Starting all over again....EEK

Nadaur

I'm going through an unusual transition at the moment, I'm going to be, essentially, a single parent at 35.And it terrifies me.

Long story short,one friday I came home from work and was greeted with:

its not that I met someone but... love you not in love yadda yadda.......
get out and leave your wallet!:eek:

The initial reason I'm terrified is for my children.

I've been a Dad for 5yrs, (2 boys 5yr and 3yr, younger is ASD) and I've loved-cried-laughed-worried-fought-laughed-kissedbetter-haggled-bribed every minute of it. Now I'm being told(after fighting for the priviledge) that I'll be sharing custody and not to annoy m'lady when its my time.

This in itself isn't at all worrying, but i do fear for inconsistency in the boys lives.

any suggestions on what I can expect.

The second reason I'm terrified is.........................................................
I have to start a life. Its over a decade since I looked at a woman that wasn't m'lady, and to be honest, I don't want to at the moment.
I've been warned that I can;t allow myself to vicariously live through the boys, and I can see how this will be an easy option.

I've probably posted in the wrong section.
apologies if I have.

Nadaur

Sleepy

Nothing wrong with focusing on your children instead of pursuing new relationships for the short to medium term if you ask me. In fact, having some time alone prior to starting anything new is pretty much mandatory to ensuring any chance of healthy relationships in the future imho.

There's guaranteed to be some inconsistencies in your boys' lives if they're spending one week with mammy and the next with daddy. The best you can do is to try and minimise things through discussion with their mother - try and agree the same rules and punishments for misbehaviour / rewards for good behaviour. Where you can't agree a compromise just lay it out for the children that what's acceptable in mammy's house isn't acceptable in daddy's or vice versa. They're young enough to take this as a given when they're told it. For example my 4 year old step-son knows that his granny lets him jump on the couch in his daddy's house but it's not allowed in our house (we explain it to him that jumping on the couch makes dust come out and that makes me "sneezey" and that's enough for him).

in two minds

OP, i am in the same situation, except i am the mother, and a few years younger than yourself. Am absolutely devastated and full of fear for the future.

ttoppcat

First off, Nadaur and in two minds, ye have my sympathy. Horrible thing to happen, and an even ****tier time of year for it to happen:(
For both of you the best advice i can give is Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nadaur your post seems thankfully without bitterness or recrimination (hats off to you..I know its not easy!!) so I'm assuming that you and your ex will be able to sit down civilly and discuss arrangements that suit you both. I've been seperated from my daughters father since she was a baby but he has her every wednesday from 1pm till school on thursday morning and every second weekend..BUT what really makes the difference is he can call over any time he likes to take her to the pool/park or just to join us for dinner. Its the best we can do to give her as close to a "normal" family life.
Its not always easy but we try as much as possible to "co-parent" and not undermine the other. Again communication is vital in this.
I dont know if this is an option for you or for In two Minds and i know it wont work for everybody but the most important thing here is the kids and adults should try at all times to keep that in mind,

Also there's a free Family Mediation service offered by Dept of Soc and Family Affairs, if you feel you cant sort out the details between you.

Best of luck to both of you:)

smelltheglove

I would like to mirror what topcat says, it is important to discuss things and have things civil.

Being from a broken family and knowing how I felt as a child with bitter fighting parents I never wanted this for my child. I think the best thing we could have done was put our differences behind us as my daughter really enjoys the fact that we all get along. Even my husband and my ex are fine together and can have a laugh.

Its a hard process and yes there may be hiccups along the way but for the sake of the children always try to be the bigger person if a fight erupts and walk away, try to keep things civil at all times.

Another thing I think helps a lot is when say a mother says to her child isnt she lucky she has a great daddy even if they are seperated and vica versa, let the kids think that they have the best of both, they may feel lost or left out when one parent isnt there but it doesnt mean you cannot talk about the other parent, help in the excitement in the run up to change over, i.e. isnt it great you're going to daddys, I bet you'll have a great time, you're so lucky and that. Its hard to do it all with a smile on your face at first but trust me in the long run it is well worth it.

Nadaur

thanks for the replies people,