'I see you've played knifey-spoony before': Post Your Favourite TV Quotes!

KnifeWRENCH

A Neurotic wrote: »

Thank you for returning my manuscript, and your enclosed nasty niminy piminy little note. I am afraid YOUR letter is unsuitable for ME at the present time as I have just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only assume that it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten foot high braille.

And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this as with all else I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as piss midget.

Still, there’s time for you to change your views and I think you will when we meet - and meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I head-butt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard Black

EPIC.

"'Oh, I love you Eileen Beag,
I love you Eileen Beag,
I love your feet and your eyes and your face.
I love your knees and your house and your... place,
I love your cows and your mother and your teeth.
I love your cupboards and your loft and your swimming pool,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
Eileen Beag,
But leave us alone now for the minute.'

Jako8

Murray: Be careful with it. Don't stand next to any big magnets.
Jemaine: Why would I stand next to a big magnet?
Murray: I don't know what you do in your personal life.

Dave: Women love that sensitive nautical ****.
Bret: Really?
Dave: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen Watership Down?

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently some would say more correctly. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.

Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Cro-Asians, even the Indians
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you
can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

These aren't even the best quotes/

Jesus Juice

I LOVE THIS THREAD:D

Pygmalion

Jesus Juice wrote: »

I LOVE THIS THREAD:D

What show is that quote from?

Jako8

Pygmalion wrote: »

What show is that quote from?

The failed Boards.ie TV pilot.

Shacklebolt

Good old Peep Show....

"Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face reality."

"Crunchy Nut cornflakes are just Frosties for ****."

"So finally justice is served. Well, not actual justice, just what I wanted. Which is basically the same thing."

"I have to find April before somebody else realises she has that magical combination of good looks and low self esteem! "

"Yes I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic, that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure! This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years, I hope you're proud!"

"Stop pissing on my bonfire."
"There IS no bonfire!"
"Because you keep pissing on it!!"

"Oh Superhans just took 4 grams of coke to relax him for the big speech..."

"This is good, this is just like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard on, and I want to cry."

"Meet my friend Mr stabby knife!"

Jesus Juice

''We have them in America, they're called Bull Frogs''
''Really?I would've called them Chuzzwazzahs!''

Shacklebolt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av8NTy5WkFc

KnifeWRENCH

Aargh! TOO MANY QUOTES!

Futurama
"One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And then the next day he has nothing. It really makes you think." - Zapp Branigan

"Your music's bad and you should feel bad" - Dr. Zoidberg

Fry: "Tell her she looks thin."
Zoidberg: "You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?"

FOTC
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

Dave: It shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie - "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" - she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
Jemaine: I haven't...I haven't seen that one.
Dave: Well, it really affected me.

Landlord: I'm going to give you a month to pay me
Bret: Can we pick which month?
Landlord: No

Murray: Greg, I need some anti-glue.
Greg: What is anti-glue?
Murray: It's anti-glue, it gets rid of glue.
Greg: I don't think that exists Murray.
Murray: Well, just get it, okay?

Jemaine: You're so beautiful, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.

Bret: She's so hot, but I don't want to tell her 'cause she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist......bitch."

Arrested Development
Tobias: Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.

Tobias: "I just blue myself."

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael Bluth: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.

Gob:I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and **** me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Maeby, talking about Ann: "She barely even has a face.You couldnt pick her out of a lineup of one"

Lucille, talking about her Mexican housekeeper: "They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends."

Gob: "I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper."

peabutler

Will: Can We just Please have some fucking civilised conversation, for one day!!!


Neil: So, How many pieces of Lego can you stick up your bum?

Arcade Panda

Flight of the Conchords: Season One

Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.

---

Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus]
Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you...
Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.

Shacklebolt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRT70ceAMQ4

jefreywithonef

Peep Show:
Jez: And you've got weird nuts.
Mark: What?! How did you....
Jez: If you're going to watch T.V. in your dressing gown, you may want to put some pants on.

Jez - Stop pissing on my bonfire.
Mark - There is no bonfire?!
Jez - That's because you keep pissing on it.

Mark: "Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back."

Jeremy: You da man!!!
Mark: I'm a man!!
Jeremy: It's you da man
Mark: Whatever Jeremy, lets not quibble. . I'm a man!

Mark: Oh great - I'm having an angry lapdance!
Mark [during lapdance]: Oh great. I’m getting an erection. How grimly predictable.

Jez: [speaking at his uncle's funeral] Uh, yeah, I spent some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact, I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral. Yeah?

Super Hans: people like coldplay and voted for the nazis, you cant trust people jeremy.

Bobalicious93

Who loves orange soda?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcdPcqls-u8

D4RK ONION

Look what Kel is doing these days!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOrAB-feefg

This is mixed by the same guy who did the slapchop. That show is actually very funny.

"And eventually you just hope for that release"

"YOU'RE UNSTABLE" haha, that bit gets me everytime

masseyferguson

nelson muntz:shopliftings a victimless crime,like punchin someone in the dark

Shacklebolt

Oh I'm painfully aware what Kel does these days....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmQYcYoTkDk

Dothehustle

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish.
Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?

Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate

Simon: Its YOUR spunk!!
Neil: but it's YOUR car!
Simon: What...so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Rowley Birkin QC

Only reason I mention is is because I was walking through a ridiculously crowded Coppers one night, bumped into some guy and was jokingly waving my fist at him, this blonde girl quoted this in a perfect Shelbyville accent, I was absolutely dumbstruck, we spent about 30 minutes exchanging quotations and opinions on 80's power ballads. Then she got pissed off when I told her I had a girlfriend. It was good while it lasted though!!

A Neurotic

*Futurama - Fry is smelling various planets using the Professor's Smelloscope*

Fry: Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. :pac: :pac: :pac:

Leela: I don't get it...

Professor: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: Oh. What's it called now?

Professor: Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

banjopaul

"Don't you dare use the word party as a verb in my shop!"

Bernard Black is my god

KnifeWRENCH

Some 30 Rock quotes:

Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.

Liz: What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz: Well I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Jack:You must know Arsenio...
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named *Arsenio Billingham*?
Tracy: No.

Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger... Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after 6! What am I, a farmer?

Tracy: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Liz: Hey, Frank! What do guys like?
Frank: Porn.
Liz: No, I mean if you are gonna go on a date with a woman, how would yo want her to act?
Frank: Like she is in porn.

Liz: Tracy has... mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.

Jenna: I'm gonna get back at them.....using my sexuality.

Jenna: Oh, I'm not worried because I have something the other actors don't.
Liz: Don't say your sexuality.
Jenna: My sexuality.

Jenna: A drinking contest? What am I, 12 and at my boyfriends frat party?

Liz: Okay, this is gonna sound really weird. But, um, you need to wear a bra.
Cerie: Oh, no.I don't actually. They kinda just stay up on their own.
Liz: Um, yeah, okay. What I'm saying is you need to wear a bra to work if you wanna be taken seriously in this business.
Cerie: Oh, but I don't actually wanna work in television. Career-wise, I'm just gonna marry rich and design handbags.

Daysha

Sawyer: How are you doing?
Sayid: A 12 year old Ben Linu just brought me a chicken sandwich. How do you think I'm doing?

Sums up the insanity of Lost to a tee

Jesus Juice

Zapp Brannigan: Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go... You want the rest of the cham-paggin?
Leela: No, and it's pronounced "cham-pain".
Zapp Brannigan: Oh, God, no!

Zapp: If you need any men, you can have hoards of mine, right men?


Voice from the crowd:you suck!

Solider: Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?
Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the ones who are going to be dying.

One of the best characters ever!

D2D

Surprised there's not many Family Guy quotes here:

Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You b*****d

And 3 classic Simpsons quotes:

Ralph: Me fail english, that's un-possible
Ralph: Hi, Super-Nintendo Chalmers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn_cqrL4MFU

Jesus Juice

Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping on it?
Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

One more,its just too good not to put in

KnifeWRENCH

Pygmalion wrote: »

Need more IT Crowd, stealing these from the IMDB page:

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do; you've just used a double negative

[Trying to put out a fire and having just set the fire to the extinguisher]
Moss: I'll just put it here with the rest of the fire.

Roy: [repeated throughout the series]
[answering the phone]
Roy: Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Douglas: How the hell do you two guys work with a finger lickin' piece of chicken like that?

Roy: I'm not turning it up to eight Moss! It'll blow my cock off !

This one's a bit too long to quote and embedding disabled but it's worth watching

The IT Crowd has possibly my favourite quote from any TV show:

"God damn these electric sex pants!"

(Full scene here)

Actually, I'm gonna make that my sig again.

Mushy

This man is comic gold!

Bobalicious93

Mushy wrote: »

This man is comic gold!

As is Jeff.

"They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM6hR6WP--k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l40t4b-R65I

christina_x

Simon's Dad: Your've had an eventful day bunking off school, buying alchol illegally, defacing carly's drive and insulting Neil's dad, have i missed anything?"
Will: We also hit a spastic with a frispy

Will: I went to fart and instead, **** myself

Will: No one would get fingered for a bet Jay... with the possible exception of your sister.
Jay: Take that back
Will: You're right I do take that back, on the other hand your mum would probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Neil: He rubbed my legs
Jay: That's what you get for leading on Peados you slut!

Will: Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts
Jay: Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot
Will: Did you? I thought you were really into her
Jay: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and (sobbing) my cock was too big for her