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Best way to deal with this

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  • 14-12-2009 2:45pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'll try to be brief.

    Myself and ex split a year ago. We have a 6 year old.
    Things have not been amicable to say the least. He and I have both behaved badly at times but over the last few months things seem to have settled down a bit.

    The child was very upset over the split and was in counselling. Everything the counseller recommended, he went against. (set access times, introduction of new partner and how to handle it, how to deal with childs insecurities -the child kept saying they were stupid, that daddy hated them etc).

    After a lot of effort on my part and very little on his (just being honest!), child is now secure and confident again.

    I advised ex of school christmas play last week. He had child over weekend and never mentioned it to child.
    Was sitting in the school today and ex arrives late, sits on the same row as me though the far side and left as soon as it ended. Never said hello or acknowledged me.
    Thats fine. I don't really care.
    However as child noticed him and was not expecting him, began mouthing at me from the stage "why is dad here". I just shrugged. It was embarrassing. Child then came over after production and asked why dad didn't talk to me. Was upset at the unexpectedness I think. Routine is important to them. Kept asking why he had come and why I didn't know dad was going to be there.

    Gave some breif answers but didn't know how to handle it. Child is already upset that dad won't be there for xmas. I invited him to call xmas morning but he declined.

    Don't understand why he couldn't have let me know he was coming. I would have sat with him and forewarned the child so as not to catch her on the hop, while on stage in a production they were very nervous about.

    Am planning on saying nothing. Suppose he made the effort to be there which is an improvement on the usual scheme of things.
    Just wondering how to explain it to the child. Was thinking I'd just say he must have been able to get time off and decided to come and isn't he great etc etc.


Comments

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    #2
    Eoineo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,169 ✭✭✭Eoineo


    My best advice to you is to not make excuses or stories on your ex's behalf. If your daughter asks you questions about why her Daddy turned up/why he won't be there at Christmas etc tell her that Daddy will explain it to her. If she wonders why you weren't sitting together and talking be honest with her. Say something like you are both sad because you don't love one another anymore and that you need to have some quiet time apart.

    Making excuses and building him up is only making a rod for your own back. Christmas is a difficult time I understand that. Take care.


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    #3
    meditraitor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,207 ✭✭✭meditraitor


    Did you tell the child her father wouldnt be there?


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    #4
    PullOutMethod
    Closed Accounts Posts: 70 ✭✭PullOutMethod


    Where a child is concerned a Mum vs Dad situation is a zero sum game.
    It would do your son no good to hear his father criticized no matter how stupidly he behaves.
    (FWIW the guy sounds like a f*ckwit.)
    Sounds like you already know the only solution is to keep doing the right thing as you have been doing time and again.


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    #5
    Queen-Mise
    Registered Users Posts: 7,461 ✭✭✭Queen-Mise


    Agree with the above more or less. Be as honest as you can with your little girl. Tell her the truth, if you don't know why he did something, then say you don't know. The cardinal rule is - Never criticise him ever.....

    It is not your place to explain why he is or isn't doing something. It would have been enough to say imo, to give her a big smile on stage (yeah daddy is here). And then afterwards when the little one asked: he must have been in a hurry to go somewhere as he had to rush off. I don't see the need for the embarressment, as it was excellent he made the effort to come (maybe not the most graceful but he came :rolleyes::rolleyes:).

    Don't talk him up or down for your child. Let her make up her own mind on her daddy. At her age nothing he does is wrong, it will be a good few years before she can made an objective comment on him.


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    #6
    Woddle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,492 ✭✭✭Woddle


    PullOutMethod wrote: »
    (FWIW the guy sounds like a f*ckwit.)
    .

    Don't understand this comment. Two sides to every story, for all we know he is used to her making a public scene and therefore thought it best to come and see his kids play and leave quitely. I don't know the situation but comments like this aimed at seperated fathers helps nobody, if we're taking the op at face value well to me it sounds that the ex has yet to come to terms with the situation of loosing his family.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I spoke to the child last night. She asked if I knew daddy was going and I said no. She asked again why we weren't sitting together and I said he came in a bit late and I was already sitting with x & y (friends of mine).
    She said that when she was walking past him he gave her a big squeeze and told her she was great. She asked again why he didn't tell her he was going and I said again I didn't know and she'd have to ask him.


    I don't make scenes. I didn't break up the family. He left me for another woman who now refuses to let him have any contact with me. She just about tolerates the child but he prefers to keep his two lives separate. He plays dad once a week and the rest of the time he's living like a 20 year old. Off with him. I'm past wasting energy on him. I just don't like him throwing things into chaos on a whim. He does it regularly. He was supposed to take the child to a family party and cancelled on her at the last minute as the new gf was able to take the time off and he wanted to take her instead and be drinking etc. I'm used to it. Even the child is at this stage.

    Anyway, I try not to build him up but I always feel like when I'm neutral I'm not being nice lol.
    It's over now anyway. Next stop.....birthday party. He showed up last year and refused to speak to me. Luckily I had friends there for backup.
    I invite him to everything, PT meetings, concerts, birthday parties etc. He sometimes shows, sometimes doesn't. It's not my style to make a scene. We had some rip roaring fights when we split first but haven't in about 6-8 months. I just don't like him making things awkward. Sometimes he's nice and friendly, next thing he refuses to acknowlege me. It's just petty and childish at this stage and frustrating but I guess the best thing to do is ignore it and be as consistent as I can be.
    Thanks for the replies.


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    #8
    stovelid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    howtohandle wrote: »
    I advised ex of school christmas play last week. He had child over weekend and never mentioned it to child.
    .

    Why didn't you tell her? You knew he was coming.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    meditraitor wrote: »
    Did you tell the child her father wouldnt be there?

    I didn't know. I sent a text with the time and day. I got no reply which usually means he's a no show. She asked would dad be coming. I said I told him when it was on. She asked if he replied. I said he hadn't so I didn't know if he was coming.
    stovelid wrote:
    Why didn't you?
    Mention it to him? As above I told him when it was on. He pulls up outside my house and the child goes out. I don't see him or speak to him unless I have to. Been this way for months, at his request. He has a list of ways I can contact him and of things I can contact him about. If I deviate he threatens to stop seeing the child.


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    #10
    stovelid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    OP again wrote: »
    Mention it to him?

    Why did you choose to partially quote what I said? :confused:

    I made it quite clear I was asking why didn't you mention it to your child that he was going to the play.
    stovelid wrote: »
    Why didn't you tell her? You knew he was coming.


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    #11
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Being pedantic and argumentative for no good reason is not being civil.
    If you are unsure of the rules for this forum please see the charter.


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    #12
    Woddle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,492 ✭✭✭Woddle


    OP here wrote: »

    Anyway, I try not to build him up but I always feel like when I'm neutral I'm not being nice lol.
    It's over now anyway. Next stop.....birthday party. He showed up last year and refused to speak to me. Luckily I had friends there for backup.
    I invite him to everything, PT meetings, concerts, birthday parties etc. He sometimes shows, sometimes doesn't. It's not my style to make a scene. We had some rip roaring fights when we split first but haven't in about 6-8 months. I just don't like him making things awkward. Sometimes he's nice and friendly, next thing he refuses to acknowlege me. It's just petty and childish at this stage and frustrating but I guess the best thing to do is ignore it and be as consistent as I can be.
    Thanks for the replies.

    My apologies to the op I wasn't having a go at you but another poster.
    It's a shame he doesn't realise that his child should come first and not the new relationship, being civil to the mother of your child for the benefit of your child sounds simple but for a few, impossible.
    Have the two of you ever gone to counciling, not to reconcile but to put some kind of program in place for the well being of your child.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stovelid wrote: »
    Why did you choose to partially quote what I said? :confused:

    I made it quite clear I was asking why didn't you mention it to your child that he was going to the play.

    I'm lost. Your original post just said "why didn't you?" in relation to me saying "he never mentioned it to the child". You've edited your post since to elaborate and accused me of partially quoting you??? My quote of you was correct at the time I posted.

    Anyway, as per my response, I told him when it was on. He didn't reply. I had no way of knowing if he was coming. Therefore I chose to say nothing at all.


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    #14
    stovelid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    op again wrote: »
    I'm lost. Your original post just said "why didn't you?" in relation to me saying "he never mentioned it to the child".

    I'm such a thick, OP, I'm sorry.

    I edited my original post quickly and you quoted the original. I just checked my edits just now. You quoted my original post and I swung back by the thread and thought you'd selectively quoted my post, forgetting that I had edited.

    I hope that makes sense. I'm really sorry for derailing the thread. :o


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stovelid wrote: »
    I'm such a thick, OP, I'm sorry.

    I edited my original post quickly and you quoted the original. I just checked my edits just now. You quoted my original post and I swung back by the thread and thought you'd selectively quoted my post, forgetting that I had edited.

    I hope that makes sense. I'm really sorry for derailing the thread. :o


    No worries at all. Just posts crossing :D
    I genuinely was unsure whether you meant mentioning it to ex.

    I see it was edited as I was typing my reply so I believe you ;)


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