week i found out i was pregnant, i was on the pill and using condoms, and im still baffeld, but i have come to accept it, and now the feeling of a person inside me is just fantastic, for a few days i was on the way to england but then i dunno i just changed maybe hormones maybe something else, but all of a sudden my nights out werent the thing, im thinking about nights in and all the stuff that comes with it, im yet to even tell my parents haha, but fingers crossed it all goes well,

Wow, good luck with it all!

eviltwin

A good friend of mine has made a decision not to have kids. Her partner feels the same. My sister also has decided that she never wants children.

I'm all for freedom of choice and I dont think anyone should have a child unless they know they can give it the love and attention it needs but as a mum myself I have to admit a small part of me does find it strange when someone makes such a final choice like that. But each to his or her own.

Even now I'm still not a big "child" person...I dont really have much interest in anyone else's but I guess when its your own its different.

Kids dont stop you having a life. I still go out, my husband and I still do the kind of thing our childless friends do. Granted my sister would be out pretty much every night of the week but surely there comes a time when doing that gets boring?

Childbirth? Well I can think of a million things I would rather do but you know its not that bad. There are things called epidurals you know. I was in labour for 12 hours with my daughter - I spent most of that sleeping

I couldnt imagine my life without my family. I have one 12 year old and am expecting number 2 any day now and honestly even though we have both had to sacrifice a hell of a lot to have her ( I was in my teens and he was in his early 20's when she was born ) I wouldnt change a single second of it. We still find ourselves looking at her in wonder sometimes that we created something so amazing.

When I look back on the last 12 years its not my nights out or my designer handbags that make me smile. Its holding my daughter for the first time, hearing her call me mummy, seeing her face when santa came on christmas morning, teaching her things, seeing the wonder of the world in her eyes..thats whats important. She's made my life complete and I cant wait to start the whole wonderful rollercoaster again with my new baby.

xcarriex

WesternNight wrote: »

Wow, good luck with it all!

Thanks,

I told my best friend and she was like wow can you see how huge this is and i can and its going to be a tough few years, if you had of asked me this a few months ago my blood would have run cold,

As another poster said each to there own, and i agree some situations do require them decisions, but from my experience, i cant see them been carried out based on the its an inconvenient time etc, life throws us all lemons, its how we use them thats important

lisao80

@carrie ..congrats , hope it all works out well for you.

well i never wanted kids, EVER i had no interest in kids, didnt get why people get all cooey over them(still dont tbh, i like my own kid have no time for anyone elses).. but like carrie,i found myself preg even tho i was on the pill. i know have a 2.5 yr old boy who i love to bits but if i were to turn back time im not so sure id go thru with having him tbh.
When i found out i was preg , i was booking the first flight to england, but after alot of persuasion from my OH decided to go thru with it. i had a very straight forward 9 months, no sickness or anything, very simple birth all over and done with in 30 mins.
I found it very hard to cope with the not goin out and having my own life after he was born tho.. especially when the novelty wore off for my OH and he went out whenever he wanted and didnt care what i did. Now in fairness to my mam and family they did babysit whenever they could.
In may this year myself and my sons dad finally decided to call it a day after months of rows and not getting on, he was very good with coming to see our son and having him for the first few months..UNTIL friday night i get a call off him to say he id off to Dublin ( where he is orginally from), when i asked when he was coming back he informed me he doesnt plan on it. :eek: i was shocked to say the least, asked him wat about our son and he says ''iv had enough im not coming back to cork i dont care what ye do'' and hangs up the phone. not a word since.:mad:( and yes i know its only sunday but i also know him and if he didnt mean it he would have been on the phone by now)
anyway point of my story is.. unless YOU are sure you want to have a child DO NOT go ahead with it, i only had this baby for my ex really and now im the one left holding him.My little fella wants and needs for nothing i do everything in my power to provide for him, but sometime i do wish i was buying the lastest jimmy choos rather then milk and nappied for him.
I defo have no intentions of having another child ever!!

Lollymcd

lisao80 wrote: »

@carrie ..congrats , hope it all works out well for you.

well i never wanted kids, EVER i had no interest in kids, didnt get why people get all cooey over them(still dont tbh, i like my own kid have no time for anyone elses).. but like carrie,i found myself preg even tho i was on the pill. i know have a 2.5 yr old boy who i love to bits but if i were to turn back time im not so sure id go thru with having him tbh.
When i found out i was preg , i was booking the first flight to england, but after alot of persuasion from my OH decided to go thru with it. i had a very straight forward 9 months, no sickness or anything, very simple birth all over and done with in 30 mins.
I found it very hard to cope with the not goin out and having my own life after he was born tho.. especially when the novelty wore off for my OH and he went out whenever he wanted and didnt care what i did. Now in fairness to my mam and family they did babysit whenever they could.
In may this year myself and my sons dad finally decided to call it a day after months of rows and not getting on, he was very good with coming to see our son and having him for the first few months..UNTIL friday night i get a call off him to say he id off to Dublin ( where he is orginally from), when i asked when he was coming back he informed me he doesnt plan on it. :eek: i was shocked to say the least, asked him wat about our son and he says ''iv had enough im not coming back to cork i dont care what ye do'' and hangs up the phone. not a word since.:mad:( and yes i know its only sunday but i also know him and if he didnt mean it he would have been on the phone by now)
anyway point of my story is.. unless YOU are sure you want to have a child DO NOT go ahead with it, i only had this baby for my ex really and now im the one left holding him.My little fella wants and needs for nothing i do everything in my power to provide for him, but sometime i do wish i was buying the lastest jimmy choos rather then milk and nappied for him.
I defo have no intentions of having another child ever!!

Thank you for your honesty, I imagine there are not a lot of moms out there who could say what you've said. Fair play.

A lot of people have mentioned how defensive the "no children" camp are, I guess that's a result of being continually derided about their decision and told things like "you'll grow out of it", "wait until you have your own" or "wait until you meet the right man" As a childfree person I try not to let these things get to me but I have to admit that I have on occasion gotten defensive when pushed into a corner and made to defend my decision.

I'm an intelligent 31 year old, I know my own mind as much as any other person.

I promise I will never question someone else’s decision to have a child. I think I should be afforded the same respect.

I think people just don’t understand how unkind they are being by questioning childfree people in the way they do. Imagine if I asked a woman who just found out she was pregnant if she was doing the right thing?!?!?! It would be totally lacking in respect..

I agree. I think it is insufferably rude to question someone elses on this subject.

Family is important to me. The happiness in my life comes from the people around me. As a result I've always wanted children.
I'm not prepared to make relationship sacrifices to make that happen though.
Family has always been my Dad's top priority, he would walk over hot coals for me. I don't want to be a parent, unless I'm in a relationship. With someone who has the potential to be that kind of parent and partner.

sam34

eviltwin wrote: »

When I look back on the last 12 years its not my nights out or my designer handbags that make me smile. Its holding my daughter for the first time, hearing her call me mummy, seeing her face when santa came on christmas morning, teaching her things, seeing the wonder of the world in her eyes..thats whats important. She's made my life complete.

jesus h christ, just read this post now.

it is incredibly rude and condescending, not to mention ignorant, to assume that those who are childfree have only nights out and designer handbags to treasure, and have nothing else important in their lives, and somehow have incomplete lives.

i am childfree, yet my life is full of laughter, happiness and love. designer handbags? no thanks, i dont own a single one, and never will.

Turty3

I was delighted to see a thread where women who are childless by choice are talking openly about their reasons, feelings etc - well done liah!

I am in my mid-thirties and have no children. I don't have any urge or desire to bring a child into the world and it's not something I'm sorry about. I'm married and have discussed the subject at length with my OH but we are both of the same mind.

What gets my blood boiling is people asking "when are you going to have kids"? or "how come you've no kids"? when they are not close friends - it's so rude to assume that every married woman wants children or should have children.

PhysiologyRocks

I like children, but just so many things can go wrong! If I had children, I'd worry more than would be healthy
.
I might have kids someday. Right now, it looks unlikely.

Firstly, the child could health problems, both mental and physical. I wouldn't want to see him/her suffer.

Something could happen to me, or to the child.

There are tragedies, such as car crashes. There are some very bad people in the world. Bad things can happen to good people. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be alive. I just don't want to expose an innocent child to all the dangers.

What if the child were to be bullied? What if my child was the bully? Take that further... what if my child were a crime victim... or a criminal?

It happens to everyone. Friendships and relationships come to an end. I wouldn't want to see my child hurt.

If the poor child grew up to have many interpersonal problems, it would be distressing for us both, and I know I'd blame myself.

And not most, but many people who have children want just that: a child. He/she won't be a child forever. People make mistakes. People disappoint themselves. I wouldn't want to see that happen.

Right now, the only advantage for me to reproduce would be the fact that I love kids. I'm just not sure that that's enough.

Stella777

Let's see...I have two sons. When I was in my very early 20's I was kind of on the fence about having children. Then it just sort of happened when I was 26 and had only been married a short time. He certainly changed my life, in some not so good ways (the lack of sleep thing is a KILLER) but mostly in great ways. I certainly wouldn't go back and change anything if I could. My second was at age 30 and planned. I think two is enough for me! I've always been very adaptable, so I'm able to take the changes as they come and enjoy my life however it currently is rather than pine for what was or what I WISH my life were like.

I don't think that just because one has children one has to be completely tied down. We still travel internationally. Traveling with kids takes more planning but it can be done. We still have nights out as a couple. I still have my own interests that have nothing to do with being a wife and mother. I've made it a point to keep my friends who do not have kids. My OH is good about understanding that I need a day here and then to go out alone and clear my head.

I like my life with kids, but had I not had any kids, I think my life would still be just as full. Not better or worse, just different. Once the initial adjustment period was over, I've never felt restricted by them. Of course by age 26 I wasn't pretty much over the whole going out and partying all night anyway. I could understand how it would be much harder for someone in, say, her late teens.

There's nothing selfish about not wanting kids. In fact, I strongly believe that people who don't want kids should not have them. Period. No one should question them either.

deeliteful

well i am a single mother to 1 child and as such would recommend thinking very VERY carefully before experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. despite having a lot of love for my son, i feel (and this is my honest answer)on looking back now, i would rather not do it all again.maybe its cos i am parenting alone and i am now 35, still single and on social welfare, 6 stone heavier than pre-childbirth, had no job in 6 years and am dealing with my son's autism.i think life was more fun before, as at 30 i was thinner, had an exciting career, lots of friends and a social life, extra curricular stuff i could do after work, a nice clean house and plenty of money to spend on holidays, nites out and generally havin fun.
so my thoughts are, esp if there is any chance you could be doing it as a single parent, don't do it! maybe its ok if ur in a couple?who have loads of moeny? and sitters and family to help?
having children in my experience usually has an adverse effect on the following:
1.ur sleep (or lack of when there is no other parent to share the load)
2.sex life (again lack of when u have a child in the room beside u)
3.finances (paying for everything on ur own - food, clothes, baby stuff)
4.chances of getting out/getting a sitter (i.e. social life goes downhill)
5.holidays (certain places u won't be able to go to with a child)
6.career (taking care on ur own and paying rent+childcare=very hard!)
7.alone time/time off (u don't get it much unless its to go to an appt.)
i don't include ur body as the 6 stone mostly is my own fault and being on antidepressants and the pill that have put on the weight for me and some mums are thin so i guess that isn't always the case, but u would want to have considered all the above and have things in place career wise and chilcare wise and money saved etc before u decide on children.once u go there u cannot go back.
on the plus side there is alotta love and laughter with havin a 5year old!

Little Acorn

deeliteful wrote: »

well i am a single mother to 1 child and as such would recommend thinking very VERY carefully before experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. despite having a lot of love for my son, i feel (and this is my honest answer)on looking back now, i would rather not do it all again.maybe its cos i am parenting alone and i am now 35, still single and on social welfare, 6 stone heavier than pre-childbirth, had no job in 6 years and am dealing with my son's autism.i think life was more fun before, as at 30 i was thinner, had an exciting career, lots of friends and a social life, extra curricular stuff i could do after work, a nice clean house and plenty of money to spend on holidays, nites out and generally havin fun.
so my thoughts are, esp if there is any chance you could be doing it as a single parent, don't do it! maybe its ok if ur in a couple?who have loads of moeny? and sitters and family to help?
having children in my experience usually has an adverse effect on the following:
1.ur sleep (or lack of when there is no other parent to share the load)
2.sex life (again lack of when u have a child in the room beside u)
3.finances (paying for everything on ur own - food, clothes, baby stuff)
4.chances of getting out/getting a sitter (i.e. social life goes downhill)
5.holidays (certain places u won't be able to go to with a child)
6.career (taking care on ur own and paying rent+childcare=very hard!)
7.alone time/time off (u don't get it much unless its to go to an appt.)
i don't include ur body as the 6 stone mostly is my own fault and being on antidepressants and the pill that have put on the weight for me and some mums are thin so i guess that isn't always the case, but u would want to have considered all the above and have things in place career wise and chilcare wise and money saved etc before u decide on children.once u go there u cannot go back.
on the plus side there is alotta love and laughter with havin a 5year old!

Wow,I think that is such an honest post -thank you.
I have such admiration for single parents and I don't believe for a second that I would ever be mentally strong enough myself to handle it,or probably not even as part of a couple either.
I hope that the things that are bothering you change for the better
that you maybe get some more help from friends/family.
I'm sure you're doing an excellent job,and I hope that the love and laughter you mentioned with your child continue forever.

Sehnsucht

Fast_Mover wrote: »

Now, while before I thought these women who didnt want children were strange/odd/selfish...I'v actually come to admire them. They know that they are too selfish to be a parent. I'v seen too many kids with parents that are selfish and it breaks my heart!

Why automatically assume that it's selfishness? It could be any number of reasons, from having a condition that you don't want to pass on to knowing that you don't have the resources to raise a happy, healthy child. Some people simply don't have the maternal urge, why label this as selfish? In a severely overpopulated world it baffles me that this attitude of selfishness still exists.

Stella777

Sehnsucht wrote: »

Why automatically assume that it's selfishness? It could be any number of reasons, from having a condition that you don't want to pass on to knowing that you don't have the resources to raise a happy, healthy child. Some people simply don't have the maternal urge, why label this as selfish? In a severely overpopulated world it baffles me that this attitude of selfishness still exists.

Very true. I can't even think of a reason for NOT wanting children that would be selfish. And I can't think of ANY valid reason for having kids if your heart really isn't in it. In the Western world, most people don't live on farms anymore and therefore don't need kids to work the land. And in countries with pensions and such, people don't need to rely on their kids to take care of them in their old age. The thing about keeping the family line going is also quite old-fashioned. So why have them if you don't actually want them?

Glico Man

As a man I cannot wait to have kids of my own.

I've wanted my own child from the moment I watched a home video my parents filmed when I was just born.

The moment I grabbed hold of my dads finger with my whole tiny little hand, the camera was put down on a cabinet facing a chair. My dad sat down in the chair and I could see him crying.

The look of joy and happiness on his face as he held a tiny little me in his arms gave me the wish and urge to feel that emotion for myself.

CeNedra

I have two kids under 3 and am in my mid 30's. Got pregnant on my honeymoon ... earlier than we expected to be honest. Up to that point, we were living the life, fantastic social life. I was very career oriented and spent all my 20's saying that I just didn't want kids.

The thing is, I just changed my mind. Get slagged over this continually by my friends as I was pretty vocal about my reasons for not wanting to have kids and then one day just changed my mind to be honest.

The pregnancies were tough, the labour was nothing (though I was scared ****less of this part first time round), but the killer for me was the 6 months breast feeding after. I am a shagging silly perfectionist that has to have everything just right and that includes the kids diets. But man the lack of sleep, the mental stress, the post natal depression .... twice!!! Last time I ended up having to get help but I'm grand now.

Anyway, it was and is bloody hard. And I have the best, most supportive husband ever. I have been worrying since the day I found out I was pregnant for the 1st time, and it doesn't go away@!!

The reasons many people have for not having babies are valid. They are real, they are good reasons for not having kids believe me. Don't anybody feel selfish or bad because they don't want kids. This is something you need to want more than anything else alive, or how can you get through it?

By the way, even though this is the toughest thing I have ever done I am really glad I am in the middle of it. I just feel that there is nothing I have done or will do in any aspect of my life that can measure up to giving your time and energy into raising your kids to the best of your ability. But my God, I will never judge anybody who says this is not for them, I think that is a brave decision too and one I respect.

McChubbin

Whilst I was never particularly broody, I had a terrifying pregnancy scare (thankfully negetive) when I was 18 years old that made me re-evaluate my stance on the matter.
I *WOULD* like to have a child but between my mental state and my own views on the world, I worry that I wouldn't be a fit parent.

For one, I am too much of a perfectionist and too set in my ways to uproot my routines to accomidate for a toddler. Also, I absolutely cannot stand putting up with screaming children. I get enough of it at work. Granted, I'm sure it's different when it's your own but considering how obnoxious I was as a child, I can only dread what my own offspring will turn out like.

It's a sensory overload issue. Children are loud, smelly and obnoxious.
I prefer silence, lemony freshness and politeness so it just wouldn't work on that front.

On a more serious note, though, my main concerns revolve around the subject of genetics. Being deaf, I worry that any children I bring into the world will have the same hardships as I did or worse-they'll end up as deaf mutes.

I wouldn't even begin to know how to handle that and it is a fear that regularly plays on my mind. Another worry would be passing on bipolor disorder, Aspergers, sociopathic tendencies and a mild form of paranoia.

I doubt i'd be able to live with myself if my child turned out to be suffering from acute mental health issues. The guilt would eat me alive.

At this stage in my life, becoming a parent would be nothing short of catastrophic. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another lifeform so last year, I took preventative measures by getting an IUD fitted. Granted, I don't get nearly enough male attention to justify the use but I'd rather have it in place and not need it than need it and not have it.

Ideally, I'd like to have just one child-a son-within the next 10-15 years.
Hopefully in that amount of time I'll be financially, emotionally and mentally stabe enough to give it some semblence of a normal life.

Just have to find the right bloke though chances are, it'll either be a turkey baster scenerio or "drunken heterosexual encounter"...

Nightwish

I'm not a bit maternal and I am very me orientated at the moment. Being around children even for a few minutes is hell as it is, without having one around me 24/7. I like having my time to myself. I like having my money to myself and my life to myself. I think the physical aspect of pregnancy and childbirth is horrific, disgusting and something I am not willing to do under any circumstances.

Stella777

deeliteful wrote: »

well i am a single mother to 1 child and as such would recommend thinking very VERY carefully before experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. despite having a lot of love for my son, i feel (and this is my honest answer)on looking back now, i would rather not do it all again.maybe its cos i am parenting alone and i am now 35, still single and on social welfare, .................but u would want to have considered all the above and have things in place career wise and chilcare wise and money saved etc before u decide on children.once u go there u cannot go back.
on the plus side there is alotta love and laughter with havin a 5year old!

I can only imagine how challenging being a single parent would be because even when there's a supportive OH around, it's already hard.

CeNedra wrote: »

.....But man the lack of sleep, the mental stress, the post natal depression .... twice!!! Last time I ended up having to get help but I'm grand now.

Anyway, it was and is bloody hard. And I have the best, most supportive husband ever. I have been worrying since the day I found out I was pregnant for the 1st time, and it doesn't go away@!!

The reasons many people have for not having babies are valid. They are real, they are good reasons for not having kids believe me. Don't anybody feel selfish or bad because they don't want kids. This is something you need to want more than anything else alive, or how can you get through it?

By the way, even though this is the toughest thing I have ever done I am really glad I am in the middle of it..

Agreed. Sometiems I'll meet a woman, the type with a glazed over face and strained Stepford Wife smile. She'll claim that EVERY SINGLE moment since her kids' conception has been nothing but talcum powder scented joy, little pink-cheeked cherubs singing in the background, nothing but fufilling BLISS. I usually just nod, but inside I'm wondering exactly which combination of pills she's on.

The fact is, no matter how much you want it, how prepared you think you are, being a parent will have some moments of frustration, exhaustion, mind-numbing boredom, anxiety and break-out-in-a-cold-sweat fear.

Anyone who tries to tell you different is L-Y-I-N-G.

vanderwoodsen

I am so glad I found this thread .. have never posted on boards before but googling this subject threw this thread up!
I have never felt a huge desire to have children.. there are some reasons that I'm sure I could overcome such as
1. don't want to be pregnant, give birth etc
2. don't want to feel guilty every single day for the decisions I make such as wanting to continue to fulfill all my career ambitions, work full time, study etc .. I feel like no one ever questions a mans choice to work full time but women who are in a comfortable financial situation are always asked why they continue to work at all/full time
3. don't want to go on holidays to some crappy costa del sol resort every year
4. the worry .. I see my dad still worrying about us every hour of every day even though we are all adults

I think I've used these as excuses in discussion for years to cover up my real fears. I'm afraid of a child feeling the way myself and my siblings feel about my Mother. We all love her because we are obliged to but I really believe there are some people who genuinely are not meant to be parents and she was one of them.
She has struggled for her whole life with (untreated) depression and couldn't handle the responsibility of having children at all. My dad was both parents and we all have a great relationship with him but its the bad one that has affected us all deeply.
My parents stayed together for us and their happiness has been compromised because of this.
I would never forgive myself if I inflicted on my own children the emotional turmoil we all went through because of her. I'm afraid of a baby being born and not loving it and making it aware of this pretty much every day.
Also depression is an illness like any other and tends to run in families..its not something I have been affected by (thankfully) but siblings have and I am terrified of it rearing its ugly head on me at some point. I do not want my children to grow up with that.
I am aware that I do not have to turn out like this just because of my mother, I am nothing like her in most ways.
I have only recently wanted to start dealing with these issues and my boyfriend of five years is horrified. I have always made my feelings clear to him but he has never taken me seriously, I finally laid everything out to him last week and asked for his support to try and deal with the issues I have from the childhood problems etc .. and he has pretty much turned his back on me.. which I am struggling to get my head around. If it was him I would just want to do everything I could to help him and he has literally just walked away .. he says he thought I always said I didn't want children because of "immaturity" (I'm 26 and not remotely immature) even though he knows the ins and outs of the problems with my mam.

Kids drive me mad in the way they do for others, have no patience for them in restaurants, on buses, planes etc but I love my nephew and goddaughter and love being around them. I may have been a bit over the top about my intolerance for kids in recent weeks which as I now recognise as a bit of a cry for help/attention or whatever but my boyfriends insensitivity has left me thinking maybe I'm with the wrong man and this has also clouded my thinking on the subject. As I mentioned above I am very close to my dad, hes my best friend in a lot of ways and I see him as pretty much a perfect parent.

I think having children is a life decison like any other and it should be respected as such. I never wonder why childless couples don't have any or presume they had trouble conceiving as seems to be the norm!! I don't think children are for everyone. If having dealt with all mental/emotional issues I still stand strong that nope.. they are not for me, I will be happy with that, but at the moment I'm not sure I feel that way for the right reasons and I need to sort that out.

I apologise for the long post and hope I have not hi jacked the thread .. I was just very glad to find it and read all the different thoughts and opinions and .. possibly needed to get everything out. I was interested to read that a lot of people that don't want children say so because of parents splitting up/difficult relationships etc .. and now I don't feel so alone!

Ickle Magoo

I'm a mother of two very close in age, we didn't really plan on things panning out that way - we had sex twice unprotected and have two kids to show for it.

I always stated that I would never have kids, I didn't really like little kids or babies growing up and tbh, other than my own, I'm still a bit like that. Parenting is by far the hardest job I have ever done, I don't think I'm a natural at it and I really, really didn't enjoy the baby stage at all. It's definitely getting easier and more fun as the kids get older but I have made sure as far as I possibly can that I never get pregnant again. There are times when I dearly wish we didn't have the stress, worry, sleepless nights, expense and limitations that having a child brings so, as much as I wouldn't change anything now, I can completely understand why someone doesn't want any of that.

DancingDaisy

I'm somebody who loves kids, spent most of my teenage years babysitting all the neighbouring kids, and kids generally love me too, but I don't think I will ever have any.

I love my life, and I love the fact that I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. It sounds selfish I know, but I spent a huge amount of my youth being older than my years, and looking after my younger siblings, that in a way I already feel like I've done the parenting bit, and now I want to enjoy my life. I'll be quite happy to mind my friends kids, and I can't wait to be an aunty, but definitely not a mum.

I know I'm only in my early twenties, and this will possibly change at some point in the future, maybe in 10 or 15 years, but right now it's how I feel.

shellykbookey

I've no intention of having kids and I'm the oldest of all the grandkids on both sides of my family and the oldest girl by a good bit, so no pressure. It makes no sense for me 'cos the job I'm in I move house every few months and I aint exactly raking it in so there's no way I even consider kids till I know I've enough in the bank for emergancies and earning enough to have a decent standard of living. And I want to travel, a lot. Also I've no idea what religion/spiritual thingy I'm into never mind picking one for a child. I've a temper and that noughty step thing is a load of bollox and I dont want to end up hitting them. The enviroment is going off the deep end, the country is full of scummers and the judicial system here is a joke so its to dangerous. AND what if you had a girl! I dont even wear foundation, I couldn't handle rasing a girl not the way there going these days.

Anyway I'd adopt or foster before I'd have ones of my own, there's hundreds of kids in this country alone that need good homes. It realy p'sses me off when women go on about HAVING to have kids, just cos you're capable of producing offspring doesnt mean your obliged to. Last time I checked the human race was in no danger of extinction from lack of babies. Another thing aswell just because modern medicine has got so hitec that they can make babies out of anything doesn't mean you should, there are women who through genetic, physical or whatever means cant get pergnant/ carry a child naturally.... accept that you're not ment to and adopt. I know its a touchy subject but when I hear about people going about X years of IVF or failed pregnancies because of various condtions eventually having a baby born premature and sick only to die shortly after it wrecks my head why would you do that to a child! My mams a midwife one of the regulars was in at the end of the summer after her 26th or 27th miscarrage (no joke and she's only in her early 30's) and insisted that she would keep trying because she "knew she was ment to be a mother and take care of children", yet when one of the nurses suggested that she might want to think about adopting for health reasons she was furious and said "why would I want to bring up someone elses brat"! Ugh. Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant

sam34

shellykbookey wrote: »

Another thing aswell just because modern medicine has got so hitec that they can make babies out of anything doesn't mean you should, there are women who through genetic, physical or whatever means cant get pergnant/ carry a child naturally.... accept that you're not ment to and adopt

emm, so do you think we should reject all the advances of modern medicine or just the ones dealing with assisted reproduction?

should people with cancer just accept that they're going to die, and refyse chemo or surgery?

should diabetics just accept that they cant regulate their blood sugars and succumb to the inevitible coma?

should people whose aneurysm ruptures reject the surgical skill that allows it to be repaired and just lie down and die?

shoule those who need a heart bypass just wait for the inevitible heart attack?


etc etc etc

legatti

Liah... you are extremly responsible to think about the pros and cons,
and the whole wrecked body/ private bits is a reality!!!

having said that i have 2 daughters whom i wouldnt change for the world,
:pac:

WesternNight

shellykbookey wrote: »

I've no intention of having kids and I'm the oldest of all the grandkids on both sides of my family and the oldest girl by a good bit, so no pressure. It makes no sense for me 'cos the job I'm in I move house every few months and I aint exactly raking it in so there's no way I even consider kids till I know I've enough in the bank for emergancies and earning enough to have a decent standard of living. And I want to travel, a lot. Also I've no idea what religion/spiritual thingy I'm into never mind picking one for a child. I've a temper and that noughty step thing is a load of bollox and I dont want to end up hitting them. The enviroment is going off the deep end, the country is full of scummers and the judicial system here is a joke so its to dangerous. AND what if you had a girl! I dont even wear foundation, I couldn't handle rasing a girl not the way there going these days.

Anyway I'd adopt or foster before I'd have ones of my own, there's hundreds of kids in this country alone that need good homes. It realy p'sses me off when women go on about HAVING to have kids, just cos you're capable of producing offspring doesnt mean your obliged to. Last time I checked the human race was in no danger of extinction from lack of babies. Another thing aswell just because modern medicine has got so hitec that they can make babies out of anything doesn't mean you should, there are women who through genetic, physical or whatever means cant get pergnant/ carry a child naturally.... accept that you're not ment to and adopt. I know its a touchy subject but when I hear about people going about X years of IVF or failed pregnancies because of various condtions eventually having a baby born premature and sick only to die shortly after it wrecks my head why would you do that to a child! My mams a midwife one of the regulars was in at the end of the summer after her 26th or 27th miscarrage (no joke and she's only in her early 30's) and insisted that she would keep trying because she "knew she was ment to be a mother and take care of children", yet when one of the nurses suggested that she might want to think about adopting for health reasons she was furious and said "why would I want to bring up someone elses brat"! Ugh. Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant

See, while I agree to a certain extent in the sense that not everyone is necessarily "parent material", I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone that they should or should not have children. People should be provided with all the relevant information and then be allowed to make up their own minds.

I'm all for adoption, I think it's a fantastic thing to be able to do, and perhaps shouldn't be thought of as a "last resort" to have children. But no-one should ever be told that they should adopt rather than have biological children just because you think it's a better thing to do.

shellykbookey

sam34 wrote: »

emm, so do you think we should reject all the advances of modern medicine or just the ones dealing with assisted reproduction?

should people with cancer just accept that they're going to die, and refyse chemo or surgery?

should diabetics just accept that they cant regulate their blood sugars and succumb to the inevitible coma?

should people whose aneurysm ruptures reject the surgical skill that allows it to be repaired and just lie down and die?

shoule those who need a heart bypass just wait for the inevitible heart attack?


etc etc etc

I'm not saying that every advance should be rejected, or that if there's difficulties when someone is pregant that their shouldnt be help. But for someone who gets it extremly hard/ impossible to get from conception to birth for years there is another option in adoption that's not available with the condtions above. I'm not against IVF totaly its just when people put themselves through years and years of it, it doesnt make sense to me when they could have tried a few times, given up and if they had adopted they they'd have those extra years with a child. I've just heard of so many women over the years off mam that cant have kids but refuse to stop trying and suffer health wise, end up with depression (in some not all cases) and relationships suffer a lot too. I know three women who's marriges broke up over the stress of not being able to have kids.

One woman mam deals with the whole time, who already has two children was told a few years ago that for whatever reason that she cant have any more yet she keeps getting pregnant and loosing the baby before 6 months. She's realy sick the whole way through, spends the whole time in and out of hospital and is back in 2 or 3 months after the miscarrage pregnant again. She spends most of the year in hospital while the dad is left trying to look after the kids and work (she gave up work cos she was sick so much). She hardly ever sees the kids she has because she's so desperate for another one. I know not everyone is as bad as her but this is the kind of situation realy annoys me when there is an alternative.

you*ess*bee

There is no part of me that has ever wanted kids. Children freak me out for some reason. I love animals and am perfectly happy with a few pets to adore. Im 33, and maybe years from now I will feel different. Maybe this is mother natures way of telling me im not ready to handle children.

Above all, I understand that some people want to have children, and others dont. What I cant stand is people commenting all the time how horrible it is that I dont want kids. Or that ill change my mind soon. Why do they not understand its my choice, not theirs, and I am no less of a kind and loving person.

Deacy

You ladies are great! I admire your passion. I'm in the sad position of wanting a second child and not being strong enough to go for it. Not for any medical reasons but because my husband has refused to even discuss it. I have all the logical reasons for not having another 1 but they all sound a little dull to my ears when my biological clock it ticking so loudly. Before I had my daughter we both had said that we couldn't ever see ourselves wanting to have kids - even going so far as to causing offence to family by implying they were the selfish ones. How ironic that I'm left feeling selfish again for wanting to love another little life. Has anyone been in a similar position and found strong enough reasons either way to help make the life changing decision? I'd also be interested to hear the opinions of 'only children' to get my child's angle. Thanks.

WesternNight

Deacy wrote: »

I'd also be interested to hear the opinions of 'only children' to get my child's angle. Thanks.

Well, I'm an only child and I always always wanted siblings. I'd ask Santa for a brother or sister when I was very young. And now that I'm an adult I really do feel that siblings would have been fantastic for me. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of advantages to being an only child, but the realisation of having to deal with everything on my own when my parents die (not for many many years yet, though, hopefully!), that I'll be completely on my own family wise. And that I'm the only hope for them to have grandchildren etc. That's kind of a lot to process for me.

I was very lonely as a child. And I always longed for a sibling if for no other reason than for the company. I'd have loved to have the kind of sibling relationships that I see other people having with theirs.

That said, that's just me. I know a lot of people who absolutely loved being an only child and never had any wish to have siblings and were never lonely for company. It's all relative really.