New Single Parent. HELP!

wolfpawnat

Ok I am not here looking for sympathy, relationships break up, nothing I can do about it now! But as many here know, my son is 11 months old, and although his dad was in college most of the time our son was awake, I had him there for when I wanted to go to the dentist/shower/gym. Now I am in Dublin alone, no family or friends, but I do go to the nearest mother and toddler group every week.

I am just so scared. I really feel very alone and I don't know how I am supposed to do everything. All the single parents, how do you sort yourselves when you need to get jobs done. Also is he old enough for community creche or something. That would allow me to go to the dentist or even take 20 min to clean the house during daylight hours so I can enjoy my evenings in front of the telly, or a bath or even just an early night to bed.

metrovelvet

You dont get the jobs done. Havent gone to the dentist,no smear tests, no annual colonoscopy Im supposed to get. For showers, get a playpen. Forget housework and enjoying the telly. Forget life as you know it.

wolfpawnat

Well himself goes to bed every night at half 8 so I have from then on to myself. But I suppse I am so used to having company and having an escape button that I don't know how to deal with everything myself. On the upside I can give my son his own room!:) There is always a silver lining.

metrovelvet

Well thats a big plus. It takes adjustment. Make sure you are stocked with essentials. Once it hits 7pm theres no popping out to the shop in case you forgot something.

themadchef

I became a single parent just after i had a set of twins. We hadint planned the pregnancy as we already had 2 small children. So there i was 4 children, and the oldest was 3. My heart was broke and i had very few options but to face the future head on and make sure the childrens interests came first. I havent had a night out since August. I'm very content now though. The twins are three in April and we are very, very happy. You will get through it.

What do you do? you get on with it. I used to take the older 2 into the shower with me and leave the twins in the rocker chairs at the door to the bathroom. I work full time i had a way to let off steam by going to work. No one to help you if they get sick in the middle of the night. Im lucky though, my parents live nearby. If im in trouble or sick i call them which thankfully isint too often. Do you have any freind at all who can help out? I'd hate to think i hadint a single friend i couldint turn to.

I live on the other side of the country so im too far away to offer help but if you ever need a chat, or feel your heads melting feel free to PM me. You will get through it because you have to, it's tough because youre going through the emotions of the break up too. Try to think positive, dont be afraid to ask for help.

January

Hun I hadn't realised you two had broken up!!

I'm not a single mother but I know a lot of women who are. You do the best you can do. Get a travel cot to stick him in for when you are doing your cleaning. I'm not sure about community creche..

I'm in Dublin if you ever need any help.

lalalulu

Hi Wolfpawnat.. Sorry to hear your relationship has ended... If you can afford it sending your lo to a creche could be an option maybe 3 morning's a week? Then you can get jobs done and have some time to yourself. I am a sahm and i manage to get my house work done while babs is awake. I bring her into each room while i'm cleaning and she plays. When she goes for her nap i take time for myself... Will your lo's dad be involved in his/her life? If he can take your lo on a saturday you can arrange your appointments for this day... Metrovelvet i don't believe being a single parent has to be so negitive...

wolfpawnat

themadchef wrote: »

What do you do? Do you have any freind at all who can help out?

I took time off college to have my son, I am not going back until January 2011. So at the moment I have no job (not for the lack of trying).

Sadly my friends are all in Munster and I moved to Dublin so that Aidan could have his father in his life daily and to try to prepare to go back to college in UCD. My family are all in Munster too. That is why I am freaking out about trying to do things single handedly.

lalalulu wrote: »

If you can afford it sending your lo to a creche could be an option maybe 3 morning's a week? Will your lo's dad be involved in his life?

Well that is what I am thinking of doing. He will learn social skills and get used to other children, while I get to relax and get the house sorted or get my hair done. Even just go back into bed for another hour or something.

Daddy says he isn't going to be a part-time dad. So it is either full-time or nothing for him. I offered for him to stay in the apartment with us, not as a family but so Aidan would have both parents, but he wants none of it! There is nothing more I can do.

Nevyn

You can still be a family but Mam and Dad are not a couple, it can be hard to adjust to but
we manage to make it work in this household.

It must be very hard to be so cut off from your support structures and feeling trapped and wanting to have a break. Do think about getting him into creche for both your sakes if you can, it can also be very hard to find work and sort out the care of a small kid.

Have you been to see your local socail welfare officer to see if there is any assistance for you?

Have you been able to sort out visitation at all or has he just walked away?

themadchef

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I took time off college to have my son, I am not going back until January 2011. So at the moment I have no job (not for the lack of trying).

Sadly my friends are all in Munster and I moved to Dublin so that Aidan could have his father in his life daily and to try to prepare to go back to college in UCD. My family are all in Munster too. That is why I am freaking out about trying to do things single handedly.



Well that is what I am thinking of doing. He will learn social skills and get used to other children, while I get to relax and get the house sorted or get my hair done. Even just go back into bed for another hour or something.

Daddy says he isn't going to be a part-time dad. So it is either full-time or nothing for him. I offered for him to stay in the apartment with us, not as a family but so Aidan would have both parents, but he wants none of it! There is nothing more I can do.

If you're not in college till 2011, daddy's not going to be on the scene, no friends or family in Dublin, no work in Dublin... why in Gods name don't you move home ! There's no shame in it, think of all the support you will have. If your relationship with the father is only recently fallen apart then i'd recommend giving time for the dust to settle. I don't know your circumstances but im sure he is feeling his fair share of pain. Maybe give him some time. Devils advocate from someone who's been there.

January

Some people can't go home though. Sometimes there's no room, sometimes relationships are strained.

LegacyUser

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Well that is what I am thinking of doing. He will learn social skills and get used to other children, while I get to relax and get the house sorted or get my hair done.

I have a one year old, still with my other half and he is excellent, im lucky. But we live miles away from any friends or family so there is only the two of us. Which is hard as it is so I understand how you might feel. But you just have to get on with it because no one else is going to do it for you.
I shower with the bathroom door open and baby in a play ring or pen (gone are the days where I get to shampoo AND condition!)
I clean while baby is sleeping/ napping
I eat only when she is in bed
I plan as much as I can (writing out shopping list and meal plans so I only have to go to the supermarket once etc)
I walk the dog at night
I prepare myself as much as possible (getting up extra early to have a cup of tea and do my make up before work etc)
Me time is minimual to non existant and thats just the way it is, but it get easier as you get into different routines and your little one becomes more idenpendant.

hacked

Hon, I'm so sorry to hear about the break up. If I wasn't at the waddling stage myself I would offer some help, but I'm pretty useless these days.

I don't know your family situation, but I will back up the previous poster a little. Do what's best for YOU and the little man. If that means leaving Dublin, go for it. I know you want to be close to your ex for Aidan's sake, and I think that's fantastic...but don't do anything that's going to be a huge strain on you.

Nevyn

All parents need to schedule some time out do destress for themselves, other wise you crack up and don't cope as well and you and the kids suffer.

Personally I can not wait until mine go back to school to morrow, just to have an hour of someone not needing to talk to me or ask me a question or needing me to do something as by the time they are gone to bed I am shattered.

wolfpawnat

Thaedydal wrote: »

You can still be a family but Mam and Dad are not a couple, it can be hard to adjust to but
we manage to make it work in this household.

Have you been able to sort out visitation at all or has he just walked away?

To be honest Thaedydal you were my inspiration for the idea to keep us all in the one house. I mean as much as I would rather be together, I am ok with us not being together and my son having mummy and daddy there for everything.

As for visitation, he isn't interested in only seeing him 7 days a week or none at all! He insists he isn't going to be a part time dad, that it is not fair on him or on Aidan. (Hence another reason why I went for the above idea)

themadchef wrote: »

If you're not in college till 2011, daddy's not going to be on the scene, no friends or family in Dublin, no work in Dublin... why in Gods name don't you move home ! There's no shame in it, think of all the support you will have. If your relationship with the father is only recently fallen apart then i'd recommend giving time for the dust to settle. I don't know your circumstances but im sure he is feeling his fair share of pain. Maybe give him some time. Devils advocate from someone who's been there.

Sadly as Adrienne said, I do not have a good home life. My family is what you would call a 2 ring circus!!!! Mother paranoid bi-polar control freak and my father has alcohol issues and is controlling too. So really neither are a healthy environment for Aidan and myself at the moment!:(

Hi wolfpawnat

I'm sorry to hear you're finding it so tough, I haven't been in your position so I can't say I know what you're going through, I know it's tough just having kids let alone doing it all by yourself! I do live in Dublin though (south county) so if I can offer any help at all just ask. Even if it's to pop over to you for a cup of tea on a saturday!

wolfpawnat

hacked wrote: »

I. Do what's best for YOU and the little man. If that means leaving Dublin, go for it. I know you want to be close to your ex for Aidan's sake, and I think that's fantastic...but don't do anything that's going to be a huge strain on you.

Well yes, as I said in my first post, as sad as I am about the relationship ending, the only thing that I am genuinely worried about is getting a good life for Aidan and myself.

Thaedydal wrote: »

All parents need to schedule some time out do destress for themselves, other wise you crack up and don't cope as well and you and the kids suffer.

Personally I can not wait until mine go back to school to morrow, just to have an hour of someone not needing to talk to me or ask me a question or needing me to do something as by the time they are gone to bed I am shattered.

Yes, that is my thing, where do I get time for destress time now, I am lucky I hate pubs and going out and although I rarely if ever drink sure all I need do is buy a bottle of Malibu and enjoy it over a few evenings at home while little man is in bed! Well thats what I am hoping to do anyway!

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi wolfpawnat

I'm sorry to hear you're finding it so tough, I haven't been in your position so I can't say I know what you're going through, I know it's tough just having kids let alone doing it all by yourself! I do live in Dublin though (south county) so if I can offer any help at all just ask. Even if it's to pop over to you for a cup of tea on a saturday!

Thanks whoops, I too am in South County Dub, I think maybe thats half the problem with me, loneliness. I love having time to myself but there is nothing I love more than having a conversation with friends either. And since I am irish, I can never say no to a cuppa:)

Nevyn

wolfpawnat wrote: »

To be honest Thaedydal you were my inspiration for the idea to keep us all in the one house. I mean as much as I would rather be together, I am ok with us not being together and my son having mummy and daddy there for everything.

I'll not lie about it, it's hard and at times I wonder why I torture myself doing it, esp when are at odds with each other from time to time and my frustration level's rocket and it takes all my will power to not punch the wall or have a bottle of wine.

But the reason I do it is for the kids, my daughter said a few days a go that she is glad we all live together she would hate to have to choose who to live with or to not see her Dad everyday and be able to do things with him.

That is what I have to remind myself off as I clean up yet another mess he has left on the counter top after making a cup of coffee and walking off.

wolfpawnat wrote: »

As for visitation, he isn't interested in only seeing him 7 days a week or none at all! He insists he isn't going to be a part time dad, that it is not fair on him or on Aidan. (Hence another reason why I went for the above idea)

Well what does he want? IF he wants to be in his child's life as much as possible and be a hands on Dad how does he propose that happens and how is he going to make it work?

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Sadly as Adrienne said, I do not have a good home life. My family is what you would call a 2 ring circus!!!! Mother paranoid bi-polar control freak and my father has alcohol issues and is controlling too. So really neither are a healthy environment for Aidan and myself at the moment!:(

I have found that once you are living under your parent's roof you are a child again and being a parent and raising a child under those circumstance can be very very difficult.

wolfpawnat

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Thanks whoops, I too am in South County Dub, I think maybe thats half the problem with me, loneliness. I love having time to myself but there is nothing I love more than having a conversation with friends either. And since I am irish, I can never say no to a cuppa:)

Great!

Pm on it's way

cyning

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Well yes, as I said in my first post, as sad as I am about the relationship ending, the only thing that I am genuinely worried about is getting a good life for Aidan and myself.

My Mum and Dad broke up when I was 12 and my brothers were 11 and 6. I remember her trying to do everything to keep us happy and also remember her (and yes I was eavesdropping) been worried she'd never cope, never be able to support us, not be able to send us to college. That I would hate her (I was being difficult at the time!)

12 years later, both me and my brother have honours degrees, Mum has changed career and looks 10 years younger now then she did then. We have the best relationship. Seperating SUCKS but I think you and Aidan will be fine You will have a good life. Been seperated doesn't mean things won't work out for both of you

smelltheglove

Hi Wolf, I became a single mother whilst pregnant, I wasnt a single mother for long and I guess my situation was easier than what you are in now, I went from living with my dad to living with my mam when she was just a few weeks old. I did get back with my ex when dd was bout 8 or 9 months old but it didnt last long. I dont know what I would have done if I were so far away from home. I bought a house when my daughter was 1.5 in Navan, I have to say I was quite lonely but I had a friend with me most days and some days I spent with my family.

All I can say to you is that you find a way to make it work. Days roll on and although you dont notice the time passing it goes so slowly too but in the end you get to a stage when you are ok. I am married now with a second child and when she was born I found everything so easy, when she started to move around, little demon that she is, I used to think God how did I do this alone? I wasnt completely alone as I had friends but my responsibility was all mine and I was adamant that I did everything for her, it was hard but it got done!

I really feel for you and hope you can pull yourself together and realise what is best for you. Put your childs name down for community playschool now, my husband lost his job and our daughter is in a community playschool now, the hse pay the majority of the fee so we only have to pay 23 a week. We didnt know ourselves having the house to ourselves for 3 hours a day at first. They usually dont take children in until they are 3 but they get booked quickly so best put the name down now.

Until then continue with your toddler group, nap when baby naps and just do the best you can, there are plenty here that will listen when you need it and help where they can. I'm in Lucan myself so prob not too far from you. If you ever need to talk just say.

Snowman123

Hi there,

I remember speaking with you when we were both pregnant at the same time. I have a 10 month old. My heart goes out to you. I know it can be so difficult to have any time to yourself.

Most days I dont get a chance to brush my hair, I jump in the bath and strap him into his bouncer for 5 mins.. even at that I play peek a boo in the bath to keep him quiet for 5 mins.

I only can clean/iron/mop etc when he's asleep. Tbh the house can be upside down at times because I feel like I am always playing catch up on the cleaning.

I am very lucky that my OH is great. During the day its just me and the baby. I cant imagine how you are feeling.

I remember the story with your Mam so know you cant go home, so what about applying for a house to stay in Dublin. I have made a few friends in the area by joining the Mammy and baby group. No doubt your life is going to change but maybe this is an oppertuinity for change- whatever you want it to be. I would keep the door open for Daddy but wouldnt let him mess the child around with visits. I hope he would be a nice enough person to be there for you and Aidan for whatever yous need.. despite the breakdown of the relationship.

I am here if you ever need a chat..

metrovelvet

Do you have friends back home? If so, I would consider moving back.

~me~

hi wolfpawnat,

im not a single mother but i am a young mother at college and my partner works til late at night so im on my own all day and i partly know what its like. I have to say the first year and a half can be quite overwhelming- not only having a new baby to adjust to but the fact that they are really dependant on you during that time and need constant attention; add a break up into the mix and you really are dealing with some big changes so its no wonder you're feeling apprehensive.

im in my third year of college now and it can be hard but dont worry its more than possible! so dont worry about that.
i started college six weeks after i had my lil girl and she started in the campus creche at 10 weeks. id come home from college and have a baby to look after and college work to do, along with all the daily stuff that only seems to become such an ordeal when you have kids! but ive found that the creche really does make a difference, especially if you're in college- you can get cleaning done during a free period, relax or do some coursework while the lil one is at creche and then when you get home you can relax with him, put him to bed and do whatever else needs doing.

even if you're not in college the benefits to the child are amazing. ive been told by numerous people including doctors (sounds like im braging now! ) that my one is way beyond her years and has great social skills. she has a huge vocabulary and is quite confident which i really do put down to all the social interaction in the creche from an early age. i know some people think that you should stay with your child and wait a while before putting them in the creche but theres so many advantages for yourself and the little fella that you should consider it. It'll also get you into a routine which is something you both need. if you speak to your community welfare officer about entitlements and community creches they might steer you in the right direction.
its also important that your child does start a while before your semester starts so its not such an ordeal when he does start because you will feel guilty trying to bring him in if hes not used to the place.

bouncers and playpens come in handy, even high chairs, pop him in it and let him babble to himself- get things done and allow him to entertain himself because they need to learn to do that! otherwise they'll always want you to play with them!

i do think you need to give dad some time cause he seems to be trying to rail road you into letting him have baby 24/7 which is not right. maybe ive got it wrong there but its best to leave him be for a while til he realises that hes missing out on his son.

if you need to talk to me about anything, even about being a mum at college or anything just send me a pm. hope this helps. it'll all be ok though- when theres a baby in the house things always brighten up, no matter how bad things get or how low you feel, believe me! you just dont get a chance to look good or even clean!

metrovelvet

I can post you some baby einstein dvds if thats any help.

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

I can post you some baby einstein dvds if thats any help.

Seconded. The Baby einstein videos are amazing and well worth a look. Small kids are mesorised by them and as a plus they are educational in a v.good way for v. small kids. I have several on the computer which I can post as well if required.

wolfpawnat

Thaedydal wrote: »

I'll not lie about it, it's hard and at times I wonder why I torture myself doing it, esp when are at odds with each other from time to time and my frustration level's rocket and it takes all my will power to not punch the wall or have a bottle of wine.

But the reason I do it is for the kids, my daughter said a few days a go that she is glad we all live together she would hate to have to choose who to live with or to not see her Dad everyday and be able to do things with him.

That is what I have to remind myself off as I clean up yet another mess he has left on the counter top after making a cup of coffee and walking off.




Well what does he want? IF he wants to be in his child's life as much as possible and be a hands on Dad how does he propose that happens and how is he going to make it work?


I have found that once you are living under your parent's roof you are a child again and being a parent and raising a child under those circumstance can be very very difficult.

Like you, I Thaed, I would do anything, include being driven mad for my child. It hurts to see his dad, because I love him, but I would get over that in time and I would do ANYTHING to make Aidans life as good as possible.

Yes, even being in the nan's house for xmas was hell, I was demoted from adult to child again. I love having my own place!

metrovelvet wrote: »

I can post you some baby einstein dvds if thats any help.

Thanks Metro, I really have to start organising getting him more educational childrens programmes, I usually let him watch animal documentaries, I am a docu-dork I admit:ow

bealfeirste5

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Ok I am not here looking for sympathy, relationships break up, nothing I can do about it now! But as many here know, my son is 11 months old, and although his dad was in college most of the time our son was awake, I had him there for when I wanted to go to the dentist/shower/gym. Now I am in Dublin alone, no family or friends, but I do go to the nearest mother and toddler group every week.

I am just so scared. I really feel very alone and I don't know how I am supposed to do everything. All the single parents, how do you sort yourselves when you need to get jobs done. Also is he old enough for community creche or something. That would allow me to go to the dentist or even take 20 min to clean the house during daylight hours so I can enjoy my evenings in front of the telly, or a bath or even just an early night to bed.

Maybe think about moving closer to friends or family?

ash23

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I am just so scared. I really feel very alone and I don't know how I am supposed to do everything. All the single parents, how do you sort yourselves when you need to get jobs done. Also is he old enough for community creche or something. That would allow me to go to the dentist or even take 20 min to clean the house during daylight hours so I can enjoy my evenings in front of the telly, or a bath or even just an early night to bed.

You just need a good routine.
I was a single parent when my daughter was small and am again now, second time around.
When I needed to get stuff done when she was a baby, I usually brought her with me.Doctors, waxing, hairdressers etc. I used to try and fit it around her nap.
She's older now and I work full time so I either bring her with me or arrange it while I'm in work.

The housework and stuff, it's just a matter of keeping on top of it.
I throw a wash on in the morning, load the dishwasher, clear and tidy up a bit. When I get home I cook dinner, clear up right away, unload the dishwasher and hang out the clothes. Meaning that when the kiddo goes to bed at half 8, it's a quick tidy and I've the evening to myself.

You need to be open about your loneliness and the need for friends. The best kinds of friends are ones in the same boat. I met a couple of girls with kids same age as mine and we all take turns collecting them when the other is held up, or minding them when something crops up like a funeral or an appt.

You'll get through it.

LegacyUser

Im also a single mum and I remember well the lonliness and isolation when my son was small. All I can say is he's 8 now. Nothing lasts forever. I know you might think it's a very long way away, but honestly, your child will not always be a baby and you will get time to yourself. I have just started my first proper relationship since I had my son - could never find the time to go out and deal with hangovers etc. I regret that now. Looking back, it's as the previous poster said, get a routine! Get up in the morning, have a shower and get dressed. Sometimes its as simple as that. I used to mope around in my pjs till lunchtime, dreading packing the bag just to go to the shops. I dreaded almost everything in fact. Never felt lonliness like it, and yet I was confused because I loved this child soooo much, and yet felt so alone. If I had a chance to do it again (and I hope I do, with a partner this time), my advice would be get up, have a shower, get dressed and plan to do something as many days as you can.

lynski

have to second that you need to be open to making friends - it is so scary. i am not a single mom but as a stay at home mom, the only way to get things done was to make friends. Next time at the playgroup, take a very deep breath and invite someone who looks friendly to yours for coffee and a play for the kiddies - at the very least you will have a coffee with someone other then your child. then do it again and again, with a few people - remember it take a village - and lo and behold soon you will be helping each other out.
don't worry about the house - they have a small child too remember.
As for the daddy - if he wants 7 day access that includes some give and take, he will have to step up to taking his child at times it suits you too.
good luck.