Loneliness. Is it part & parcel of being gay or am I just a complainer?

LegacyUser

I'll start off by saying that I'm already a registered user on boards but I wanted to post this anonymously.

I'm young, in my mid-teens, 15 and a half to be specific.

A few months back in Summer I decided to come out to my family. (Excluding my dad)
They all seemed to be fine with it, and they told me they half suspected it for some time.
We had a fairly lengthy discussion about it and attempted to clear the air about issues any of us had.

A few days later my mam had to go to the doctor, and while there she brought up about how I came out to them.

The doctor was grand, explained to my mam that it was natural and all that crack and that she had gay relatives herself. However, she warned my mam to tell me that I should absolutely not tell my friends until I'm older and nearly done with school and she said the same about my dad. (Pretty complex reasons for not telling him)

So I took the advice and told neither my friends nor father.

Fast forward to a couple of months later where I feel more isolated then I ever did before I told my family. I know it sounds strange, and I find it hard to explain myself.
Whenever something about sexuality or something comes up and If I say something related to the matter I'm usually met by an awkward silence for a few moments or nothing is said and the topic swiftly changed.

This is driving me mad. I feel isolated and lonely and as weird/ stupid it may sound I felt better before I told anyone.
I feel as if I'm stringing along half a lie yet I can't summon the courage to just get it over with and tell some of my close friends.

I know there are much worse things in life then just feeling alone, but it's tearing me up.

I suppose my question should have been is loneliness part & parcel of being young and gay?

If anyone could tell me what it was like for them at this age I'd greatly appreciate it. I know it'll come to pass in a few years when I'm gone from where I live and rid of the place.

If you made it this far without posting "tl;dr" I thank you.

Mods: I know this could fall under the PI category, but I'd like to keep it under LGB for fairly obvious reasons.

LegacyUser

a.d. I dont have any specific advice for you but I do wish you well.
Teenage years are tough enough without the added "complication" of sexuality issues.

I would like to support your keeping this issue in the LGB forum. The Personal Issues/Relationship Issues forum does have a very strong heterosexual bent.
Having said that, I hope you get some more useful responses.

L1011

Seeing as this is falling down the page with nobody responding...

Its like that for teenagers in general usually - loneliness, that is. Everyone feels isolated at some point during their teenage years, a quick look at PI will find fairly similar stories minus the gay element popping up fairly frequently.

I know a lot of people who starting coming out to friends around your age (myself included) and it does help - but some of it is just down to age and hormones, unfortunately. And loneliness can strike anyone, any age...

I'm not sure thats very helpful, but take from it what you want!

Dwn Wth Vwls

I can understand not wanting it to get around school, but I think if you can trust a friend to keep it to themselves then you should definitely tell them. It really helps to have someone who's not a family member and who's your own age to talk to.

LegacyUser

MYOB wrote: »

Seeing as this is falling down the page with nobody responding...

Its like that for teenagers in general usually - loneliness, that is. Everyone feels isolated at some point during their teenage years, a quick look at PI will find fairly similar stories minus the gay element popping up fairly frequently.

I know a lot of people who starting coming out to friends around your age (myself included) and it does help - but some of it is just down to age and hormones, unfortunately. And loneliness can strike anyone, any age...

I'm not sure thats very helpful, but take from it what you want!

Thanks for your opinion and saving the thread from total obscurity.

I'd put a lot of it down to hormones as well and being a teenager in general can be fairly rocky in its own right.

I had a desperate Christmas and new year and was fairly down in the dumps when I posted that, it just got me thinking about how frustrating it can be to "go through it by yourself" which kinda set off the feeling of being alone/ isolated.

Dwn Wth Vwls, I might just bite the bullet and tell some close friends towards the end of the school year maybe, there's already a few rumours flying around with my friends because of my lack of interest in girlfriends. :rolleyes: The joy of the teenage years. :P

Thanks for ye're advice though, I do appreciate it.

lushballs

Hiya,
Check out the Belongto.org website. They have a group in Dublin on Sundays 3-6:30pm for young people aged 14-23. Many of the young people are dealing with the same issues and could give you support.
Good Luck

Annasopra

hi
Just to say as well there is an online support service provided by belong to - if you have a look at www.belongto.org - you should be able to find details

Reflector

Hi OP,

You are on the younger side of people coming out which must be commended and also remember your family has accepted you so that is a good start. It may seem lonely as it is hard to meet other gay people your own age. You have to remember that other teens mightn't be ready to come out at such a young age. It may be worthwhile trying belongto but I reckon you may be even younger than most there but it is still a great place to meet gay teens. Also try not to focus too much on this, your sexuality is a part of you but not everything. Focus on other things that you enjoy, music, sport. friendships whatever. Also get through school, believe me it gets a whole lot more interesting once you get out of there.

Best of luck.

Boston

Don't downplay loneliness, yes their are things like Famine and war in the world, but your world is the one you live in and loneliness can be pretty hard to live with. Personally I found that no matter how well I got on with someone, if they didn't know then there was always a barrier in the relationship, this far and no further type thing. Your sexuality doesn't have to be the end all and be all of your existence, but it will be a major part of who you are. As such people can never really be close to you without knowing. I'm sure your mother's doctor had the best intention but being a medical doctor doesn't mean she's in the a position to judge how you should live your life. Mothers, especially Irish Mothers, have this terrible habit of underestimating their son's ability to cope with life's trials. Tell a friend, maybe they'll keep it to themselves, maybe they'll tell the entire world, maybe that's better then tearing yourself up inside. You decide.

As a suggestion, I know more then one gay guy who went away for a summer, met new people, made their mistakes, and came home with a better understanding of who they were and how to live their life. You're the right age for CTYI summer program, which is a month long program at in DCU, you can live there in dorms with other teenagers, or commute each day. Chances are no one you know will be there. You can met new friends, come out to them if you want, live life with people around you knowing. If you're outed to the world it will only be to those people and a few weeks later you'll never have to see them again, it won't affect you school or home life. Chalk it up to experience, no harm done. If you get on and make friends and they accept you, great, you've a group of friends away from school who know you and accept you.


Ps, Pi style posts have always been welcome here, it's one of the reasons why you're allowed post anonymous.

LegacyUser

Boston wrote: »

Don't downplay loneliness, yes their are things like Famine and war in the world, but your world is the one you live in and loneliness can be pretty hard to live with. Personally I found that no matter how well I got on with someone, if they didn't know then there was always a barrier in the relationship, this far and no further type thing. Your sexuality doesn't have to be the end all and be all of your existence, but it will be a major part of who you are. As such people can never really be close to you without knowing. I'm sure your mother's doctor had the best intention but being a medical doctor doesn't mean she's in the a position to judge how you should live your life. Mothers, especially Irish Mothers, have this terrible habit of underestimating their son's ability to cope with life's trials. Tell a friend, maybe they'll keep it to themselves, maybe they'll tell the entire world, maybe that's better then tearing yourself up inside. You decide.

As a suggestion, I know more then one gay guy who went away for a summer, met new people, made their mistakes, and came home with a better understanding of who they were and how to live their life. You're the right age for CTYI summer program, which is a month long program at in DCU, you can live there in dorms with other teenagers, or commute each day. Chances are no one you know will be there. You can met new friends, come out to them if you want, live life with people around you knowing. If you're outed to the world it will only be to those people and a few weeks later you'll never have to see them again, it won't affect you school or home life. Chalk it up to experience, no harm done. If you get on and make friends and they accept you, great, you've a group of friends away from school who know you and accept you.


Ps, Pi style posts have always been welcome here, it's one of the reasons why you're allowed post anonymous.

I Found your post to be a great help, thanks a million.

And thanks to everyone else for their advice too, I really appreciate it.

KeyLimePie

Congrats on coming out.

But on the friends side of thing, the doctor is a twat. I came out at 14 to my friends and it never did me any wrong. I'm sure he has all the bets intentions but things have changed a long time since when he was young.

I'm not saying you should jump on the lunch table and make a motion to alert the school population but you could tell a close friend or two.

And a note on the belongto stuff, stay well away. An age limit of 14-23 what the hell are the organizers on? Also for that matter stay away from any gay dating website, especially since you're only 15.

markphillips

Hey OP

As a younger gay person I can totally see where you are coming from. I especially struggled with my sexuality at around your age and didn't even come out to my parents at the time. The whole thing seemed so daunting, and I was worried my friends would not accept me. On top of that, the ideas about the gay "lifestyle" and it's seemingly inevitable loneliness had me even more down about the whole thing.

I do not know the situation about your father but I think it would be healthy for you to talk to your friends about it. If your family thought you were gay, your close pals might have a hunch too. Even if you just let your closest friend know in whatever way seems easiest for you, I am sure it would be a massive weight off your shoulder.

Being lonely isn't part and parcel of being gay. It does happen though when you are young like us and confused about how to deal with who you are and how best to fit in with the world around you. Keep the chin up and things will take a turn for the better before long, trust me on that one!

Aard

markphillips wrote: »

Being lonely isn't part and parcel of being gay. It does happen though when you are young like us...

+1

Loneliness isn't that uncommon a feeling for teenagers. What I'd urge you (and all you lonely teens out there too!) is to TALK to somebody. Anybody! Try to get somebody non-judgmental - your peers are usually the best bet. Yeah, there's a possibility that if you tell your friends that they'll ostracise you, and you'll be even more lonely. But chances are that if they're friends with you, they're not going to up-and-leave now. Give it a shot.

Masquerade

In regards to coming out to your friends, you are the only one who can really say whether that would be a good idea or not.
If possible, try to suss out your friend's opinions and attitudes towards homosexuality in general (its very possibly they could have an openly gay family member), and try to judge yourself whether they would accept your sexuality.

I was about the same age as you when I came out to my closer friends (19 now, but it feels like only yesterday I was worrying what my friends might think if I told them!). I kind of justed hinted at, half joking, for a while until it came to the point where I realised they wouldn't care that I was gay, and they realised that I wasn't joking! My friends took it really well. If anything, it strengthened our friendship.

Unfortunately it doesn't go that well for everyone, but ultimately it's your call. I would say that the sooner you're 'out' the better, even if it's only to one or two very close friends who you can confide in.
Finding other gay people your own age can be fantastic too, just to be able to talk openly to people who know where you're coming from.

Best of luck with it.

Dr_Phil

Hey OP

I think you need a bit of a professional opinion here

World is full of good people, so you don't have to be lonely at all - unless YOU close yourself in your own world, scared of everyone, possible reaction, bullying etc. The more you think about it the more paranoid you get. It's not HIV but just a sexual preference ffs! Don't feel worse because your sexual preference is different than your next door neighbour's. You don't have to announce it to everybody, because people don't care who do you sleep with, but simply enjoy your life. You are as normal as everybody else. I say whoever makes you feel bad is just a fecking moron. Any who cares about morons?

Boston

Dr_Phil wrote: »

Hey OP

I think you need a bit of a professional opinion here

Erm, he needs a friend, not a councillor.

Crackerspray

Hey OP, I think some of the above posters are right when they say that every teen goes through a lonely patch due to hormones or whatever, but I think the doctor was wrong to insist that you dont tell your friends about yourself. I think you will know yourself when to tell them and remember, you dont need to tell them all at once!

I was 17/18 when I told my friends and I wish I had said it earlier. When I went to college I kept myself a secret again and it caused me to feel a bit withdrawn (to say the least) But when I actually told my new mates my 'secret' they were more upset that I hadn't said anything earlier!! You'll feel you've had a great weight lifted from you when you find the right time to tell your mates and I'm sure you wont look back

Annasopra

Reflector wrote: »

Hi OP,

You are on the younger side of people coming out

this is actually not true - A lot has changed in recent years - research has shown that there are a lot of people coming out in their mid teens -

Sir Ophiuchus

Johnnymcg wrote: »

this is actually not true - A lot has changed in recent years - research has shown that there are a lot of people coming out in their mid teens -

Demographics aside, fifteen is still young to come out.

I'll second the recommendation of BelongTo, they're a great group.

azezil

Boston wrote: »

Erm, he needs a friend, not a councillor.

*points to the username: "Dr_Phil" and the smiley ";)"*
I get jokes ^_^

Boston

Lol, tht went over my head.

Annasopra

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

Demographics aside, fifteen is still young to come out.
.

It's not - nowadays quite a lot of people come out at 15 and the average age of coming out at 17 - I know this sounds pedantic - but actually it's an important point because the advice given to the OP seems to me to be based on assumptions that people don't come out in their teens and I think that perhaps we need to reasssure the OP that actually people his age do come out and that there are a lot of other people aged 15 who have come out

Sir Ophiuchus

Johnnymcg wrote: »

It's not - nowadays quite a lot of people come out at 15 and the average age of coming out at 17 - I know this sounds pedantic - but actually it's an important point because the advice given to the OP seems to me to be based on assumptions that people don't come out in their teens and I think that perhaps we need to reasssure the OP that actually people his age do come out and that there are a lot of other people aged 15 who have come out

Fair enough. I think we were both approaching this from different directions with the best of motives: you've explained yours, and I felt it necessary to point out that coming out at a young age (and 15 is "young" whether or not it's an unusual age to come out at) has unique challenges that could benefit from support like BeLonGTo provides.

ajxx

At the risk of being slated here I have a number of friends who came out at 14/15 who literally had to change schools because of it... While thats naturally a reflection on the school and fellow students I dont think its the type of hassle I'd wish on any mid-teens youth. Furthermore id suggest that it depends on how familar people in your area are with gay people - like if your in a rural area then id be more wary...

Conversly an acquaintance was out in his Dublin school from like 13ish and it was never an issue - the only downside is that hes still known in social circles as the gay guy from this school (despite now being 22)... he did however serve as the fore-runner for challenging peoples notions on sexuality and has left it significantly easier for some of his schoolfriends and people in years below him to come out...

As for loneliness I think a lot of that is relieved by telling one or two trusted people - perhaps including one or two close female friends who at least you can talk about guys to - as understanding as some male friends can be at 15 if they are at all insecure themselves they wont be too thrilled if your accidentally checking out boys in their company!

Donnaghm

I was too caught up in playing the game as it were when I was that age ie being good at sports, impressing my friends, scoring the odd girl etc. Satisfying my sexual urges just wasn't a priority. When it came to my leaving cert, i just couldn't ignore my sexuality any more so I came out in college. I can't imagine the abuse I'd get if i came out in South Kerry during secondary school. I simply wasn't strong enough to cope with something like that. I commend you Sir.

Dally

Definitely check out Dublin's gay youth group, or your local one. I found it great when I was coming out at 16. Are you in Dublin?

I can understand why your doctor thought she should say that about keeping it to yourself in school, but really that decision is yours. If you it feels right to tell people, do it.

Squaw Crow

It is a very lonely place in secondary school for a young gay person. I think that half of it comes from living a double life - you may think you have to life up to your friends expectations or get involved in discussion about the opposite sex (even though you might not have any interest in them ) to fit in. Coming out is a personal choice to make and I don't think you should not come out because the doctor told you to. I think she was trying to hint at the difficulties that it might bring -but it is a decision you have to make. It feels much better once you come out to a friend who you can trust so that you feel like you don't have to hide part of yourself all the time. Good luck and know that it tends to get better when you get out of secondary school.

LeeRoyX

i wouldn't confess am a gay being in a secondary school cause we all know how cruel and unjust sometimes pupils can be. anyway you should decide by yourself whether to tell them or not. i just don't want they hurt you much cause their reaction probably will make you miserable and it will stand on your road in future, good luck to you mate