Have you ever had depression?

cloud493

I done what 'Put Text here' Suggested, and put it in a spoiler box. So only read if you want to



(

Well, not to put a whole lot of context on it, since I'm not in a good place right now and it'll just make me sadder, my dad spent... from the day I was born, from what I've been told, till he moved out when I was 14, and then some, beating the **** out of me, treating me like crap, telling me he never wanted me and I should have been aborted, and yet still being a good dad to my two brothers and two sisters. In 2001 he broke my arm. And in 2006 he he cracked my head open. And more than once he tried to leave me in places, like literally just take me into a busy shopping place like, and leave me. And generally just treating me like rubbish. And my mum got a bit of.. abuse as well. and the only person that ever stood up for me was my sister, my very eldest sister. And my mum didnt kick him out till 2007, when he came in drunk on new years day, took the new wii she'd bought me, since he was unemployed, smashed it, and poured boiling water over my face. Which was good.But then against my better judgement, in march 08, when i was 15, she convinced me to go and stay with him for a week in birkenhead, which is across the water from liverpool, he got a job, she said he was attending meetings, he'd sorted himself out, all that. So I went, and he was ok, and he acted all apologetic, until, i dont know what made him do this, but, he put something in my drink. and i was.. unconsience. if thats how you spell it. or whatever. And when i was awake, he'd tied to a bed. his bed. whatever. and he touched me. in that way. and.... he raped me. and then, he got some, he said they were friends, but i dont know how he met those kind of people, they came in, and they did... similar things, you know

SarahBeep!

It's really brave of you to admit that cloud. That's always the first step in working through your problems. Are you going to talk to anyone more formally at the moment?

cloud493

SarahBeep! wrote: »

It's really brave of you to admit that cloud. That's always the first step in working through your problems. Are you going to talk to anyone more formally at the moment?

I did. But it never helped. So I don't now.

Aoibheann

Cloud, that's so brave of you to post. And how could we think badly of you based on that? It's not your fault that any of this happened, please make sure you remember that. *hugs*

I know it can be so difficult to find a counsellor that will help, but if the first one or two don't work for you, you really need to try another - it can take a while but you should find one that meets what you need out of a counsellor. I've found mine to be so, so helpful with working through issues, and while I haven't experienced even a fraction of what you've gone through, I certainly can identify with a lot of the earlier parts. So if you ever want a sounding board, someone who can empathise, please do PM me. I do really, really recommend trying another counsellor/psychologist though.

cloud493

It is my fault because I should of known, and I should have told my mum no, I won't see him. But I was stupid enough to think he'd changed.

shadowninty

cloud493 wrote: »

It is my fault because I should of known, and I should have told my mum no, I won't see him. But I was stupid enough to think he'd changed.

Its never stupid to want to be able to have a dad that cares for you. You cant blame yourself

Aoibheann

cloud493 wrote: »

It is my fault because I should of known, and I should have told my mum no, I won't see him. But I was stupid enough to think he'd changed.

It's his fault. Of course you'd want to believe he'd changed, he's your father - I think we all want to think the best of our family. You were only 15, and as you said, your mother convinced you to go. I'd almost certainly have gone along with what my mother had said at that age. You need to know that you're not to blame for these awful, awful things that have happened to you. You were only a child, and you were abused by someone that you should have been able to trust with your life. This is not your fault, it's entirely his.

Lawliet

cloud493 wrote: »

I did. But it never helped. So I don't now.

It might help if you were to look for a counsellor who specialises in that kind of abuse. DRCC run a free counselling service (it's free for the first six weeks anyway), and if you're not comfortable going there they may be able to get you in contact with an external counsellor.

Anyway I hope you don't feel like we're putting pressure on you to talk about this when you're not comfortable doing so, just know that there's support out there and -of course- on here when you want to talk

cloud493

I've tried pieta house here, didn't help at all. Felt worse.

cloud493

Sorry, it sounds like I'm being a dismissive idiot here. I'm not, I appreciate you listening, if nothing else, and not judging. Because I judge me, for being so stupid, and naive. But I hate talking to these people who pretend to understand, and act like they know what your going through, when all they've done is read about it in a book. I appreciate you guys not hating me for it. I do.

Pigwidgeon

cloud493 wrote: »

Sorry, it sounds like I'm being a dismissive idiot here. I'm not, I appreciate you listening, if nothing else, and not judging. Because judge me, for being so stupid, and naive. But I hate talking to these people who pretend to understand, and act like they know what your going through, when all they've done is read about it in a book. I appreciate you guys not hating me for it. I do.

Just on that note cloud, my mum is a therapist and for anyone to qualify they have to go through a certain amount of hours of counselling themselves, so they will know what it's like, and while they may not have been through the same stuff as you chances are that something would have happened to them to make them want to become a therapist in the first place. I honest believe you just need to find one who you can connect with and work with.

Also if anyone judges you, they're not worth your time of day. You've done nothing wrong.

Aoibheann

I don't think any of us would have any reason to hate you, any right to judge. What you went through is absolutely horrendous, and a massive betrayal of any trust you should normally have for a parent.

I wish you could see yourself as I have over these posts though. I don't see you as being stupid or naive. I see someone ridiculously brave for being able to post what you did for so many people to see (hell, I can barely even speak to my counsellor half the time and what happened to me is nothing compared to this). I see someone who was willing to give their parent a second chance - that's love, not naivety. I can understand the blaming yourself though - I blamed myself for so much of what's happened to me, and I was wrong. You say you should have known better. Your father should have. What he did was so beyond wrong, and he was in a position of authority over you. Society teaches us to respect and love our parents, so I think you did what you were expected to do. I know that afterwards, we kick ourselves and blame ourselves for not knowing better, for returning to an abusive family member, but that doesn't mean the abuse is our fault. It's not your fault.

cloud493

Well I did in England, in a private school actually. My brother who.... is, in my opinion, worse than my dad is, told everyone, and rallied a school of... 120 ish secondary school pupils on a homophobic campaign against me. So I don't say much to him.

Salty

djcervi wrote: »

....

^^Sorry for not quoting it, but like you said, it was long:P But I can totally relate to a lot of it. I have very low self esteem, but my only difference is that nobody really knows. I go to college every day, and I doubt anyone would ever see my lack of confidence. I'm kind of obsessed with how I look, and I don't mean that in a vain way. I mean that in the way that I can't go without my make-up and hair done, because I think people will look at me and think I'm ugly, or that my skin in bad..basically that they will pass judgement, and even still with it on, I'm beyond self-conscious.

I'm the same as you with study, though not as rigid. I don't think I'm very good at anything in particular, so I like to do well academically. Like, I play music, but I'm nothing special at it. I studied hard for my LC for 2 years, but I had placed incredible pressure on myself to do well. I would go to school every day, nothing unusual to anyone on the outside looking in, have the bants with my friends or whatever, but when I went home, I would have terrible panic attacks, and just cry uncontrollably for most of the night. This happened several times a week, for the whole of 6th year. It got particularly bad coming up to Christmas...I frightened myself a bit with what I was thinking...I'm getting upset writing about it now cos I haven't allowed myself to think about it much up to now...I wondered would it be easier to just end it...and nobody knows I thought that...not my parents, my boyfriend, my friends...nobody. I couldn't tell them, I still can't really. I don't think they'd believe me.

The LC ended up being a complete train crash. I broke down during a couple of my exams, and didn't get them finished, and anything I wrote was just crap because my mind was scrambled and I couldn't get what I knew down on paper in any organised, or sensible way. The summer afterwards was horrible, the thoughts of the results just kept me trapped in that bad place I'd been during the year. But I didn't have school or study to hide behind anymore, and people started to notice that I wasn't quite myself. But unlike your mum, nobody asked me was I ok, or suggested I get help, or tried to help me. I was told to "snap out of it" "just cheer up" "you have nothing to be down about, don't be so stupid." My mum was giving out to me one day, I was driving us home from shopping or something, saying "I'd lost my umph" (whatever the fcuk that is) and why couldn't I just be happy, the way I was before. Apparently, I've no reason I could be unhappy.

When I got the results of my LC, it was absolutely terrible. The worst like. I felt like I had wasted 2 years of my life, and tbh I still do think that. They were the worst results I could possibly have achieved, I didn't get anything I really wanted as ye all know by now. And the thing is, I needed to get my results to verify to everyone around me that I am smart. And I still feel that. I know that I'm smart enough to do more, but that's not enough for me. I need everyone else to know that I am too. And it's going around in my head all the time, people think I'm stupid; people think I'm ugly. I just can't get past it. I hate how some people react when I tell them I'm doing Arts. I'm convinced that people who know me, are thinking "typical, she couldn't have done anything else" when they find out. I feel like a failure.

Whenever I try to talk about this with my friends, they just don't get it. My boyfriend doesn't get it. They have no idea because they all got what they wanted, even though I worked just as hard, if not harder than them. They say things like "oh, you're meant to get the results you get, it's just meant to be." I don't know how that's supposed to be comforting. It makes me feel thicker tbh, and pretty much proves to me that they think that I couldn't have done better than I did. I feel worthless. I hate myself for not doing better. I don't give a crap atm about all the other ways there are to do what you want. No. I should be doing it the straightforward way. I can't help thinking that in 3 years time, I should be looking at having only 1 year left in the degree I wanted, not final year in this degree, and another 2 years of a postgrad after that.

Now that I've just typed all this, I think it sounds a bit stupid, if not mundane compared to everything else in this thread, but I needed to vent. I've given up trying to tell my friends and parents, it doesn't work. I know the LC results are practically a lifetime ago now, but they're relevent now just because they're the reason I am where I am now. I often get bewildered in the middle of a lecture, wonder wtf am I doing here. This wasn't in the plan. At the same time though, if I were to go back and repeat the LC, I know the same thing would happen. I'm not in an ideal place now, but I was in a worse place in 6th year, and I couldn't go back to school after having the freedom of college. I suppose I'm gonna have to suck it up for 3 years.

Sorry about the essay.:o

cloud493

You seem lovely Meehan. And when people say 'you've nothing to be sad about' their not looking hard enough.

Salty

cloud493 wrote: »

You seem lovely Meehan. And when people say 'you've nothing to be sad about' their not looking hard enough.

Definitely. What's on the surface counts for nothing. It's weird, sometimes when we hear of someone who has committed suicide, my mum would start going on about how awful it is, why wouldn't they go talk to someone about their problems. I've tried to talk to her and I get the head taken off me.

You're so brave to be able to tell us what happened on here cloud. And I know that it's hard to divulge things like that to people. It's hard to talk about small things, never mind things on the scale of what happened to you. You have nothing to be guilty about, and you have nothing to hate yourself for. You did nothing wrong. You are the victim in your situation, and I really want you to know that. I really hope you find some peace for yourself. Everyone deserves a content, fulfilled life, and you should never think that you don't.

Grindylow

_meehan_ wrote: »

Definitely. What's on the surface counts for nothing. It's weird, sometimes when we hear of someone who has committed suicide, my mum would start going on about how awful it is, why wouldn't they go talk to someone about their problems. I've tried to talk to her and I get the head taken off me.

I think it's mainly because (and I'm not insinuating anyone's old here ) our parents are from a different generation! Back in their days, depression etc, was probably just dismissed as a myth, an urban legend, something they've heard of but didn't believe in.

It's easier for people to avoid what's clearly in front of them, rather than confronting it for fear of what you'll hear if you actually ask about it. It's not a good enough reason, but it's not exactly their faults either! I suppose older generations were raised in a different era to us, with different virtues etc, so it's hard to find similar ground on topics like this!

cloud493

I agree with that. I was watching fawlty towers just now(bad example) and the way they talk about depression and psychiatry in this is... odd, I suppose.


And yeah it is Meehan, because most people won't bother to look below the surface. But all I can tell you, for what its worth, is that it won't last forever. You're a lovely person, and.... the only way up from to go from the bottom is up! (not that you're at the bottom)

Salty

cloud493 wrote: »

I agree with that. I was watching fawlty towers just now(bad example) and the way they talk about depression and psychiatry in this is... odd, I suppose.


And yeah it is Meehan, because most people won't bother to look below the surface. But all I can tell you, for what its worth, is that it won't last forever. You're a lovely person, and.... the only way up from to go from the bottom is up! (not that you're at the bottom)

You're right! I hit the bottom 3 times I suppose, Christmas of 6th year, coming up to and during the exams, and around the results. Like a yo-yo I suppose. I'm better now than I was then, I'm just trying to keep myself that way. If I were to go down again though for whatever reason, I think I'd just find someone to talk to through college. I need to stop going backwards.

cloud493

Hitting the bottom doesn't matter, as long we don't stay there. Like Churchill said, courage is the ability to face the next day without loss of enthusiasm of the failures of the last. Or something like that.

SarahBeep!

Much love to you Meehan <3 <3

djcervi

_meehan_ wrote: »

.....

Hi Meehan, apologies for having to do this also. I guess that makes us even . Similarly, I can relate to a fair bit of your story. The worst thing about low self-esteem are the rigid rules we place on ourselves to get through life, which might serve us to get through the moment. But, in the long time, it doesn't do us any favours. We try to please people around us, so that they won't judge us. But, in reality, we are actually judging ourselves perhaps even more harshly than the actual people around us do (even if they actually do?). I'm saying this as this is perhaps what provokes you to be self-conscious about your appearance.

It seems to me that you sadly don't know the great person that you are. Again, this is the single most horrible thing about low self esteem. We focus too much on the negative, that we just can't focus on the positive. If there are any positives in our lives, we play them down to chance, or that they are irrelevant, etc. A few positives that I can probably gather from your post are that: you managed to get through the LC and go to college (even if Arts is considered sweet FA by society :rolleyes:), you play music and you have people around you (even though they might not know that vulnerable side of you that could do with support) who must love you if they are around you (one of which is in a relationship with you).

With regard to support from friends, etc..I have tried to explain it to some friends (guys), who sadly don't really get it at all. I remember confiding in one of my friends about my self esteem and other problems that influenced this (eg. my verbally abusive alcoholic father who played mind games with me all through my life), who just told me to focus on the fact that I got a good Education (from the school which destroyed any sense of identity I had of myself beforehand) and take it easy. I was slightly hurt after that, because I worked up the courage to say it to somebody, and nothing positive availed of it. I kinda realised then that the group of people I called my old school friends weren't going to be helpful. Sadly, this could happen. But don't let that stop you from confiding in people. Luckily I confided in a friend from college, who told me about her depression, etc. I talk to her from time to time about everything and even when life is hard, as does she. But the fact I go to counselling is really good for challenging this way of life I have, which has stopped me from living my life and wanting to achieve goals,dreams, desires, etc.
Since you're in college, I'd recommend even making an appointment to see a counsellor. Don't feel that, by going to counselling, you are stopping somebody who has gone through worse , as counsellors don't look at it that way. They are there to help you, not to judge the gravity of your problem versus someone else's.

In the meantime, (before I just end up with a dissertation :pac:), Have a look at this website with regard to self esteem. (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47) I have found it bang on with regard to understanding self esteem and working towards building it. Along with counselling, I do think that you could build up your esteem and improve your quality of life. Of course, it's not going to happen overnight. But, with a bit of determination and an open mind, you can build self esteem.

If you need any advice or a friendly chat over this, I'm only a PM away. Best of luck!

cloud493

This thread makes me sad your all great people, from what I've seen. People are better for knowing you lot! Guess all I can say, is an ill founded confidence, that it doesn't last forever, and one day in ten years you'll look back at how you felt then, and know things can always get better.

SarahBeep!

Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. <3

cloud493

Physical scars don't heal. Is all il tell people.

Grindylow

So, yeah, I figured this was the most apt place for me to post this.. I don't even know why I'm posting it, I never say what's wrong with me, etc, I'm usually a bottler, but this has really been getting at me, to the extent that I can't even sleep any more. I figure if I actually put it out there, it might ease off all the thoughts in my mind.

As most people know, I dropped out of college and moved home. Probably the worst decision I've ever made, but I know it's for the best, but right now it just seems like a terrible idea. Back home, there's absolutely nothing for me. It just drags me down completely. I don't do anything, ever. And all my home friends have ditched me, my "old" best friends. They rarely if ever talk to me any more. Even the ones who live like two minutes away from me. I know it's probably my own fault because I moved away for college and they didn't, but I figured since I came home, we'd be friends and everything would be normal again, but it's not.

I really feel like a failure for dropping out too, and for not having a clue what I want to do in college next year. Everyone I know knows what they want to do and are already in college working their way towards it. But I've no interests at all (as sad as it sounds..). Like where I grew up is the middle of nowhere and my parents never did anything to help me grow an interest in something, so realistically, I know absolutely nothing about what I like/want to do.. All these things combined are just making me so unhappy now, and I'm actually afraid of how bad it's going to get before next September, if it's already this bad. I know it's probably nothing major compared to loads of the posts here, but I figured I needed to post it and hopefully it explains why I'm being so horrible and stuff on here lately. I don't mean to, it just happens. It's the same at home, I'm having terrible mood swings. I can't even tell any of this to anyone at home, because there's noone there to listen. No friends, I'm not close to my family, so basically C&H is the only place I can express this...

cloud493

Grindylow wrote: »

So, yeah, I figured this was the most apt place for me to post this.. I don't even know why I'm posting it, I never say what's wrong with me, etc, I'm usually a bottler, but this has really been getting at me, to the extent that I can't even sleep any more. I figure if I actually put it out there, it might ease off all the thoughts in my mind.

As most people know, I dropped out of college and moved home. Probably the worst decision I've ever made, but I know it's for the best, but right now it just seems like a terrible idea. Back home, there's absolutely nothing for me. It just drags me down completely. I don't do anything, ever. And all my home friends have ditched me, my "old" best friends. They rarely if ever talk to me any more. Even the ones who live like two minutes away from me. I know it's probably my own fault because I moved away for college and they didn't, but I figured since I came home, we'd be friends and everything would be normal again, but it's not.


I really feel like a failure for dropping out too, and for not having a clue what I want to do in college next year. Everyone I know knows what they want to do and are already in college working their way towards it. But I've no interests at all (as sad as it sounds..). Like where I grew up is the middle of nowhere and my parents never did anything to help me grow an interest in something, so realistically, I know absolutely nothing about what I like/want to do.. All these things combined are just making me so unhappy now, and I'm actually afraid of how bad it's going to get before next September, if it's already this bad. I know it's probably nothing major compared to loads of the posts here, but I figured I needed to post it and hopefully it explains why I'm being so horrible and stuff on here lately. I don't mean to, it just happens. It's the same at home, I'm having terrible mood swings. I can't even tell any of this to anyone at home, because there's noone there to listen. No friends, I'm not close to my family, so basically C&H is the only place I can express this...

Its good your choosing to vent But maybe you should tell someone how you're feeling?

djcervi

Grindylow wrote: »

I really feel like a failure for dropping out too, and for not having a clue what I want to do in college next year. Everyone I know knows what they want to do and are already in college working their way towards it. But I've no interests at all (as sad as it sounds..). Like where I grew up is the middle of nowhere and my parents never did anything to help me grow an interest in something, so realistically, I know absolutely nothing about what I like/want to do.

I can totally relate to what you said (in bold). Personally, I don't know myself very well. If you have read my other posts on this thread, I suffer with low self esteem. So, getting to know myself (identity wise, what I like/ dislike, what I value), is key to building it up. I have discussed this with my counsellor, and she recommended that I keep a thought diary. This can be a good way to getting to know yourself a lot better, by reflecting on each day. It's hard at first, but if you try it, it gets easier. Even if you write about what you watched on TV, computer games you play, etc, and you work out what you like about them, you are making progress. It might seem irrelevant, but you do have to start small and then build it up.

Also if there are any opportunities to work/volunteer, help out at home, new activities, learn new things, give them a chance. Even if you find you're not learning much from them, it should give you a sense of accomplishment (which can help change the belief that you are a failure, since you are putting your body and mind to use). Also if you don't like them, then you know what you don't like at least.

Grindylow wrote: »

All these things combined are just making me so unhappy now, and I'm actually afraid of how bad it's going to get before next September, if it's already this bad. I know it's probably nothing major compared to loads of the posts here, but I figured I needed to post it and hopefully it explains why I'm being so horrible and stuff on here lately. I don't mean to, it just happens. It's the same at home, I'm having terrible mood swings. I can't even tell any of this to anyone at home, because there's noone there to listen. No friends, I'm not close to my family, so basically C&H is the only place I can express this...

This being the case, I feel you could benefit from researching what there is out there. If you could meet people, that could be great especially when you're having a bad day and you feel a bit isolated. Coming from somebody who used to and kinda does 'bottle up' things, I feel this is important particularly if you feel you cannot talk to family and friends. If you need to vent, feel free to PM! Take it easy!

Lawliet

Grindylow wrote: »

All these things combined are just making me so unhappy now, and I'm actually afraid of how bad it's going to get before next September, if it's already this bad. I know it's probably nothing major compared to loads of the posts here, but I figured I needed to post it

I wish people wouldn't feel like their problems aren't that note worthy, or that they have to apologise for being upset over things. As far as I'm concerned if something is getting to you this much then it is major

Gi joe!

As a young male in today's Ireland I find it incredibly hard to open up about how I'm feeling to anyone, friends or family. Due to a history of mental illness in my family however, everyone is very tight knit and my parents have been wonderful when I eventually told them of my depression.

At the moment I'm struggling unfortunately. My self esteem is pretty low, I consider myself unattractive and lazy. I have a very pessimistic outlook on things in life and have been trying to change that, to no real effect. I've always been very sensitive to the point of over analyzing every thing I do or don't do.(Procrastiation is a big problem as a result!)

I have a worry that my depression is developing into being bipolar, as my moods have been swinging wildly on a daily basis. I go from euphoria to utter hopelessness within hours, and have been sobbing alot for no real reason. I've been going on and off my anti depressants as they're affecting my sleeping with disturbing dreams and nightmares.

For all the talk of increasing awareness of the importance of mental health in Ireland, I haven't seen any tangible results, especially with regards to the epidemic of male suicide. As compared to the many campaigns to lower road deaths. I know it's a difficult subject for most people, but its one that needs to be brought to light if we want to progess in this country. That archiac attitude of 'pulling yourself out of it, there are people way worse off than you'' is completely misinformed and needs to be stamped out.

Reading this thread has made me feel much better about the problems I'm facing, knowing that there's other people my age facing the same kinds of issues. Hope you all pull through. Your health really is your wealth, both physically aswell as mentally, and I await the day when the stigma surrounding mental illness is removed and can be discussed in everyday life.