Seperated Parents - Christmas Time

Cookie Jar

Just a quick question to separated parents.

It is my first Christmas as a single mother and tbh I don't know how to handle it really.
My little girl is 22 months. So its a really exciting time for me but of course I don't want to take away the fun for her dad either.

Anyway, the question is.. how much time does your child spend with each parents on Christmas day? And over the holiday in general?

I know every situation is different but would like to know how other parents handle this situation.

jenzz

Sorry to hear its your first christmas apart. Its a very trying time ( believe me) & dont be too hard on yourself if you find it a tough time. Celebrations, birthdays etc can be " trying." Since we seperated its been a 50/50 on most things. As much as i would love to smoother him I have to remember that my little kiddies have 2 parents , mammy & daddy, who each deserve 50%. ( I deserve 1 million % lol but you know what I mean lol lol) As much as I would love to smoother my MIL ( from hell) she is also a 50% nana so I always think of them too same as my own parents. Christmas day is therefore half & half. Santa comes in the morning - fun & games. Daddy is always invited to attend for his half of the santa viewing but always declines since the little angels are up about 4. After brekkie we head to mass with my parents so Granny & Grandad get their 50%. We have dinner with them & they get to give the kids their presents. So granny & grandad are happy. Then after dinner daddy collects them & takes them to nana & grandad for their 50%. I do get upset of course that they arent there all day but i have to look at it from the other side - imagine if I didnt get to see them at all. Sounds very technical indeed but its not. In life I have one rule for my kids - no matter what I am thinking they never caused this mess so keep them out of it. They now if asked will always see it as normal to spend half of any time with either of us. This year I swallowed all pride & wait for it .. I invited him & his GF ( & the unborn bumps) & nana & grandad & granny & grandad as well as BF ex wife & my lot all to do the santa opening christmas morn. Now TG they all declined ( could you honestly imagine lol) but I did it for the kids. Christmas at the end of the day should be all about them & their happiness.
I do understand that every family is of couse different & that its not always as simple as this. But I just try & see it in the kids eyes - they would prob be more upset than my few tears if they didnt get the chance to see their daddy & give him his 50%. Best of luck anyway - its not easy.

Moonbeam

If daddy contributes to Christmas I think it is nice to invite him over Christmas day to share in the childs happiness and excitement.
If he does not then I think it is fair to let the child go to him on Stephens day or after.

smelltheglove

My little girls daddy always pops over on Christmas mornign with his mother and bags of pressies, they usually only stay an hour or so but the she heads off to theirs for Stephens Day.

It is hard but I do believe a child should be in their home for Christmas, I mean, how would she feel if she had to go stay at Daddys and leave all her pressies here and her sister, although I have to admit he has never asked for her to stay at his for Christmas, I think he understands that she wouldnt want to miss out on everything we were doing, we have a routine at Christmas, we go to see all the families whereas his whole family are still under the one roof so they get to see her all together. Although we never lived together my little one would have been around 19 months for our first Christmas without him and I do have to admit that was a hard one, all I can advise is try to keep emotions to yourself as much as possible, be civil with them while they are with you and then get on with the rest of your day, my first one was a disaster but I learnt from it.

lolly22

Hey Cookie jar,

Pretty much in same situation as you, my little one is 23 months now and im bringing her up myself.

I live in a different country to him now but I didnt want to take her away from her dad completely so we agreed our daughter and I would come over and stay with him christmas for a while.

This would not be what most would do im sure but while we have our differences and have pretty much nothing to do with eachother now unless its to do with her, he tells me alot that he misses her so I just felt he wouldnt want to miss out on watching her get excited during christmas and he can spend all that time with her.

It's my first christmas doing this so at the same time if we still cant live under the same roof we'll work something else out.

Like i said it might not be what others would do, every family is different (for my own reasons i moved away but in the back of my mind I think ill always feel that bit of guilt like iv taken her away from her daddy) but iv thought about it and im willing to see how it goes for this christmas.

Just do what you think will be right for you and your family.

It really is an exciting time though, i never realised they could know so much at this age she has a tiny understanding of christmas which i didnt think she would so soon and EVERYONE is Santa now :P, and I know she'll definitely be able to rip up her presents herself

Sorry if i went on a bit

Best of luck with everything:)

stovelid

One of my best friends is separated from his wife and their arrangement is that the kids stay her as normal pre-Christmas week (she has custody), he sleeps over Christmas eve and spends Christmas morning there, and then he has them for the rest of Christmas day until close to new year. The occasional year she takes them to Spain (she's Spanish) for the Christmas.

Seems to work OK for them, but obviously it would not be ideal for everybody.

Cookie Jar

Thanks to everyone for the replies!
I invited dad over to stay christmas eve if he wants and/or chritmas morning (no response yet). He's going to take her for an hour at12 and then I have her for dinner, then I told him he is welcome to come back down in the evening to watch her play with toys ( no response yet either) so we will see how it goes

Thanks again.

jenzz

Cookie Jar wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the replies!
I invited dad over to stay christmas eve if he wants and/or chritmas morning (no response yet). He's going to take her for an hour at12 and then I have her for dinner, then I told him he is welcome to come back down in the evening to watch her play with toys ( no response yet either) so we will see how it goes

Thanks again.

Ah best of luck - if you can just grin & bear him for the little ones sake - Have the hissy fit after hes gone.. but I do hope it goes ok for you xx

peanuthead

Speaking as the daughter of separated parents (although my situation is a little mad) you have to do whatever it takes to make this day run smoothly for her. Because she will remember it if it goes badly, maybe not at 22months but things will just get worse and worse as you go on.

Advice for you: be brave, do remember to take time for yourself, but don't put up with crap from him for her sake - she will remember that too!!

Totally crap advice probably, and probably suitable for a different age, but happy christmas to you!!

lolly22

peanuthead wrote: »

Speaking as the daughter of separated parents (although my situation is a little mad) you have to do whatever it takes to make this day run smoothly for her. Because she will remember it if it goes badly, maybe not at 22months but things will just get worse and worse as you go on.

Advice for you: be brave, do remember to take time for yourself, but don't put up with crap from him for her sake - she will remember that too!!

Totally crap advice probably, and probably suitable for a different age, but happy christmas to you!!

Not crap at all, it's advise ill be sticking too myself

Cookie Jar, I think you've done well with organising it, and atleast she will have you both, these decisions and plans we have to make are'nt always easy, but its worth it for your little one.

Not long to go now

Cookie Jar

peanuthead wrote: »

Speaking as the daughter of separated parents (although my situation is a little mad) you have to do whatever it takes to make this day run smoothly for her. Because she will remember it if it goes badly, maybe not at 22months but things will just get worse and worse as you go on.

Advice for you: be brave, do remember to take time for yourself, but don't put up with crap from him for her sake - she will remember that too!!

Totally crap advice probably, and probably suitable for a different age, but happy christmas to you!!

Not crap at all, your prolly the best one to give advise and its my lil girl I want happy.

Thanks

And thanks lolly... hope things go to plan:pac:
Not long at all

MojoMaker

What's all this about "be brave", "don't put up with crap from him", and "if you can just grin & bear him for the little ones sake"??


Sounds like some very large assumptions are being made in the total absence of any information - is this just a stereotype coming through unintentionally or are separated dads all wasteful bums? Maybe that info was edited out of the initial post

Cookie Jar

MojoMaker wrote: »

What's all this about "be brave", "don't put up with crap from him", and "if you can just grin & bear him for the little ones sake"??

Sounds like some very large assumptions are being made in the total absence of any information - is this just a stereotype coming through unintentionally or are separated dads all wasteful bums? Maybe that info was edited out of the initial post

No nothing was edited from post. I didn't enclose any information about the dad.

And to answer your question, no not all dads are wasteful bums, but there are some out there so yes opinions and advice may differ.

MojoMaker

Sure there is, no doubt about that. But it sounded like a major assumption was being made about the Dad involved in this case despite there being no evidence one way or the other - the fact that he is a separated dad there appeared to be almost an automatic assumption that he was a bum, which drew words of encouragement that seemed out of place - is this just ingrained in the subsequent posters mind for some reason

Nevyn

Even if the Dad is an utter gent there still will be upset feelings and stress and grieving going on esp the first 3 years after a break up of a relationship and a family separating, for both parents.

It is hard to have your ex partner/spouse and co parent over to visit for christmas day as it one of the days of the year which is about ideals and family and when your family is not longer that you can feel like a failure, even if it's for the best and amicable, so it can still be a hard day and you need to make the most of it for the children and then mind yourself afterwards.

Cookie Jar

You quoted from peanuthead's post.
She was speaking from the point of view of a child of separated parents.

I'm assuming all the subsequent posters are speaking from experience. And I don't think they assuming the father is a bum, I think they are assuming that they know its hard being a single parent at Christmas for both parents.

You have taken this the wrong way imo, I never got the impression that anyone was implying the father was a "bum".

shoppergal

My OH's son spends alternate years with us and his mom. The year he's with his mom we drop in for an hour in the morning and vice versa. Works quite well for us.

Eoineo

If you have a listen to this article on Drivetime on RTE1 last week it's well worth it.

http://www.rte.ie/news/2009/1216/drivetime.html

Clinical psychologist talking about Christmas arrangements and children. It's at approx 1 hour 50 mins into the podcast.

Cookie Jar

Eoineo wrote: »

If you have a listen to this article on Drivetime on RTE1 last week it's well worth it.

http://www.rte.ie/news/2009/1216/drivetime.html

Clinical psychologist talking about Christmas arrangements and children. It's at approx 1 hour 50 mins into the podcast.

Ill have a listen later when I get the chance, thanks!

jenzz

MojoMaker wrote: »

Sure there is, no doubt about that. But it sounded like a major assumption was being made about the Dad involved in this case despite there being no evidence one way or the other - the fact that he is a separated dad there appeared to be almost an automatic assumption that he was a bum, which drew words of encouragement that seemed out of place - is this just ingrained in the subsequent posters mind for some reason

No assumption was being made that he was anything apart from her kiddies dad. We have all responded based on our experiences as this is her first christmas alone .But no matter how things are with them like all families either together or seperate tension can mount... Advice to the OP was merely to make the best of a different situation for her little girls sake.