'I see you've played knifey-spoony before': Post Your Favourite TV Quotes!

Namlub

Jeremy Osborne: [holding some Mansize tissues] Look, people will think we spend the whole time ****.
Mark Corrigan: Don't be ridiculous, they're for wiping up mess.
Jeremy Osborne: Yeah, man mess. That's why they're mansize.
Mark Corrigan: They're for men - men's noses, big manly snot.

Super Hans: Tell you what, that crack is really more-ish.

Jeremy Osborne: [crouching behind a bush with Mark, in Sophie's back garden] It's payback time. And she's going to pay back... in fear dollars!

Mark Corrigan: I'm 85% sure I'm straight.

flyswatter

christina_x wrote: »

Simon's Dad: Your've had an eventful day bunking off school, buying alchol illegally, defacing carly's drive and insulting Neil's dad, have i missed anything?"
Will: We also hit a spastic with a frispy

Will: I went to fart and instead, **** myself

Will: No one would get fingered for a bet Jay... with the possible exception of your sister.
Jay: Take that back
Will: You're right I do take that back, on the other hand your mum would probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Neil: He rubbed my legs
Jay: That's what you get for leading on Peados you slut!

Will: Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts
Jay: Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot
Will: Did you? I thought you were really into her
Jay: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and (sobbing) my cock was too big for her

Bus ****!

Namlub

Kath: [trying to talk to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall Kim!
Kim: [confused] What?
Kath: A dyke! on a bike... if you like...

Kath: [thinking Kim is gay] Kim I want you to know, I know that you've thrown your handbag in the river and I'm okay with that...

Sharon: That is so below the belt Kim, and you know how sensitive I am there.

Sharon: Aw, Kimmy, I think it's nice your mum's got a boyfriend. Or are they de factos?
Kim: De facto, night facto, the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme.

Kel: Right. Keep Saturday night free, because I'm going to prove to you I'm all the man you need. Now where did I put my man-bag?

Kim: Here's your statue, Mum.
Kath: Oh, what for the love of God is that?
Kim: It's the statue you wanted.
Kath: What? No it's not, Kim.
Kim: Yes it is, it's a statue of little baby cheeses.
Kath: Little baby cheeses? Oh little baby *Jesus*, Kim, *Jesus*.
[Exasperated]
Kath: Oh, Jesus

Sharon: Marriat is nowhere. He's nowhere and nothing. Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam. After he didn't turn up at the airport, I went to an Internet cafe. And I discovered that Marriat - my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat - is nothing more than a blog. An Internet address. marryat.com. A site that's been offering to marry women all around the world... But, you know, the weird thing is, Mrs D, I still love him!

jefreywithonef

Curb Your Enthusiasm:
[Larry suspects the nurse of having taken Richard's $20,000-in-value ball]
Larry: Can a ball worth in excess of 20,000 dollars just disappear into thin air?
Nurse: Wanna tell me what you're driving at?
Larry: I'll tell you what I'm driving at; I submit you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

Man [out of the blue shouts]: Are you Jewish?
Larry David: You want to check my penis?

Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
Jeff Greene: You don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication!

Larry: Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ? You Know? It’s like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It’s like, I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say “You must like lobster”? “Eat lobster! It’s good. It’s good.” You know, it’s not only where you live; you go to Africa. You travel all over the world. “Eat lobster! Have some more lobster! It’s good!”

Larry: See this thing? It’s a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

KnifeWRENCH

Any West Wing fans out there? For a serious drama about the President of the USA, it is actually funnier than most comedies. These are all just from Season One.

Van Dyke: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?
Bartlet: No.
Van Dyke: Really?
Bartlet: On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.

Flight Attendant: Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.
Toby: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

C.J.: Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"
Leo: He hopes never to do it again.
C.J.: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to say? "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?
C.J.: A little love, Leo.

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Bartlet: Oh, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run and all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.

Leo: There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages.

Sam: You're asking me out on a date.
Mallory: No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
Sam: Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, any sex for you at the end of the evening.
Sam: Right.
Mallory: So what do you say?
Sam: Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say no.

Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

Josh: Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol building exploding.
Donna: What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?

Mandy: Who was the last President to commute a sentence?
Josh: Lincoln.
Mandy: Abraham?
Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.

Josh: What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.

Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No.
Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do.
Bartlet: By who?
Josh: By me.
Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that. I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
Bartlet: You were clear?
Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby: Then shut up.
[congressman leaves]
Josh: What would you have done if he had said he drove an American car?
Toby: Found some other way of humiliating him.

Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.
Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.
Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.

Cochran: I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie: Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of.

Bartlet: What do we do with him?
Sam: Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.
Bartlet: What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?
Sam: Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
Bartlet: I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.

SoulTrader

Alan Partridge, after Michael's friend Tex refers to his truck as a convoy: Michael, you're hanging around with someone who uses a collective term for a single object.

Rowley Birkin QC

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

Any West Wing fans out there? For a serious drama about the President of the USA, it is actually funnier than most comedies. These are all just from Season One.

Just finished watching the box set again last week, ridiculously funny in parts.

phlegms

Fup it, I'm off to have an Alan Partridge marathon!
So glad to see there are other obsessive fans out there, I thought I was the only one..

Jesus Juice

phlegms wrote: »

Fup it, I'm off to have an Alan Partridge marathon!
So glad to see there are other obsessive fans out there, I thought I was the only one..

I have every Alan Partridge episode on my iPod....

The best line ever is ''You should have read your CONEtract''

phlegms

Jesus Juice wrote: »

I have every Alan Partridge episode on my iPod....

The best line ever is ''You should have read your CONEtract''

I was watching that ep on tv the other night. It made me lul.

jefreywithonef

WOAH WOAH WOAH! That's english for 'stop a horse!'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzSQ3xgoh-w

tooler08

I think this was in QI

Never get into a debate with an idiot. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

KnifeWRENCH

Even if you've never seen the West Wing before, EVERYBODY should watch this scene. President Bartlet completely pwns a conservative Christian "doctor" who hates homosexuality.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvQqhkd--a0

A truly epic scene.

PFJSplitter

Mrs. Doyle's reaction to the novelist's books:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw1QaDFyCEQ

Pigwidgeon

not much scrubs in here..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVfBgSx-Cs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LL-8aTVl0Qc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v2mEg9Cpvs

How I Met Your Mother:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQTCUU4N7DU

Barney: It's gonna be legen... wait for it... dary!

Lily: [Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, hell. No!
[grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: [confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?
Lily: [pause, thinks about it] One of each!

Marshall: I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time!
[there is an awkward silence]
Marshall: OK, that came out wrong.

Ted: At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.
[pause]
Ted: And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.

Ted: I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the plunge... Well, I guess that's not a perfect metaphor since... for me it's falling in love and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

Bobalicious93

Black Books:

Manny: Oh look here "Takings, £370"
Bernard: That's good.
Manny: But your outgoings were over £1200!
Bernard: Well, whores will have their trinkets!

Manny on phone to Cleaning company: Everything's covered in filth. Look! *points phone at mess* The whole place is a complete mess, you can't find anything. Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg, with a comb, from a shoe! I'm sorry but I really must insist you send someone immediately!....alright, later today.....alright, tomorrow then, but first thing tomorrow!...alright, after lunch..but just after lunch!......6 o'clock, perfect.

Bernard: *drinking wine* Look at the colours. All the colours....Well, yellow.
Manny: It's like a...a farmyard..of wine.
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck
Manny: Yes, and..sucking all the fluid from..it's beak.

Arcade Panda

I don't know if the soprano's were quoted here before.

Tony: Chicken Soup for the soul? You should read the Italian version, tomatoe sauce for your ass.

Junior: The fed's are so far up my ass I can taste brill cream.

I can't remember the name of the girl who says this: Sometimes when we're having sex I let him hold a gun to my head.
Carmella: I thought you were a feminist

Carmella and Christopher are easilly the funniest characters though:)

phlegms

Arcade Panda wrote: »

I don't know if the soprano's were quoted here before.

Tony: Chicken Soup for the soul? You should read the Italian version, tomatoe sauce for your ass.

Junior: The fed's are so far up my ass I can taste brill cream.

I can't remember the name of the girl who says this: Sometimes when we're having sex I let him hold a gun to my head.
Carmella: I thought you were a feminist

Carmella and Christopher are easilly the funniest characters though:)

Awesome, another Sopranos fan!

Arcade Panda

phlegms wrote: »

Awesome, another Sopranos fan!

Ya they're the only series that I have any and all the box sets for....they're brilliant!
I love any scene with Tony and his sister aswell, there always pretty funny, I wouldn't be suprised if James Gandolfini was like that in real life:)

phlegms

Arcade Panda wrote: »

Ya they're the only series that I have any and all the box sets for....they're brilliant!
I love any scene with Tony and his sister aswell, there always pretty funny, I wouldn't be suprised if James Gandolfini was like that in real life:)

You can totally be my new favourite Boardsie now if you want :pac:

Arcade Panda

phlegms wrote: »

You can totally be my new favourite Boardsie now if you want :pac:

This could be the start of a wonderful friendship:)

The Walsho

This thread has exceeded my expectations. Sopranos, Partridge, Curb, Arrested Development, Peep Show - great job everyone. Needs more Office though.

David Brent: "People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you p*ss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics.""

"There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones."

These work a lot better if you've seen Brent in action.

The Walsho

Sopranos.

Tony Soprano : "Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this."

Tony, in response to Melfi suggesting AJ was doing a "cry for help" : "Or he could just be a fúckin' idiot. Historically, that's been the case."

Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Larry David: "No, because she's always told that the customer's right, when usually, the customer is a moron, and an asshole."

Alan Partridge

Sonia: "I love you, Alan!"
Alan: "...Thanks a lot!"

SoulTrader

Ah David Brent, classic!

Another one from him: "Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them."

jefreywithonef

Probably my favourite Family Guy quote:

Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum worker: Because you touch yourself at night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W23LKD9Z1hw

TheCardHolder

Sorry for the vid and not quotes..

Not usually a fan of the office but this has me in stitches:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sa1o3iBOceE

Seren_

Some quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Thornton Reed: If Won Ton gets wind of this my arse is grass - and he’s got a lawnmower. You dig?

The Padre: You’ll know what to do. You’re the most sensitive man I know… and I know God.

Dr Rick Dagless M.D.:We're doing all we can. but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now.

Sanch: You and he were.... buddies, weren't you?

Garth Marenghi: I have never exploded. But, I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how, I just know. I've always... just known.

Dean Learner: Garth is the most significant artist that I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with Lulu and four other people. So we’re talking crème de la crème.

TheCardHolder

I refuse to let this thread die! It has entertained me well.

jefreywithonef

A gym?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4i8SpNgzA4

Jako8

Monzo wrote: »

A gym?

Oh a gym. *nods*