moving on from miscarriage

LegacyUser

I had a miscarriage in August.
for a number of reasons my partner was not present for the hospital visits.
I feel so angry.
I avoided all feelings to do with it as I couldnt face how let down i felt.
I find myself with no respect for him. I try to tell myself that everyone grieves in different ways but finding it very hard to forgive and to try and move on from this.
I feel I never want any more children because I cannot face it happening again.
I feel I never want children with him because he will abonden me if things go bad.
Anybody any similiar stories and advice?

LegacyUser

Hi

I too lost a child three years ago. I had to handle all the arrangements on my own as my husband had to go overseas the day after for a few days. He never talks about her and doesn't visit her grave either as far as I know. I have spent a long time resenting him and trying to work him out. I had no one to talk to about her and it really screwed me up. At times I have accused him of not caring etc but I now believe that he was just trying to deal with it in his own way and avoiding the subject is the only way he could cope.

Miscarriage/loss can be just as devastating to the father and a lot of men feel they have to stay strong.

My advice to you would be to go for counselling together, Tell him you need to talk to him about what happened and you need him to open up to you. With a bit of luck, it will help and may save your relationship.We did not do that and although we are together and reasonably happy now, it still plays on my mind.

As for other children, time is a great healer, you will learn to live with what happened and life will go on. You are understandably scared of getting pregnant again and maybe using him as an excuse to avoid facing up to your fears. Have you spoken to your doctor? what are the chances of another miscarriage?

Ann22

I do understand how you're feeling. I'd prefer to post unregistered and I can't for some reason. All I'll say is, I don't think men really do understand how miscarriage affects women. We suffer feelings of loss, emptiness, loneliness, guilt and uselessness whereas they suffer the sense of loss. We have the huge drops in hormone levels too...some men don't allow for that and take offence when we're snappy. Tell him how you feel when you're calm. Eat well and take vitamins to prepare in case you feel ready to try again. I wish you the best of luck.

silverharp

from the male perspective, I can only say that we understand that its a magnitude worse for the mother. There might be a certain awkwardness from the male perspective for the very reason that its a different experience for the dad.
OP , assuming you are in a strong relationship its probably not a rational view that he will "abandon" you if it happens again. From your post it sounds like its been after a first pregnancy which I can only imagine adds an extra level of doubt and disapointment. Medically it might take more time to recover so give it time. It might sound a bit off the wall but maybe push to have a gentic test done (for both of you), I dont think they offer it unless someone has had 3 in a row but it might give you some comfort that you were just unlucky.

look after yourself

Deliverance

advice needed wrote: »

I had a miscarriage in August.
for a number of reasons my partner was not present for the hospital visits.
I feel so angry.
I avoided all feelings to do with it as I couldnt face how let down i felt.
I find myself with no respect for him. I try to tell myself that everyone grieves in different ways but finding it very hard to forgive and to try and move on from this.
I feel I never want any more children because I cannot face it happening again.
I feel I never want children with him because he will abonden me if things go bad.
Anybody any similiar stories and advice?

Sorry to hear that OP. As a male I just think that you need to talk to your other half. He may be going through the same horrible feelings as you but unable to express himself in the same way that you have here.

I think that you would not be expressing your feelings so much on here such as you have unless you actually do want kids with the person. My feelings are that you are afraid it will happen again. That is understandable.

The bottom line is you both wanted a baby, a terrible thing happened. Yourself and your partner need time to discuss and work this event out.

Once you do that (possibly with a third party, if necessary) then you can continue your relationship more closely than ever before. Do not dismiss the father at all by his actions, give him a chance to get closer to you by talking about it.

I'm pretty sure he will not want to, that is probably why you guys as a couple might need mediation. As a man I think I would need mediation with you for a relationship worth saving.

eviltwin

I lost my daughter in October 08 and all I can say is time does heal. Slowly but surely things do get better. Its only been four months remember, at that stage I was still in bed all day starting at the four walls too depressed to do anything.

Like you I took a lot of my emotions out on the father. I dont really know why, I guess I was in such a bad place and hurting so much I wanted him to feel some of my pain. Fair play to him for not telling me where to go because I gave him a really rough time of it. Still do, it doesnt ever go away and while most of the time you will be alright sometimes it will rear its head again..in our case this weekend just gone.

The good news is that the gaps between arguments will get longer. The times you feel more like yourself will get longer. You will never forget and there will always be something that will remind you and have you crashing down again but its normal. You need to prepare yourself for what might trigger you off, things around your due date for example will be tough, around the first anniversary etc and prepare for them.

Its definately worth getting some counselling..probably the reason I'm still so fcuked up is that we didnt. If your not ready to talk it might help to give your baby a name like we did and talk about him/her, to plant something or remember the baby in some other way.

Your partner is suffering too..no he will never in a million years understand the depth of your loss but his loss is still a loss and its better to grief together than seperately

As for trying again..I was torn between wanting to replace the loss and being terrified to try. I became pregnant in Feb of this year and was a total mess the entire time, I was convinced faith would step in and take this baby away from me. In the end my fears were all unfounded and I'm blessed to have a little boy. Unless you have some medical issues which caused the miscarriage there is no reason why you wont go on to have healthy pregnancies too

Please take care of yourself, dont put yourself under any pressure to come to terms with it before you are ready, there is no time limit on grief. Many many women go through pregnancy loss and go on to have healthy babies. I'm sure you will too

I'll remember you and your little one in my prayers

(( hugs ))

cyning

It sucks. I had a miscarraige in Nov and it sucks. He can't talk about it at all. He also doesn't want to try again for kids at the moment while I do. It is probably one of the most trying things to go through as a couple. But we'll stick through it, and time will make it easier. ANd hopefully he will talk about it eventually. But I think talking to someone is a really good idea... even if it is just to vent to someone outside the situation it can help.

sarahlulu

So so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my baby while my husband was in America with work, and like you, I resented him for a long time. Each time I tried to discuss it with him it became a conversation about how he felt terrible that he wasn't there. Got so sick of hearing that he felt guilty.

I swore I would never try for another baby as I was terrified it would happen again. All I can say is that it does (eventually) get easier, and I have three beautiful daughters now.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, don't be too hard on yourself, it takes a long time to get over such a terrible loss.

BostonB

You'll find a lot more people than you think have experience of miscarraiges. It can be for many, part of the journey of having a family. The important thing with any journey is to keep moving forwards. Men find it especially hard to deal with. Its not something most can talk through with their mates in the pub or at work. So it would be good to talk to a 3rd party and clear the air. Most hospitals have people both of you can talk to. Even on your own or together. Its a good release.

Trashed

After losing our baby in Oct things got bad, he wouldnt talk and just got on with it while I was dying inside....... I ended up going back to my parents house etc

then one day he turned up and just let it all out. it hit him harder then I will ever know. He just wanted to be strong for me and his son. All my anger towards him suddenly melted into sympathy..... alot of the time its the lady that gets all the attention and care and support from friends and family because they think the man is ok.

Whatever your feeling you can be sure he is going through hell aswell. just give him time.