House Husband Wife Too Controlling

opinion guy

Just read your latest post OP.
F**kin hell thats a right Machiavellian lot you've gotten stuck with. Definitely check out the free legal aid thing. Frankly your wife's brother sounds like a shady character in and of himself. Do you have records of everything ? To be honest some of the stuff you are saying sounds legally and ethically shady on the part of the wife and her brother. You need help. Speak to the Amen people and speak tot he free legal aid people

LegacyUser

Dear House husband,

AMEN is a voluntary organisation which provides a confidential helpline, information and a support service for male victims of domestic abuse.

AMEN offer information on legal and other remedies, one to one meetings, support group meetings, counselling and court accompaniment service.

The organisation also campaigns for greater recognition and support services for male victims from political and statutory bodies and for the inclusion of men, men’s groups and men’s experiences in the formulation of relevant social policy and legislation.

In 2005 the National Crime Council found that only 1 in 20 men reported abuse to the Gardai.

Amen Helpline 046-9023718, www.amen.ie and info@amen.ie

Fox McCloud

I know your counting on getting a job to sort out your situation right now, I would advise not waiting untill then. I'm not sure you will be allowed to get a job and keep it if your wife does not want you to get one. She wants complete control over you, and right now she has it 100% by making you trapped financially. I think your best bet is get all the legal advise and councilling services you can get from the above mentioned websites. Then when you know where you stand legally, reach out for help from you siblings. Go abroad get any job, bar work what ever and sort youself out emotionally.

I'm guessing alot of damage has been done to your self esteem for you to even contemplate staying with your abuser. You need space and distance from this abuse to even begin to heal.

Lollipops23

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents. She said that the house could not be allowed to fall apart just because we were going to be late at school or whatever.My brotheres were exempt and as a result are terrible around the house. My sister does the same with her two daughters and I do the same with my daughter. Your wife had the house up to her standards when you were working. Now that you are not working she is entitkled to expect the same standards from you. You should take more of an interest in housework and learn to do it better. When your wife sees that she does not have to follow you around checking on everything the atmosphere in the house will become much more relaxed.

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.


OP, your "wife" is a slavedriver. There is no love there. She's adusing you, manipulating you and possibly trying to hide her money from you in case of divorce. Please get out now, any way is better than this. Think about it,you could starve if she decided so. GET OUT.

PS: you were plied with alcohol before signing the paperwork,I'm pretty sure that renders them useless.

opinion guy

Lollipops23 wrote: »

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.

+1000

KC JONES

Lollipops23 wrote: »

:eek: are you for real? this is his wife not his mother. it's not her place to "train" him. It sounds like he's busting his hump to keep the place nice and his payment is to get beaten up. The "atmosphere" is one of fear right now because she's a sadistic cow.
.

Also +1000 the OP needs support, well said Lollipops

KC JONES

Lollipops23 wrote: »

PS: you were plied with alcohol before signing the paperwork,I'm pretty sure that renders them useless.

Very good point OP, be sure to get legal advice. FLAC have 'clinics' around the country if you cannot get to Dublin.

CDfm

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents..

Just out of interest did the punishment involve physical violence and did your mother mete out similar punishment to her husband.

Dont you think being late for school if a chore is not finished properly is a bit much and how do you punish your kids and husband??

Wagon

anathea wrote: »

O/p it sounds like you are a victim of the Irish mammy. When I was younger myself and my sister were assigned chores by our mother on a weekly basis. If a chore was missed or not done properly there would be a failrly strict punishment. Our mother trained us to have a time and a day for everything and if we were not there to do it we had to make arrangemnents. She said that the house could not be allowed to fall apart just because we were going to be late at school or whatever.My brotheres were exempt and as a result are terrible around the house. My sister does the same with her two daughters and I do the same with my daughter. Your wife had the house up to her standards when you were working. Now that you are not working she is entitkled to expect the same standards from you. You should take more of an interest in housework and learn to do it better. When your wife sees that she does not have to follow you around checking on everything the atmosphere in the house will become much more relaxed.

Are you his wife by any chance?

OP, get out of there. I'd almost say just run to a different country! **** the legal side, just get the hell away from them.

LegacyUser

I cannot believe what I am reading. You poor man OP. Your life sounds so awful. Your 'wife' sounds like a domineering, horrible, abusive woman. You MUST do yourself a favour and get your life back. You can't stay with her just because you don't have a job.

It sounds like herself and her brother are conspiring against you. You don't have a hope if you don't get help (this guy is a solicitor, he probably has his back covered). There has to be somewhere you can get emergency accomodation. What about one of your friends? Can you explain this situation to one of them in confidence. If you were my friend OP, I'd have you sleeping on my couch rather than putting up with that mental torture.

Please pack up all your things and get out of there. PLEASE. Do it tomorrow while she is at work if you don't want to face the backlash.

Someone already suggested Fas, can you sign up for a course there and see if you can get a weekly payment for yourself? At least you could support yourself and rent a room somewhere. Start looking into your options ASAP.

At the very least ring those helplines!!!

KC JONES

Bindolina wrote: »

At the very least ring those helplines!!!

OP let us know how you got on

Nevyn

The op is not a child he is an adult and his wife does not have the right to treat him in such a manner.

It sounds like your wife is anger in the change in money and status which has come about from the collapse of the business and is taking it out on you. If she can not be mediated with or reasoned with then you may need to leave for your sanities sake.

opinion guy

Thaedydal wrote: »

The op is not a child he is an adult and his wife does not have the right to treat him in such a manner.

It sounds like your wife is anger in the change in money and status which has come about from the collapse of the business and is taking it out on you. If she can not be mediated with or reasoned with then you may need to leave for your sanities sake.

Yes I'd say you are right about the anger thing there but I get teh impression his wifes issues are much longer standing than just since the business collapsing.

anathea wrote: »

I am not the o/p's wife. My husband works full time outside the home. I work on job sharing. My husband is very poor around the house, just like my brothers. I do about 90% of the housework. I find that if I leave something to my husband to do, I end up doing it myself anyway. If I was working full time and he was at home I can see that I could become frustrated.
My mother alwyas said, " a housekeeper is trained, not born".

We were punished with love and it did not do us any harm. The punishments varied in severity according to our ages and the seriousness of the lapse. It would be very severe if we told lies about a chore and pretended we had done it if it was not done.
My mother of course did not punish my father. Men were exempt from all housework in our house just like most of my friends houses.
We were never late getting to school. Chores before school had to be finished in plenty of time. What I meant was that if we were doing any extra curricular things after school, such as swimming or music, we could not let the chores go undone. We had to swap around or offer to do another chore and be excused.

"We were punished with love and it did not do us any harm." is kind of a messed up oxymoron in and of itself. anathea, I don't mean to be smart but its coming across from your posts that maybe you do harbour some inner scars at your experiences, but I would say to you that your expereinces aren't really the same or relevant to the OP's - and after all we are here to help him ?

CDfm

anathea wrote: »

I am not the o/p's wife. My husband works full time outside the home. I work on job sharing. My husband is very poor around the house, just like my brothers. I do about 90% of the housework. I find that if I leave something to my husband to do, I end up doing it myself anyway. If I was working full time and he was at home I can see that I could become frustrated.
My mother alwyas said, " a housekeeper is trained, not born".

I am not suggesting you are but I dont agree with smacking kids- and it was an unfair pop.

That aside - you do raise what I think is a very valid point that his wife may be fraustrated if the OP is not enthusiastic and does things sloppily he may be inviting criticism in the only way the wife knows how.

I reckon that at some part of this OP is you feeling very sorry for yourself and your business going belly up.

There is a part of me that is saying that nothing is going to happen unless you OP gets of you backside and does something. Be it a fas course or even working in McDonalds .

Now I am not being mean here ,but, OP you cant blame everyone else and if your wife is fraustrated at events maybe you are contributing to it somewhat.

On the recession - loads of businesses went bust and if your brother in law introduced you to a profitable customer would you have given him the profit.Your brother is managing the situation with the creditors. He seems to be doing an adequete job of it.

Business people understand that businesses go broke and that small businesses went under when the big guys crashed.So you need to come to terms with this and your ego being a bit bruised.

You also dont need a brand new suit for a job interview you need enthusiasm. There is a recession on and people will understand if you are not in a new suit.

Its up to you to get up in the morning and try to make the best of life too OP.

I mean if you are depressed and cant get motivated and are blaming everyone else maybe your wife cant deal with this either.

So yes while your wife may be over the top - maybe you havent been easy to deal with/live with..

Moomoo1

she hit him leaving a bruise. Is that just 'over the top'?

Fox McCloud

Bollox to that hes already said she is phisically violent with him.
She uses her status as a woman rather that brute strength to stop him fighting back, thats the only difference from a 'typical' female victim/male abuser situation.
She is the problem here, you need to get out

KC JONES

Fox McCloud wrote: »

Bollox to that hes already said she is phisically violent with him.
She uses her status as a woman rather that brute strength to stop him fighting back, thats the only difference from a 'typical' female victim/male abuser situation.
She is the problem here, you need to get out

+1
CDfm =nonsense

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

she hit him leaving a bruise. Is that just 'over the top'?

Fox McCloud wrote: »

Bollox to that hes already said she is phisically violent with him.
She uses her status as a woman rather that brute strength to stop him fighting back, thats the only difference from a 'typical' female victim/male abuser situation

I dont believe there is an excuse for violence and I do think she was wrong but if the wife was posting she might have a different story and might post that the OP has been sitting around the house for 12 months since his business went bust.

I am not defending what she did just pointing out that the OP has responsibility for the quality of his and their quality of life too and shouldnt blame her for everything or indeed her brother as if the recession was their fault. There has to be some balance and I would like to think the OP can recognise if he is being to self-indulgent in his blame or "if only Brother in law didnt introduce X this wouldnt have happened".

KC JONES

CDfm wrote: »

I dont believe there is an excuse for violence and I do think she was wrong but if the wife was posting she might have a different story and might post that the OP has been sitting around the house for 12 months since his business went bust.

I am not defending what she did just pointing out that the OP has responsibility for the quality of his and their quality of life too and shouldnt blame her for everything or indeed her brother as if the recession was their fault. There has to be some balance and I would like to think the OP can recognise if he is being to self-indulgent in his blame or "if only Brother in law didnt introduce X this wouldnt have happened".

I don't think she could say anything that would excuse her behaviour as described by Op

CDfm

KC JONES wrote: »

I don't think she could say anything that would excuse her behaviour as described by Op

I agree.

But I also would like the OP to come up and be decisive about doing stuff. If the marriage does finish he will not have anyone to blame on other things. So the OP should be getting on with it looking for work and Fas courses etc to improve his lot in life.

KC JONES

CDfm wrote: »

I agree.

But I also would like the OP to come up and be decisive about doing stuff. If the marriage does finish he will not have anyone to blame on other things. So the OP should be getting on with it looking for work and Fas courses etc to improve his lot in life.

I don't see anything in his post that would infer he would seek "anyone to blame on other things"

OP let us know how you are doing, if you have followed advice, called the helpline etc

stackerman

house husband wrote: »

If she finds anything which is not washed, pressed and folded absolutely perfectlt she throws it at me and screams at me until I apologise and do it properly.

Holy [EMAIL="S@.T"]S@.T[/EMAIL]
Move out and start again, It will not be easy but you will never regret it !
Nutter

opinion guy

CDfm wrote: »

I agree.

But I also would like the OP to come up and be decisive about doing stuff. If the marriage does finish he will not have anyone to blame on other things. So the OP should be getting on with it looking for work and Fas courses etc to improve his lot in life.

CDfm if this were a woman posting saying her husband insisted she spent all her days doing the housework to exacting standards, beat her if this wasn't done, refused to let her have her own money, obstructed her in searching for a job, kept all the mortgage in his own name after plying her with drink, whose brother stopped her from suing his shady business associates (sounds VERY shady to me) resulting in her business going bust. Would you be telling her to pull her socks up and get on with it or would you be telling her to get professional help ?????

This is a severe and clearcut case of spousal abuse as described by the OP.

Yes there are two sides to every story, but if the OP has come on here exaggerating this or making it up then I would think he would have other more complicated problems so I would consider that we should take the OP at his word. (In fact if the story the OP has told us is accurate, I would imagine he has been making excuses for his wife for a long time, he has probably never told anyone else and is likely not telling us the full extent of the abuse - in which case being told to pull his socks up would likely not be too helpful).

CDfm

opinion guy wrote: »

CDfm if this were a woman posting saying her husband insisted she spent all her days doing the housework to exacting standards

This is a severe and clearcut case of spousal abuse as described by the OP.

.

I do agree that its a case of spousal abuse and the OP seems to be getting a raw deal here.

Now, on his company going bust and a liquidator being appointed the OP was happy to do business and most businesses would view it as extremely risky to rely on one client. So my view here is that the OP made a mistake that he can hardly blame others for. The business was not viable on its own. I work in sales and if I relied on one client to do business with me I would be in a very vulnerable situation. There is an unprecedented recession on here.The OP should know his business well enough to know if there was a value in it.

The next part of it people dont like to hear and that is that men get a bad deal in the family courts and it may be that the OP should consider this too. He is within his rights to obtain a barring order or safety/protection order.But what would the consequences be? Maybe he should bide his time.I reckon that there is a risk that he would find himself on the streets.

I am afraid that the best the OP can do for now is to try to make the best of a bad situation. That includes contacting AMEN but also doing other practical things like job hunting and trying to get on a FAS scheme. Its not unusual for an abuse victim to be depressed so he also may need help there. Those are practical things he can do to get on with living.

LegacyUser

I checked with FLAC. They do not deal with business debts at all. They did confirm that it was possible to be jailed arising out of a civil debt. FLAC did say they could help with the divorce but I would have to fill in a form and wait in the queue. It seems that I am snookered. If I move out of the house my brother in law will stop defending me against the lawsuits. If I leave the country I would never be able to come back.
I need a new suit. I have lost over three stone since the business collapsed. No more lunches or pints at the weekend. I look like a scarecrow in my old suits.My wife only gives me €20 a week for myself and that goes on toiletries and travelling to interviews.
I can't take a job in McDonalds or FAS. My wife would flip. She is very status-conscious.
Last night she went out for a meal with her friends, leaving me basically eating leftovers from Sunday. She rang me to collect her at 1.45 AM. When I got to the hotel they were in they were all pretty tipsy. I had to drive them all home. When we got home my wife wanted sex, which she often does after being drinking. I did not sleep until after 4 AM.
Her brother is good at his job but has a bad name. One of his former secretaries worked with my sister a few years ago. He was the boss from hell. He even blackmailed her into sleeping with him. She had to sign a confidentiality agreement and was afraid to talk about anything which went on in his office. She was still terrified of him.
The reciever came into my business at 8.00 one morning. When I gort to the door I was refused entry and sent home. I rang my wife and told her. When she got home that evening she announced the new regime and immediately stopped doing her laundry, shopping and preparing meals etc.
I have an interview in January and just hope it goes well.

PopUp

OP your posts have really changed from your first ones. Then you were defending your wife. Now in every post you outline exactly how she is mistreating, isolating, and abusing you. You seem to have a very good grasp on what she's done and why she's doing it.

That is great. Realising what's going on is the first and most important step. You have broken out of the most dangerous thought pattern an abused person can be in, which is that 'I'm useless, I deserve this'. You know that you are not worthless, and that the situation you are in is not wholly your fault. You can see exactly how your wife and her brother are isolating you.

Now you need to take the next step. People have been asking you for pages to contact AMEN. This sort of thing is why they are there. Why don't you give them a ring?

CDfm

House Husband wrote: »

I checked with FLAC. They do not deal with business debts at all. They did confirm that it was possible to be jailed arising out of a civil debt.

True

I need a new suit. I have lost over three stone since the business collapsed. No more lunches or pints at the weekend. I look like a scarecrow in my old suits.My wife only gives me €20 a week for myself and that goes on toiletries and travelling to interviews.

I can't take a job in McDonalds or FAS. My wife would flip. She is very status-conscious.

Now thats plain silly - explore your options first and get back in the workforce

Last night she went out for a meal with her friends, leaving me basically eating leftovers from Sunday. She rang me to collect her at 1.45 AM. When I got to the hotel they were in they were all pretty tipsy. I had to drive them all home. When we got home my wife wanted sex, which she often does after being drinking

If you are loking after the house you need to have a budget to run the house off.


. I

Her brother is good at his job but has a bad name.

be glad he is on your side

One of his former secretaries worked with my sister a few years ago. He was the boss from hell. He even blackmailed her into sleeping with him. She had to sign a confidentiality agreement and was afraid to talk about anything which went on in his office. She was still terrified of him

None of your business and stop listening to rumours.

The reciever came into my business at 8.00 one morning. When I gort to the door I was refused entry and sent home. I rang my wife and told her.

How was this news to you about the reciever??

I have an interview in January and just hope it goes well.

Get a suit taken in or buy a suit at the Vincent de Paul.

You should be registered with FAS anyway and if you are not do so straight away.

LostinBlanch

OP sorry to hear of your problems.

You mention that your wife gave you bills to pay, all except the mortgage. Did these come out of your account? Were they paid by cheque etc? You may need to have access to these if you do end up leaving, and there are court proceedings. That way you could argue that you were contributing to the household, and that could be a way to argue for a lien on the house. Also you say that the mrotgage money was paid directly out of her account, did you give her money towards that? If so was it always cash or cheque etc? Basically you're looking for a paper trail, the more you get the the better position you are in.

Also if the house was remortgaged without your full informed consentthat could be cause for complaint to the law society. Not that i'd hold out for much with that. Re the possible remortgage are you liable for any debts from them?

Take the other advice from posters on here, talk to amen, talk to others, get legal advice, sign up with Fas, even get onto a training scheme that should give you some kind of income I think (I don't know what they pay). Then you can use that to try and have some rainy day money.

Anyway good luck with it.

Jo King

CDfm wrote: »

True



Now thats plain silly - explore your options first and get back in the workforce

If you are loking after the house you need to have a budget to run the house off.

Tell that to the o/ps wife

. I

CDfm wrote: »

be glad he is on your side

He is, maybe, as long as the o/p does as the o/p's wife says.

CDfm wrote: »

How was this news to you about the reciever??

Receivers show up unnanounced and take over premises and stock. They only tell the people in the business after. Nothing unusual about the o/p not knowing anything beforehand.


The o/p should investigate his wifes financial affairs before leaving. The money must be somewhere. The o/ps' wife seems to be still able to lead a good lifestyle despite the loss of the o/p's income. There must be a lot of money salted away, together with the money from the re-mortgage.
O/P can you get into your wife's office on a Saturday when she is playing golf and check her files and take copies? Try and get information from her when she has been drinking. Over Christmas, give her something stronger than usual.

CDfm

Jo King wrote: »

Tell that to the o/ps wife

.
He is, maybe, as long as the o/p does as the o/p's wife says.

The OP should register for everything available and there is no point in projecting her reaction until something actually happens. It is not in her best interests not to have a two income household no matter how low the wage is.

Anyway -if she insists he does not do so -he will be in a stronger position to claim maintenance. Anyway any job or job offer would do the OP good.

Receivers show up unnanounced and take over premises and stock. They only tell the people in the business after. Nothing unusual about the o/p not knowing anything beforehand.

Now now - they must make a court application and must first have taken legal action to recover sums owing.

It does look like the OP ignored what was going on.

The o/p should investigate his wifes financial affairs before leaving. The money must be somewhere. The o/ps' wife seems to be still able to lead a good lifestyle despite the loss of the o/p's income. There must be a lot of money salted away, together with the money from the re-mortgage.
O/P can you get into your wife's office on a Saturday when she is playing golf and check her files and take copies? Try and get information from her when she has been drinking. Over Christmas, give her something stronger than usual.

The OP is entitled to the information and can easily check with the bank on the mortgage etc.

Suggesting he ply her with booze is wreckless and dangerous.

PopUp

AMEN can give the OP advice on how to leave, how to separate accounts, and how to apply for maintanence if he is eligible. We don't know the particulars and we are not experts. I agree with CDfm that it is ridiculous (and possibly dangerous to both parties) for the OP to ply his wife with alcohol.

OP you know you are being treated badly. Just pick up the phone and get some information. You are not trapped, you can change things.

Jo King

CDfm wrote: »

Now now - they must make a court application and must first have taken legal action to recover sums owing.

It does look like the OP ignored what was going on.



The OP is entitled to the information and can easily check with the bank on the mortgage etc.

Suggesting he ply her with booze is wreckless and dangerous.

Receivers can come in under a debenture made years earlier and do not have to have taken legal action to recover sums owing. In the case of a liquidator a winding up petition must be notice.
How is the o/p going to know what his wife has done with the money? It is most unlikely to be in the same bank and even if it was they would not tell him.

opinion guy

House Husband wrote: »

I checked with FLAC. They do not deal with business debts at all. They did confirm that it was possible to be jailed arising out of a civil debt. FLAC did say they could help with the divorce but I would have to fill in a form and wait in the queue. It seems that I am snookered. If I move out of the house my brother in law will stop defending me against the lawsuits. If I leave the country I would never be able to come back.
I need a new suit. I have lost over three stone since the business collapsed. No more lunches or pints at the weekend. I look like a scarecrow in my old suits.My wife only gives me €20 a week for myself and that goes on toiletries and travelling to interviews.
I can't take a job in McDonalds or FAS. My wife would flip. She is very status-conscious.
Last night she went out for a meal with her friends, leaving me basically eating leftovers from Sunday. She rang me to collect her at 1.45 AM. When I got to the hotel they were in they were all pretty tipsy. I had to drive them all home. When we got home my wife wanted sex, which she often does after being drinking. I did not sleep until after 4 AM.
Her brother is good at his job but has a bad name. One of his former secretaries worked with my sister a few years ago. He was the boss from hell. He even blackmailed her into sleeping with him. She had to sign a confidentiality agreement and was afraid to talk about anything which went on in his office. She was still terrified of him.
The reciever came into my business at 8.00 one morning. When I gort to the door I was refused entry and sent home. I rang my wife and told her. When she got home that evening she announced the new regime and immediately stopped doing her laundry, shopping and preparing meals etc.
I have an interview in January and just hope it goes well.

Well good on you for contacting flac. I really think you shoudl contact Amen thou. They might have other resources available and maybe even legal help for people like yourself. Fundamentally, the financial issues sound more like an extension of the abuse. I really think you should speak with them as they are probably the best to advise you.

seahorse

AMEN is a far more appropriate organisation for you to approach than FLAC OP. I suspect you're not in a hurry to contact them because of the stigma involved with disclosing your circumstances, but you need to understand that AMEN is actually tailored to help men in exactly your situation, and that help includes legal advice.

You have gotten all the contacts for support that you need on this thread and I'd strongly advise you to use them. As an aside: You and not suffering from Irish Mammy Syndrome, you are suffering from Sadistic Bitch Syndrome, and though that is stronger language than I'd usually use on this site I feel it is entirely appropriate here.

No doubt it is a bitter pill to swallow but the fact is your wife does not give a tuppenny damn about you and you need to realise that you are the only person who can get you the help you need. I would, and have, said the same thing to women in similar circumstances. Please contact AMEN and let them help you try to extract yourself from this horrible marriage/horrible mess.

CDfm

Jo King wrote: »

Receivers can come in under a debenture made years earlier and do not have to have taken legal action to recover sums owing. In the case of a liquidator a winding up petition must be notice.

A receiver can come in if there is a charge over the assets of a company to secure the assets of a company.

Just say a car dealer borrows money with stock and premises as collateral and defaults on the repayments the bank can appoint a receiver to secure those assets. If a business is otherwise trading profitably they will try to keep it as a going concern.

How is the o/p going to know what his wife has done with the money? It is most unlikely to be in the same bank and even if it was they would not tell him.

By having a clear head the OP will know what he signed and obtain details from the lending institution.

It is odd for someone whose company is in receivership not to know what has happened the money.

Lollipops23

seahorse wrote: »

You have gotten all the contacts for support that you need on this thread and I'd strongly advise you to use them. As an aside: You and not suffering from Irish Mammy Syndrome, you are suffering from Sadistic Bitch Syndrome, and though that is stronger language than I'd usually use on this site I feel it is entirely appropriate here.

+100000

OP it is not normal for a marriage to run like this. You've done the hard part by admitting to yourself that things have to change.

Usually I'd tell people to sit down and try to talk to their OHs but I really believe that your situation is beyond talking.

KC JONES

House Husband wrote: »

I checked with FLAC. They do not deal with business debts at all. They did confirm that it was possible to be jailed arising out of a civil debt. FLAC did say they could help with the divorce but I would have to fill in a form and wait in the queue. It seems that I am snookered. If I move out of the house my brother in law will stop defending me against the lawsuits. If I leave the country I would never be able to come back.
I need a new suit. I have lost over three stone since the business collapsed. No more lunches or pints at the weekend. I look like a scarecrow in my old suits.My wife only gives me €20 a week for myself and that goes on toiletries and travelling to interviews.
I can't take a job in McDonalds or FAS. My wife would flip. She is very status-conscious.
Last night she went out for a meal with her friends, leaving me basically eating leftovers from Sunday. She rang me to collect her at 1.45 AM. When I got to the hotel they were in they were all pretty tipsy. I had to drive them all home. When we got home my wife wanted sex, which she often does after being drinking. I did not sleep until after 4 AM.
Her brother is good at his job but has a bad name. One of his former secretaries worked with my sister a few years ago. He was the boss from hell. He even blackmailed her into sleeping with him. She had to sign a confidentiality agreement and was afraid to talk about anything which went on in his office. She was still terrified of him.
The reciever came into my business at 8.00 one morning. When I gort to the door I was refused entry and sent home. I rang my wife and told her. When she got home that evening she announced the new regime and immediately stopped doing her laundry, shopping and preparing meals etc.
I have an interview in January and just hope it goes well.

Hi OP
Well done for calling FLAC
You may be able to get free legal aid form the Legal Aid Board. As I do not know where you are here is a list of centres
http://www.legalaidboard.ie/lab/publishing.nsf/Content/Law_Centres

Did you try the local authority for accommodation? Or the HSE?
Did you contact AMEN? Hope you did all 3

I don't think you should ply her with booze or go through her files as that may be iffy legally

I do think you should take any job, FAS/McDonalds, you can get and let her status consciousness go to hell.If she is so status conscious tell her get you a job in her firm she seems to have plenty money and contacts.
What was she like before the new regime as you call it.

You can get suits in Dunnes for around 40 euro and they are not too bad. i bought one and its OK.

You said she wanted sex? Did you? If she forces you you should complain her to Garda. Sorry to be so personal.

If you get the january job will you be leaving her? Or will she change back to the old regime. January job or not I think she is abusing you big time.

Keep in touch, everyone here is behind you

KC JONES

PopUp wrote: »

Now you need to take the next step. People have been asking you for pages to contact AMEN. This sort of thing is why they are there. Why don't you give them a ring?

probably cos he is embarrassed, it is not easy. But Op you have done well so far so do contact AMEN

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

you are doing great by calling FLAC, it is the most scary thing in the world to be trapped the way you are, I completely understand why you are hesitant to get the ball rolling.

you have to build up the confidence to get out of this awful situation. please explore all of your options and register with FAS in secret if this would upset your wife!
your wife needs professional help, it actually breaks my heart to hear what you are going through.

Things WILL get better though, you just need to take it one step at a time and play your cards very carefully around your wife. I really hope you get your job in Jan, keep applying everywhere though. You can email most places with your CV if you need to save money on stamps If you register with Irishjobs.ie or publicjobs.ie it is an online CV system.

To echo what the others are syaing, we are all behind you on this and we have never even met you!! You can get your life back

CDfm

KC JONES wrote: »

[/B]probably cos he is embarrassed, it is not easy. But Op you have done well so far so do contact AMEN

They are a lot nicer than posting on boards.

I drove a friend of mine to see them and he seemed to get on quite well.

OP - its up to you to make a decision on how you live your life.

You can be too close to detail to see things clearly but dealing with it is about taking your life back.

Jo King

CDfm wrote: »

A receiver can come in if there is a charge over the assets of a company to secure the assets of a company.

Just say a car dealer borrows money with stock and premises as collateral and defaults on the repayments the bank can appoint a receiver to secure those assets. If a business is otherwise trading profitably they will try to keep it as a going concern.




By having a clear head the OP will know what he signed and obtain details from the lending institution.

It is odd for someone whose company is in receivership not to know what has happened the money.

The o/p has explained what happened to the company's money. A customer defaulted. The bank or whoever had the charge took their own view of the situation and appointed a receiver, without notice to the O/P. The O/P did admitted he not have a clear head when he signed documents. What good is a clear head now? How does he know if the re-mortgage was with the original bank? The money the o/p needs to trace is the money his wife has most likely salted away. That is his potential source of maintenance. Once the o/p finds out where the money is he can use official channels to target it.

KC JONES

OP You can also look for jobs on the FAS website

CDfm

Jo King wrote: »

The o/p has explained what happened to the company's money. A customer defaulted. The bank or whoever had the charge took their own view of the situation and appointed a receiver, without notice to the O/P. The O/P did admitted he not have a clear head when he signed documents. What good is a clear head now? How does he know if the re-mortgage was with the original bank? The money the o/p needs to trace is the money his wife has most likely salted away. That is his potential source of maintenance. Once the o/p finds out where the money is he can use official channels to target it.

I am afraid life does not work that way.

AS director has legal responsibility for the running of a company and has a duty to maintain its solvency and protect its assets.

The OP will have had calls and letters from the bank or whoever to deal with. If soimeone else like a co-director kept information from him or has taken money from the company that should be available to creditors then that is a serious matter -but as managing director he should have known where the money was and whether there were funds there to meet the companies liabilities. His co-directors will be in the same s*** he is in.

It is possible to find out whether or not there is a mortgage or a remortgage on a property - I understand that the mortgage company will hold the deeds and would note a second banks interest.So the first bank will have details of the loans secured on the property. I believe it still is normal practice for mortgages to be registered at the Land Registry.

So there are a number of ways of obtaining the information.

Also, the OP is well within his rights asking what is going on especially as he is going job hunting a presumably will have to have his story straight that he is a responsible person when dealing with potential employers. This gives him a reason to ask his brotherin law relevant questions.

LegacyUser

This is a really, really tragic story and it is a good sign for our society that the vast majority of people who have posted above are decent, genuine and sincere people. You all make me proud of our society amid this gloom. The one or two others who miss the plot and digress into let us just say "not helpful" discussions are lacking something.

OP, I'm afraid I cannot add much but I know when I was down on my luck I went to my CWO (Community Welfare Officer) in my local Health Centre and told him I really needed to get some clothes in order to appear more presentable in interviews he gave me a cheque for €150.

Like many others, I also think it would be a really, really sound idea to contact Amen. I remember about ten years ago watching this 20/20 programme on TV3 and they interviewed this lad who, if I'm not mistaken, had a very strong Navan accent and he told a really moving account of his own life in an abusive marriage. The sh!t that lad went through was all the worse for me as he sounded like practically everybody I went to school with in Navan. It opened up my awareness to something I had never thought of. You are not alone by any means.

God bless.

PS: For every bad garda, there are good, decent ones who will treat you and your predicament with discretion, respect and concern. We are rooting for you.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I am afraid life does not work that way.

AS director has legal responsibility for the running of a company and has a duty to maintain its solvency and protect its assets.

The OP will have had calls and letters from the bank or whoever to deal with. If soimeone else like a co-director kept information from him or has taken money from the company that should be available to creditors then that is a serious matter -but as managing director he should have known where the money was and whether there were funds there to meet the companies liabilities. His co-directors will be in the same s*** he is in.

It is possible to find out whether or not there is a mortgage or a remortgage on a property - I understand that the mortgage company will hold the deeds and would note a second banks interest.So the first bank will have details of the loans secured on the property. I believe it still is normal practice for mortgages to be registered at the Land Registry.

So there are a number of ways of obtaining the information.

Also, the OP is well within his rights asking what is going on especially as he is going job hunting a presumably will have to have his story straight that he is a responsible person when dealing with potential employers. This gives him a reason to ask his brotherin law relevant questions.

This is exactly the attitude which is causing me so much trouble. The overdraft was cancelled at 48 hours notice. I was in London on business on time. By the time I got back the receiver was in. There were no warning letters. In fact, the accountant and I were preparing for a meeting with the bank the following week to discuss our funding arrangements for the next quarter. A large customer account was in arrears. The same thing had occurred in 2005 and also in 2002. On those occasions our overdraft was increased and we got over the difficulty. The receiver tried to run the business as a going concern and then sell it on to a friend of the bank manager. The receiver made a complete mess of the busines however as the customers found he hadn't a clue. That was when the liquidator was appointed.
Everyone thinks that when a business fails that the reason is that the directors were irresponsible or cheats or both. That is why there are som many legal actions coming dowbn the tracks. When the firts summons arrived at the house I went to a few solicitors. The least any of them wanted was €2,500 on account. I have no choice but to let my brother in law deal with these claims.
The bank which gave the original mortgage told me that the account had been cleared around the time that I signed the papers. They did not give another mortgage. If I want to see a copy of the file there is an administrative charge of €150. The property is not registered with the land registry. The bank also told me that mortgages are released on a letter of undertaking from a solicitor and many are not registered for years afterwards. It is only recently they have begun chasing up on this.
I have looked on the AMEN website but have not called them because I have to make all my calls from a public phone and I cannot afford to make too many calls.
My wife goes through all of the dialled out calls on the landline and my mobile was taken, along with my laptop, by the receiver when he came into the company.
My wife gives instructions every day regarding the things I am to get from the shops. She give me just enough money to cover it and writes it all into a notebook. She checks the change every evening down to the last cent. If I don't have receipts for everything she deducts it from my €20, along with other deductions for breakages and waste. She deducted 50 cent one week because I left a light on in the utility room after doing the ironing.
She gives me the €20 or what is left of it on Saturday evening, after she checks that her goilf gear is spick and span and her dress for going out with her friends that night is laid out on the bed. She never fails to remind me how lucky I am that I am not out on the side of the road.

CDfm

OP - nice post.

You sound coherant and like you have some fight left in you.

You seem to be in contact with customers -if not suppliers - so do you think any of them could line you up with some work even on a casual basis.

OP she cant put you out on the side of the road and its your house too.

seahorse

House Husband wrote: »

I have looked on the AMEN website but have not called them because I have to make all my calls from a public phone and I cannot afford to make too many calls.

Email them so.

You need to get out of this excuse for a marriage because if you don't you will have a nervous breakdown, which by the sounds of it may well be what your wife is trying to drive you to.

KC JONES

House Husband wrote: »

.
I have looked on the AMEN website but have not called them because I have to make all my calls from a public phone and I cannot afford to make too many calls.

They would probably ring you back, do try.

My wife goes through all of the dialled out calls on the landline and my mobile was taken, along with my laptop, by the receiver when he came into the company.
My wife gives instructions every day regarding the things I am to get from the shops. She give me just enough money to cover it and writes it all into a notebook. She checks the change every evening down to the last cent. If I don't have receipts for everything she deducts it from my €20, along with other deductions for breakages and waste. She deducted 50 cent one week because I left a light on in the utility room after doing the ironing.
She gives me the €20 or what is left of it on Saturday evening, after she checks that her goilf gear is spick and span and her dress for going out with her friends that night is laid out on the bed. She never fails to remind me how lucky I am that I am not out on the side of the road.

You cannot live like that and, not to be smart, you might be better on the side of the road. Have you called the council re possible accommodation/bed and breakfast

KC JONES

CDfm wrote: »

OP she cant put you out on the side of the road and its your house too.

Is it though, if she was paying the mortage from her account? What would the legal position be? This is not to distress OP but she seems a calculating cow and may have had some legal reason for paying mortage as she did

Jo King

KC JONES wrote: »

Is it though, if she was paying the mortage from her account? What would the legal position be? This is not to distress OP but she seems a calculating cow and may have had some legal reason for paying mortage as she did

The trouble for the o/p here is not that she could claim in equity that it was her house because she had paid all of the repayments. In a judicial separation or divorce the court can ignore that and apportion the house as it sees fit so that would get over that problem. The big problem is, if, as happened to his former sister in law, the house is in negative equity. Then, there is nothing to fight over.
What I would like to know is, where is all of the money from the re-mortgage and any other investments made by the wife? A friend of mine discovered by accident that his wife had been putting money into an offshore account for years. He only found out because he was re-installing Windows Vista on her laptop and he found an email, saved into a file, with instructions on how to access the account. He said nothing to her but he accessed the account and took a printout. If ever they separate he is going to wave the printout in her face.