House Husband Wife Too Controlling

CDfm

OP - not a nice life.

Frankly you dont have to do any of this stuff, but, you need to decide yourself what type of life you want to lead.

Get with living and that means doing things like applying for a job and enjoy doing so.

Yes -she is controlling but you need to start enjoying life and escape these fears you have.

Standing up for yourself is about decideing about your quality of life. Its not nesscessarily about having a war of attrition.

Start with something like making a list of things you want to do and if your wife is unreasonable about things like picking up the groceries or dry cleaning then tell her.

Getting out of the house even to do shopping though is good.

Getting into a routine of this is important especially when job hunting.

Sign up with FAS and go job hunting!!!!

Get in touch with friends is good too.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

why are you so afraid of her getting angry? She's a woman. She's probably a head shorter than you and 30k lighter. Just let her scream at you and listen to her carefully and then say what Tony Montana said - 'you finished? Can I go now?'

I'd go on strike. Unless she stops insulting you and allows you more of a share in the family finances, don't do anything except the most basic chores. No dusting furniture, no cleaning, just do the cooking and the washing clothes. If she complains about the state of the house, tell her to hire a cleaner. And if you have an interview, tell her that you need 24 hours off to prepare. After all, doesn't she want you to get a job?

And also, if you have any money in your account, move it somewhere. Somewhere she can't get at. Frankly, you don't have much to lose in a divorce since she has most of the family capital?

I have no money in any account. My business folded in debt. The only money I have is what my wife gives me. going on strike would be dangerous. She is about the same height as me and can be violent. Once she hit me twice on the head with a wooden hairbrush because I had put out the wrong skirt on the bed for her. I had bruises on my head and I had to tell everyone a shelf fell on me. She picks up anything which comes to hand and lashes out when she is in a temper. She once swung the feather duster with a bamboo handle full force at me and hit me on the upper arm when I was coming from the shower. That was because I had forgotten to get milk from the shop. The only way to stop her is to be violent back to her. I do not believe in violence against women and she has also threatened that if I ever put a mark on her she would get her brother to seek a barring order against me.
I am not sure if she really wants me to get a job. She goes out with her friends about threee nights a week. I have to drop her off and collect her. She is always buying clothes for herself. A few months ago I asked her for money for an interview suit. She said she couldn't afford it. Two weeks later, when I was cleaning her car, I found a receipt for a dress for €550! she keeps all receipts in her office and does not tell me what she earns. A few years ago she got me to sign legal papers on the house. Her brother came along for dinner with two bottles of wine. After about two hours he produced some legal documents which he said were for resolving a boundary issue in the land registry. I now think that in fact it was a re-mortgage. My brother in law's ex wife told me that when she went looking for a share of their house she was told it was in negative equity, because of a remortgage done at the height of the boom. I think my wife might have done the same and has hidden the money somewhere.

anathea

house husband wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I have always pulled my weight. I do not mind doing chores and of course the one who is at home should do the work. I had been hoping that this is temporary until I get a job. My wife has set rules for doing everything. Furniture must be dusted and polished on Wednesdays, windows cleaned on Thursdays. If I have to go for an interview she demands to know how the chores for that day are going to be done. It is a crime to put off cleanin g the windows by a day. She goes around running her finger over everything and screams if she finds any trace of dirt. If she comes across any dirt she claims that she is being forced to live in a flea pit.
I am worried about a divorce because she is so secretive about money. Her brother is a solicitor and would she fight like a jackal over everything. I used to work in a hostel once and it would frighten me to sleep in one with drug addicts and alcoholics.

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents. She said that the house could not be allowed to fall apart just because we were going to be late at school or whatever.My brotheres were exempt and as a result are terrible around the house. My sister does the same with her two daughters and I do the same with my daughter. Your wife had the house up to her standards when you were working. Now that you are not working she is entitkled to expect the same standards from you. You should take more of an interest in housework and learn to do it better. When your wife sees that she does not have to follow you around checking on everything the atmosphere in the house will become much more relaxed.

Moomoo1

House Husband wrote: »

I have no money in any account. My business folded in debt. The only money I have is what my wife gives me. going on strike would be dangerous. She is about the same height as me and can be violent. Once she hit me twice on the head with a wooden hairbrush because I had put out the wrong skirt on the bed for her. I had bruises on my head and I had to tell everyone a shelf fell on me. She picks up anything which comes to hand and lashes out when she is in a temper. She once swung the feather duster with a bamboo handle full force at me and hit me on the upper arm when I was coming from the shower. That was because I had forgotten to get milk from the shop. The only way to stop her is to be violent back to her. I do not believe in violence against women and she has also threatened that if I ever put a mark on her she would get her brother to seek a barring order against me.
I am not sure if she really wants me to get a job. She goes out with her friends about threee nights a week. I have to drop her off and collect her. She is always buying clothes for herself. A few months ago I asked her for money for an interview suit. She said she couldn't afford it. Two weeks later, when I was cleaning her car, I found a receipt for a dress for €550! she keeps all receipts in her office and does not tell me what she earns. A few years ago she got me to sign legal papers on the house. Her brother came along for dinner with two bottles of wine. After about two hours he produced some legal documents which he said were for resolving a boundary issue in the land registry. I now think that in fact it was a re-mortgage. My brother in law's ex wife told me that when she went looking for a share of their house she was told it was in negative equity, because of a remortgage done at the height of the boom. I think my wife might have done the same and has hidden the money somewhere.

right, violence and getting you to sign things under false pretences.

I'd contact the guards myself.

Look at it rationally: if it breaks down with her, what do you have to lose? You have no money, and very little else to your name. Her and her brother cannot go after you if you ain't got nothing to give.

I'd go on strike, and call the police as soon as she hits you.

CDfm

House Husband wrote: »

I have no money in any account. My business folded in debt. The only money I have is what my wife gives me. going on strike would be dangerous. She is about the same height as me and can be violent.

If you are expeiencing violence maybe you should contact Amen as they run a help group details on www.amen.ie

Its wrong to use retalitory violence but its also wrong for you not to open your mouth and say what is acceptable and not.

EDIT - if the house is remortgaged why not ring the bank and find out. Thats fairly easy to do or call into them for a statement.

Glowing

OP you really need to TAKE control of your life!! You are your wife's skivy, nothing more. She has absolutely no respect for you. She sounds like a right cow to be honest.

jam_mac_jam

You must get help, I would echo what others have said about amen. This is domestic violence and you need help to get out. You need to get away from this woman as soon as you can. Do you have any family or close friends who you could go to, you have nothing to loose, if you break up with her you will not be reliant on her and she will have nothing over you.

CDfm

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

You must get help, I would echo what others have said about amen. This is domestic violence and you need help to get out. You need to get away from this woman as soon as you can. Do you have any family or close friends who you could go to, you have nothing to loose, if you break up with her you will not be reliant on her and she will have nothing over you.

That is very ill minformed .He would have something to loose like right to residence in the house and potentially his rights to spousal maintenence too.

He would have limited rights to benefits or housing by voluntarily becoming homeless.

So OP no kneejerk reactions before getting proper advice.

jam_mac_jam

CDfm wrote: »

That is very ill minformed .He would have something to loose like right to residence in the house and potentially his rights to spousal maintenence too.

He would have limited rights to benefits or housing by voluntarily becoming homeless.

So OP no kneejerk reactions before getting proper advice.

That is why I am telling him to go and talk to Amen which will help him and give him better info that I can. They are used to these situations and will be able to help.

I think the best advice in this situation is that he goes and talks to experts who will help him, I hardly see how that is kneejerk but you are entitled to your opinion.

CDfm

Sorry jam_mac_jam.

I agreed about going to Amen, but, posted to discourage him from moving out as a reaction.

Anyone who is subjected to abuse should discuss it with someone even their doctor.

OP - can you get on any FAS courses as they might do you some good-retraining or jobhunting - you would get an allowance and also apply for Unemplyment Assistance which is means tested.

It is a basic right to have some money and if you are running the house you should have some discretion on how its done and how the budget is spent.

Joey the lips

Hi OP Just reverse the rolls and imagine you were reading it in a magazine. Or better still imagine its your son or daughter writing. what would you say to them

You really need to talk and explain that while you dont mind doing everything. There is a fine line between doing it and expecting it done.

dellas1979

You need a plan man to get out of there!

What is the worst thing that could happen if you said "no" or "Im leaving" - shes already abusing you physically and mentally.

Im not sure though if you are you looking to leave her - if you had the chance, would you?

extrinzic

Man.. face it. You have nothing.

Now for the good news, you have nothing to lose. Get out now, tonight.

LegacyUser

My business collapsed because a customer introduced by my brotherin law ran up a huge bill and did not pay it. My brotherin law persuaded me to hold off on suing for the money. The next thing, the bnk appointeda reciever. After that a liquidator came in. There are a number of legal actions arising out of the collapse of the business. I have been sued personally twice. My brother in law has managed to deal with them on the basis of limited liability. He has warned me that I could go to jail if there are unsatisfied judgements against me. He says that the liquidator has told him that there are at least three more actions on th way. My wife claims t have given money to her brother to pay for his work. She says she is morally obliged to. She never paid him before for any work he did for her.
She is constantly complaining that she may have to bale me out from my business debts. She says the least I can do is make myself useful. Being useful goes beyond sharing household chores. On Saturdays I have to clean her car inside and out before she goes playing golf. I have to load up all ofher golfing gear for her. when she gets back I have to take everthing out of the car and clean and wipe it al down before putting it neatly away. Meantime she sits in the sittingroom with a glossy magazine relaxing after her hard week of earning money to keep me!
I cannot afford another solicitor and I am scared of going to jail. Until i get a job and can pay off my debts I am stuck. When my business collapsed a lot of people I was friendly with lost money because the reciever would not pay their bills. As a result I am very embarrassed at meeting my friends and am very isolated.

opinion guy

House Husband wrote: »

Whenever I was calling around she would ring and ask "would you be an angel, I have no tights for tomorrow. Would you pick up a pair." After we moved in together I found a drawer with 50 unopened pairs of tights in it.

That's pretty crazy. From the sounds of it OP this woman and her family have some serious serious issues.

[quote=[Deleted User];63465644]She sounds like a wagon alright but we are only getting one side of the story. Are you pulling your weight around the house, OP? Getting up to make her breakfast is extreme, but a while ago I was living with an ex and not paying rent for a few months, due to an issue I was having with the revenue. I did pretty much all of the housework, cooking, shopping, everything, and I was working full time, more than my ex. I just felt like it was the least I could do since he was basically supporting me, and I still feel that way now. If I had had no job at all, I would have done even more, including washing his clothes and stuff. Why not? If he was providing almost all the income, why wouldn't I have done pretty much all the chores? You said she expects you to have dinner prepared, well, I don't see what's wrong with that. My parents expect me to have dinner prepared when I'm home all day and they're not. Who lets someone come in from work and start peeling vegetables? And she expects you to do the grocery shopping, well again, so what? So what if you have to walk, unless it's literally about 5 miles away? She might pass the shops in her car but why should she have to go shopping after work when you don't work? The fact you think these things are unreasonable makes me wonder.

If you have not exaggerated her cruel comments and the more ridiculous demands like laying out her clothes, it might be time to call it a day. But do think about why she might be behaving like this, if you say she isn't a cruel person. I have to admit, I can be pretty mean when I'm stressed and tired, and if I was working to support myself and someone else, I would expect chores to be done. It's just basic decency. If I came home and had to do housework while someone had been sitting in all day, I'd be snappy. It's possible that she is just a mean b1tch but since you asked for advice, this might be another perspective for you.[/quote]

I'm sorry but I find this post to be quite inappropriate and unhelpful. The OP is clearly a victim of domestic and emotional abuse. Just because he's a man does not mean he's automatically lazy around the house.


OP I think you should contact that amen crowd as soon as possible. This is a situation in which you have little control and is very serious. You need the help of people who deal with these things all the time. I would also involve the guards next time she hits you with something - particularly if you are left with marks and injuries. This woman beats you with whatever is nearest. How long before she really injures you ? How long before you lose your patience and hurt her back ? You absolutely should not tolerate this in the slightest. But I would be careful - she sounds like she woulndt be beyond making up false claims against you. This is why you shoudl talk to amen the people with experience dealign with these kind of peopel

I also want to say this - you've said stuff like "She is a wonderful person when things are going her way but vicious when she does not get her own way."

No mate. Do you really think she is a wonderful person or are you just making excuses ? It would be easy for me to give a list of expletives to describe her, but perhaps not effective. Lets be objective and straight up. Your wife is an emotionally, physically and financially abusive, cold hearted and calculating woman who treats you like her personal man-slave - you need to face up to that and accept it and then get yourself out of that situation.

Moomoo1

you say you have relatives abroad? Then go there. These people have ruined you, and are now exploiting you further. Go abroad and try to rebuild your life there.

extrinzic

That’s a very difficult situation, I’m sorry for you. Have you received financial advice from an independent party? I would be wary of basing decision solely on the advice of this brother in law and your wife. Both seem to be covering their asses better than you have, and have not offered any solution except to sit tight. The mess you are in must be very isolating, and there will be no straight forward way of escaping it. The best you can do now is understand the situation as best you can. Have you contacted any debt help agencies, such as http://www.debtadvice.ie/ . If you are going to contact them, tell them the full extent of the problem. You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last. Now here is the thing, you have made some bad decisions, and you have had some bad luck. Going to jail is scary, and I would be terrified to be in your shoes. But you are going to deal with this situation, one way or the other. How it plays out can change depending on the choices you make. Your wife and brother in law do not seem to be on your side. You need to defend yourself, and this means taking responsibility for yourself. There is information out there, support groups out there. Good luck.

KC JONES

OP contact FLAC for free legal advice.

www.flac.ie

Given what you said about your wife I would not trust anything her brother said

CDfm

OP -get on to a help group.

You do sound fairly isolated and down in the dumps -so you should consider a doctors visit too.

KC JONES

OP
Local authority may be able to put you up in temp accommodation/bed&breakfast. Also try HSE and citizens info. Where in the country are you? There are more facilities in Dublin area
Do contact Amen

opinion guy

Just read your latest post OP.
F**kin hell thats a right Machiavellian lot you've gotten stuck with. Definitely check out the free legal aid thing. Frankly your wife's brother sounds like a shady character in and of himself. Do you have records of everything ? To be honest some of the stuff you are saying sounds legally and ethically shady on the part of the wife and her brother. You need help. Speak to the Amen people and speak tot he free legal aid people

LegacyUser

Dear House husband,

AMEN is a voluntary organisation which provides a confidential helpline, information and a support service for male victims of domestic abuse.

AMEN offer information on legal and other remedies, one to one meetings, support group meetings, counselling and court accompaniment service.

The organisation also campaigns for greater recognition and support services for male victims from political and statutory bodies and for the inclusion of men, men’s groups and men’s experiences in the formulation of relevant social policy and legislation.

In 2005 the National Crime Council found that only 1 in 20 men reported abuse to the Gardai.

Amen Helpline 046-9023718, www.amen.ie and info@amen.ie

Fox McCloud

I know your counting on getting a job to sort out your situation right now, I would advise not waiting untill then. I'm not sure you will be allowed to get a job and keep it if your wife does not want you to get one. She wants complete control over you, and right now she has it 100% by making you trapped financially. I think your best bet is get all the legal advise and councilling services you can get from the above mentioned websites. Then when you know where you stand legally, reach out for help from you siblings. Go abroad get any job, bar work what ever and sort youself out emotionally.

I'm guessing alot of damage has been done to your self esteem for you to even contemplate staying with your abuser. You need space and distance from this abuse to even begin to heal.

Lollipops23

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents. She said that the house could not be allowed to fall apart just because we were going to be late at school or whatever.My brotheres were exempt and as a result are terrible around the house. My sister does the same with her two daughters and I do the same with my daughter. Your wife had the house up to her standards when you were working. Now that you are not working she is entitkled to expect the same standards from you. You should take more of an interest in housework and learn to do it better. When your wife sees that she does not have to follow you around checking on everything the atmosphere in the house will become much more relaxed.

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.


OP, your "wife" is a slavedriver. There is no love there. She's adusing you, manipulating you and possibly trying to hide her money from you in case of divorce. Please get out now, any way is better than this. Think about it,you could starve if she decided so. GET OUT.

PS: you were plied with alcohol before signing the paperwork,I'm pretty sure that renders them useless.

opinion guy

Lollipops23 wrote: »

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.

+1000

KC JONES

Lollipops23 wrote: »

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.
.

Also +1000 the OP needs support, well said Lollipops

KC JONES

Lollipops23 wrote: »

PS: you were plied with alcohol before signing the paperwork,I'm pretty sure that renders them useless.

Very good point OP, be sure to get legal advice. FLAC have 'clinics' around the country if you cannot get to Dublin.

CDfm

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents..

Just out of interest did the punishment involve physical violence and did your mother mete out similar punishment to her husband.

Dont you think being late for school if a chore is not finished properly is a bit much and how do you punish your kids and husband??

Wagon

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents. She said that the house could not be allowed to fall apart just because we were going to be late at school or whatever.My brotheres were exempt and as a result are terrible around the house. My sister does the same with her two daughters and I do the same with my daughter. Your wife had the house up to her standards when you were working. Now that you are not working she is entitkled to expect the same standards from you. You should take more of an interest in housework and learn to do it better. When your wife sees that she does not have to follow you around checking on everything the atmosphere in the house will become much more relaxed.

Are you his wife by any chance?

OP, get out of there. I'd almost say just run to a different country! **** the legal side, just get the hell away from them.

LegacyUser

I cannot believe what I am reading. You poor man OP. Your life sounds so awful. Your 'wife' sounds like a domineering, horrible, abusive woman. You MUST do yourself a favour and get your life back. You can't stay with her just because you don't have a job.

It sounds like herself and her brother are conspiring against you. You don't have a hope if you don't get help (this guy is a solicitor, he probably has his back covered). There has to be somewhere you can get emergency accomodation. What about one of your friends? Can you explain this situation to one of them in confidence. If you were my friend OP, I'd have you sleeping on my couch rather than putting up with that mental torture.

Please pack up all your things and get out of there. PLEASE. Do it tomorrow while she is at work if you don't want to face the backlash.

Someone already suggested Fas, can you sign up for a course there and see if you can get a weekly payment for yourself? At least you could support yourself and rent a room somewhere. Start looking into your options ASAP.

At the very least ring those helplines!!!