Cheating; deal or no deal???

Wibbs · 13-11-2009 6:44pm

Kimia wrote: »

Fair enough, but you shouldn't have to work so hard at getting a man to jump ship for you. If he's unhappy in his current relationship he's unhappy and that's it, and I get where you're coming from on this point. But if he's unhappy enough to leave his girlfriend for you, he should be also unhappy enough to just leave his girlfriend.. if that makes sense..

You shouldn't be the only reason he leaves, ya know?

Yea but in my experience that's the case in 2/3 of breakups. They're leaving for someone or something else(career, college, country). I've known few enough just break up with someone with nobody else in sight. Men as generally they prefer the status quo and women for the "I dont wanna be single" fear. I know one woman who is in her mid 30's and she has been single, truly single for less than 2 months in all that time. She just jumps from one guy to the next, like a monkey in the jungle from one branch to the next and she won't let go of one until she has clear sight or has latched onto the next. I can think of a lot of people like that.

Now some stay in a meh relationship for what appear and often are good reasons. They do love the other person, but not that way anymore, they hope that comes back so they stick around, they try to work on it so they stick around. If in that period someone new that flicks enough switches goes by, I would say the vast majority will jump ship. They'll often explain it away in romantic terms, but that's the reality as a very general thing.

I would say a good third of relationship between men and women kick off by "cheating", either emotionally or physically or there is overlap. Maybe even more. It's not that black and white. Sure I would much prefer to meet with and fall in love with someone who is single for a year working on herself and me the same, but I would be seriously reducing my options if I did that and could miss a good un.

In a weird way for me anyway, that category of "cheating" has one saving grace over the usual kind; something positive may come from it. A new better couple may be born and even the dumped person may learn a lot of new things about themselves so they forge a better relationship in the future with someone else. Plus I'd rather be single than be in a couple where one half was there just because they had no choice and weren't deeply in love with me. Damn straight.

Where the regular form of cheating, the bit on the side type is generally bad(but not always), because nothing positive comes from it. 3 people are being cheated in more ways than one. The bit on the side only gets one aspect of a loving and healthy relationship, ditto the official partner. Even the cheater is getting the shíte end of the stick, but most dont get that.

Wibbs · 13-11-2009 6:53pm

TelePaul wrote: »

Deal-breaker for me I'm afraid. I'd respect someone a thousand times more if they broke things off with me for someone else as opposed to stringing us both along. What really surprises me is just how common cheating is amongst couples of all ages...whether you're together six months or six years, in your twenties or in your forties. I suppose people are so quick to forgive because the act is so common-place these days.

It is remarkably common yes I agree. More than I would have thought years ago before I saw it up close and personal. Far more. TBH I have been actually shocked. It turned me off relationships for a good while.

Now not so much as I copped on that I was selecting certain women for a start. I also saw the whys of infidelity more clearly. I would say that very generally there are "danger" times. 6 months as you said. A huge danger time is between 2 and 4 years. Huge. That's the transition from honeymoon time to long term future, where boredom can really set in. The "is this it?" time. Then 10ish years. Age is another one again as a broad thing. I would say many more 22 year old women will cheat than 22 year old men. At 40, I would say defo reverse that. I think thats down to opportunities though.

esporanza · 28-01-2010 11:27am

Been there ,done that and ended up with a leopard with the same spots.second time around i felt like a re-incarinated doormat:mad:

Madame Razz wrote: »

Personally no matter how much I loved a man I could never bring myself to forgive him for cheating on me; I don't think I could be with him again; I don't think I could ever get it out of my head.

Yet I am amazed at the number of women who do take back their cheating partners, work thru it, and come out the other side, for better or for worse, and sometimes really very much for the better. But why would you do it? Blind love? Or fear of being alone? or just sheer determination to make things work?

Could you do it? Could you take(or have you taken) back a cheating partner and could you turn it around and make it work again?

esporanza · 28-01-2010 11:32am

jobucks wrote: »

Would you still do it if you knew his girlfriend, and I mean if you knew her well?

If not, why not? if as you say all is fair in love and war?

Aren't there easier and less callous ways to give your ego a boost?

remember though: KARMA IS A BITCH!

panda100 · 28-01-2010 12:44pm

I would never take back a guy who had cheated on me which is quite hypocritical of me as I have cheated in pretty much every relationship. A drunken snog though I might be able to forgive but anything more I would not be able to handle.

manofmagic31 · 28-01-2010 5:07pm

Panda110 wrote: »

I would never take back a guy who had cheated on me which is quite hypocritical of me as I have cheated in pretty much every relationship. A drunken snog though I might be able to forgive but anything more I would not be able to handle.

i pity whoever ends up going out with you, i really do.....suffice to say there is something out there called karma so probably they were cheating on you or when you find the man of your dreams, he will cheat even when you have stopped.

this is how things work, this is the natural order of things, nobody gets out unscathed

Fink Goddie · 28-01-2010 5:30pm

manofmagic31 wrote: »

i pity whoever ends up going out with you, i really do.....suffice to say there is something out there called karma so probably they were cheating on you or when you find the man of your dreams, he will cheat even when you have stopped.

this is how things work, this is the natural order of things, nobody gets out unscathed

And can anyone prove that karma exists, no.
IMO its made up, just like, if its for you it wont pass you by, people make up these things to make themselves feel better about situations.

someone does something really bad on you-oh its ok something bad will happen to them now.

I think its BS personally.

SubrbanOblivion · 29-01-2010 5:59pm

Unforgiveable..no questions asked.

esporanza · 18-02-2010 3:23am

Wibbs wrote: »

Yep to shellys post. One thing I noted in that phase of mine was that there was a certain subset of women that got far more interested if I told them I was in a relationship. They were great fun. Much easier to tempt. Give them the usual lines, light the blue touch paper and stand back. Again competitive novelty seekers for the most part.

couldnt agree with you more tibbs, I know a few of them too, I ALSO NOTICE THEY NEVER DESCRIBE THEIR NEW MARRIED CONQUEST as a husband or a father just a married man!!

esporanza · 18-02-2010 3:27am

Fink Goddie wrote: »

And can anyone prove that karma exists, no.
IMO its made up, just like, if its for you it wont pass you by, people make up these things to make themselves feel better about situations.

someone does something really bad on you-oh its ok something bad will happen to them now.

I think its BS personally.

you should try it fink or maybe not, definately happens cant explain it bit like black holes!

Aidric · 18-02-2010 11:13pm

Having been on the wrong end of a cheating partner in one of my earliest relationships I abhor everything about it. If you aren't happy in a relationship then do the honourable thing. Oh, and people who use drink as an excuse can walk on.

Bonito · 18-02-2010 11:19pm

If they cheated on ANY past partner they've a massive obstacle course ahead of them with me.

If they cheated on me they're dumped on the spot and no looking back. No "But I was really drunk" malarchy. If you can't control yourself while drunk don't drink so much!

Want revenge for an argument? Fine be my guest, shows me exactly the type of person they are and I'm not losing anything TBPH.

That's my view on it.

Giselle · 19-02-2010 2:07am

It completely depends on the relationship (casual/longterm/committed/married), the circumstances, and how much of the relationship is good separate to the cheating behaviour.

Whether theres children involved would dictate how much effort I'd expend in saving anything. Whether or not I considered him to be a generally honourable person in other areas.

Short term relationship/Oops I was drunk = Bye.

Everything else depends on too many factors for a black and white answer.

Wibbs · 19-02-2010 10:57am

I dont believe in karma, though I can see why there is some effect and hence people believein it. If someone is a serial cheater and has a particular personality, then past behaviour tends to indicate future behaviour. Plus they'll tend to go for the same template in a partner.

Down the line when they want to "settle down", they pick the kind of partner they always had. Fine when they were in their old behaviour and that worked. Not so good when they change. So odds are sooner or later they themselves will get badly burned. People call that "karma". My take anyway.

jen- · 20-02-2010 2:26pm

Once a cheater always a cheater!! If you take someone back after they have cheated on you then they are more than likely going to do it again because they think that you will just take them back again.Its like letting them have their cake and eat it. I know alot people who cheat say it was one time and a mistake but more of often than not they are fully aware of what they are doing. I dont think I have ever been cheated on, but Id to think if I was with someone who wasnt as into the relationship as much as me that they would ahve the decency and honesty to break up before they go getting with other people!

Bonito · 20-02-2010 2:28pm

jen- wrote: »

Once a cheater always a cheater!! If you take someone back after they have cheated on you then they are more than likely going to do it again because they think that you will just take them back again.Its like letting them have their cake and eat it. I know alot people who cheat say it was one time and a mistake but more of often than not they are fully aware of what they are doing. I dont think I have ever been cheated on, but Id to think if I was with someone who wasnt as into the relationship as much as me that they would ahve the decency and honesty to break up before they go getting with other people!

Ashley Cole = perfect example. (sorry for using a "celeb" reference but it's something that everyone knows about)

vicecreamsundae · 20-02-2010 4:11pm

I was sooo sure i'd never stay with someone who cheated on me. but three years into my first real relationship, my boyfriend told me he had drunkenly cheated on me a year and a half previous. short version is it totally broke my heart, but he begged and i took him back.

Fastforward two years, and i cheat on him. I wasn't drunk, like my bf had been. I was just reallly attracted to the guy [highschool quarterback swoon] and thought... my bf has kissed someone else since me, why shouldn't i? but most of all, i just wanted to. so i did. and i came clean about it straight away and felt awful of course, but he ended up forgiving me..and i kind of felt like he had to, like he owed me, and i had a right to one free pass. sounds ****ty of me, but that's how i felt. and we went out for another 3 years happily, without anymore cheating issues.

anyway, i don't regret it for a second, because not only did it make us even stevens, it got me off my high horse about how i was so sure I'd never cheat. i was able to see it from my bfs perspective. cheating with that guy didn't make me feel different about my bf, i still loved him and only him, so it made me realise that when he had cheated on me... maybe it had nothing to do with me either, and while i was right to feel hurt, i didn't need to read into it so much.

these days i'm not sure how i feel about cheating.while constantly going out on the pull and lying about it to your partner might mean you have little respect for you and your relationship, having feelings for and/or kissing someone else does not neccessarily mean you love your partner any less. i just think it's important to remember that when you're in a relationship, honesty and trust are important, but you don't own each other and not everything you do separately has to affect the other person. your partner kissing another human is not the end of the world, not does it mean they don't love you or that they want to be with someone else. of course this is hypothetical, and i'm not in any serious relationship right now so i don't have to worry about this at the moment. but there is a lot more to a relationship than "look! i'm not touching anyone else!!"

Novella · 20-02-2010 4:19pm

jen- wrote: »

Once a cheater always a cheater!! If you take someone back after they have cheated on you then they are more than likely going to do it again because they think that you will just take them back again.Its like letting them have their cake and eat it. I know alot people who cheat say it was one time and a mistake but more of often than not they are fully aware of what they are doing. I dont think I have ever been cheated on, but Id to think if I was with someone who wasnt as into the relationship as much as me that they would ahve the decency and honesty to break up before they go getting with other people!

I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. Plenty of people do plenty of things just once and then never again. People can learn from mistakes they have made. Honestly, if a guy was open with me and told me he'd cheated on a previous partner but was remorseful, understood the wrong-doing, I wouldn't automatically assume he was more likely to cheat on me than anybody else.
Of course, there are 'serial cheaters'. However, I don't believe in the 'cheat once and you're always a cheater, just not fully aware of what you're doing' BS.
Tbph, I've cheated once. I was completely aware of what I was doing, it wasn't some deep psychological thing. Opportunity arose and temptation was too much, plain and simple. I know I'd never do it again though. I still remember the look on my boyfriend at the times face when I told him. I didn't realise how much I could possibly hurt him by betraying him like that and if I had, I wouldn't have done it. I know myself that I could never hurt anybody like that again. Temptation has risen since and I haven't cheated. I've just learned only to be in relationships where I am in 100%, that way the thought of being with someone else, well, it just doesn't happen.

almostnever · 20-02-2010 11:21pm

I definitely think it depends.
for example I think I could forgive a one night stand under certain circumstances and if I knew it would never happen again. Although I think,for me, it'd eventually drive us apart because I'd go insane with paranoia and I'd never really trust him again. But it depends. As for a full blown affair? Nuh-uh. No chance. It would destroy me,tbh.

Ickle Magoo · 21-02-2010 12:04am

No deal. I wouldn't want a cheater, remorseful or not. I think there are plenty of people in the world, some will not cheat, why should anyone who feels so little of me that they are willing to risk it all and cause me pain and hurt be forgiven? I'd rather move on & find a better partner tbh...

shellykbookey · 01-03-2010 3:35pm

Cheating in a total deal breaker for me. Sexy texts, kissing or sex I'd count all the same. Esp. if there's multiple cheating you obviously dont care about the other person cos you risk catching something and giving to your unspecting partner. I've never cheated on anyone I was with and I was with one guy for nearly two years and during that time there was two guys that I was seriously attracted to but I didnt act on it even though there was plenty of oppertunity. (I ended it cos he went off with a girl I know one wknd). I'm able to stay faithful to the person I'm with and I havent exactly got a concreat resolve so I'd expect anyone I was with to either do the same or have the decency to break it off before anything happens. I was in college with a girl who cheated on her long term bf every chance she got (which was quite often) yet went ballistic if he went to the pub without tell in her. Bases on the infection rish alone she obviously doesn't give a crap about him.

Pebbles! · 01-03-2010 8:04pm

one thing I hate in a relationship is cheating. I was madly in love with a guy and he cheated on me, it absolutely crushed me to be perfectly honest..I got into such a state. He convinced me it was a mistake and we got back together...it was the worst thing I ever did, he cheated on me again and again..he was a brilliant liar and was able to talk his way out of anything. One part of me knew he was cheating ( with the same girl, his ex) but another bit of me didn't want to believe it so I believe all his excuses. my fault I know...but at the time the sun shined outa his ass!!! in the end it all came out and I was just as hurt as the first time. It took me a long time to get over it to be honest and It really destroyed my trust in men.

If your in a relationship with someone it's cause you want to be, if you don't break up..don't cheat.

I'm with a great fella now, and my trust is building up again, he was alslo cheated on before and kows how much it hurts...he has the same views on relationships as me and we great on great!

I won't say once a cheater always a cheater, but I believe it is very hard to change! as I know my ex is still cheating!!! every relationship is different and it depends on the situtation, the people involved and the feelings between the two people if a relationship can work after one person cheats.

But if you cheat you have to question your feelings for that person!

RachPie · 01-03-2010 8:06pm

No way, there's no way you can mend that trust once it's been broken, and hopefully you respect yourself way more than to be with someone who obviously doesn't treat you the way you deserve, or quite frankly, wants you.

Giselle · 01-03-2010 11:13pm

RachPie wrote: »

No way, there's no way you can mend that trust once it's been broken, and hopefully you respect yourself way more than to be with someone who obviously doesn't treat you the way you deserve, or quite frankly, wants you.

Cheating as a subject is full of variations, causes, circumstances, . Its as complex a situation as humans are capable of. Everyones' story is different, even if they seem the same.

For a subject so full of grey areas there are lots of very black and white answers.

Malari · 02-03-2010 11:03am

Giselle wrote: »

Cheating as a subject is full of variations, causes, circumstances, . Its as complex a situation as humans are capable of. Everyones' story is different, even if they seem the same.

For a subject so full of grey areas there are lots of very black and white answers.

Which is why I think a couple should have a relatively clear idea of what "cheating" means to them and what the boundaries are. Then it comes more black and white in a personal way.

Cheating; deal or no deal???

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