(UPDATED: 2ND HALF ADDED)Article in the Sunday World: Single Dad

Klingon Hamlet

"FOR AN UNMARRIED FATHER WHO HAS NO LEGAL RIGHTS, LIFE'S A NIGHTMARE. NOT A SINGLE DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER."[/SIZE]


It was an important milestone in his four-year-old’s life, but Jim Lyons wasn’t with his daughter on her first day of school this September. Instead he got his first glimpse of his child in her new school uniform in a photo published in a local newspaper.

“She was in the front row. I went down to the paper and I asked for the photo to be enlarged and laminated,” says the 34-year-old dad, who isn’t married to his little girl’s mother. The Tralee-based father felt he couldn’t be there when his child started school.


"I knew she’d be starting school but I didn’t want to turn up at the school gate that morning. The last thing I wanted was for an argument to start with my ex-partner,” explains Jim, who says his access to his daughter has dwindled almost to nothing in the past year.


A former security officer, Jim is currently unemployed due to ill-health—triggered, he says, by stress at not having regular access to his child.


“My relationship with my little girl’s mother was a six-month affair. When she came to my apartment to tell me she was pregnant, I was shocked but I was also excited at the thought of becoming a dad. I looked forward to it. We’d broken up by then. I offered to marry her straight away but she refused.


“She rang the day after the birth to tell me I was the dad of a beautiful baby girl. Seeing my child for the first time, I was overwhelmed. She was so small and gorgeous and perfectly healthy. I wanted to look after her for the rest of my life and to be there for her. That’s the way I feel right to this day.”


Getting the type of access to his daughter that he longed for was difficulting, says Jim. at the beginn


“I had supervised access at the mother’s discretion. I could see my little girl for two to three hours a week in my ex-partner’s presence. It was really frustrating. I wanted to bond with my daughter, yet I was only getting to see her once a week.



"Gradually, though, my access to my child built up to where I was seeing her three times a week when she was aged between one and three.”


But—after what he describes as a “serious falling-out” with his ex-partner—his access to his daughter dropped almost to nothing.


“At the moment there’s no arranged access and what I’ve had has been very limited. For the last year, I’ve been seeing my daughter when she’s in the park downtown with her mother,” says Jim, who did not pursue legal guardianship fearing such attempts might alienate his ex-partner.


“As it stands, I’m hoping she might come around and let me see my child the way I used to see her. I’d love if I could see her on a regular basis, without going to court,” says Jim, who describes his daughter as “a pure tomboy.”


“When I was seeing her in her mam’s house, we’d be out the back and she’d be swinging off the swings. She’s mad for climbing in the town park’s the best thing ever—she’s a very happy child. and going down the chute. I really think she


“Because she’s four now, we’d be able to have a conversation. I’d like to be able to take her downtown, buy her a dress, bring her to a movie or take her to the Aquadome. I’d like to let my parents see their grandchild.


“Being an unmarried father, with no automatic legal rights, is a living nightmare. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my daughter,. I’ll always have a bond with her, but when she’s not seeing me often, she’s forgetting me, though when I see her downtown she recognises me,” says Jim.


One in three children born in Ireland is born outside marriage, confirms Eamonn Quinn, administrator of Unmarried and Separated Fathers of Ireland (USFI).

While Quinn acknowledges the many mothers who honour the father’s right to be involved in their child’s life, he says many unmarried fathers are denied access to their child simply on a whim.

“You hear of dads driving a distance, maybe from Dublin to Galway, to see their child and—without any notice at all—the mother denies them access, without fear of challenge.

It could be anything from blatantly being told “No, you’re not seeing the child” to being told the child’s sick or at a birthday party. Sometimes the more money the father pays in maintenance, the more access he gets.

“What’s often difficult is when the woman takes up with a new partner and the couple want to conduct their own family arrangement to the exclusion of the unmarried father. The new man might want to take them to the beach or the zoo but there’s a strain when he can’t because it’s the day the child has access to his natural father.”

An unmarried father has no legal rights at all, says Quinn, until such time as he’s appointed legal guardian of his child. A less preferable alternative is—with the mother’s consent—to sign a statutory declaration before a peace commissioner or a solicitor.

“Applying for guardianship in court is better because there’s a record in court, whereas signing a statutory declaration has no official recognition,” says Quinn, who advises unmarried fathers, seeking access to their child, to follow a series of defined steps.

“Write to your child’s mother, explaining how you love the child, that you respect her as the mother but that you’d appreciate if she also recognises you as the child’s father. If this fails, notify the mother in a follow-up letter of your intention to apply for guardianship through the courts.”

Quinn strongly recommends unmarried fathers find out what legal guardianship means before they appear before a judge.

“It means being a protector of the child’s moral, physical, religious, educational and emotional upbringing.

“Know what you want at midweek, weekend, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, Christmas, summer holidays, first day at school, First Communion. It has to be that detailed. If you’re supposed to have your child between 10am and 6pm every second Saturday and you don’t, it’s very clear the court order has been broken.”

Many unmarried fathers let the side down, says Quinn. “They’re too busy working or drinking or watching football to mget involved in highlighting the ever-present difficulties for separated and unmarried fathers in Ireland. Unless fathers wage a wider campaign, nothing’s going to change.”

Meanwhile in Tralee, Jim Lyons wants to set up a support group for unmarried fathers living in the south-west, who find it difficult to access groups in Dublin or Galway. Email: kingdomfathers@gmail.com. You can also visit the USFI website at www.usfi.ie.

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Nevyn

If you are going to reproduce an artical can you please do so as a quote and link to it please other wise the site may get into trouble for publishing copywrited content.

ash23

Why wouldn't he pursue the matter through the courts?
He already says he had a "serious falling out" with the mother so why is he worried about alienating her?
Unless he thinks he wouldn't get a court to agree access then I can't understand why he doesn't pursue it.

metrovelvet

Can I get an invitation to the pity party?

Das Kitty

It does seem strange. If that was the case would an article in a Sunday Newspaper with only one side of the story not be way more alienating?

Nevyn

I think that he should go through the courts, and I think the court orders should be enforced on the mother, unfortunately the system seems reticent to do so.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think that he should go through the courts, and I think the court orders should be enforced on the mother, unfortunately the system seems reticent to do so.

The courts arent enforcing anything at the moment. I believe bench warrents for no maintenance have also been suspended.

geckotime

metrovelvet wrote: »

Can I get an invitation to the pity party?

Boo!

smelltheglove

This kind of thing really gets to me, no I'm not a father but I was raised by my father, under the same situation as I above I became pregnant and I insisted my childs father had a part in her life. He didnt take the news as above but I kept him informed constantly even if he did not want to speak to me. Now they have a great relationship.

Every child needs their mother people say but they do also need their father, why have just one when you can have both? I cant even put into words how much this irritates me, there are people out there who give single dads a bad name fair enough but there are also people out there that give single mothers a bad name.

Having come from a childhood with arguing parents fighting for custody etc etc I have a completely different aspect to most. My daughter is 7 now and I am glad to say that as parents we get on great, her daddy and his whole family, brother sisters and parents all came to my wedding, we attend birthday celebrations in their house etc etc. I dont understand how two people who love a child so much cannot put the past behind them and do what is best for the child. I know it is usually just one causing the hassle and in this case I really feel for the dad. I do agree fathers need more rights many think there is no hope for them, but there is, and I suppose my own experience as a child is proof too.

Splendour

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think that he should go through the courts, and I think the court orders should be enforced on the mother, unfortunately the system seems reticent to do so.

My neighbour (unmarried) went to court last year to get access to his son as the mother was unwilling to let him see the child. Due to the decision of the court he now has his son every weekend.

pickarooney

Splendour wrote: »

My neighbour (unmarried) went to court last year to get access to his son as the mother was unwilling to let him see the child. Due to the decision of the court he now has his son every weekend.

I don't understand why this situation is generally phrased this way as opposed to "unwilling to let the child see his father" which is just as true and possibly even more unfair. She may have a beef with the ex but why take it out on her kid... that will just never make sense to me.

Klingon Hamlet

pickarooney wrote: »

I don't understand why this situation is generally phrased this way as opposed to "unwilling to let the child see his father" which is just as true and possibly even more unfair. She may have a beef with the ex but why take it out on her kid... that will just never make sense to me.

Because the general public always think of the parents before the child. It's automatic and it's part of the reason why children are the ones who suffer most.

eviltwin

Hate, hate, HATE articles like this..they are so biased and one sided

If its all legit then my heart goes out to the man but we only have one side of the story here and of course he's going to put a spin on it to make himself out to be the victim.

Unless we can hear the mother's side of the story and her reasons for denying him access then we can't really judge the situation properly can we?

Klingon Hamlet

eviltwin wrote: »

Hate, hate, HATE articles like this..they are so biased and one sided

If its all legit then my heart goes out to the man but we only have one side of the story here and of course he's going to put a spin on it to make himself out to be the victim.

Unless we can hear the mother's side of the story and her reasons for denying him access then we can't really judge the situation properly can we?

I agree. However, when you hear about wayward fathers, the same problem applies...you never get the father's point of view.

And guess who never gets their opinion asked? You got it: THE KIDS.

Nevyn

We don't have a child centred system, which is why this happens.

Splendour

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

And guess who never gets their opinion asked? You got it: THE KIDS.

My son had his opinion listened to and is living with his Dad.Problem with situations like this though is that siblings can get split up (as happened in my case )and I really don't think this is fair on children.

Wantobe

The fundamental tenet of irish family law is that all decisions must be made in the best interest of the child.

As a solicitor who practises in family law I can honestly say that I have never ( even in the most difficult circumstances) seen a parent denied either guardianship or access. I have seen addicts ( of many persuasions), parents accused of child abuse, and just plain idiots ( of both sexes) given access. Where the situation is poor supervised access may be given.

So while this kind of article may tug on the heartstrings of those who have children, I would really have to question why any parent who is committed to seeing their child would not pursue their child's legal right to access with them. And yes, it is the child's right-not the parents.

Splendour

pickarooney wrote: »

I don't understand why this situation is generally phrased this way as opposed to "unwilling to let the child see his father" which is just as true and possibly even more unfair. She may have a beef with the ex but why take it out on her kid... that will just never make sense to me.

Well in the situation I mentioned above, the father asked to see the child hence the 'unwilling to let the father see the child'. Had the child been old enough to ask to see his father and the mother was disagreeable to this, then it would be an 'unwilling to let the child see his father' scenario.
At the end of the day though does it matter how it's worded-it's unfair either way...

metrovelvet

Wantobe wrote: »

The fundamental tenet of irish family law is that all decisions must be made in the best interest of the child.

As a solicitor who practises in family law I can honestly say that I have never ( even in the most difficult circumstances) seen a parent denied either guardianship or access. I have seen addicts ( of many persuasions), parents accused of child abuse, and just plain idiots ( of both sexes) given access. Where the situation is poor supervised access may be given.

So while this kind of article may tug on the heartstrings of those who have children, I would really have to question why any parent who is committed to seeing their child would not pursue their child's legal right to access with them. And yes, it is the child's right-not the parents.

It doesnt tug on my heart strings. There was no mention of this man attempting mediation or applying to the courts. He has the power and chooses not to use it.

ElectraBlue

metrovelvet wrote: »

It doesnt tug on my heart strings. There was no mention of this man attempting mediation or applying to the courts. He has the power and chooses not to use it.

I am nearly sure that if he had mentioned anything about Court proceedings he would be in trouble with the judge due to the 'in camera' rule (I'm open to correction here).

smelltheglove

Wantobe wrote: »

I would really have to question why any parent who is committed to seeing their child would not pursue their child's legal right to access with them. And yes, it is the child's right-not the parents.

You make a fair point and obviously have the experience to state it.

I would say here I can out my experience as being the child. I remember going to school a nervous wreck when my parents were going to court, I remember getting the bus home and being so scare of what was going to be waiting for, was I going to have to move, what was going to change. I honestly do believe that if there is any chance of sorting things outside of the courts for the sake of the child it should be done.

It is the children that are left as bystanders in this, and yes they are too young to make the decisions in the majority of the cases but few are asked what they want. I wasnt, I was happy with the result, and better for it but never asked.

Klingon Hamlet

metrovelvet wrote: »

It doesnt tug on my heart strings. There was no mention of this man attempting mediation or applying to the courts. He has the power and chooses not to use it.

There is no mention of him not attempting mediation. If he tried it and she refused, and he mentioned that, then he would only upset her and cause more bitterness by making that part of the situation public.

The simple fact is the law is sexist, cruel and archaic.

Imagine things were reversed: a mom has the baby and the system says, sorry, you're not married, so the dad is the automatic guardian, the primary carer, and you must either agree to sign joint guardianship or you must apply to the courts (which often causes permanent rifts and bitterness.)

Nevyn

Nope
acording to the article he doesn't want to go throught the courts to get his rights.

says Jim, who did not pursue legal guardianship fearing such attempts might alienate his ex-partner.

ash23

Imagine things were reversed: a mom has the baby and the system says, sorry, you're not married, so the dad is the automatic guardian, the primary carer, and you must either agree to sign joint guardianship or you must apply to the courts (which often causes permanent rifts and bitterness.)

If that were the case, I can tell you that I personally would drag the father through every court in the land to get my child. I would find the money somewhere and I would NEVER give up and accept being a bystander in my childs life.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

If that were the case, I can tell you that I personally would drag the father through every court in the land to get my child. I would find the money somewhere and I would NEVER give up and accept being a bystander in my childs life.

Really? You wouldn't whinge to the daily mail about being a victim to yet another woman with a Medea complex?

Klingon Hamlet

metrovelvet wrote: »

Really? You wouldn't whinge to the daily mail about being a victim to yet another woman with a Medea complex?

Sunday World. And from reading it, it seems more to do with the sexist family laws, rather than a whinge. The focus is mainly on the guy'soption: to go tocourt and ask the court's permission to be a dad, which would only further alienate the mom, or be a bit of a cowardandhope for the best.

What I gathered from USFI's Eamonn Quinn's input was:

Laws are sexist,unfair, and anti-children's rights
Alot of moms and dads do their titleproudly
A good deal of moms and dads make bad names for their title

Simplefact is: if dads had equal rights, in other words, no sexual discrimination, instead treating all parents equally, and treating all children equally, then Jimwouldn't have to face such a difficult choice. Regardless of his indecision and non-assertiveness, he loves his child...so...

Why must he ask the court's permission for that love to be formally recognised? I am continuously baffled by this. Why aremoms primary carers? Women are treated equally in society, and rightly so. Now it's time for men and children, unwed or wed, black white or purple, straight or gay, whatever, to get the same.

And I think it's time we as Irish people,rather than say the usual Well that's just the way life is, so suck it up, instead, as one, look at the awful system, and make it right. This article is not a whinge-fest. It's a simple man's side of what is no doubt a two-sided story.

I would like to read the mom's side too.

irishwolfhound

Do U ever think that this man is just trying to highlight this unfair N unjust system that he IS forced to live with?
There r many mothers who love using guys 4 there sperm n getting pregnant by different men so they can live on benifits n get a 3 bed council house????
Think about this.....the man is not there 2 whinge...he is just putting out his side that he loves his daughter n that he is denyed access due 2 a mother who loves using an innocent child n a dirty war!!!
I saw the Sunday World n it really had me n tears as i personally feel 4 this guys pain n suffering.

Klingon Hamlet

irishwolfhound wrote: »

Do U ever think that this man is just trying to highlight this unfair N unjust system that he IS forced to live with?
There r many mothers who love using guys 4 there sperm n getting pregnant by different men so they can live on benifits n get a 3 bed council house????
Think about this.....the man is not there 2 whinge...he is just putting out his side that he loves his daughter n that he is denyed access due 2 a mother who loves using an innocent child n a dirty war!!!
I saw the Sunday World n it really had me n tears as i personally feel 4 this guys pain n suffering.

Yes and there are many men who shirk responsibility. We're not discussing benefit wh0res and rotten man-wimps. We'retalking real parents here, who are blindsided by a bigoted system created over a century ago, and barely reformed since.

Nevyn

irishwolfhound text speak is not allowed on this site.
I suggest that you read the faq for the site www.boards.ie/faq

ash23

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Why must he ask the court's permission for that love to be formally recognised? I am continuously baffled by this. Why aremoms primary carers? Women are treated equally in society, and rightly so. Now it's time for men and children, unwed or wed, black white or purple, straight or gay, whatever, to get the same.

It's simple biology, really.
A woman gives birth. The child comes from her uterus. There is no question of paternity. Not the case with the father. Therefore the woman gets automatic rights unless she and the father agree on joint custody, paternity is established etc.
It's unlikely to change. If it did we'd hear the cries from the men about being duped into being fathers, having duties and responsibilities enforced on them etc etc. You can't please everyone.

Klingon Hamlet

ash23 wrote: »

It's simple biology, really.
A woman gives birth. The child comes from her uterus. There is no question of paternity. Not the case with the father. Therefore the woman gets automatic rights unless she and the father agree on joint custody, paternity is established etc.
It's unlikely to change. If it did we'd hear the cries from the men about being duped into being fathers, having duties and responsibilities enforced on them etc etc. You can't please everyone.

A man can't be duped, he knows how to put on protection, wit the utmost respect I don't think your answer justifies the current predicament. Let the selfish dads arguetheir way out of responsibility, they are in the minority. Instead, allow the majority the legal equality and that will rapidly ease the queues in the courts and allow dads be dads, allow judges face other issues, and will help ease the bitterness overall between ex-partners (no court application = no begrudgery on either side)