If you were to come out again,what would you do differently?

Dilynnio

This can be a very difficult time for people so I am interested to know what you would do differently if you had to go through it all again.

It may help some people who are struggling.

For me, I would have trusted my family and friends more for their support. I would have turned to them first.

Looking forward to hearing yours.

L1011

Do it earlier, do it quicker, make sure someone in particular knew rather than assuming they knew.

spurious

Do it earlier.

anotherlostie

I agree with the above. I was 29 when I bit the bullet, and I wish with my heart and soul that I hadn't wasted my twenties hiding in the closet.

I worried too much about what other people would think - in reality they didn't give a damn, in a good way.

BanzaiBk

Done it sober :rolleyes:

Boston

Somethings in life were never meant to be easy. Coming out and coming to terms was extremely hard in every sense of the word. I don't think there's anything I could have done to make it easier. I don't think there's much I'd want to change, so many of the bad experiences I've had in life I've taken a turned into something to make my life better. I have regrets of course, I wish I'd stayed closer to someone who was a friend to me when I needed one. I wish I hadn't been quite so angry all the time back then, I wish I'd talked more about things.

gavkm27

Latley i've been thinking,why did i even bother coming out,i used to go see a counsellor for my general fcukedupness and he was always working me upto it,i had told my mother and sisters,that was easy,but my dad 68 year bogger from Roscommom,no easy way to say it.
But after it all,there was not much spoke about it,i've never talked about my gay life to them,the know and thats it

Aard

I'd have told my best friends all at once, rather than one-by-one, which was my idea at the time. Actually, come to think of it, it was pretty spur-of-the-moment, but I probably should have waited until a specific friend was there to tell the big news. He found out from the original guy I told.


Also, for any budding coming-out-ees, if you're a teenager don't bother telling people not to spread the word. It will spread, most likely like wildfire.

Sir Ophiuchus

Not tell my mother while she was driving.

Nebit

i wouldn do it any differently, i don't think so anyways. I was always going to tell my friends and family when i went to college i knew it was going to happen sooner than later living in a city. The way i told my family was imo for the best, i asked my sister to do it after telling her the same night, it was easier to tell her because i think she knew, but i told her to tell them not to talk to me for a week lol it showed them how i felt about it and in turn how they should act so im happy. I ended up caving in and going home 3days later haha.
it also formed the closest friendship towards a person.

xxlilyxx

mine would definately hav to be not tellin my mam through a text message, i know big mistake ha but everytime i tried to tell her face to face i got sick literally, so if i was to do it over again id jus bite the bullet and tell her face to face

niamh1988

i would have come out 2 years earlier, i wish i had comeout after my leaving cert rather than after 2 years of college

door

Tough thing to think about but still intriguing. I would have come out a lot earlier. Im 26 now. I sort of tried coming out in school but nobody believed me so I didn't say anymore and went back in the closet for the next 10 years.

Sesudra

Like most are saying,I'd do it earlier-first year of college ideally

Aard

Seeing as many people say they'd have come out earlier, as somebody who came out at 15 I can safely say that I don't regret doing it. In fact I advise it, as there's a certain "silly-season" period that ensues, and I'd say it's better gotten out of the way when you're a teenager, rather than in your twenties.

door

Aard wrote: »

Seeing as many people say they'd have come out earlier, as somebody who came out at 15 I can safely say that I don't regret doing it. In fact I advise it, as there's a certain "silly-season" period that ensues, and I'd say it's better gotten out of the way when you're a teenager, rather than in your twenties.

Can you elaborate on "silly season" just so I know what you mean when it happens?

Aard

Well, I guess I mean that I see a lot of gay guys in their 20s and 30s acting like teenagers. My theory is that they weren't out when they were in their teens, and that they're compensating now for the care-free times they missed out on. I should have clarified, though - I'm by no means including everyone, or even the majority, in this, but it is prevalent amongst gay males.

YokoFactor

There's nothing I'd do differently. I only told my closest friends, and they already figured it out anyway. For everyone else, they can just ask and I'll reply in the positive. I didn't, and still don't, want it to be this big deal. My family will never, ever know, and it's going to stay that way, for their (and in a way, my) happiness.

L1011

Aard wrote: »

Seeing as many people say they'd have come out earlier, as somebody who came out at 15 I can safely say that I don't regret doing it. In fact I advise it, as there's a certain "silly-season" period that ensues, and I'd say it's better gotten out of the way when you're a teenager, rather than in your twenties.

I came out partially at 15 (hence the 'do it quicker' bit - it took till I was 20 for everyone important to know), but I'd have still prefered to knock that out even earlier if I could have... but I'd agree on the post coming out bit. Even if it has left me as a cynical old git at 22!

Tricity Bendix

I'm not entirely sure what coming out actually means. It's been a long road from first telling a couple of mates that I fancied men as well as women to now being in a longterm (somewhat) openly gay relationship. But I know for certain I wouldn't have wanted to be out in school. I'm thankful that my personal development wasn't hampered by being pigeon-holed as "the gay/bi guy". Instead I got the chance to develop my personality completely seperatly from my sexuality.

I do wish I'd tried reading the Bible earlier. I got very worked up about what God would think, without ever knowing what belief in Christianity actually entails. That particular source of angst was consigned to the dustbin along with my Bible after I read a good chunk of the Old Testament.

BanzaiBk

Tricity Bendix wrote: »

But I know for certain I wouldn't have wanted to be out in school. I'm thankful that my personal development wasn't hampered by being pigeon-holed as "the gay/bi guy". Instead I got the chance to develop my personality completely seperatly from my sexuality.

Agree totally. Secondary school is hard enough without being the gay kid. We all know people who were just known for being gay when we were in school like.

Boston

Aard wrote: »

Well, I guess I mean that I see a lot of gay guys in their 20s and 30s acting like teenagers. My theory is that they weren't out when they were in their teens, and that they're compensating now for the care-free times they missed out on. I should have clarified, though - I'm by no means including everyone, or even the majority, in this, but it is prevalent amongst gay males.

Shagging left right and centre and generally being tools when it comes to relationships? I never went through this bit but have seen it repeated over and over. It's like right at the start people (cause girls do it to) buy into the idea that if your gay you should be out there having lots of sex, drugs and alcohol just because its so easy and its kinda acceptable.

I think a large factor in why I never went through that phase of things is because I was in a relationship before I started telling people. I never would have come out otherwise. Not because I need to support to do so, though it helped, but rather because I couldn't live with a secret, illicit affair.

Aard

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Agree totally. Secondary school is hard enough without being the gay kid. We all know people who were just known for being gay when we were in school like.

Maybe my school was unusually accepting, but I never really had any problems. Sure, there were a few people who would talk behind my back (and for them, I was the "gay kid"), but they kept to themselves for the most part. I guess it depends on the school. In my group of friends, sexuality was a regular topic of conversation, and I'm pretty sure it would have been that way whether I had come out or not. The fact that I was gay made no real difference; it was just a different perspective, much like two straight people can have different slants on the same thing. Having said that, though, I was in a pretty liberal school in Dublin; were I in rural Ballygobackwards then it'd be a whole nother story.

Boston wrote: »

Shagging left right and centre and generally being tools when it comes to relationships?

Pretty much.

Red_Marauder

I never actually came out to my parents, someone told them "for me". Well, told my mum, I don't know if my dad knows but I presume they talked about it. So yes, I would do things differently!
One thing that really bugs me is people who believe that just because coming out was the right thing for them, it's right for everyone and everyone's parents. It is not. There is a chance my parents already had their suspicions, I never had long term girlfriends for any real length of time, etc. But everyone was comfortable with how things were. I had my own life, things were perfectly fine. Now that I'm 'out', voluntarily or not, things are very different.

In conclusion, I would probably have become less close to the person who thought they were helping things. Please never out anybody or force them to come out against their better judgement.

govinda

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Done it sober :rolleyes:

+1

Epicurus

I wouldnt have said it to my mother in the middle of an argument. Things were too tense for a while afterwards.

YokoFactor

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Agree totally. Secondary school is hard enough without being the gay kid. We all know people who were just known for being gay when we were in school like.

I was *that* gay kid. I got unbelievable amounts of mental abuse, as well as the odd person groping me, spitting at me, throwing rocks, setting fire to the bins outside my house etc. etc., but regardless, I definitely don't think it hampered my personal development. In a weird way I kinda believe it enhanced it. I appreciate how those experiences shaped me into who I am today, even if I am a bit more cautious and jumpy than most people. I kinda fell for the theory of positive disintegration. I guess that's only my story though, and I feel deeply for those who aren't able to cope with their own torment.

Strangely enough, the minute I stepped into first year, I was branded the gay kid, so I didn't have to worry about keeping it a secret... because even if I was straight, they still would have hounded me? I don't know... I never really talk about this stuff and I fear I've babbled so I'll just go over here now.

metamorphosis

I would also have told more people when i was sober. Way too many told with booze down my neck. In my leaving cert i told on a few reliable friends - and then it all kinda went quiet again until last year or so. I would have like to do it more so when i had just finished secondary.
Edit: oh and the reason i would have liked to come out earlier is because i came to realize that very few people actually give a **** and those that don't love you for who you are are not really worth entertaining in life.

Dilynnio

Thanks to all for your input.

On further reflection I probably would have come out earlier also!

It is interesting that a lot of you said that.

solice

If I could do it over again I wouldnt have done it so quickly...I told my folks when I was 14 and they didnt believe me. They were convinced I was going through the phase. Dont get me wrong, they were great about it and very supportive but they were too reasonable and said that I should forget about aligning myself to specific sexualities until I was older and more sure of myself. So I waited 4 more years and told them again when I was 18. They believed me then.

I think I was too young at 14 and if I had my time again, I would wait until I was 18. I would also put more faith in peolpe. I have had very little bad reactions to coming out. And the ones that I consider to be bad, were really not that bad.

rainbow kirby

Would have done it at a younger age - I sorta knew from about age 16, was 21 when I came out to close friends, and I'm still not out to anyone in my family apart from my little sister (I'm 25 now). I'm kinda glad I wasn't out in secondary school though, the girls in my year were bitchy enough without giving them more ammunition.