should i be worried

LegacyUser

i had my 15 year old niece stay with us over the weekend and shes a really shy girl and when shes over with us she really comes out of her shell, anyway, shes a lovey girl but she had gone home to her folks and she left a copy book behind, in this copy were pictures she had drawn of couples having sex and various sexual acts and there was poetry involving alot of self harm, i just dont know what to do, im thinking 1. shes just a teenager wth a vivid imagination or 2. theres something going on she wont talk about, im really close to her father whos my brother but i dont really want to broach the subject when i shouldnt have been looking at her stuff but im worried now, what should i do??

smelltheglove

There is no doubt in my mind that you whould speak to her, take her out shopping or whatever, make an excuse to be alone with her and then when you get back to the house speak to her, not as an aunt but as a friend, let her know if there was anything going on you would be there for her, if she found it hard to speak to her parents then at least she will know you are there.

There is a 'trend' apparently of self harm, I remember girls I went to school with doing it years back so lets hope thats all it is, but if you go to her parents and there is something more in depth wrong you may close her off completely. I would advise her parents after the fact, give her the opportunity to open up and make your own decision based on what is said and reaction as to whether you think there is anythign deeper, I know usually people will say go to the parents etc but this is a 15 yr old girl who obviously has some sort of issues which she is not discussing and may not want to discuss with her parents, give her the option of coming to you rather than closing her off completely by going directly to her parents without consulting her first. You say she is shy but opens up with you so lets hope you can help her with her issues.

Nevyn

I would suggest giving the notebook to her parents and suggesting they might want to have a look at it.

Moonbeam

I think you need to talk to her,talking to her parents could make matters a lot worse as they might make her feel they are making the situation worse.

bogtotty

I would return the copybook discreetly with a note inside saying you care about her a lot and if she ever needs someone to talk to, you're there for her. I wouldn't speak to your brother just yet, unless there's evidence she has actually been hurting herself. She's 15, the sex thing is totally normal and the self-harm poetry could just be fantasist stuff. Is she a bit dark? Into Twilight, or bands like My Chemical Romance etc? There's def. a whole dark teen subculture where this sort of thing is cool, but most kids dabble around the edges without actually diving in. Having said that, keep an eye on her. Maybe bring her with you on a swimming trip or a spa day - you could surreptitiously check her out for evidence that she is harming herself. And if she refuses, or does anything else worrying, you should get your brother involved then. But do it very gently, anything overt could scare her off at this point, or p1ss her off completely if there's nothing more to it than teenage angst.

Oryx

The interest in sexual images would be normal. The self harm maybe not so, but not all that unusual really, but indicative of her needing someone looking out for her.

I have a fifteen yo neice. If this was her, I would give her back the copybook in person, explain that I looked at it by accident, and tell her shed want to put it away safely.:) Make no big deal of it. Then Id tell her if anything is bothering her, Im there. Id give her space to get over the embarrassment of auntie seeing her intimate book, and at a later date see if she would open up a bit.

I wouldnt tell my brother any details, but I would tell him that she may need some careful handling and looking after, just so he is aware she may have issues. You have to respect that this could just be a fantasy way of venting, after all.

Tim Robbins

username2345 wrote: »

i had my 15 year old niece stay with us over the weekend and shes a really shy girl and when shes over with us she really comes out of her shell, anyway, shes a lovey girl but she had gone home to her folks and she left a copy book behind, in this copy were pictures she had drawn of couples having sex and various sexual acts and there was poetry involving alot of self harm, i just dont know what to do, im thinking 1. shes just a teenager wth a vivid imagination or 2. theres something going on she wont talk about, im really close to her father whos my brother but i dont really want to broach the subject when i shouldnt have been looking at her stuff but im worried now, what should i do??

Can you talk to her parents about it?

OS119

smelltheglove wrote: »

There is no doubt in my mind that you whould speak to her, take her out shopping or whatever, make an excuse to be alone with her and then when you get back to the house speak to her, not as an aunt but as a friend, let her know if there was anything going on you would be there for her, if she found it hard to speak to her parents then at least she will know you are there....

...I know usually people will say go to the parents etc but this is a 15 yr old girl who obviously has some sort of issues which she is not discussing and may not want to discuss with her parents, give her the option of coming to you rather than closing her off completely by going directly to her parents without consulting her first. You say she is shy but opens up with you so lets hope you can help her with her issues.

^^^this^^^

your primary duty is to welfare of the child, not the sensibilities of her parents.

its obvious what you're thinking OP, i thought it 30 seconds after reading your post. apart from ensuring that she knows that she's welcome, safe and assured of discretion, i'm not sure what you can do other than asking her a question that i'm pretty sure you don't want to ask.

nomad4life

I agree with the others who said you need to talk to her. This could be nothing worrisome but it could be so much more. It is possible she left the book on purpose wanting someone to see it....it is possible she is asking for help in a way that is comfortable for her.

I would be very direct in a supportive way rather than a beat around the bush way. Just say you read it and are worried about her and want to talk about how she's been feeling / thinking. If you know anyone else who has self harmed then you can let her know she isn't the only one to feel this way. Find out if it is just thoughts or if she has ever self harmed. Stay calm and don't have a big emotional reaction if she does tell you something.

The sexual thoughts could be developmental and innocent or they could be connected to the self harm writings in that something sexual (assault, abuse or being uncomfortable with a situation) happened leading to the self harm thougths /actions.
Many people who have been sexually assaulted use self harm to cope.

If she is close to one of her parents then you could discuss with her (when you talk to her) that it would be best to involve one/both of her parents so they can support her.

Billiejo

Yes you are right to be worried, and you cannot ignore the warning signs & questions. EG

'Shy girl but not so withdrawn in your company. The jottings - Might she have left them to be found? - Cry for help?.

Young people demonstrate underlying problems & anxieties in their writings and her Welfare is paramount.
Albeit puberty is associated with hightened awareness of sexuality which is normal the picture painted by your description of events is worrying and it needs to be addressed.
As for telling her nearest and dearest. In cases such as this it may not be the sensible thing to do at this moment in time.
You have to talk to her. Tell her you are concerned and as a responsible adult you have to ask 'A Professional' for advice. Has she a school nurse? Or a Public Health nurse attached to her school.
However it is sympathetically handled this cannot be ignored.