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Biological Mother witholding info on Biological Father

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  • 10-01-2010 9:53pm
    #1
    justagirl
    Registered Users Posts: 565 ✭✭✭


    I was adopted luckily for me by two super parents, I had a really great upbringing.

    I found and made contact with my birth mother through the agency that adopted me (about 15 years ago now). I have asked her many, many, many times who my birth father was, each time she says she wishes to make contact with him first before she tells me who he is. She previously advised me that he was aware of me, visited me in hospital once. This has been going on for many years now. I have shared some of my life with her. I feel really very annoyed that she will not tell me. The last time I asked her she said she was going to ask a priest to help her and would let me know. My patience ran out and I sent her a message and asked her if she was ever going to tell me who he was ... no reply, yet she still maintains contact as if I've forgotten about it.

    I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and think that if I meet up with her again and ask her and she gives me the same old story about her contacting him first that I'll just walk away.

    I have done everything by the book up to now and have only ever gone through the 'proper' channels when I looked for her so she has no reason to think that will act any other way if she gave me information about my biological father.

    What would you guys do? Thanks for reply.


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    #2
    7croghan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭7croghan


    Hi there - I made contact with my natural mother in the past year - A great experience - Anyway she didn't want to tell me who my birth father is as she described him as trouble.

    I have since got the truth out of her and he is without a doubt a horrid man.

    Maybe your birth mother is trying to protect you - saying that, she shouldn't be fobbing the subject


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    #3
    justagirl
    Registered Users Posts: 565 ✭✭✭justagirl


    Thanks for reply 7croghan, much appreciated. I'm sitting here 'thinking' and it really 'doing my head in'... I'm so annoyed!!!

    Yes, its possible that she is trying to protect me... but I'm a grown woman nearing my 40's .. .. I just want to know the truth, maybe he's a priest, maybe he's a criminal, maybe he was married at the time ... oh Idon't know, but I think I'm owed the truth right now, after all why should she be protecting him? I'm considering if I should write one last letter to her and ask for the last time, or should I meet up with her face to face and ask her...

    Would you not want to meet/find out about your own BFather yourself rather than take someone else's viewpoint of them?... what if your BMother's opinion of your BFather has been ruined by her experience with him?


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    #4
    7croghan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭7croghan


    justagirl wrote: »
    Thanks for reply 7croghan, much appreciated. I'm sitting here 'thinking' and it really 'doing my head in'... I'm so annoyed!!!

    Yes, its possible that she is trying to protect me... but I'm a grown woman nearing my 40's .. .. I just want to know the truth, maybe he's a priest, maybe he's a criminal, maybe he was married at the time ... oh Idon't know, but I think I'm owed the truth right now, after all why should she be protecting him? I'm considering if I should write one last letter to her and ask for the last time, or should I meet up with her face to face and ask her...

    Would you not want to meet/find out about your own BFather yourself rather than take someone else's viewpoint of them?... what if your BMother's opinion of your BFather has been ruined by her experience with him?


    Hi again - You are dead right - you want to know the truth and you deserve some answers and yes why is he being protected ? - Personally I would meet face to face and let you BMother know how this is affecting you. Your BMother's opinion may have been ruined as mines was -
    I was warned off him as he was a well known petty criminal at the time - I did a bit of research into his past and learned things about him that I wish I never knew -

    I hope it works out for you - let me know how you get on


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    #5
    justagirl
    Registered Users Posts: 565 ✭✭✭justagirl


    7croghan wrote: »
    Hi again - You are dead right - you want to know the truth and you deserve some answers and yes why is he being protected ? - Personally I would meet face to face and let you BMother know how this is affecting you. Your BMother's opinion may have been ruined as mines was -
    I was warned off him as he was a well known petty criminal at the time - I did a bit of research into his past and learned things about him that I wish I never knew -

    I hope it works out for you - let me know how you get on
    Txs 7croghan..... I've terrible at face to face, letters are better for me but I think you are right face to face in a situation like this is best. It might not be for a while but I'll post back after I meet up with her.

    I am sorry to hear of your own BFather - that must have been hard for you to learn about him. Thanks again, its great to be able to 'bounce' this off someone else who is adopted. Take care.


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    #6
    fluffy70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 31 ✭fluffy70


    justagirl wrote: »
    Txs 7croghan..... I've terrible at face to face, letters are better for me but I think you are right face to face in a situation like this is best. It might not be for a while but I'll post back after I meet up with her.

    I am sorry to hear of your own BFather - that must have been hard for you to learn about him. Thanks again, its great to be able to 'bounce' this off someone else who is adopted. Take care.
    Sorry Justagirl but your relationship with your mother seems to have deteriorated to a purely fact finding mission.You make no reference to your relationship with your mother and whether she feels comfortable sharing information with you about the identity of your father and the effect on his current life.


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    #7
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,285 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    fluffy70 wrote: »
    Sorry Justagirl but your relationship with your mother seems to have deteriorated to a purely fact finding mission.You make no reference to your relationship with your mother and whether she feels comfortable sharing information with you about the identity of your father and the effect on his current life.

    Your making assumptions that the OP's birthmum has knowledge about the effect of being traced will have on the OP's birthfather. There is no indication of this. Its as equally valid a theory that the birthfather may have emigrated and she may not have seen him in decades.

    Surely its perfectly reasonable to place the information with the OP and allow her make a decision. There are different people involved here- you are stating that the feelings that Justagirl has- are somehow subservient to those of her birthmum and birthfather- I think this is simply not true.


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    #8
    justagirl
    Registered Users Posts: 565 ✭✭✭justagirl


    fluffy70 wrote: »
    Sorry Justagirl but your relationship with your mother seems to have deteriorated to a purely fact finding mission.You make no reference to your relationship with your mother and whether she feels comfortable sharing information with you about the identity of your father and the effect on his current life.

    My relationship with my biological mother has/is not totally about fact finding. Obviously, when you first meet - you want to know the facts of how you 'came about' - thats normal and someone who is adopted can only know these feelings which makes it difficult for some people to understand. I have shared some of the most important things in my life with her but have never overstepped the mark, whereas she has overstepped the mark with the precious things in my life. I have give a lot of myself and my family to her. I blame myself for sharing too much with her.

    In relation to whether she feels comfortable or not sharing information with me about my biological father, she had told me that she 'thinks he went away' and 'wants to find out herself where he is and contact him' before she tells me. I have asked the same question numerous times and was always told the same thing - so I'm happy I've approached it the best way possible. This has been going on for many many years, we are all getting older and I now find it ridiculous.


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    #9
    justagirl
    Registered Users Posts: 565 ✭✭✭justagirl


    smccarrick wrote: »
    Your making assumptions that the OP's birthmum has knowledge about the effect of being traced will have on the OP's birthfather. There is no indication of this. Its as equally valid a theory that the birthfather may have emigrated and she may not have seen him in decades.

    Surely its perfectly reasonable to place the information with the OP and allow her make a decision. There are different people involved here- you are stating that the feelings that Justagirl has- are somehow subservient to those of her birthmum and birthfather- I think this is simply not true.

    Txs for your support smccarrick, my biological mother believes he did in fact emigrate, but she did advise me a brother of hers was in touch with him so theres a link there.

    I just want a name, even if I don't pursue it further - I think I deserve that. I met her over 15 years ago now - and asked her over 10 years ago. I have always gone through the correct channels with her so she knows how I am and I would never ever and have never imposed myself on someone elses life.


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