family problems

Irishmuslim

FAMILY VS my husband
salam. i have a problem that hasn´t gone away for over a year now!I can safely say that I have been quite unhappy this past year and i have cried for Ireland. I am married to my husband for a year and a half and my family refuse to accept him. He is muslim ( as am I- reverted 2 years ago). My family thinks that he controls me and that i have no friends because of him. My family still dont know that i am muslim ( i am still plucking up the courage to tell them). and because of this i have changed. i wear more modest clothes and i have no interest in drinking, or clubbing ( i lost this interest before i converted). anyway i am so torn. i love my family so much. my parents have doneso much for me and given me so much. but i´m not prepared to leave my husband for them and i don´t know what to do. It´s christmas now and they want me there without my husband. though my husband and i dont celebrate xmas we still put up decorations etc... ( because its my fave time of year). and i cant just leave ghim on his own. i am so so tired of this. I pray for the help of god. anyone in a similiar situation?

wes

Well, I think other converts will be of a lot more help than someone like myself, whose family are all Muslim.

However, I do have an Aunty who is Catholic who married into the family, and we always celebrate each other holidays (time premitting) e.g. We celebrate Christmas together (well we celebrate the non-religous aspects of course), and use it as a reason to get the family together.

We also celebrate Eid is possible (Eid tends to end up on days when everyone is working or in school), e.g. my cousins come over and we eat dinner, and the younger kids get gifts and what not.

Perhaps, trying something like this might help, to get everyone together? Try and invite them over to Eid, to show that you and your Husband are in a loving relationship and aren't all that different from them.

I don't know if what I said is helpful, as your family seem to want nothing to do with your husband, which is really sad that they won't give him a chance, so maybe my advice isn't much use.

Jaafa

Id have to agree with wes You should invite your family over and show them that you and your husband do love each othe. but I think its important you tell them your beliefs as soon as possible. They will hold it against you if you dont tell them.

virgo_05

If they love you they should accept your husband and respect your decisions. As you know Islam doesnt prohibit you from socialising with your friends. Why do your parents think that your husband is controlling you? Maybe they are just afraid of what they dont understand. In other words they need to get to know your husband and then they will overcome whatever misunderstandings they may have

Maybe if your husband doesnt care too much to celebrate christmas you should go there with your family and make it clear that he is not controlling your decisions in any way.

But in my opinion i think if your family are refusing point blank to even try to accept him (especially at christmas time) then maybe they dont deserve to have you there. Sorry if that sounds harsh i know they are your family after all. But your husband is your family too and they should accept him, even if only for your sake.

You dont have to justify your religious beliefs to your family, maybe now is not the time to tell them. Hopefully with time they will get to know your husband better and then you can tell them

Best of luck

Zaynzma

assalamu alaikum

sorry to hear about your problems. My parents died before I converted to Islam so I haven't been in the same situation as you. I do have some sisters who are practising Christians but there isn't the same interference from siblings is there, and the fact that I was nearly 30 when I converted also meant I was very independent and not too bothered about anyone's opinion. That's a lot harder if you are younger, or if you are particularly close to parents or other family members.

I wonder what is behind your parents concern about your husband 'controlling' you? Is it the fact that you have stopped dressing in your usual way, you are quieter, you have dropped your friends and no longer socialise? All of these things could be worrying to a parent if they can see no other reason for them than the influence of your husband. Maybe keeping your conversion a secret from your parents makes you appear nervous or worried when you're with them? I'm just speculating here, trying to understand your parents point of view, but of course I might be way off the mark.

All the changes for the better which come about when someone converts to Islam - becoming more serious, trying to be a better person and make all our actions pleasing to God, avoiding haram like alcohol, immodesty and backbiting and so on - these can cause those people who knew us before to think that we've 'cracked up' and are no longer the same fun-loving, easy-going person we were before. Unfortunately they may not appreciate the new us. This even applies to people who may be regarded as 'religious' according to western standards, which usually means going to church once a week on a Sunday, and who see no harm in getting drunk and having fun in ways which may not be acceptable for a practising Muslim.

I think it's probably going to come as a shock to your parents if you just blurt out that you're now a Muslim. If I was you I would prepare them a bit beforehand by dropping the occasional comment about being interested in Islam, or tell them you're reading books about Islam and finding it very interesting or something like that. If they start going ballistic do your best to stay calm. Don't get into pointless arguments if they start coming out with the usual misunderstandings that people have about Islam - just have a phrase ready to trot out like "it's not like that, I don't want to argue with you but it's not like that and we can talk about it another time when you're not angry". Not necessarily exactly that but you know, just have something ready to say that will hopefully end any arguments without getting into a situation where they are going to insult Islam or your husband or something.

It isn't a good idea to spend Christmas with your parents and leave your husband at home, it seems disloyal him really and your life is with him now. Your parents are important but if they love you they should accept your marriage.

Hopefully in time they will appreciate that you are happy being a Muslim and happy with your husband. It may take a while though.

All the best

Stephentlig

Irishmuslim wrote: »

FAMILY VS my husband
salam. i have a problem that hasn´t gone away for over a year now!I can safely say that I have been quite unhappy this past year and i have cried for Ireland. I am married to my husband for a year and a half and my family refuse to accept him. He is muslim ( as am I- reverted 2 years ago). My family thinks that he controls me and that i have no friends because of him. My family still dont know that i am muslim ( i am still plucking up the courage to tell them). and because of this i have changed. i wear more modest clothes and i have no interest in drinking, or clubbing ( i lost this interest before i converted). anyway i am so torn. i love my family so much. my parents have doneso much for me and given me so much. but i´m not prepared to leave my husband for them and i don´t know what to do. It´s christmas now and they want me there without my husband. though my husband and i dont celebrate xmas we still put up decorations etc... ( because its my fave time of year). and i cant just leave ghim on his own. i am so so tired of this. I pray for the help of god. anyone in a similiar situation?

This is really bad, I shall pray for your husband and Family. We must learn to be in peace with each other. My family thought this way too about me and my wife, its because they have been secularized, and although they are Christian, they are lukewarm in their faith ( although I could be a better person myself ) and have joined the world in many ways.

they say you have no friends, God is your only Best friend, then your husband, friends are far and few between. Whatever you do, never leave your husband on his own, he is your new family, but you should try your best to ask God to create peace between you all.

Because of influence of my family, my wife has ceased to wear the sacred veil in the church ( which by Catholic church law all women must do ) and wear a hat instead, which has deeply upset me, but there is nothing I can do except pray that she will return to that practice.



God bless
Stephen

oceanclub

Stephentlig wrote: »

they say you have no friends, God is your only Best friend, then your husband,

Sorry, but I have to say that if indeed the OP has no friends except her husband (she wasn't clear if that was the reality or just her parent's perception of that situation), that is a very unhealthy situation to be in.

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

- "Marriage", from "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran

P.

Stephentlig

oceanclub wrote: »

Sorry, but I have to say that if indeed the OP has no friends except her husband (she wasn't clear if that was the reality or just her parent's perception of that situation), that is a very unhealthy situation to be in.

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

- "Marriage", from "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran

P.

Yes but the point I am trying to stress is although we must let other people in our lives, it does not mean that those people can be trusted, God comes first, then my family and through taking care of my family one could say I am looking after God first, for he resides in their hearts.

having space is healthy, but when people over step the mark and try to change my family then I must put my foot down.

As a Christian I beleive what the Bible tells me and that is that ''no man can be relied on'' ( psalm 117 )

by the way I have kahil Gibrans book, and its very good, lovely poems.

God bless
Stephen