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College Going Son

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  • 04-12-2009 10:34pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, this may seem a small problem but i would like to nip it in the bud before it goes further than it has.

    My son who is 20 and attending UCC, has started to act like a spoilt child, my husband and I have done everything to get him to college like his sister, that is hand him money on a Sunday evening for his week.

    Lately he has decided to get a lift up and down to cork even though a train and bus depart
    Cork for us every 2 hours. My husband and I have told him we do not want him getting a lift as we don't feel its safe and its very awkard for us to collect him this way as there is no set time.

    My husband has lost his patience and is just stopping short of telling him he is being a selfish ****** and telling him to pack his bags.

    I'm at my wits end and would appreciate any advice. Sorry about the essay I would just really any help.


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, I'm confused about your problem. Could you provide more detail? It seems as though you are saying that you and your husband are irritated at the fact that your son would rather get a lift to college than wait for a public transport which is available every two hours. I also take the bus to college, and I get frustrated that the bus only comes every 15 minutes as it's inconvenient. I actually sympathise with your son if he can only get a bus every TWO HOURS!!! I woud definitely be looking for alternatives.

    I understand f you think it's not safe, but presumably your son is now an adult so it might be time to give him a little more freedom - then again, freedom in this regard also means responsibilities, so if he wants to get lifts, then he doesn't need your money (and thus shouldn't accept it on Sundays) or doesn't need you to pick him up at inconvenient times.

    If I've missed the point of your message, then please provide some more detail.


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    #3
    qwertplaywert
    Registered Users Posts: 3,404 ✭✭✭qwertplaywert


    If your paying for him, isn't he saving you money by getting lifts?


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    #4
    The Big Red Button
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,390 ✭✭✭The Big Red Button


    Sounds to me like you're being quite unreasonable!

    Have you any reason to think that this driver is unsafe? Surely at the age of twenty he should have the judgment to make a good call on this himself?

    If you're going to hand over x amount of money to him a week, it should be up to him really how he wants to budget it. If he can save a few euro by getting a lift with someone, it makes sense to me.

    To be fair if you're at your "wits end" with him over this, you must have had a fairly easy ride of it with him so far! :)


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    #5
    spinandscribble
    Registered Users Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    now did he ring you when he got on the bus before to let you know how many hours? is he ringing you now when he gets his lift to let you know how many hours? i don't see much difference except he's saving himself money.
    his lift lets him off where exactly? maybe all he needs is a house key and to take the nearest bus after that to get himself in the door. or set a firm time such as 8pm for you to pick him up and if he's there at 6pm, tough luck he'll have to wait.

    i think you're being unreasonable.


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    #6
    Caspian Gray Jeep
    Posts: 0 ✭ Caspian Gray Jeep


    I actually think you're the one being unreasonable. Why should he have to restrict himself to a bus/train that comes once every two hours when he could get a lift? You said it's awkward for you to make arrangement to collect him when he gets he lift - when was the last time you had to hang around waiting hours for a bus? Which then, if you miss, you have to wait another 2 hours for? I understand you being worried about the lift, but that's not his fault. He's taking what seems to him the cheapest and easiest option, but because it doesn't suit YOU, you're calling him selfish? :confused:


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    #7
    Tawny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 290 ✭✭Tawny


    I imagine there is more to this than simply the lift problem?


    Why do you feel it is not safe to get a lift? Does the driver have a full license?


    Why not let him get a lift if he chooses, but make it clear that you will be able to pick him up at 'x' time, a time when it is convenient for you. Then he can choose to get the lift and wait at the destination, or get the bus.

    If your son has just moved out of home, it’s a very big transition for him. He probably sees himself as an adult, but we all know when you first move away it actually takes a long time to start acting like one. So maybe asking him to pack his bags is not the best response.

    He’s not ready if he is still coming home every weekend anyway. Does he need to come home every weekend? Try to cut the apron strings a bit (for example, don't do his washing for him every weekend - lots of people I knew at uni never washed their own clothes or tidied their own room.) Let him make his own decisions - he will learn much more from them.

    As for the money thing - it’s difficult. No students should be living on handouts from home, but at the mo there are very few part time jobs around. Definitely set a limit on the pocket money he gets and he will learn to live on a budget. He may also be grateful for the help he receives if he realises his parents are making sacrifices for him.


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    #8
    cooperguy
    Registered Users Posts: 2,650 ✭✭✭cooperguy


    Is there another issue beyond the lift? Is there a reason you feel the driver is unsafe? If not I cant really see the problem OP.


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    #9
    Oldfool
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15 ✭Oldfool


    worried1 wrote: »
    My husband and I have told him we do not want him getting a lift as we don't feel its safe and its very awkard for us to collect him this way as there is no set time.

    My husband has lost his patience and is just stopping short of telling him he is being a selfish ****** and telling him to pack his bags.

    I'm at my wits end and would appreciate any advice. Sorry about the essay I would just really any help.

    Simple. Don't collect him when he gets the lift. Let him realise he is putting you out!


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    #10
    MelissaLahive
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭MelissaLahive


    I agree with the other replies. It sounds like you have a problem with him getting a lift and putting you out when in all reality if you had the same options i.e. a lift to work from a friend or taking a combo of busses and trains I'd wager you would make the same decisions.

    Are we all missing something? When you say a lift did you mean that he was thumbing a lift? If thats the case then definitely stop him but throwing him out of the house might just be hurting everyone for no good reason


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    #11
    stovelid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    I assume that the OP is talking about hitching.

    Is it really such a big deal for a 20 year guy to try and hitch a lift?


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    #12
    Gonzales
    Closed Accounts Posts: 314 ✭✭Gonzales


    Tawny wrote: »
    I imagine there is more to this than simply the lift problem?


    +1


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    #13
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    worried1 wrote: »

    Lately he has decided to get a lift up and down to cork even though a train and bus depart
    Cork for us every 2 hours. My husband and I have told him we do not want him getting a lift as we don't feel its safe

    Sounds to me like you haven't let go of your child OP.
    He is 20 years of age, legally an adult now for two years and responsible for himself and his own safety.
    Though it is difficult, you must let go and allow him to make his own mistakes.
    its very awkard for us to collect him this way as there is no set time.

    Then stop collecting him and tell him he can make his own way home from now on.
    My husband has lost his patience and is just stopping short of telling him he is being a selfish ****** and telling him to pack his bags.

    As others have said, there must be more to this than you are saying?
    You are ready to throw your son out of the house because he is getting a lift to college?
    What are you not telling us?


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    #14
    kflynn
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭kflynn


    buy him a car seen as they are going so cheap, and tell him to work for his money each week! i used the excuse of having way too much work to do in my first semester of 1st year, copped on then as i felt so guilty for not really going in to college at all work around 20 hours a week and am getting good results in college too!
    however if it is just that you dont want to give him freedom then i think its the worst thing you could do he will go wild during the week if you try to keep him locked up!


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    #15
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Whats the problem? I presume the person giving him the lift is a mate? Surely he just wants to have a bit of craic on the journey up and have someone to talk to rather than sit on a train on his own just watching the world go by.

    He's not a little boy anymore. At 20 the very least he should be able to do is decide if he wants to drive/take a train home without his parents having a go.

    Time to cut the apron strings I'm afraid


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