What should I do next?

gfmason

Hi,

I have started my own trace of my bm and have found 3 possible matches. I tracked one down who does not appear to match the information I have to hand. I have now traced another person who seems to fit the profile a lot better and here is where I need advice. She owns a business. I tried contacting the local Parish Priest but he wouldn't return my phone calls or my letter (even though I didn't mention any names just the situation). From various sources I have discovered that this person was a nun and has left the convent and bought a business. I would love to know if she is my bm. What should I do next? Do I visit her business (it is open to the public) just to see if she is there and if there is any resemblance. This seems to be the only option open to me as the Parish Priest doesn't seem to want to get involved. I did go through the HSE in 2003 and they contacted her but she did not want contact but I feel that I was pressurised into stating that I didn't want contact either at the time as I was afraid if I made too many demands that the HSE wouldn't help me at all. My letter to her was checked out by the HSE before forwarding it to her and I felt that what I really wanted to say wouldn't have been sent to her. The HSE now has closed the case and won't help me any further.

kathy finn

first be 100% sure u have the right person before u go and contact her.
i would write instead of calling, putting her under pressure like that might just send her into a panic and she will back away.
a second option would be to ring the social worker in the hse you delt with and tell her u have found ur mother and that u ar going to make contact if they do not help, that will send them into a panic.
good luck and go carefully....kathy

holly_johnson

Hi and well done so far on your detective work!

I would agree with Kathy however, and urge caution in whatever you do decide.
A letter would be a far preferable method of contact, as you have no idea whether this person is your birth mother first of all, and you also don't know her circumstances. She may not have told anyone in her life about you, and your arrival could be a great shock, especially when you both said no contact to the HSE.

Tread carefully and sensitively and if it is your birth mother, you will have made a far better start with her by communicating by letter.:)

gfmason

Hi Kathy and Holly,

Thanks for your advice. The situation with regard the HSE is that the social worker has left to go to a private adoption agency and there is now no trace social worker in Wicklow. I have made a formal complaint to the HSE about this and also have written to them and told them that I am attempting to do a trace myself and wanted it in writing that I have notified them of the situation. They told me that the case was closed, they would not re-open it and would not write another letter to the Parish Priest who, in 2003, acted as a go-between. They also told me that I should not initiate a trace myself !!! Catch-22. They won't help me but they don't want me to do anything either.

I know my bm never told anyone about me except for an Aunt whose address was on the adoption file so very few people know about me. I think that writing her a letter is possibly the best idea and see what happens.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to give me advice. I will keep you posted on what happens next.

Grainne

gfmason

Hi

This is especially to Kathy and Holly. I have decided to write a letter to the person whom I think is my bm. I will send it after Christmas. What do you think I should put into this letter. I am mindful that she is in a relationship with another woman and they live together so I am worried that her partner might open her mail. Any help would be gratefully received.

Grainne

holly_johnson

gfmason wrote: »

Hi

This is especially to Kathy and Holly. I have decided to write a letter to the person whom I think is my bm. I will send it after Christmas. What do you think I should put into this letter. I am mindful that she is in a relationship with another woman and they live together so I am worried that her partner might open her mail. Any help would be gratefully received.

Grainne

I know my first letter was in very general terms so that if anyone else read it it wouldn't sound too "suspicious"
If I remember, I put something general like I'm the daughter of an old friend of yours you haven't seen for x no of years (x being your age). She'd love to get in touch with you, give her a call at xxxx or write to her at xxxx

gfmason

Hi Holly,

Thanks for the advice. It has helped.

Grainne

kathy finn

hi grainne, i think u should take hollys advice, my social worker wrote to my birthfather and said something along those lines, she said that somebody he knew in 1969 ( my birthyear) was looking to make contact, she only included her mobile phone no. good luck kathy

gfmason

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your reply. I am going to write after Christmas and go along those lines. The only thing is I am not 100% certain this is the right person. But after 7 years of looking I have no choice but to follow up on this lead. Will let you know how I get on.


Grainne

fluffy70

gfmason wrote: »

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your reply. I am going to write after Christmas and go along those lines. The only thing is I am not 100% certain this is the right person. But after 7 years of looking I have no choice but to follow up on this lead. Will let you know how I get on.


Grainne

Even if this is the right person(Mother) you`ve no idea whether she wants to revisit her past and she may have a new life with a new husband and children.
Theres no guarantee that your arrival on the scene won`t ruin her current life/family.
Do you want to take that chance?
If she wanted contact it`s much easier for her to find you.

The_Conductor

fluffy70 wrote: »

Even if this is the right person(Mother) you`ve no idea whether she wants to revisit her past and she may have a new life with a new husband and children.
Theres no guarantee that your arrival on the scene won`t ruin her current life/family.
Do you want to take that chance?
If she wanted contact it`s much easier for her to find you.

Its actually no more difficult for her to find her child, than it is for an adopted person to find his/her birthmum- however few people allow for the emotional rollercoaster that searching involves, and the fact that on average- even with the adoption agencies, adoption authority and everyone on board- an official search can take 4-5 years. I'm not sure if you realise what searching actually entails- nor if you have any idea of why an adopted person might be motivated to try to find their birthmum?

gfmason

fluffy70 wrote: »

Even if this is the right person(Mother) you`ve no idea whether she wants to revisit her past and she may have a new life with a new husband and children.
Theres no guarantee that your arrival on the scene won`t ruin her current life/family.
Do you want to take that chance?
If she wanted contact it`s much easier for her to find you.

My birth mother knows I am looking for her. The HSE knows where she is but have undertaking with her (without consulting me) not to make contact with her again. They told me they have to respect her wishes and needs, even though they were supposed to be working for me. I have thought very long and hard about what my birth mother's situation might be. Is she married, does she have a family, etc.,. I would never want to intrude in her life now. But, after 7 years of searching, the one thing I have to constantly remind myself is 'What about my needs'. Everything in this Country is aimed at the birth mother and her wishes. At no stage has anyone asked me how am I coping, what it is doing to me. I think everyone should have the right to know who gave birth to them. I have a father who probably doesn't know of my existence and yet he might want to get to know me but my birth mother is stopping me finding him. I just want my birth mother to acknowledge my existence. Even just to me. I'm tired of being someones dirty little secret. I am better than that. She owes me answers. That's all I want from her. After that, if she wanted to keep in contact it would be down to her. I would be happy with just answers.

justagirl

Gfmason ..

You are right, as people who have been adopted out, 'our needs' are not being met and they may never be unfortunately. And I really feel for you.

And yes, you could have a biological father who may want contact with you - I can relate to you on the frustration with this aspect.

Its a tough one, as adoptees I think we are always the one who are forever conscious of the effect 'we' may have on or Biological parents and how we might affect 'their' lives .....this is drilled into us by the system that is in place and we all know this is beyond perfect.

From my experience and if you feel you have done everything you can through the correct channels, you may have to push this one yourself and make discreet direct contact - if you don't you may regret it. Even if its just to be told she doesn't want contact - then at least you know and could ask for information about your biological father. Ten years ago I would have frowned at what I've just written and I would have said 'respect the biological mothers decision and live with it'... but now I reckon you are the one who would have to live with not having tried yourself when you know others within the system are certainly not going to do anything because their hands are tied.

gfmason

justagirl wrote: »

Gfmason ..

You are right, as people who have been adopted out, 'our needs' are not being met and they may never be unfortunately. And I really feel for you.

And yes, you could have a biological father who may want contact with you - I can relate to you on the frustration with this aspect.

Its a tough one, as adoptees I think we are always the one who are forever conscious of the effect 'we' may have on or Biological parents and how we might affect 'their' lives .....this is drilled into us by the system that is in place and we all know this is beyond perfect.

From my experience and if you feel you have done everything you can through the correct channels, you may have to push this one yourself and make discreet direct contact - if you don't you may regret it. Even if its just to be told she doesn't want contact - then at least you know and could ask for information about your biological father. Ten years ago I would have frowned at what I've just written and I would have said 'respect the biological mothers decision and live with it'... but now I reckon you are the one who would have to live with not having tried yourself when you know others within the system are certainly not going to do anything because their hands are tied.

I totally agree with what you say. Ten years ago I would have just dropped the search and walked away because I would have been thinking more about my birth mother and her feelings than my own. It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am now and to realise that I need to keep saying "What about me?" Anyway, I posted a letter to the person I think is my birth mother a week ago (the letter was very vague, only my birth mother would be able to understand it) so I will now wait a month or so before I make another move.

justagirl

gfmason wrote: »

I totally agree with what you say. Ten years ago I would have just dropped the search and walked away because I would have been thinking more about my birth mother and her feelings than my own. It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am now and to realise that I need to keep saying "What about me?" Anyway, I posted a letter to the person I think is my birth mother a week ago (the letter was very vague, only my birth mother would be able to understand it) so I will now wait a month or so before I make another move.

Well, good on you. Best of luck with the letter gfmason, I'll be thinking of you and be kind to yourself.

gfmason

Thanks, justagirl. I will let you know if I get any news. Don't expect to though:(

kathy finn

hi just a girl is right, u have to do whats best for urself, what is it with us and feelings of guilt, but when u think of it we where the only person in this that did,nt have a choice, our birthmothers chose to give us up, our adoped parents chose to adopt us and we feel guilt when we search...kathy