Difficult toddler at parenting group

CeNedra

Hi Guys,

Looking for a bit of advise on how to handle what I consider a tricky situation. I have started going to a parent and toddler group with my little one. There is a really nice mother there with a lets say very lively boy. He has hit and pushed my little one on more than one occasion. To be fair his mother is addressing the situation by putting him on time out and then making him apologise.
However, he continues to act up and push my little one and other kids around. I'm on egg shells all the time while there, don't want to stop going but don't really like putting my little one through it either.
I really like his mother, and we have the opportunity to meet up for a play date. However I'm a bit nervous about going to meet them with our kids 1:1 in case he continues to act up and push my little one around.
Should I avoid exposing my little one to him, or how best should I deal with it. He is a testing kind of a fella, goes out of his way to put it up to even the other parents there (sits on their chairs when they get up etc etc). I even saw him hit a little tiny baby on the head quite hard the other week. I saw that happening and gave out to him and took the toy he was playing with off him, but then didn't think that I had dealt with it well. Plus I was embarrassed with ticking off anothers child.... I'm new enough to socalising with parents/kids I don't know so I'm not good at this yet.

Thanks.

smelltheglove

This reminds me of soooo many little boys.... Honestly been there and ignored it, all kids act out at some stage in different ways, my eldest wasnt great around it I have to say as she is very sensitive, she would just avoid, but my youngest was a little oul one telling them off.... I am sure the mother is having a much harder time accepting it than you are and my advice would be whilst you are there to help her in a kind way, i.e. a little ah ah when it is happening, I know when my little one acts up she listens more to strangers and I actually appreciate it if a neighboor says to hear 'no dont do that' as she is afraid of disappointing them, mind what does that say about me:rolleyes: dont think shes bothered at all.

You cant shield your child from everything in life and trust me she is better off with a tough skin, i have one sensitive and one who can stand up for herself and the sensitivity is a lot harder to deal with.

metrovelvet

Its hard to teach your child to defend him or herself against the more aggressive toddler when s/he is sensitive.

What I would do,is the next time it happens, ignore the other child and lavish your child with attention.

If its too bad, I would walk out. You don't have to put up with that, and neither does your child.

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its hard to teach your child to defend him or herself against the more aggressive toddler when s/he is sensitive.

What I would do,is the next time it happens, ignore the other child and lavish your child with attention.

If its too bad, I would walk out. You don't have to put up with that, and neither does your child.

I agree with this action for a start. My niece (3.5yrs) attacked my little one (4yrs) physically recently. In fact in one day she grabbed her by the throat once and hit her twice. She did this when no adult was looking as well:mad:

There was absolutely no reason for these attacks and they were also little sneak attacks where she thought she wouldn't be caught. It was only the fact that my little one told and cried over it, that it was realised as she is a relitively sensitive child.

I did excactly what 'metrovelvet' said above and made a point of denying the niece any attention until she apologised properly after a 10min timeout. It worked v.well for awhile. But it wasn't long before the same behaviour happened again, but this time the attacks were aimed at other family members.

My niece stopped attacking my child after getting a telling off from her parents. But most recently the same niece smacked me in the face with a hard plastic object during harmless play. She also threw the same object at her older male cousin. The lad was on the ground in pain for awhile, this happened to him twice in the same day.

She seems to get enjoyment from the attention she gets from this behaviour i.e. when someone loses the rag and roars at her she gets a genuine kick out of it.

I hope this is only a phase. But I do wonder if it is something more serious? Possibly completely spoiled with no discipline from the parents and I also wonder if she is witnessing some kind of violence at home or elsewhere?

Surely a child of this age does not act out so physically in this way unless it has been experienced / learned in some way?

I would also be interested by anyones opinions on this hitting behaviour as well and how to deal with it.

CeNedra

Thanks guys, will try this for next toddler meeting. When I think about it, it makes sense to me. He has a new baby sister and his mother is obviously doing her best. If I positively reinforce his behaviour when he is good and ignore him and lavish attention on my little one when he acts up, then it makes sense to me that he should start behaving better. I'd really like to help his mother out, she is run ragged with him, is putting great effort into breast feeding her latest baby (and is tied up with this timewise) and probably could do with a bit of a hand herself. I'm sure he is acting up partly due to the new baby in the house as well.
Thanks for the comments.

Deliverance

CeNedra wrote: »

Thanks guys, will try this for next toddler meeting. When I think about it, it makes sense to me. He has a new baby sister and his mother is obviously doing her best. If I positively reinforce his behaviour when he is good and ignore him and lavish attention on my little one when he acts up, then it makes sense to me that he should start behaving better. I'd really like to help his mother out, she is run ragged with him, is putting great effort into breast feeding her latest baby (and is tied up with this timewise) and probably could do with a bit of a hand herself. I'm sure he is acting up partly due to the new baby in the house as well.
Thanks for the comments.

Good on you, I think you are a good friend to this person and will be a positive influence on this little fella (as well as the parent). The negative reinforcement in this case will work well as long as it is not undermined by others.

In my case it worked v.well for my niece briefly as said above, but others didn't act on it, to many variables were involved i.e. other people. In your case it sounds like it will be beneficial. Best of luck.

BostonB

In my limited experience many kids, especially boys go through this phase, some do it longer than others. Especially around the terrible 2's. My only advice is that it can take some time and a lot of patience, to get them to change. Most of the stuff you see on the nanny programs seems to work, eventually. Ditto suggestions above.

nesf

Once the mother is making a genuine effort to correct it I'd go along, the kid will probably grow out of it.

PullOutMethod

The problem is there are too many parents teaching their kids the mantra "never, ever hit anyone".

The real world is not a utopia.
In the real world there are always bullies.
Bullies keep going until they are stopped.

My girls know it's ok to hit someone who hits them first.

nesf

PullOutMethod wrote: »

The problem is there are too many parents teaching their kids the mantra "never, ever hit anyone".

The real world is not a utopia.
In the real world there are always bullies.
Bullies keep going until they are stopped.

My girls know it's ok to hit someone who hits them first.

Yeah but if you tell that to a two year old they'll run up to some kid, hit them and then say "Dada told me so". Or at least mine would. Or he'd go up to kids telling them not to hit him or he'd hit them back. And so on.

Self defence/whatever is for kids with enough cop on to know when not to hit someone. Introducing it before they can grasp this fully is playing with fire.

Deliverance

nesf wrote: »

Yeah but if you tell that to a two year old they'll run up to some kid, hit them and then say "Dada told me so". Or at least mine would. Or he'd go up to kids telling them not to hit him or he'd hit them back. And so on.

Self defence/whatever is for kids with enough cop on to know when not to hit someone. Introducing it before they can grasp this fully is playing with fire.

Well said. The idea of hitting back is detrimental overall, it only leads to tit for tat fights which could become ridiculous. Personally after reading this thread I will be bringing my own child to 'self defence classes' as a learning experience for my child.

Plus as a class that will show her how to fight back via defence only, over actual hitting. Self defence classes once taught in the correct way increase confidence.

BostonB

If you have to teach a child to do any of this, or think you do. Or think you need to bring them to a class. You are talking about a completely different type of child/toddler. Indeed these kids are too young to go any type of class. When they are 5 or 6. But toddlers are 2-3.

nesf

BostonB wrote: »

If you have to teach a child to do any of this, or think you do. Or think you need to bring them to a class. You are talking about a completely different type of child/toddler. Indeed these kids are too young to go any type of class. When they are 5 or 6. But toddlers are 2-3.

Exactly. I will teach my son how to defend himself, and probably any daughters I have. But that's years away. I'd honestly even be hesitant with a 5 year old, never mind a three year old. Self defence is great and a necessary thing for an older child to learn but it's just not at all relevant when we're talking about two year olds. Honestly I'd be hesitant teaching some stuff (where to hit for maximum damage/pain to a person) to anyone under 10 and really it'd be the teenage years before I'd show some stuff to a kid (ways to gouge eyes/how to choke/strangle someone etc).

BostonB

A 2yr old might be a completely different person by 3.5 yrs. Its just a phase, especially for the active ones.

CeNedra

The last meeting didn't go so bad. I actively praised him when he played well. He only hit out once at my little one when he was going home. This may work and I will keep at it for a little while. The kids we are talking about are just gone 2 so I won't be telling them its ok to hit at this stage.

Thanks again for help.

IsThatSo?

Deliverance wrote: »

She seems to get enjoyment from the attention she gets from this behaviour i.e. when someone loses the rag and roars at her she gets a genuine kick out of it.

Attention is attention as far as a child is concerned and if they feel they are not getting any/enough then they will behave in a way to get it. We understand the difference between negative and positive attention, kids don't. The thing to do is completely ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good behaviour. If she is not getting attention for the bad behaviour she will not do it. Mind you, she will turn it up a few notches before she comes to that conclusion, but bear with it, it does work:)