So upset for little one but am I over reacting

ash23

maryjane007 wrote: »

im sorry hun but it really sounds to me like your being way too harsh on this guy, you want him to be as responsible for the child as if he were the childs real father yet your getting to make all the rules.

yes your child comes first over everybody but fair play to him and his girlfriend for spending their limited free time together willing to spend time with a child ,who they dont actually have to, and then to have them both jump through hoops to get to do it doesnt seem right to me. im not saying you should bend over backwards to suit them but you dont seem to be giving any at all it seems its your way or the highway. all this messing around must be affecting the child more than if the guy were to take her out for an unplanned hour or so now and again.

I dont ask him to take financial responsibility. I don't ask him to attend school events, parent teacher meetings etc. I invite him to everything but I ask him to do nothing.
Again, and I am repeating myself here, all I have asked him to ever do was to follow the professional advice I was given about how best to handle the child in terms of access. Do you suggest I go against professional advice? This isn't about unplanned hours. This is about him wanting his own way at the childs expense. As I have said numerous times I have given a number of different options to him about how he can have more access, introduce Mary and the child isn't put in a wardrobe. Hardly making him jump through hoops? I also think that out of 2 days off per week, him spending one day a month with the child he raised as his own for 6 years from a baby, is too much.
Would it be acceptable if I adopted a child at birth and walked away from it aged 6 and saw it once a month? Would I be a great person still?

You are right, the child comes first over everybody, however he doesn't believe that. What he wants comes first. Always. And as I said already he isn't getting exactly what he wants so he has refused to speak to me since I said no. No compromise, no discussion, no concern for the child being upset over being promised weekend with dad and having it revoked......nothing. Just "f*ck it, I was naive to think you'd be reasonable about this". All because I don't want my daughter in a wardrobe or sleeping in the same room as a partner she has just met.
I've offered him days without sleepovers, sleepovers once the housemate isn't there and she can stay in her own room etc and he's ignred it all.

If it was about him wanting to spend more time with the child and introduce Mary then why isn't he taking up the all day Sunday option?

victor wrote:

Does the child get to meet both sets of grandparents? Might it be possible to gradually introduce the child and Mary, other than at home?

Child spends a lot of time in his mothers. I get on very well with his mother (who has also tried to talk to him about this but was told it wasn't up for discussion).
His mother lives in the same city as Mary so this would be possible however involves an hours drive each way so not much point putting his mother to that hassle when he can have her on sundays in hs own house.
His mum only has one spare room anyway so if him and Mary were staying in her house with the child the same issue arises.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

You're right, I dont see her face when he shows up. Id just be concerned that the more time she invests in him the greater the heartbreak will be up the road. And as for decisions all ready made, some choices can be undone. I dont think she should be in the closet, thats for sure. But I dont know about the conditions your placing. For example, uncles aunts and grandparents dont have to provide structure. Yes , a mother and father are different, but he has decided in his head he's not her daddy anymore, but that he does have some kind if moral obligation to her. I would be concerned this will change up the road especially if he moves or has his own family.

I've had this discussion on here before though. Long and short is I believe that child will resent me if I prevent her seeing him.
I figure I have two choices. Put a stop to it now. He will be angry. Child will be devestated and 10 years down the road she might meet him again and he will say he wanted to see her but I stopped him. Then he becomes Mr Wonderful and I am the bad guy in her eyes. She has been let down by me.

Choice two, carry on as is, and if it fixxles out then it fizzles out. I figure if he ever does have more kids it will be much furthur down the road. My child is 7. He is 27, Mary is 21. So Im hoping child will be a teen before they decide to have kids (he is also adamant that he doesn't want kids). So he fecks off, it fizzles out, child is devestated that she was let down by him.

Either way the child gets hurt. But I figure it's better she gets let down by him than by me. I'm her mum, I'm her protecter, her custodial parent. She lives with me etc. If I let her down it's worse.

As for providing structure, again I can only go on what I have been advised. And it works. She was a mess when he was taking her here and there. Poor kid never knew if she was coming or going. And this was a year after the split so it's nothing to do with timing.
Within a couple of months of starting the regular routine, the child was happier. A few months on and she's back to normal.
However as soon as I told her she wasn't going with dad for the weekend she began asking was she annoying because she asks too many questions, she talks too much etc.
Her self esteem was shattered and is being rebuilt but it's still shaky. She thrives on routine. She always has. It's her personality. She doesn't like changes or surprises. She likes to know things in advance. Not every child is like that but she is and the counseller recommended that we stick to a routine. As was put to me, how would i feel if I was getting in after a long day at work to be told I could only go home for an hour and then had to go and stay in a friends house. And this was happening on a regular basis?
As opposed to knowing that I was going to said friends on friday night.

maryjane007

ash23 wrote: »

If it was about him wanting to spend more time with the child and introduce Mary then why isn't he taking up the all day Sunday option?

QUOTE]


well to be honest from your posts at the start of the thread it doesnt sound like he wants to see her at all, as another poster has already said, its just your constantly saying that he really does, but it seems that his priority is his relationship with mary, not with the child. which he is entitled to do.

i know where your coming from because my eldest is not biologicaly my partners but is in every other way his family is her family. but realisticly if he were to walk away tomorrow and move on with his life as your ex has done you kind of have to accept whatever scraps of atention he chooses to give your child for the rest of her life and put up with all the hassle thats going to go with that or just help your child move on with her life, i mean he is not going to miraculously change overnight his attitude is only going to get worse as the time goes on and his life changes. you cant lay down rules for when and where he has your child, you have no right to make demands on his time anymore. i can imagine how much it breaks your heart to see your child hurt
but these are the facts.


also if your child in a few years if your child doesnt want to see him any more would you force her?

ash23

maryjane007 wrote: »

well to be honest from your posts at the start of the thread it doesnt sound like he wants to see her at all, as another poster has already said, its just your constantly saying that he really does, but it seems that his priority is his relationship with mary, not with the child. which he is entitled to do.

I can only go on what he tells me and he maintains he wants to continue seeing her and being a part of her life. However, you are correct. His priority is himself and Mary. And you are quite correct that he is entitled to do this. It's morally a grey area imo, but it's his right.

i know where your coming from because my eldest is not biologicaly my partners but is in every other way his family is her family. but realisticly if he were to walk away tomorrow and move on with his life as your ex has done you kind of have to accept whatever scraps of atention he chooses to give your child for the rest of her life and put up with all the hassle thats going to go with that or just help your child move on with her life, i mean he is not going to miraculously change overnight his attitude is only going to get worse as the time goes on and his life changes. you cant lay down rules for when and where he has your child, you have no right to make demands on his time anymore. i can imagine how much it breaks your heart to see your child hurt
but these are the facts.

What I'm trying to do is t facilitate their relationship as much as possible while trying to ensure the damage he unwittingly does is minimised.

also if your child in a few years if your child doesnt want to see him any more would you force her?

No, but I would encourage her to go and visit him on occasion, much as I'd encourage her to visit granny and grandad and crazy aunt Jane. I'd try and instill in her the importance of family. But I'm guessing that as a teenager she'd prefer to hang out with her boyfriend or mates and might need persuading for a while.

MissHoneyBun

maryjane007 wrote: »

im sorry hun but it really sounds to me like your being way too harsh on this guy, you want him to be as responsible for the child as if he were the childs real father yet your getting to make all the rules.

yes your child comes first over everybody but fair play to him and his girlfriend for spending their limited free time together willing to spend time with a child ,who they dont actually have to, and then to have them both jump through hoops to get to do it doesnt seem right to me. im not saying you should bend over backwards to suit them but you dont seem to be giving any at all it seems its your way or the highway. all this messing around must be affecting the child more than if the guy were to take her out for an unplanned hour or so now and again.

Totally agree with this.

I don't like saying this OP, but it sounds as though you are creating a great deal of drama where there doesn't need to be. Forget rules and regulations and let the guy see the child casually as a favourite uncle and leave it at that. It sounds as though that's the role he is volunteering to play and you have to accept that. I would also suggest gradually weaning away from any 'daddy' business. It's messy and not in anyone's best interests.

You must appreciate that not many men would choose to stay in touch with an ex's child, never mind continue to fulfill a father's role and certainly not at the expense of his relationship with his partner, which is what you seem to expect.

It also seems like you are quite steadfast with your opinions about this and reluctant to allow all the advice you've received here to actually penetrate so all I can say is good luck to you all. It doesn't need to be this messy.

Tawny

ash23 wrote: »

Ok, so here it is.....

His solution is to put her in the cleared out walk in wardrobe. It has a window and a small radiator. No curtains or anything. It measures 1.9m x 1.8m. It was the family home so the child knows it was a wardrobe. He said he might get curtains in the summer.

I told him child was not being relegated to a wardrobe, even a big one....

Read the whole thread, but just reread the first and found it interesting.

The room is actually reasonbly big enough for a bed going by your measurements. Why not suggest a cabin bed or suchlike that could have storage underneath, and definitely curtains. Make it into her own special room where she can be close to Daddy?

I think you could spin a story about the 'ajoining' bedroom that would make your daughter comfortable staying there. Tell her it used to be a wardrobe, but daddy wants to keep you really close and safe and thats why it is special etc. etc.

The issue more than the new girlfriend will be in the room. It is not unreasonable to suggest this is unappropriate, and I think it is fine for you to have a problem with her in the bed with Daddy. Until he respects your opinion that this isnt right for your daughter at this point in time, then stayovers are not an option.

ash23

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

I don't like saying this OP, but it sounds as though you are creating a great deal of drama where there doesn't need to be. Forget rules and regulations and let the guy see the child casually as a favourite uncle and leave it at that. It sounds as though that's the role he is volunteering to play and you have to accept that. I would also suggest gradually weaning away from any 'daddy' business. It's messy and not in anyone's best interests.

I'm creating drama? I have been perfectly happy with the arrangments that have been in place for the last year. I haven't sought to change them. HE has. HE asked for weekends, HE asked to bring Mary into it and get her involved. As for forgetting rules and regulations, are you actually suggesting I go against professional advice and risk damaging my child emotionally by allowing him to flit in and out of her life?

You must appreciate that not many men would choose to stay in touch with an ex's child, never mind continue to fulfill a father's role and certainly not at the expense of his relationship with his partner, which is what you seem to expect.

Where are you getting this from? I'm not asking him to take her more. HE wants to. And how is at the expense of his relationship worse than at the expense of the child? How bad would a relationship be compromised by saying to your girlfriend "the child is staying over one night a month so would you mind staying in the spare room that night until she knows you a bit better?"
He isn't fulfilling a fathers role at all.

It also seems like you are quite steadfast with your opinions about this and reluctant to allow all the advice you've received here to actually penetrate so all I can say is good luck to you all. It doesn't need to be this messy.

You're right, it doesn't need to be this messy. I can just go back to the way things were before he brought this up.
Which advice? It has been many and varied. Or is it only because I don't agree with your point of view that I am perceived to be reluctant.

PS the only thing I wanted to know about on this thread was whether or not other parents felt I was being unreasonable by refusing to allow my child to be moved into a walk in wardrobe or to see her dad sharing a bed with a stranger.

I wasn't looking for opinions on whether I should allow my child to keep seeing him at all, whether I am wrong to encourage their relationship, whether she should call him dad, whether I should ignore the professional advice I paid hundreds of euro for etc.

If you aren't a qualified professional who deals with children and their issues then I seriously think that telling me that I should go against the advice I recieved is a bad idea. Especially when said advice worked for my daughter and has resulted in her being much happier in herself.

LittleBook

ash23 wrote: »

I've had this discussion on here before though. Long and short is I believe that child will resent me if I prevent her seeing him.
I figure I have two choices. Put a stop to it now. He will be angry. Child will be devestated and 10 years down the road she might meet him again and he will say he wanted to see her but I stopped him. Then he becomes Mr Wonderful and I am the bad guy in her eyes. She has been let down by me.

Choice two, carry on as is, and if it fixxles out then it fizzles out. I figure if he ever does have more kids it will be much furthur down the road. My child is 7. He is 27, Mary is 21. So Im hoping child will be a teen before they decide to have kids (he is also adamant that he doesn't want kids). So he fecks off, it fizzles out, child is devestated that she was let down by him.

Either way the child gets hurt. But I figure it's better she gets let down by him than by me. I'm her mum, I'm her protecter, her custodial parent. She lives with me etc. If I let her down it's worse.

First of all I just want to assure you that I am COMPLETELY familiar with the feelings you've expressed in this quote Ash. The things that parents put themselves through "for the sake of the child" can be terrible for ALL concerned.

But I have to say that from what I've read about your situation, as "her mum, her protector" I think you need to bite the bullet and take the risk of being viewed as the bad guy.

This situation sounds very detrimental for both you and your daughter and it could be time to just call a halt to it. Sure, he'll make sure everyone knows you decided this but he'll never paint you in a good light anyway.

As for your daughter, you just have to trust that, in the future, she will see that everything you have done is to protect her and keep her from harm. You can choose how you present this situation to her and make sure she understands what's happening, without going into too much detail or bad-mouthing your ex.

If you're confident you're doing the right thing and take control of the situation again, your daughter will pick up on this and, I believe, will feel more stable than she could possibly be at the moment.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and I would never recommend cutting contact lightly.

ash23

I don't need to cut contact.
We have been working quite well with the arrangment that has been in place for the past year.
It's suited me, it suited him and the child was happy enough with it although did ask on occasion to see dad more.

He looked to change it but not at his expense which would be nothing new really :rolleyes:
I've refused unless he can come up with a better alternative to what he was offering. He can't/isn't willing to so things will carry on as they have for over a year.

So long as the arrangments remain the same or he is willing to compromise when looking to change them, then there isn't a problem.

I couldn't pull the plug on their relationship and feel good about it. I just couldn't do that.

metrovelvet

Unfortunately many don't realise that children come with sacrifice. For now it seems like he's trying to please everyone, which cant be done with so many chefs in the kitchen. For what its worrh my son and I lived without curtains for several montgs because I could not get the rails up myself. It was not the end of the world. I do thinkit would be a bit weird for your daughter to see Mary sleep in the place her mommy occupied for so many years but yet you cant tell him how to run his house. Maybe for now, keep things as they are andtake a step back. Let time do its own mending and see what happens. I dont know what the vibe is when you speak with him, but try to be as soft as you can. I also dont think you should work too hard at facilitating this. To facilitate is to lead and you cant do that when others refuse to take your hand.

Hrududu

Him wanting to change things seems to be at the root of this. You have to accept that people change and situations change. You keep saying that he wants everything to suit him. But you don't seem to be willing to budge either.

From reading about his actions it seems like he really doesn't seem interested in keeping contact. Unless he has a change of heart then at some point contact will drop. And to be honest it kind of comes across that you realise this too and want it to be him thats the bad guy not you. By keeping your daughter in this situation you are forcing him to be the one to say enough is enough. But is that really in the best interest of your child?

username123

metrovelvet wrote: »

I also dont think you should work too hard at facilitating this. To facilitate is to lead and you cant do that when others refuse to take your hand.

I agree with this, and I would add that this situation has partially come about because your daughter was told before arrangements were finalised that she would be spending more time with Daddy. Ground rules need to be set here with regards to communication with your daughter. Neither of you should be making promises to her about something that will happen with regards to daddy visits until the two of you have hammered it out and agreed it. This would prevent the childs expections being raised and then dashed.

Ultimately I think that unless your ex can show some maturity and start communicating with you regarding access on a civil level (this business of shutting down is just destructive and childish) that you should definitely consider gently easing back on the access and relegating him back to nice uncle she sees now and again rather than father figure - because lets face it, he is not taking the responsibilities of father figure seriously enough - and an absent parent is healthier than a bad parent who lets the child down.

Re the childs biological father, I believe that people can disappear but I would encourage you to exhaust all avenues of search to get him to face up to his financial responsibilities. You presumably know or knew his family/friends or hang outs, these could be a starting point in looking for him, he may well have stopped 'hiding' now that time has passed and you havent showed up looking for him. Social networking sites, old haunts, old workplace mates, old friends, family etc....all of these areas are worth investigating.

Back to the original problem - try not to get involved on an emotional level. Try to bring all communication about your daughter down to a business like exchange:
Can she stay in the wardrobe?
No, Im afraid that that is not acceptable to me, i dont think it would be good for her. Im happy to discuss alternatives.

Or
I want to spend more time with the child.
Ok - but we need to hammer out arrangements before saying anything to her as it upsets her if things dont work out after she has been told something.

Try to keep the conversations as clinical as that. I know its awful hard but sometimes detaching emotionally from these things is the only way to resolve them without a wrecked head.

Mr. Presentable

di11on wrote: »

My opinion, for what it's worth.

This guy fathered a daughter and he owes her. He's turned her life upside down by walking out on her. That's what he's done. He's left both mother and daughter, no two ways about it.

So, child feels abandoned by father. Reasonable reaction. She has.

He's got to cop on. His little girl deserves more than the wardrobe.

I feel so sad for her. OP. I hope he can see the responsbility he has and takes it seriously.

You need to read the thread. This man is not the child's father.

I don't know why he wants to see the child, OP, do you?

As he is not the father he has no rights to see the child, so why are you letting him? And in letting him have her over why do you feel the need to arrange his life during this time? If he is good for her to be around his living arrangements should be no concern of yours, but if you don't like his living arrangements then don't send the child over. To be clear, either be happy to send her over, or keep her at home.

I don't see how it's worth his while having her over at bedtime until breakfast anyway. He'd get more time with her on a saturday afternoon.

Lastly, stop calling a room with a window and radiator a "wardrobe". It may be a dressing room, but for sure I have never seen a wardrobe thus fitted out, and you calling it one, among your comments on his new partner, smacks of begrudgery to be honest. I am sure all your intentions are good and correct, but try to see what you do and say from his point of view.

Dotsie~tmp

The wierd thing about this thread is why this guy still wants anything to do with you. Its not his kid but you want him to play daddy. Even when he does seem interested you contrive rules he must play by that interfere with his new relationship and then moan when he gets browned off. Any duty he had was conditional on a relationship with you and thats gone.

Next time you pick one make it stick. Make it the type of person who will stick. Or you will put her through this again.

ash23

nipplenuts wrote: »

You need to read the thread. This man is not the child's father.

I don't know why he wants to see the child, OP, do you?

No I don't, though I'd imagine him living with her every day from the time she was a few months old until she was nearly 6 may have had something to do with it. Being her father for all intents and purposes etc.
If I were told I couldn't see her I'd be upset. I'd still want to see her. She's a nice kid.

As he is not the father he has no rights to see the child, so why are you letting him?

Because she wants to see him Haven't I asnwered these questions over and over? Haven't I given my reasons for facilitating the relationship?

And in letting him have her over why do you feel the need to arrange his life during this time?

Again, this has been answered. Me wanting something for my daughter which is in her best interests is hardly arranging his life.

If he is good for her to be around his living arrangements should be no concern of yours, but if you don't like his living arrangements then don't send the child over. To be clear, either be happy to send her over, or keep her at home.

Okaaaay, so you're an all or nothing person? You don't think that I can be happy with him seeing her but not happy about certain aspects of it. Fair enough. But herein lies the problem. He wants to see her. She wants to see him. But someone has to be the one to put the childs needs and emotions first as he isn't up to scratch on that one. He loves her, he is just a bit clueless at times. Maybe not intentionally but clueless nonetheless.

I don't see how it's worth his while having her over at bedtime until breakfast anyway. He'd get more time with her on a saturday afternoon.

I agree but this is when he wants to see her. It is when suits him.

Lastly, stop calling a room with a window and radiator a "wardrobe". It may be a dressing room, but for sure I have never seen a wardrobe thus fitted out, and you calling it one, among your comments on his new partner, smacks of begrudgery to be honest. I am sure all your intentions are good and correct, but try to see what you do and say from his point of view.

The only view I am concerned about is my daughters. I care not about his point of view. She knows this room as a wardrobe. It's what it has always been. The only view I am concerned with is hers. As for never seeing a wardrobe kitted out like that, well I've never seen a bedroom that barely fits a single bed where there are rails on the walls and a stranger asleep with my dad in the next room :rolleyes:

Dotsie~tmp wrote:

The wierd thing about this thread is why this guy still wants anything to do with you. Its not his kid but you want him to play daddy

Sigh, again HE WANTS TO "PLAY" DADDY. I've stated it time and again. This request for more time with her was HIS request. Nothing to do with me. Not my idea, not initiated by me, not asked for by me. Nothing to do with me. I was quite happy with the situation that was in place, one which suited everyone. I'm not forcing him to see the child, I'm not requesting he sees the child. I'm not asking for access or maintenance or anything other than if he does want to see the child then he has to respect what I ask as her mother. I would expect the same of anyone who looks after her.

Even when he does seem interested you contrive rules he must play by that interfere with his new relationship and then moan when he gets browned off. Any duty he had was conditional on a relationship with you and thats gone.

Rules that were recommended by a psychologist for gods sake. Just because some people hold no store by the fact that a person raised a child from an infant and that the child loves him like a father, I do realise the impact the breakdown of our relationship had on her. Much the same as if we had been both her biological parents.
Again, I am aware that he has no duty to the child. But if he wants to see her then he has to respect my concerns for the child. Much as my sisters and family and friends do. And I can only go on the advice I have been given by the trained professionals I have seen who have met and evaluated my daughter.

Next time you pick one make it stick. Make it the type of person who will stick. Or you will put her through this again.

Nice, really nice. If you can lend me that crystal ball of yours I'd appreciate it. Because other than him being a decent guy at the time, us being together for 6 years, buying a house, planning a wedding and more kids and being mad about each other, I just don't see what else I can do before I "make it stick".

Should I wait 10 years before making it official instead? :rolleyes:

Dotsie~tmp

ash23 wrote: »

Nice, really nice. If you can lend me that crystal ball of yours I'd appreciate it. Because other than him being a decent guy at the time, us being together for 6 years, buying a house, planning a wedding and more kids and being mad about each other, I just don't see what else I can do before I "make it stick".

Should I wait 10 years before making it official instead? :rolleyes:

So what happens after the next relationship or two? Tac on two more pseudo daddys? I didn't mean to sound cruel but this has no logical good ending. Say the next man you take up with asks who this guy is and you say its her non-bio father. Is he meant to take up the role knowing there is already one gone AWOL, one whos isnt really (with no legal rights btw) and now hes in the saddle? No man is his right mind would get involved in such a situation and its to your disadvantage. Cut him loose and move onward and upward.

ash23

Dotsie~tmp wrote: »

So what happens after the next relationship or two? Tac on two more pseudo daddys? I didn't mean to sound cruel but this has no logical good ending. Say the next man you take up with asks who this guy is and you say its her non-bio father. Is he meant to take up the role knowing there is already one gone AWOL, one whos isnt really (with no legal rights btw) and now hes in the saddle? No man is his right mind would get involved in such a situation and its to your disadvantage. Cut him loose and move onward and upward.

That is cruel and unnecessary. I have already said in previous posts that I see now it was a mistake to let her begin calling him dad. Fact was we went 4 years calling him "John" before the child herself began calling him dad. I always made it known to the child that he isn't her biological father and explained at great lengths about her real dad/

I've been single for 18 months and funnily enough, no guy has ever taken issue with the fact that her "step father" still sees her.
I'm not cutting him loose so I can get with some bloke who has an issue with who is involved in my daughters life! What about my exs family who adore my daughter, have great time for her and see her very regularly? Should I cut them off aswell so I can keep my options open?


As for the "tac on more pseudodaddies" statement, i've been single and dating for over 18 months and my daughter has not known any of it. She's never heard me talk of a man.
Also, she is older now and will remember a time when a new partner wasn't around. She also has friends now with separated parents who have boyfriends and girlfriends. She understands better now.

Nevyn

ash23 I for one thing you are trying to do you best for your child. The 3 of you were a family for 6 years and he was her parent. She developed a relationship with him and bonds of emotional attachment due to trust and caring.

Just because a person is not a blood relative there are other bonds of caring which make people family.

I believe the more people who love and care about a child that they have in their life the better and it seems you are trying to do right by her and her emotional stability and self esteem and have professional help for you both in doing that.

It must be hard for you to put your own feelings aside and try work towards what is best for her and you do seem to be doing that. Is there anyway you can get a referral from the person handling your daughters case to get someone neutral to asses if the conditions he is proposing are suitable for over night visitations?

ash23

Thaedydal wrote: »

ash23 I for one thing you are trying to do you best for your child. The 3 of you were a family for 6 years and he was her parent. She developed a relationship with him and bonds of emotional attachment due to trust and caring.

Just because a person is not a blood relative there are other bonds of caring which make people family.

I believe the more people who love and care about a child that they have in their life the better and it seems you are trying to do right by her and her emotional stability and self esteem and have professional help for you both in doing that.

It must be hard for you to put your own feelings aside and try work towards what is best for her and you do seem to be doing that. Is there anyway you can get a referral from the person handling your daughters case to get someone neutral to asses if the conditions he is proposing are suitable for over night visitations?

Thanks, that pretty much sums up how I feel about the whole thing. I was beginning to think this was going around in circles

My daughter hasn't been to counselling since March 09. She went for a bit and also to Rainbows and once myself and ex thrashed out the routine for her she was fine within a month or so.
I had to stop it as I just couldn't afford it anymore.
Honestly, I don't think getting a referral would make a difference unless it is in agreement with ex. He still hasnt spoken to myself or the child about it and he has had her two nights since he "shut down" on the topic.
It isn't going to happen if the assessment doesn't go in his favour and I don't feel like wasting 50-60 quid for something pointless. To be honest, I think at this point, even if I did say ok to the sharing a room thing, he still would refuse out of stubborness. He's great to deal with like that :rolleyes:

Raiser

Dotsie~tmp wrote: »

So what happens after the next relationship or two? Tac on two more pseudo daddys? I didn't mean to sound cruel but this has no logical good ending. Say the next man you take up with asks who this guy is and you say its her non-bio father. Is he meant to take up the role knowing there is already one gone AWOL, one whos isnt really (with no legal rights btw) and now hes in the saddle? No man is his right mind would get involved in such a situation and its to your disadvantage. Cut him loose and move onward and upward.

Please remember that you are commenting on real Peoples personal lives and feelings here for fcuks sake - This isn't a TV Soap and I don't think the OP has any position to defend to anyone casually stopping in here for a nosy look over a cup of tea and a nice bun.....

OP best of luck with everything I think its clear that you only have your Daughters happiness and well-being in mind.

P.S. As a Man with a 4 year old Daughter I don't think its unreasonable that you're concerned re. this half-arsed Wardrobe setup; The last night I slept in a room without Curtains I woke at five and didn't sleep again - and he "might put in Curtains" at some stage?

Surely he could have taken her to B&Q and spent €30 on a few Girly things, inc. curtains...... Seems like you're trying to raise him to be a well-balanced Adult here too