Anti-humour

tech77

Two men are standing on a rooftop.

Man #1: Do you want me to push you off the roof?
Man #2: No.


A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies:
'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'


Why was the fireman buried on top of the hill?

Because he was dead.

There's also a hilarious "doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains" joke (but it references a serious issue and therefore may offend).
Of course it's not offensive because these things are jokes about corny humour (meta-jokes) and not about the material within per se, but still i'll leave someone else tell it...

tech77

A couple more:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells “Only one of you gets to li-”
The plane explodes in the air. No one survived.


A priest and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventally their jobs.

dak

There's also a hilarious "doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains" joke (but it references a serious issue and therefore may offend).

Ah come on ! Pull your self together

Feeky Magee

A semi-retired construction engineer called Norman walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey on the rocks. Looking around he notices that the gentleman sat down the bar from him had a small orange for a head. Somewhat bemused at this peculiar sight, he shuffles down the bar towards him and catches his gaze.

"Hello there, my name is Norman".

An awkard silence decended, so Norman tried to advance the conversation.

"I couldn't help but notice that you have a small orange for a head, which is a very perculiar sight indeed. May I ask how this strange condition came to be?"

"Well," said the man, "it is a very long tale of triumph and despair - so I will only spin this yarn if you have time to listen".

Norman glanced at his watch and noted that he had plenty of time before he was due to have his large hemorrhoid examined at the doctors across the street. "I have plenty of time, so please continue," he replied.

"Well," said the man, "it all began a year ago during my time as a soldier. I was on the front line in Iraq with the 21st batallion. We were on a routine border patrol north of Kut when we were hit by a savage dust storm, a storm that raged for hours and refused to release us from its grip. Eventually the veil of night began to fall - and with no chance of a helicopter evac we had to hunker down for the night. While I was digging a shelter I made an incredible discovery - a gold lamp."

The man took a generous sip from his bourbon, and with a grim shake of his head he continued, "... that lamp. That damn lamp... I wish I'd never set eyes on the blasted thing. It turned me into this hiddeous freak... this aberration of God! Every time I catch my reflection I curse the moment I found that lamp."

Norman shifted on his stool awkwardly, shielding the hemorrhoid from any unnecesary friction. "So," Norman said thoughtfully, "tell me more about this lamp".

"Well," said the man, "I took the lamp back with me to base the next morning and began to clean off the sand and grit. Whilst cleaning it the most incredible thing happened... from the spout a magical cloud did flow and right there before my eyes a genie materialised! He was gowned in the finest silk robes and wearing a crown of diamonds. Naturally he offered me four wishes, and the first was an easy one to make. I wished to be back home with my family, away from the bloodshed and pain. The genie clicked his fingers and in a moment of surreal detachment I was transported through a mirage of color for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually these colors began to reassemble themselves into a coherant pattern, and sure enough I was back home with my family, and it was as if I had never left."

Norman polished off his whiskey and pondered over the sanity of his drinking partner. A Genie? Wishes? It all sounded a little far fetched. Having said that he could not doubt the authenticity of his ailment and surely a condition this bizarre could not be caused by something from this sphere of reality.

"Of course," continued the man, "I realised that I still had three wishes left, so my second wish was to be rich... so wealthy nothing was beyond my ownership or control. Again the genie clicked his fingers, and in that instant I had all the money I could ever spend. Naturally I bought a large house for my family and an expensive car. I also saw that my friends were financially secure for the rest of their lives and treated my wife to a boob job. However, it still wasn't enough." The man gently rotated his wrist, spinning the melting ice around the base of his glass. "So for the next wish I asked to be irresistible to attractive women. For a while I had the most incredible life... not only did I have more money than the rest of the world put together, I had every beautiful women salivating over me. Days of drinking and gambling were followed by nights of sexual indulgence and experimentation. I was losing my grip on reality - so I had to use the final wish. I had to free myself from the person I was becoming."

Norman saw the pain in his eyes and the sorrow eched across his very being. "So what brought you to this point? How did you end up with this ghastly mutilation?" asked Norman.

The man sat upright and turned to face him. His eyes glazed, his brow furrowed. "Well, I'd already wished for all the money in the world, and to be able to have any beautiful women, to me the next wish was clear...





























"I wished I had a small orange for a head."

FruitLover

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.


Knock, knock!
Come in.

francie BradyII

did ya drop the auld hand yet freeky?

tech77

francie BradyII wrote: »

did ya drop the auld hand yet freeky?

It's Feeky (it's there just a few posts up).
You'll find what your looking for in his AH thread.
FWIW, AFAIK, he made a valiant attempt but struck out.
But why disrupt a thread in the humour forum to find information that's in another thread.

alias06

tech77 wrote: »

There's also a hilarious "doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains" joke (but it references a serious issue and therefore may offend).
Of course it's not offensive because these things are jokes about corny humour (meta-jokes) and not about the material within per se, but still i'll leave someone else tell it...

Was it

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains..

Pull yourself together, man!

alias06

What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.


I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in three days.
So I stabbed him.


Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face


Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.


So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.


Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.


What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
Is this a joke?

Fabritzo

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was the most direct route to it's destination.

George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice walk into the Vatican.
The Pope died.

How do you catch an elephant?
You dig a great big hole in the ground and fill it with ashes. Then you surround the hole with peas. When the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.


What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.

admiralofthefleet

anti jokes are brilliant

alias06

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.


Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


A duck goes to the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped.” The pharmacist says, “We have nothing for ducks here.”


man walks into the doctors, "doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains". The doctor pauses for a second and replies "thats the least of your worries, you have aids."


Why was the prostitute crying?
Because it's a natural human reaction during specific emotional turmoil.


A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?
None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leek by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.


Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.


A priest, a rabbi and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

AdeT

alias06 wrote: »

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.
quote]

Excellent

Dun laoire

Whats green, has no eyeballs and has goofy teeth?

alias06

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: To go and seek counseling or at least some kind of legal advice because her significant other appears, on the surface at least, to be violent and dangerous.

Q: What was the pirate movie rated?
A: PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.

"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"GESTAPO."

Q: What did the robot say to the child?
A: Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks. Everyone within the vicinity was killed.

Q: Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
A: Because he was off-duty.

A black guy walks into a bar. He paid his tab and couldn't have been more polite.

Q: Why are the French so good at producing wine and cheese?
A: The craft has been passed from generation to generation for hundreds of years.

Q: What do they call the girl who has slept with over 30 guys?
A: Mary.

So a guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." And the guy's like, "What, why?"
The doctor replies, "So I can examine you."

Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.

A man was very tired, so he walked to his bed. But when he tried to lay down on his bed, he missed it, and hit himself so hard all his strength seemed to leave him. He tried with one gigantic gathering of strength to get up on the bed, but to no avail. He was so tired after this that he fell asleep on the floor, and when he woke up, his strength seemed to have returned. So he got up and lay down on his bed. But now he was no longer tired.

a man goes to see the doctor.
doctor, doctor i've been unwell for a couple of days with symptoms including fatigue, nausea and occasional vomiting.
- it sounds like this 'flu that has being going around. i can prescribe antibiotics, but i recommend you let it run its course.
it's probably best if i do that doctor. i don't like to take antibiotics unless its very necessary.
- thats a good attitude to have. good man yourself. call me if you do not improve in the next 2-3 days.
thanks doctor, i will.
- bye now then.
bye so.

'Knock Knock?'
'Who's there?'
'Electricity Board. I've come to read the meter.'
'Oh right so. Come in. It's just there, by the telephone table.'
'Freezing outside.'
'Yeah.'
'Right. That's sorted so.'
'Cheers.'
'Cheers. 'Bye.'

Two priests walking down the street spot a nearby playground and decide to sit at a bench near the swirl slide.
"It's a wonderful day, is it not brother Mathew?"
"yes.. yes it is."
then they went home.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's me, Gerald. May I please come in?
Certainly.
Thanks you for having me as your guest.
You are most welcome. Thank you for coming.
You are most welcome.

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head.
Preferably his name, before asking him why he is balancing a shovel on his head.

Your mother's so fat, she's developed quite a few health issues over the years. She has low self esteem and finds comfort in eating, which is probably the root of her problem. If she continues like this she will die from a heart attack and won't be able to see the day you graduate from high school with mediocre grades, and a future not so bright.

A man is really horny and walks into a whorehouse.
He was in Nevada, and prostitution is legal there. He had a good time with one of the girls, and paid the usual fee.

What's the best part about taking a shower with a twelve year old?
Ensuring that she's maintaining appropriate hygiene. But really, this should only be done as a last resort - in the interest of her emotional maturity, it's important that an emerging adolescent develop a sense of her own right to privacy.

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a strange red color on his PENIS. The doctor asks if he's received oral sex lately. The man had. The doctor says "Well then we're going to have to do some tests, it looks like herpes. It might have transfered from oral herpes from your last partner."

Q: Hey, do you know what NASA stands for?
A: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
Q: Thanks. I have a take-home quiz due tomorrow.
A: Not a problem - good luck with that.

A young boy asked a wise old elder what colour the sun was at night. The man shed a single tear before answering, "I do not know, for I am blind."

So, once there was a man who was frying bacon. He looks down to the bacon and sees it spitting in the pan. He scolds the bacon for doing so, and it doesn't reply because bacon cannot speak and is not a human object.

Some whores walk into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long faces?"