'I see you've played knifey-spoony before': Post Your Favourite TV Quotes!

jefreywithonef

So C&H posters (this'll definitely prevent the thread getting moved from C&H, muhahaha), submit your favourite quotes from tv shows!

From the Simpsons:

Chalmers: "Was that a prayer? A prayer in a public school? God has no place within these Walls, just like fact has no place within organised religion"

Chalmers: ''Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!"

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (the lie dectector blows up)

Maude (I think): "please don't talk about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N..."...
...Krusty: "Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down!"

Some Alan Partridge quotes:

"Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"

[During sex] "Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich city centre?"

"There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."

'‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.''

"That was classic intercourse! So... thanks!"

And classic Fawlty Towers :

Angry German: "Will you stop talking about the war!"
Basil: "You started it!"
Germans: "No we didn't!"
Basil: "Yes you did, you invaded Poland!"

phlegms

Some moar Alan Partridge ones:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NUoiW-0wBc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj9S0EYS5EI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qHxQXf6kK8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ7EPVQXUM8

D4RK ONION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBotwBfwGCQ

My two favourite TV quotes:

"Nicee... Nicceee"

"Friend, ohh, friend, football friend!"

Edit: And how could I forget: "Have a seat, take a seat right over there"

jefreywithonef

D4RK ONION wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBotwBfwGCQ

I was just about to post that link in response to something about a Mars bar in another thread. I decided not to when I realised I've been referencing AP waaaaaaay too much today.

edit: screw it, one last quote for the night: "STOP GETTING BOND WRONG!!!"

Bobalicious93

"Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a package for me"
"Ok Mr. Burns, and what's your first name?"
"......I don't know"

"Oh Thank goodness you arrived to save me Sledge!"
"Oh don't thank goodness, thank Gun"

"Doreau that was extremely violent and totally unnecessary...
I loved it, it was poetry in motion"

"Inspector Hammer, any predictions?"
"Yes. The first brain-transplant will be performed & YOU will be the reciprient."

ironictoaster

Saw this on the cool links thread, cannot believe I forgot all about this!

Mushy

Monzo wrote: »

I was just about to post that link in response to something about a Mars bar in another thread. I decided not to when I realised I've been referencing AP waaaaaaay too much today.

edit: screw it, one last quote for the night: "STOP GETTING BOND WRONG!!!"

You can NEVER quote enough Alan:D Pity its the actions that also make it, seem a bit out of place just typing them.

AP: 'Lynn, can you get...*counts seats* two packs of Toffo's'

AP: 'Jurassic Park'

Homer: 'What if Marge, what if I slipped on the soap in the shower.......Oh My God I'd be killed'

I'll add more when I think of them.

DancingQueen:)

I love 'Are ya stupid or are ya taking lessons?' from Killinaskully

Ginja Ninja

I've already put it up but "The clap" from supernatural

Stev_o

My most over used quote

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYmg0sg8VRs

sock puppet

"I'm the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan"

Jesus Juice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2D3-FkoXNU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIqa11NCbmA

Best way to end a series ever

Mushy

Seriously loving all the Alan Partridge love here!

brummytom

"I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there"


"What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap...?"

electrogrimey

Futurama
"If we hit that bull's eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a pack of cards. Check mate!"

Father Ted
"Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?"

Simpsons
"That's right, I'm a Lieutenant. Lieutenant L.T. Smash".

The Princess Bride (Not TV, but still)
"By any chance do you have 6 fingers on your right hand?"
"Do you start all of your conversations this way?"

Spin The Bottle
"It was a flash dump, Rats, there was nothing I could do"

The Simpsons
"We'll find your car gone using this tracking device"
"Car gone! Car gone!"
"We know that, where has it gone to?"
"CAR GONE! CAR GONE!"

Father Ted
"I'm Eoin McLove. I can have you killed."

syncosised

So much Alan Partridge, I love it!

"Lynn! You couldn't present a ... cat!"

"Not my words, the words of Top Gear magazine"

"Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'"

knockane_ali09

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, 'never try'.

homer simpson

spurious

Linda La Hughes ('Gimme Gimme Gimme')-

'There ain't no such thing as bisexuality, it's just greediness.'

*giggles*

- "No T.V. and no beer make Homer something something"
- "Go crazy?"
- "Don't mind if I do..."

KnifeWRENCH

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

norwegianwood

I don't really like Mock the Week, but I laughed for about 5 minutes after seeing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-oXVwmzxsI

phlegms

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

Someone awesome got me the boxset for Christmas, definitely going to do a black books marathon tonight now!

Pygmalion

Need more IT Crowd, stealing these from the IMDB page:

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do; you've just used a double negative

[Trying to put out a fire and having just set the fire to the extinguisher]
Moss: I'll just put it here with the rest of the fire.

Roy: [repeated throughout the series]
[answering the phone]
Roy: Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Douglas: How the hell do you two guys work with a finger lickin' piece of chicken like that?

Roy: I'm not turning it up to eight Moss! It'll blow my cock off !

This one's a bit too long to quote and embedding disabled but it's worth watching

A Neurotic

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

Bobalicious93

"0118 999 881 99 911 972 5...........3"

It's incredibly sad that I knew that off the top of my head. Please don't tell me that's actually right...

Fad

"They've taken the roads in"

Joneser

Great bit from red dwarf, the punch line is one of my favourites of all time

Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
Rimmer: Aliens!
Lister: What?
The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
Rimmer: Without question.
Lister: They broke my leg.
Rimmer: For some reason.
The Cat: They broke MY leg.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
The Cat: By breaking legs?
Lister: And doing jigsaws?
Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
[pause]
The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
[Cat limps away]

uncleoswald

“Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!”

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YknjhnywGGI

A Neurotic

Thank you for returning my manuscript, and your enclosed nasty niminy piminy little note. I am afraid YOUR letter is unsuitable for ME at the present time as I have just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only assume that it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten foot high braille.

And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this as with all else I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as piss midget.

Still, there’s time for you to change your views and I think you will when we meet - and meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I head-butt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard Black

Joneser

uncleoswald wrote: »

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YknjhnywGGI

omg lol, arrested development is the best show ever, i wont start putting in quotes from it or ill never stop :P