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Have you ever had depression?
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I’m terrified even writing this and I feel like an idiot, but sometimes I think I may be suffering from depression. But I don’t know if I am or I’m just being a melodramatic attention seeker, or maybe I just need to get some things off my chest. Whichever way I feel so boxed in, there is nothing I can do about any of these things and I need to admit it before I explode.
I don’t even exactly know what it is to be depressed and I certainly don’t have any reason to be so, my life is good. All I know is that on and off for years, and more so in the last nine months or so, I feel so down about everything. I feel worthless and inadequate all of the time and I don’t know why.
I’ve never been able to talk about problems, to me they seem insignificant in comparison to other peoples’, and not anything that can be helped. It’s not that I don’t have friends I could confide in but what could they do? And I am always really paranoid that people don’t like me as much as they let on/I imagine, I’d hate to think I was pouring my heart out to someone and they were thinking “Why the hell is she telling me?”
They only time I do speak about things that bother me is when I’m drunk but everybody just assumes it’s the alcohol talking as opposed to giving me the courage to say the stuff I can’t when I’m sober.
School was **** for me. I was the target of constant abuse until 5th year, but not enough for me to admit that it was bullying. I thought after school would be better for me but I’ve been out of there for 2 years and I still feel the same, if not worse. I feel under so much pressure to be something, anything, and I’m still struggling with “big fish, little pond -> small fish, ocean” syndrome. I worry about the future all of the time.
All the time I feel the constant need to put on a front; I’m the happy-go-lucky, carefree one that isn’t often fazed by anything. But that’s not true, that’s who I want to be but I have to pretend I’m already there because I don’t want anybody to know how much I’m bothered by so many things and it’s so hard to keep that face on when all you want to do is scream. Then of course there have been the people who have seen through this and I just push them away because I feel like they won’t like me once they realise how much of a tool I really am.
Now that I’ve written all of that I’ve suddenly forgotten why I started or what I expect anyone to say but I came to a realisation the other night that maybe I do need help or at least to tell somebody how I feel. I would post this in PI anonymously but I feel like that’d be cheating, I need it to be where people who at least kind of know me will see it (internet people are easier than real-life people). I’m really sorry if this is in the wrong place or inappropriate or something but yeah…I’m not happy and this is the only place I feel safe to admit it.
You said you don't know what you have to be depressed about, your life is good. First off you don't need to have a reason to be depressed. You're obviously familiar with reactive depression, where people become depressed as a response to some traumatic event or circumstance, but clinical depression is often caused by differing levels of neurochemicals. This is nothing you caused, and generally something you can't change with positive thinking alone.
You seem to think that your feelings are silly and you're being melodramatic but seriously, get that out of your head. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't brush it off, you'd get it seen to and treated. Simple as. I hate that mental health is viewed so differently and with such stigma attached. If you feel a mental health check-up is in order then by all means go get one. You don't need to feel like this, and you shouldn't.
Oh and secondly, the above is a good indication that you are indeed depressed, and if you described it to a doctor exactly as you are here, I'm sure that they would diagnose you as such. The lengths of time you feel down for, feeling hopeless and being unable to deal with things that other people seem to be able to handle easily are all red flags.
What a doctor will offer you is some form of counselling or other, and possibly medication (I ain't a doctor. Just going on what I know). I'd recommend the first to everyone and anyone, counselling, talking to a trusted and trained professional, is extremely beneficial. There's stigma surrounding this too but fúck it. We can't live our lives to suit antiquated societal ideals. If you're uncomfortable with this idea at first I'd urge you to try it at least once, what have you got to lose?
When it comes to medication it's a personal thing, antidepressants have worked very well for me, and luckily the first one I tried suited me perfectly. If you're interested in them then I'd advise reading up on SSRI's (or serotonin specific reuptake inhibitors) to become more familiar with them and how they work, this http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ssris/MH00066 seems like a reputable source of information. Iono how to link embed something something... whatever it's called.
The first step is going to a GP and describing all of what you posted above, if you already have one you trust then that's great, and if you're in college and have access to a free doctor then that's the way to go...if you're not comfortable talking to family and/or friends about it just yet then that's okay, maybe in time you will be.
I just really advise you to go do something about it, there is absolutely no reason for you (or anyone) to spend their days unhappy and feeling hopeless when you can live an easier life with a bit of action now. It's as straightforward as any health problem, really, and should be treated as such. Good luck
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I wish that more people could read this thread and realise what a large percentage of young people are affected by a mental illness of some kind. Instead of the "sure what do they have to be depressed about in this day and age" shite (mainly from the older generations), that they understand that mental illness isn't something that's brought on deliberately by the person, its an illness like any other that needs to be given time and attention to treat. It shouldn't be so stigmatized that people are afraid to confide in friends, family, or even a doctor. Fair play everyone who has been so honest here, hopefully the stigma will disappear as our generation gets older and more open about these things
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Eviez, you have got to look after your self. You know that so you have to start doing it. See a doctor, and maybe an officer or someone at college who can help with your feelings about your course. I don't know which college you go to so I don't know which services are available to you, but you should utilise them! You need to help yourself feel better, cause you're worth it and you shouldn't spend your days feeling miserable.
Your mom is probably just afraid that you'll disappoint yourself, if you can find the energy to tell her why your course doesn't suit you, and what your alternatives are - she's more likely to listen. What is it you want to do? That's what's important. She doesn't want to see you out on your ass with nothing to do... But there is zero point in continuing a course that makes you miserable. Find something that excites and motivates you, then pursue that. Maybe there's someone at college who can help you figure that out? They're there to help you, utilise them!
When all of these circumstantial things are sorted out I'm sure you'll feel a whole lot better, and can focus on your health with those out of the equation. It would be hard for a doctor to help you considering all of the other things going on in your life, they'd probably advise you to sort those out before they could see what else is to be done. I hope that makes sense. Talking this out is so important too, there are free counselling services nationwide, and I cannot stress how beneficial it is. It's scary as fúck at first, when all of this is usually in your head, but it helps SO MUCH. If you don't feel that anyone would support your decision to pursue this route, then go it alone at first. It'll make you feel in control, and you can tell others when you feel stronger.
I hope any of that helped in any small way, and good luck 0 -
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Extrasupervery wrote: »Agreed. Do what you can to stay sane this year...and don't waste your time on friends who aren't friends. Spend time with people who make you feel good
Yeah, its just unreal awkward in school with the whole situation, so its hard to tell who's actually my friend. But it's only another year anyway. 0 -
Listen. Just listen. Tell him you'll be at the other end of the phone if he needs you. Or a lot of the time he might not be able to or want to talk, but he might want someone. Just someone there. Go watch some mindless movie with him, or go for a walk or whatever it is that's natural for you to do. You don't have to talk, and you don't have to know all the answers either. He's getting help, and I'm sure his parents interrogate him enough.
Just let him know that you can be around if he needs you, and that it isn't a big deal
PS: You rock.0 -
<snip: quoted a deleted post>
Manic depression is now referred to as bipolar disorder, and I have been diagnosed with that. Speaking from my own experience, once prescribed the right medication, the symptoms can be vastly improved and I know that since I've been on the right treatment, I am feeling like a new person.
If he really is bipolar, I think his parents do need to be told about it and his condition managed.
There isn't really much you can do, I'd imagine. Just try to be there for him as much as you can, and make sure you take care of yourself as well. Always being the person that someone who is mentally ill leans on can be severely draining. 0 -
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Sorry to dredge up this thread but I just felt like posting in here again.
I’d been having a really good summer, rarely down at all. Even things I didn’t realise were problems improved, like I can now talk to my friends about my problems I never did that before but since I’ve come over here, and especially in the last week or so thing haven’t been going so great.
One of the first weekends here though, we found an Irish bar. Not one of those stupid “Oirish” bars with non-stop Irish music and no actual Irish people on staff. In fact apart from the décor and the fact the owner (and the 1 other barman) is Irish. But anyway, one day when I was there the owner came in drunk, he’d been drinking all day with friends or something. But anyway we got talking and we talked about al sorts of drunken nonsense but I also told him how I’d been feeling. He was so nice about it and gave me hug and all.
A night or two ago we decided, because we weren’t going out, we’d go for a drink there. My friend left before I did and I ended up staying till closing. On the way out I was feeling pretty down and gave him (the owner, who was not drunk this time) a hug. He asked me if I wanted to have a chat. I accepted and we talked for like 2 hours, I was crying and horrible and told him far more than I want anybody to know about me but I can not begin to explain how nice it was to have somebody to talk to and to cry to.
But anyway, he seemed to have a bit of experience with depression and that, although he’s not a doctor or anything he would have though I had it. He also recommended I take St. John’s Wort which I’m looking into. But it’s funny how talking to someone has made me realise things about myself that I didn’t know before and made me think about changes I should be making now and how I really have to stop putting of things that I think might make me happy just because they might be hard e.g. I’ll wait till I’m home, ‘till I graduate, ‘till tomorrow.
…Once again I not sure why I’m posting this here. I s’pose I just needed to tell someone and here seemed as good a place as any.0 -
Sorry to dredge up this thread but I just felt like posting in here again.
I’d been having a really good summer, rarely down at all. Even things I didn’t realise were problems improved, like I can now talk to my friends about my problems I never did that before but since I’ve come over here, and especially in the last week or so thing haven’t been going so great.
One of the first weekends here though, we found an Irish bar. Not one of those stupid “Oirish” bars with non-stop Irish music and no actual Irish people on staff. In fact apart from the décor and the fact the owner (and the 1 other barman) is Irish. But anyway, one day when I was there the owner came in drunk, he’d been drinking all day with friends or something. But anyway we got talking and we talked about al sorts of drunken nonsense but I also told him how I’d been feeling. He was so nice about it and gave me hug and all.
A night or two ago we decided, because we weren’t going out, we’d go for a drink there. My friend left before I did and I ended up staying till closing. On the way out I was feeling pretty down and gave him (the owner, who was not drunk this time) a hug. He asked me if I wanted to have a chat. I accepted and we talked for like 2 hours, I was crying and horrible and told him far more than I want anybody to know about me but I can not begin to explain how nice it was to have somebody to talk to and to cry to.
But anyway, he seemed to have a bit of experience with depression and that, although he’s not a doctor or anything he would have though I had it. He also recommended I take St. John’s Wort which I’m looking into. But it’s funny how talking to someone has made me realise things about myself that I didn’t know before and made me think about changes I should be making now and how I really have to stop putting of things that I think might make me happy just because they might be hard e.g. I’ll wait till I’m home, ‘till I graduate, ‘till tomorrow.
…Once again I not sure why I’m posting this here. I s’pose I just needed to tell someone and here seemed as good a place as any.
That's good. It's really important to talk, 'cause keeping things in generally just makes things worse. If ya ever need to vent, feel free to throw me a PM. Glad you're doin' okay. 0 -
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BUMP!
Since you guys voted this thread the best in C&H I guess it should be resurrected for a while. I've posted a couple of times here but never went into any great detail. However, there's currently a thread about the subject in After Hours and I decided to write down my life story! This is a copy and paste job from the thread:I was diagnosed with "mild" depression about a year ago. (I was also suspected as possibly suffering from schizophrenia but thankfully that turned out not to be the case.) This came after months of feeling miserable about life; I spent the whole summer of 2009 alone in my bedroom. I thought going back to college would help but the added pressure just made everything worse. I ended up missing so many lectures and assignments because I could never sleep at night and would be too fatigued to get up and go to college in the morning. Subconsciously, I think I stayed awake at night because if I was too tired to get up during the day it meant I could avoid seeing other people and would only have to be awake when I was alone.
Was put on medication and for most of 2010 I was doing a lot better. Over the past 2 months everything has basically come down hard on me again. Being back in college has put a lot of pressure on me; I'm in my final year and need to do ridiculously well this year to get a Masters (to make up for missing so much college in 3rd year, when I was depressed but didn't know it, and basically doing shít in my 3rd year exams.) I saw a counsellor who basically told me that he didn't think I needed counselling, and to be told that I was ok when I knew myself that I wasn't was a major setback for me. Also I became really disillusioned with everyone in my life; friends, family etc. I'd be mad at and avoid for no reason. Everything in life had already begun to fall apart when my boyfriend (who I had been with for six months) broke up with me the night before my birthday. That incident just accelerated everything and was about three weeks ago. I haven't felt right since.
I'm going back to a different counsellor, I'm going to give seeing a psychiatirst another shot (missed an appointment earlier in the year due to a mix up of dates - I didn't make another appointment because I thought I was doing better.) and my medication has been increased. I've never attempted suicide but I have thought about it; I reckon everyone (or nearly everyone) thinks about it at some stage though.
I wasn't gonna post all this here but I've spoken about it in other forums and I don't care about remaining anonymous or anything. A big thank you to boneyarsebogman for starting this thread; it's a subject that doesn't get as much treatment as it needs.
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=69770536#post697705360
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