So upset for little one but am I over reacting

ash23

For a long time she felt as those I was out to win my ex back. And that he would respond. She prohibited him from speaking to me or texting me. All contact had to be via email etc. Thats died down a bit in the last few months. I'm not sure. One part of me thinks she might be easier to reason with. Another thinks she wouldn't thank me if I told her she was on fire.

Either way I'd have to go through ex to get her contact details and there's no way he'd allow me to contact her.

themusicman

Ash23

A hard one to solve imho but here are my thoughts for what they are worth.

You must do what you are most comfortable with for your daughter. You are her primary carer and do that daily. As her secondary carer her daddy should respect that but obviously this issue is creating difficulties.

Sharing parenting when living apart is difficult enough when communication is excellent. The non physically present parent can always find it harder as they are not there and consequently are not immediately involved in a situation. When communication is not excellent then the problems become even larger and the child came be seen as a pawn in a game(even though this is not necessarily the case)

You are in the best position to judge what is in the best long term interests of your daughter, and obviously you feel that the proposal is not acceptable to you. So do not go along with it and create worry that will inevitably transfer itself to your child. There are 3 issues to be sorted out, namely the sleeping arrangements, the girlfriend and the housesharer. All 3 must be tackled and maybe reversing the situation so that it would be seen from your point of view is important...ie if you did what is being suggested how would it be perceived by daddy.

Given what you have said this might seem patronising but its not meant to be. Do keep the happiness of your daughter as the primary focus of the situation, even when its being suggested that you are being difficult. There is a way around this but it will take time and communication so there will be no instant answer.

And good luck

LegacyUser

hi ash my other half has a child he was split from his ex long before me and him but she still had a problem with the child being around me after 2 years,we live together now and child has their own room so she cant really complain,but it can be very hard on your ex and his partner i was made feel like a criminal or a pervert for being in a relationship with someone who has a child because of his ex unreasonable behaviour not being "comortable" with another girl around.

we never slept in the same room as the child we didnt have to and i wouldnt like sharing a room with child anyway,child should have privacy as should adults,but i would be careful not to influence your childs thoughts and not let your own feelings interefere.

ur ex would likely give ur daughter her own room if he could sleeping "in the wardrobe as you call it is the best he can do at present short of kick mary into spare room where child isnt going because you said no to this already,and have the child sleep in with him which isnt possible either at your daughters age she should have a bed of her own.

i dont remember if u said there wer clothes in this wardrobe or not but if theres not then i dont see a problem for one night a week mary or no mary its obviously a walk in thats empty that can fit a bed and it is out of the main room, sure tell her it was a small room that you used to put clothes in!.

i think personally u are unintentionally making ur daughter feel this way by saying negative things like putting her in a wardrobe, if she did ask of her own mind why am i sleeping " in the wardrobe" explain with daddy that this is the best he can do to be near her right now and have her sleep over,u dont know if hes gonna do it up.

we had his ex saying we didnt do up childs room one time, how would she know?? why would she say this at all?we had decorated the room and it came up between himself and her and she was all no you didnt youd never do anything like that-crazy stuff! i think women go a bit la la wen they are left regardless of for another woman or not, you need to think about your child and not your feelings.

she is better off in with dad if strangers in the house,room is separated ask dad to put a door on if it really really bothers you he may tell you to pay for it, keep your feelings to yourself and dont burden your child, she will stay with dad no matter where she sleeps,and she will be happy its better she see him and stays in a small room than not at all.

Shelli

I cannot believe that this man think putting his child in a wardrobe is an acceptable solution. Surely Mary can spend a few hours in another room for the sake of the childs feelings! This is madness.

Print off this thread and hand it to him. Show him that reasonable people think he's being a jackass and that you having a problem with this arrangement has nothing to do with you and him, or Mary for that matter. The child is paramount here.

smelltheglove

Can I suggest making the idea of this wardrobe fun? Try not to refer to it as a wardrobe, kids pick up on bad feelings as they do good so the best suggestion I can make is to big up everything about going to daddies, i.e. a fun sleepover with dad and Mary nextdoor like a party. Why not next time you are out and about let herpick up something to decorate her new room with like a poster or a couple of nice cushions.

These days some box rooms are smaller than walk in wardrobes, I know my boxroom is smaller than the walk in in my sister in laws house, doesnt make it less of a room now and it does sound like your ex is trying to keep her close by without disrupting her personal space.

Break ups are hard for all involved and often you one can feel like the other is out to get them, even if you think he is being argumentative I suggest you back away from all arguments. I also suggest trying aa little bit of positive communication, when he picks up child or drops her off ask what the plans are, ooj are you doing anything fun etc etc. If your child feels you are excited for her she may be excited too.

Another thing I did with my daughter was, I always had a picture of her daddy around for her, when I bought my first house there was a pic of her and her daddy on the sitting room wall. After moving in with my now hubbie obviously this isnt so appropriate but she does have pictures by her bed of him and members of his family. This way there is a constant inclusion. It may also be an idea to give her a picture of yourself and her in a kiddie frame for her new room or make up a little photo album for her if this wouldnt be so acceptable, that way you could include a lot of personal family pictures with herself and you as wwell as herself and her daddy, even grandparents etc.

Dont look for an immediate solution to this, there isnt one, you need to build a positive outlook for your child and the only way you can do that is by being positive yourself and communicating in a positive way with your ex and even Mary.

di11on

My opinion, for what it's worth.

This guy fathered a daughter and he owes her. He's turned her life upside down by walking out on her. That's what he's done. He's left both mother and daughter, no two ways about it.

So, child feels abandoned by father. Reasonable reaction. She has.

He's got to cop on. His little girl deserves more than the wardrobe.

I feel so sad for her. OP. I hope he can see the responsbility he has and takes it seriously.

ash23

hi ash my other half has a child he was split from his ex long before me and him but she still had a problem with the child being around me after 2 years,we live together now and child has their own room so she cant really complain,but it can be very hard on your ex and his partner i was made feel like a criminal or a pervert for being in a relationship with someone who has a child because of his ex unreasonable behaviour not being "comortable" with another girl around.

I have agreed she can meet Mary and spend time with Mary. I haven't in any way suggested that it is inappropriate for Mary to spend time with the child.

we never slept in the same room as the child we didnt have to and i wouldnt like sharing a room with child anyway,child should have privacy as should adults,but i would be careful not to influence your childs thoughts and not let your own feelings interefere.

He doesn't have to share a room with Mary and the child. There is a spare room.
My own feelings are not about Mary, but about what is appropriate for a 7 year old child in terms of the introduction of a girlfriend/boyfriend. I wouldn't dream of having a man my daughter had just met, sleeping in our home overnight with the child there, let alone in the same room. It's inappropriate and it's a bad example to her. I did offer that he could take the child for the day with Mary instead of overnights due to my concern over the sleeping arrangments which he ignored.

ur ex would likely give ur daughter her own room if he could sleeping "in the wardrobe as you call it is the best he can do at present short of kick mary into spare room where child isnt going because you said no to this already,and have the child sleep in with him which isnt possible either at your daughters age she should have a bed of her own.

Ex cannot give child a room of her own as he decided to let the spare room to a guy. He can however leave her bed in his room where it is at present and ask Mary to sleep in the childs room. Bear in mind this isn't every weekend. It's one night, once a month.

i dont remember if u said there wer clothes in this wardrobe or not but if theres not then i dont see a problem for one night a week mary or no mary its obviously a walk in thats empty that can fit a bed and it is out of the main room, sure tell her it was a small room that you used to put clothes in!.

because the room is smaller than an ensuite bathroom. it fits a bed, just about. There are no curtains on the window. The only reason a bed fits is because the door opens outwards.
It still leads into her dads bedroom where she will see him sleeping with a woman she has just met.

i think personally u are unintentionally making ur daughter feel this way by saying negative things like putting her in a wardrobe, if she did ask of her own mind why am i sleeping " in the wardrobe" explain with daddy that this is the best he can do to be near her right now and have her sleep over,u dont know if hes gonna do it up.

I explained all this to her. At the end of the day the child lived in the house with me and him for 3 years. She has stayed there once a week for the last 18 months. She knows what the room is. I don't believe that this is the best thing that daddy can offer so I will not be building him up.

we had his ex saying we didnt do up childs room one time, how would she know?? why would she say this at all?we had decorated the room and it came up between himself and her and she was all no you didnt youd never do anything like that-crazy stuff! i think women go a bit la la wen they are left regardless of for another woman or not, you need to think about your child and not your feelings.

I'm not your OHs ex.
If I were only thinking of my own feelings he would never see my child again. I do what I do as it's best for her. He knows he can have her whenever he likes. He has never once asked for her.
He agreed to take her friday nights so he could take an occasional saturday off and spend the morning with her. That was his idea. That was over a year ago. He has NEVER taken a saturday off to spend with her. I can give a list of times he has let the child down but I'd be here all night.

she is better off in with dad if strangers in the house,room is separated ask dad to put a door on if it really really bothers you he may tell you to pay for it,

I agree she is better in dads room. That has been the agreement since his housemate moved in.

keep your feelings to yourself and dont burden your child, she will stay with dad no matter where she sleeps,and she will be happy its better she see him and stays in a small room than not at all

With all due respect you have no idea of my relationship with my child.
My daughter tells me things she would never say to her father. It is better she sees him and stays in a small room if that were the only option.
But it is better that Mary stays in the spare room while my child is there one night a month than my child see her dad in bed with a woman not known to her. No?



As for making the wardrobe fun. I can do that. Down the line. When the child is more secure with the setup. When the child knows Mary better. I've done stuff like that plenty of times when child didn't want to go to dads.

But can anyone seriously say that the first time a child meets a parents new partner that it's ok for the child to see them in bed together and practically share a room? Has anyone ever actually done that?
I just cannot imagine myself dating someone for a while, introducing them to my daughter and then the same night having him sleep in the same room as me and her.

bumpintraining

ash23 wrote: »

I explained all this to her. At the end of the day the child lived in the house with me and him for 3 years. She has stayed there once a week for the last 18 months. She knows what the room is.

Little confused
Is the house your ex is presently living in, the home, you, your child and your ex lived in when you were together?
If so that makes the situation so much worse, what happened to your childs old room? Is that where his housemate is sleeping?

I don't think a walk in wardrobe is suitable for your child to be sleeping in and for what it's worth it appears your ex isn't giving any thought to your daughter and her need to feel wanted and belonged.

Remember it's better to have 1 good, solid consistent parent, than two (if 1 parent isn't acting in best interest of the child). pull the reigns on the daddy/ daughter relationship if you feel you need to, it may prove less damaging in the long run (my opinion only):P

eviltwin

OP I have never been in this situation before so I have no real advice to give but just wanted to say I think you're handling the situation really well given what demands Mary is putting on your ex. I'd have killed the pair of them long before now!

ash23

bumpintraining wrote: »

Little confused
Is the house your ex is presently living in, the home, you, your child and your ex lived in when you were together?
If so that makes the situation so much worse, what happened to your childs old room? Is that where his housemate is sleeping?

I don't think a walk in wardrobe is suitable for your child to be sleeping in and for what it's worth it appears your ex isn't giving any thought to your daughter and her need to feel wanted and belonged.

Remember it's better to have 1 good, solid consistent parent, than two (if 1 parent isn't acting in best interest of the child). pull the reigns on the daddy/ daughter relationship if you feel you need to, it may prove less damaging in the long run (my opinion only):P

It's a 3 bed house which we bought together a few years ago. When he broke up with me he made me leave as I couldn't afford the repayments alone but I could afford to rent a smaller place. He said if I stayed in the house he wouldn't contribute to the mortgage. If he was paying the larger amount he wanted the nicer house. So myself and the child moved out.
There is the master bedroom, the childs room and a spare room. The childs room is next to the spare room, the opposite side to the master bedroom.
He rented out the spare room so the childs room is still vacant. However due to the house mate who neither of us know, she cannot sleep in her own room and has for the last month been sleeping in her dads room in a single bed.

So yes, she is aware that the room was always the wardrobe.

LegacyUser

hi, i just read something there from you that said if you wer being selfish you wouldnt let your ex see the child again, people cant help who they fall in and out of love to im happy you are not that selfish like so many mothers out there but i do in my opinion think you are putting yourself first, you said your ex has been with mary at least 18 months and you prevented mary and your daughter being introduced for so long how do you think your ex and mary felt i know how that feels mary is only a woman like you or i you could easily become mary to someone else in a few years, if you had let mary meet your daughter to begin with she wouldnt be such a stranger right now, stopping mary from seeing your daughter wont accomplish anything only aggrevate things as you have found she is not going to start calling mary mam, i think you should try move on and make things easy for your daughter to see her dad,

ash23

babygaga wrote: »

hi, i just read something there from you that said if you wer being selfish you wouldnt let your ex see the child again, people cant help who they fall in and out of love to im happy you are not that selfish like so many mothers out there but i do in my opinion think you are putting yourself first,

You're entitled to your opinion but I totally disagree.

you said your ex has been with mary at least 18 months and you prevented mary and your daughter being introduced for so long how do you think your ex and mary felt

I prevented them meeting as my child was in counselling. suffering from low self esteem and insecurities about whether or not her father loved her. The counseller suggested ways and means as to how Mary should be introduced to the child. We also agreed access etc with ex. He ignored all these things and for my daughters sake I prohibited Mary becoming involved until he was willing to do it in a manner that was best for the child as agreed by a proffessional, not by me. As for how they felt, they didnt give a crap. Ex was supposed to have her every sunday. After one sunday he contacted me and told me he no longer wanted every sunday as it meant him not being able to accept social invitations. He offered every 2nd sunday and before that even happened he decided no sundays at all. And that is how it has been for 18 mnths by his choice. He has her on friday evening from 7pm to saturday morning at 8am. She sleeps from 9pm to 7am so it's hardly quality time. Shouldn't they be thinking of the child rather than themselves?

i know how that feels mary is only a woman like you or i you could easily become mary to someone else in a few years

I would never get involved with a man in a relationship. I would never put myself ahead of a small child. I would never stay with a man who put himself and me above an innocent child. I would never respect a man who had the option of seeing his child whenever he wanted and didn't take his ex up on it as much as was possible. I would never be Mary.

if you had let mary meet your daughter to begin with she wouldnt be such a stranger right now,

If my ex had paid attention to the counsellers and put the best interest of the child first then mary would have met the child a year ago.

stopping mary from seeing your daughter wont accomplish anything only aggrevate things as you have found she is not going to start calling mary mam, i think you should try move on and make things easy for your daughter to see her dad,

Where am I stopping Mary? My issue is with the sleeping arrangments. Have you read my posts? After I said I was unhappy with the sleeping arrangments I offered that he and mary could have the child on sundays for the day. No sleepovers. I added that if his flatmate wasn't around child could sleepover in her own room. If both mary and flatmate were there then sleepover wasn't possible but he could collect her on a sunday morning and have her for the day with mary. HE ignored my email.

Of course she's not going to call Mary mam. Where did I say I had any concerns about a woman she sees once a month replacing me? Myself and my daughter are very close. We have a wonderful relationship. I am a wonderful mother and I know my daughter adores me. I work full time and she is in creche and school more than she is with me during the week. She spends weekends with her grandparents occasionally. She sleeps over in friends houses. I'm not threathened by Mary. I can assure you of that.

As for making it easier for her to see her dad. You haven't a clue, I'm sorry but you don't. You are applying your own situation to mine when they are totally different.
I have actively tried to get my ex to see the child. I have always made it clear that he can have the child whenever he wants. I have agreed on both occasions when he asked to introduce Mary to my child. However I did ask that it be done a particular way, as in start slowly with a few hours at a time, talking to the child about it.
The first time he basically sent a text after insisting the child went to a family event, saying Mary was going to be there also after saying she wasn't. This was literally 2 days after I told him child was now in counselling as she was suffering from low self esteem and I asked him to bear with me for a while as I was trying to sort out the child emotional needs and get her to a better place before we introduced Mary (as was suggested by counseller that adding mary to the mix was a bad idea at the time for childs sake).
Second time is as above.

He left as he didn't want to be the "family" man. We were headed for marriage and more children. He decided that wasn't the life for him and has shown that I've had a lucky escape in the way he has behaved since, particularly with the child.

As for moving on, , thats laughable. I've made no reference to the rest of my life outside of this topic. You've no idea how I feel about my ex other than what I've said on here and it has all been in terms of the child.
I haven't slagged him or Mary off. I haven't expressed an interest in keeping him and Mary from the child etc. I assure you, the only concern I have in relation to him is the fact that he has the potential to undo all the hard work I have put in with my child in the last 18 months. I had nights of listening to her cry for hours for her daddy. I've had her pinching herself because she felt stupid fat and ugly. I've had her ask why daddy doesn't love her.

And I have worked my ass off to get her back to her usual sunny self while he has fought me every step of the way. When I asked for more routine he threathened to stop seeing her again. When I asked that the child could see us on speaking terms he threatened to stop seeing her. When I asked for a slow intro period for Mary, he landed me with ultimatums.

I am doing what is best for the child, not for myself. Don't you think that I, as a single parent would only love a saturday night and sunday off once a month? I could go out and not worry about sitters and stay in bed all day sunday. Heaven!
Don't you think I as a disgruntled ex would love nothing more than to tell him to shove it, cut him and his family off from the child for all eternity never to be seen again.

But I, as a mother, am not putting myself first. I am putting the child first in encouraging his relationship to her but not when it comes at a price to her well being and state of mind.

LegacyUser

Hi,

My partner has 4 year old twins. We are only together about 6 months and I met both of them over Christmas, however it was agreed by both of us that when they were around there would be no physical contact between us at all and if they were to stay the night I was staying on the couch. It's better for them as otherwise they could firstly become confused (why is daddy sharing a bed with someone that isn't mammy), secondly they could grow to resent me, and thirdly it also makes life easier for my bf and his ex wife.

Is there any chance that you could sit down with both your ex and his new partner and explain to both of them that it would be better for your daughter and therefore for them if the situation was "X" way until your daughter better understands the relationship and that once she is comfortable with things they can move on to sleeping in the same bed when she is around.

Maybe you have already tried this approach but if you include Mary it might make things easier and she may have a bit more of an influance on your ex than you do. You said they were in a LDR and only get to see at the weekend, well I'm also in an LDR except my bf lives in the US so we only get to see eachother every 3 months. His children are important to him, he is impotant to me therefore I will do whatever is necessary to make his kids comfortable around me.

I hope things sort themselves out for your daughters sake, she should be the most important person in all of this and if neither your ex or his parnter can't see this then maybe your daughter is better off without them in her life.

metrovelvet

If her esteem was that bad do you think she is ready for all this?

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

If her esteem was that bad do you think she is ready for all this?

For what? Meeting Mary?
I think if it's hadled well then she'll be fine with it. If it's handled badly it will cause a lot of problems.

Justasuggestion, thanks for your response and for sharing your point of view from the new partners perspective.
I don't think that me talking to them both is an option at the moment.
I think it needs to be left alone for now and if at some point in the future he requests more access and for Mary to be involved, I will request that she also be involved in the decisions and that a plan is made and adhered to by us all.

smelltheglove

Ash in my view making her involved is a good idea, if your daughter sees you accepting her she will surely follow. My husband has as much say in my daughters life as I do and her dad does, working together is the best approach.

Remember to make it all exciting, always think of the positives. Don't forget to help her pick out a few things for her new room too even if the wardrobe irritates you pretend it's the best thing!

You obviously care a lot for your daughter, she is very lucky and I'm sure you'll find the best way to deal with this amicably and soon.

NyquistFreak

ash23 wrote: »

Should also add, just so I amn't being misleading, that I met him when I was pregnant. We were friends first and got together just after she was born and lived together since she was a baby.
He wanted to be "daddy" and although the child knows she has a bio dad (not involved) he is daddy, his parents are granny and grandad etc. Impact of us splitting was the same to her as if he had been her bio dad.


So legally, family court etc isn't an option.

Ultimately I have the final say though I try not to be too blatant about it and have always encouraged his involvment for the childs sake.

I just didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't being upfront. This may change some posters POV so it's probably a necessary piece of info.

Hey Ash, I'm really sorry about your situation, and wish you all the best at resolving it.

I'm sorry for calling you on this, but from what I gather from reading your posts (and the potential for misinterpretation is massive in text from like) but your ex doesn't seem to be showing much interest in seeing the child? and he is not the legal/biological father? (sorry you didnt actually mention if he adopted her or not when you were together, which would totally blow this point out of the water...)

He's behaving in an uncompromising and inappropriate way (I totally see where you're coming from with the issue with the sleeping arrangements) and with all due respect he seems to be doing just about everything he can to put you off the idea of sending your daughter round at all, from what you've said, he seems to be seeing her more to keep her happy than himself...

But he's not actually the father, so has absolutely no responsibility to (or right) to see the child if you decide the situation is unsuitable for her. I know it must be breaking your heart to see your little girl sad and struggling to understand why her daddy left her, especially if she's aware the reason he left was because "he didn't want to be the family man" as you mentioned in another post, but if I were you, I would be starting to wonder if maybe it would be better for your daughter to grieve for the loss of her daddy and the family unit as she knew it now and move on, rather than keep putting her in that horrible, demeaning situation any more?

I could see why her self esteem suffered, and that man should be ashamed of himself for toying with the child's emotions like that, either he wants to see the child (and you'd imagine would be willing to make some compromises to make this happen), or he'd man up and tell you to your face that when he said he wanted out of the happy ready made family, he meant it and not to send your little girl over anymore...not keep stringing you both along like this. Either way, if family court can't help, Im not sure you can make this man continue his relationship with your child if he doesn't really want to, especially since the more you push the issue, the more the ex and Mary may resent you, the situation and ultimately the child?

I certainly wouldn't be comfortable sending my little girl round to her old family home to sleep in a closet while NotMammy slept in Mammy's bed and the Strange Man down the hallway meant she couldnt go hide in her room, it sounds like a nightmare to be honest. People have taken legal custody action over far less like. But you don't have to go down that road, if you decide to give an ultimatum, there's nothing he can do to fight you on stopping him from seeing her at all. Also ask yourself, given the situation as it stands and how uncompromising and how inconsiderate it is to your little girl, what happens if Mary becomes pregnant (accidents happen like, or in a few years down the line ex decides he's all grown up now and can "do the family man thing"), or if your ex decides to move away for whatever reason, will your daughter so much as get a look in? How does ex's parent's feel about the situation? Maybe have a chat with them and explain how you feel the situation is effecting the child, they may be able to talk some sense into him, or help explain to her how things have changed but that she's still loved?

You have explained to her I take it that your relationship with Dad is over, and who Mary is to him now? She also knows Dad's not really BioDad, so maybe best course of action is to explain to her that you're all "just friends" now (and truly I wouldn't have the first clue as to where to start or how to do that) and keep it to friendly visits every now and then where she can see you all being happy and civil, it might mean a few less visits but maybe the quality of the visits might improve, and help the relationship last a little bit longer in the long run? If he's this way with her now, less than two years after the breakup, I can't imagine that level of interest will be sustained indefinitely, it could get so much worse for her like if you keep treating this like a conventional family breakup, which its not as he's not the child's legal or biological father, and failing to see it for what it is yourself.

I'm so so sorry for this entire post, I know it won't go down well... I actually just want to give you both a huge hug like, and wish your little girl didn't have to learn so early in life that breakups suck and men can be ****heads when they want to be. I really really hope I'm wrong about your ex's attitude here, and that you can resolve the situation soon.
Take care.

smelltheglove

I missed the part where he isn't bio dad. Completely your call op then as to whether their relationship should continue! For others though, just because he isn't the bio dad makes him no less her dad if he has raised her. My husband has helped me raise my daughter since she was one and she loves him with all her heart so I can understand why op was maintaining the relationship.

Have you spoken to her counsellor as to see whether she thought she would be better off with or without her daddy in her life?

LegacyUser

hi ash im not trying to upset u or anything you seem a bit annoyed at my post im only posting because i had the experience of the other side and my bf being upset that i was feeling bad because his ex didnt want me around just because i was his new girlfriend, but probably contradicting myself here like but reading over your last reply ur ex doesnt seem to care about your little one at all if hes trying to see her less and less he should be wanting to see as much of her as he can,he seems very selfish like its a chore to see her and taking her is to keep up appearances,you prob are lucky you got out before you did get married n had more babies, if i was you i would probably go with the ultimatum idea

ash23

Thanks for the replies guys.
I do think he loves the child, however I also think he is just inherently selfish and just cannot put someone else ahead of himself. I would include Mary in that statement. He is one of those people that when he wants you, you are the most important person in the world and he'd walk over hot coals. When he doesn't, by God, watch out

The child falls somewhere in the middle of this. There's very little gain for him in seeing her. It takes away from his current obsession which is Mary therefore he begrudges any real time with her but at the same time he does seem to care for her, though more as an uncle than as a father.

The child doesn't care about biology though. And I agonised over whether to continue their relationship or not for a long time. I have my reasons, main one being the child loves him.

However I have learned to just let things go. He is in shut down mode and probably won't speak to me for a few months. At this stage I am exhausted by the whole thing and sick of trying to reason with someone unreasonable and sick of trying to get him to put the child first. I keep hoping for the best from him but it's futile. Like pissing into the wind

I can only be the best parent I can be and relegate him to the "uncle" role he deserves.
We're back to the one night a week now anyway. I'm sure the topic will arise again. In a week or a month or a year. I have my suspicions that it may have been Mary who was behind the whole push to meet the child anyway.

Dublin141

He sounds so selfish to me, it's unbelievable.

I think you're handling it very well, Ash, you're putting your daughter first and you aren't being unreasonable. I know what I would have said to the wardrobe thing! :mad: Obviously you've had to deal with Mary's insecurities in the beginning too which probably hasn't helped communication but maybe if Mary is more involved then your ex might be more reasonable. In saying that, she might think the wardrobe idea is a good one and be no help.

Just take things slow and keep an eye on your little one. He's obviously not thinking about her best interests but as long as you are, you'll work things out. You've more than enough love for her, I'm sure you'll handle it when your daughter has low moments.

MissHoneyBun

Sorry to jump in like this but why is this ex guy incurring so much wrath? In fairness the guy sounds a hell of a lot more involved than the kids biological dad -where the hell is he and why are you not more concerned about your child's real father shunning his responsibilities as opposed to some guy who actually has no obligation to you or your child at all?

ash23

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Sorry to jump in like this but why is this ex guy incurring so much wrath? In fairness the guy sounds a hell of a lot more involved than the kids biological dad -where the hell is he and why are you not more concerned about your child's real father shunning his responsibilities as opposed to some guy who actually has no obligation to you or your child at all?

He is more involved than her biological father. But then her biological father disappeared when I told him I was pregnant. Haven't seen or heard from him since.
Long story but not really relevant to this thread anyway.

If you know where he is, let me know. Believe me, I'd love to find the guy. I've tried but if someone doesn't want to be found, there's sfa that can be done about it.

And the ex has more potential to do damage to the child seeing as he actually is involved. Just because my best friends child isn't my biological child doesn't mean I can treat her badly.

MissHoneyBun

ash23 wrote: »

her biological father disappeared when I told him I was pregnant. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

I'm sorry Ash but I don't get why Actual Dad gets away scot free while Voluntary Dad gets crucified. If someone disappears, there is actually plenty you can do about it. To be honest, I think your time would be better spent chasing up someone who is legally obliged to support you and your daughter rather than devoting a thread to a guy who realistically owes you nothing.

And personally, I wouldn't have my child staying with someone who I had to coerce into seeing her.

ash23

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I'm sorry Ash but I don't get why Actual Dad gets away scot free while Voluntary Dad gets crucified. If someone disappears, there is actually plenty you can do about it. To be honest, I think your time would be better spent chasing up someone who is legally obliged to support you and your daughter rather than devoting a thread to a guy who realistically owes you nothing.

And personally, I wouldn't have my child staying with someone who I had to coerce into seeing her.

Voluntary dad as you call him, has raised child from an infant. He's hardly getting crucified by asking him to be more considerate of an innocent childs feelings? He doesn't contribute financially, I expect nothing from him and have given him a "get out" clause a few times which he declined.

If you know where to get someones details from a work/college record which is private and over 7 years old then get back to me. I'll happily follow it up.
Have you ever actually tracked someone down?
I'm not coercing her dad into seeing her. He wanted to see more of her but on his terms which I didn't agree with.
Simple as.

Yes, he has let her down in the past, he has cut back on his access but again all this was not because he didn't want to see the child. Moreso that I wouldn't let him have a free for all access.

What HE wanted was to call me of an evening and take the child an hour or two later. He'd probably have her loads of evenings if I'd allowed that. I insisted on routine and structure which doesn't tie in with his free spirit attitude to things. Therefore he sees her once a week.

metrovelvet

I don't know. That's alot of chefs in the kitchen. And chefs who have no rights or obligations. Ash, I tend to agree with nyquistfreak though I can see what you are trying to do for your daughter. Even if your ex had married you and by doing so became a stepfather, he would not have any obligations. But he has to be in or he is out. And I do think if he does have a child with this woman your daughter will be sqeezed out. And then how are you going to explain the new sibling is not really a sibling. I think it was a mistake to call him daddy in the first place. If it were my child, I would see the writing on the wall and prepare for disengagement.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

I don't know. That's alot of chefs in the kitchen. And chefs who have no rights or obligations. Ash, I tend to agree with nyquistfreak though I can see what you are trying to do for your daughter. Even if your ex had married you and by doing so became a stepfather, he would not have any obligations. But he has to be in or he is out. And I do think if he does have a child with this woman your daughter will be sqeezed out. And then how are you going to explain the new sibling is not really a sibling. I think it was a mistake to call him daddy in the first place. If it were my child, I would see the writing on the wall and prepare for disengagement.

Hindsight is 20/20. I was 20 years of age with a baby and a guy who loved me and wanted to play daddy. Not the best of combinations but it happened and the clock can't be turned back.
It's easy to say prepare for disengagement or cut him off but you don't see her face when daddy arrives to pick her up.
I am doing what I feel is right and that decision was made 18 months ago. I'm not going to change it now.

maryjane007

im sorry hun but it really sounds to me like your being way too harsh on this guy, you want him to be as responsible for the child as if he were the childs real father yet your getting to make all the rules.

yes your child comes first over everybody but fair play to him and his girlfriend for spending their limited free time together willing to spend time with a child ,who they dont actually have to, and then to have them both jump through hoops to get to do it doesnt seem right to me. im not saying you should bend over backwards to suit them but you dont seem to be giving any at all it seems its your way or the highway. all this messing around must be affecting the child more than if the guy were to take her out for an unplanned hour or so now and again.

Victor

Wardrobe: is the window a suitable fire escape (I think minimum 450x 1350mm)? If there is a fire, firemen don't really go looking in the wardrobe for people.

It would cost a few hundred euros, but could the master bedroom be connected to the child's bedroom with an interconnecting door. That way, the hall door to the child's room could be locked and the interconnecting door closed.

ash23 wrote: »

Of course she's not going to call Mary mam. Where did I say I had any concerns about a woman she sees once a month replacing me? Myself and my daughter are very close. We have a wonderful relationship. I am a wonderful mother and I know my daughter adores me. I work full time and she is in creche and school more than she is with me during the week. She spends weekends with her grandparents occasionally. She sleeps over in friends houses. I'm not threathened by Mary. I can assure you of that.

Does the child get to meet both sets of grandparents? Might it be possible to gradually introduce the child and Mary, other than at home?

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

Hindsight is 20/20. I was 20 years of age with a baby and a guy who loved me and wanted to play daddy. Not the best of combinations but it happened and the clock can't be turned back.
It's easy to say prepare for disengagement or cut him off but you don't see her face when daddy arrives to pick her up.
I am doing what I feel is right and that decision was made 18 months ago. I'm not going to change it now.

You're right, I dont see her face when he shows up. Id just be concerned that the more time she invests in him the greater the heartbreak will be up the road. And as for decisions all ready made, some choices can be undone. I dont think she should be in the closet, thats for sure. But I dont know about the conditions your placing. For example, uncles aunts and grandparents dont have to provide structure. Yes , a mother and father are different, but he has decided in his head he's not her daddy anymore, but that he does have some kind if moral obligation to her. I would be concerned this will change up the road especially if he moves or has his own family.