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Have you ever had depression?
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I studied English too, so if you ever need a hand with stuff let me know! And I really do recommend joining a few clubs/socs (I think the socs day happened already, but if you email them or find them on facebook you'll be able to find out meeting times). They've helped me get to know so many people at college. It takes a while to get to know people at college, especially when you're doing subjects which have huge numbers of people in them. And I'm sure your housemates don't hate you at all
You seem like a really nice person! 0 -
Well I'd be kind of scared to join an athletics club in college because I could imagine that everyone in it would be already very good and I'd be the slow one lagging behind :P That Couch 2 5k does sound good though. Thanking you most kindly so sending me the link!
One of the best thing about clubs in college is that they really do take people of all levels. I've gone to club stuff just for the fun of it (not athletics though, dear god I'd die :pac:) and you can really take it as seriously as you like. There's a great mix of people in all the clubs, and now is really a great time to join, after Christmas and clubs day people seem to flock to training sessions so there should be loads of other new people!A couple of years ago when I was feeling low, I tried to tell my best friend but she just rolled her eyes and said something like "get over it". That's not a direct quote by the way I can't really remember because she mumbled it but that has kind of ever stopped me from complaining again. I feel like I should just get over it. However, apart from that one instance, she really is a very very good friend! I'm not mad at her or anything.
The awareness of depression and mental illnesses of any kind has really come on in the last few years. Even from just reading this thread, you can see that people are starting to ask how they should react to friends who confide in them about feeling down. I'm not condoning how your friend reacted, but I think that a few years ago people were nowhere near as aware/understanding of depression as they are now.
I'm sure that experience was disheartening but maybe you could think about seeing the college counsellors. I know quite a few people who have gone to talk to them, and they seem to be brilliant. You'd be amazed how many people feel the same way as you do in first year of college, even if they appear to be having a great time. Going to college is a huge change and I don't think it goes completely smoothly for anyone. Hope you feel better this semester 0 -
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Em, I'm sorry for posting here yet AGAIN. I feel like an idiot spamming up this place when there is much bigger issues to be discussed apart from me (and I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing). I just thought I should reply to those who posted again, for politeness sake and because I am really grateful! I'd like to clear a few things up too. In my first post here, I wrote that I could do well in school without really trying. Like I done ok, but nothing spectacular. I got in the mid-400's in my Leaving, which at the time of getting my results I was ecstatic! I was really worrying that I wouldn't get enough for arts in Galway so I was very happy. Also it was the second highest in the school and I was surprised because I didn't think I would do that well. I do realise however, that to many people that isn't great points, but in the context of the people I knew, I suppose, I thought it was good. But, yeah, in most things I am distinctively average or below!
Your Text Here wrote: »I studied English too, so if you ever need a hand with stuff let me know! And I really do recommend joining a few clubs/socs (I think the socs day happened already, but if you email them or find them on facebook you'll be able to find out meeting times). They've helped me get to know so many people at college. It takes a while to get to know people at college, especially when you're doing subjects which have huge numbers of people in them. And I'm sure your housemates don't hate you at all You seem like a really nice person!
Thank you again! Yeah the number in all of my subjects are like 600 or 700 (I had to pick all the really popular subjects of course!) and it was a bit of a shock from going to a school of less than 20 in the year to those huge lecture halls. But yeah I think I'll try to join something and force myself to go to it at least twice. Thanks for all your help
Thank you QueenOfLeon for taking the time to read and reply! Oh I know about my friend I don't blame her at all, I wasn't trying to make a dig but I just don't like talking about how I feel because of that time and I could imagine people would just tell me to grow up.QueenOfLeon wrote: »One of the best thing about clubs in college is that they really do take people of all levels. I've gone to club stuff just for the fun of it (not athletics though, dear god I'd die :pac:) and you can really take it as seriously as you like. There's a great mix of people in all the clubs, and now is really a great time to join, after Christmas and clubs day people seem to flock to training sessions so there should be loads of other new people!
The awareness of depression and mental illnesses of any kind has really come on in the last few years. Even from just reading this thread, you can see that people are starting to ask how they should react to friends who confide in them about feeling down. I'm not condoning how your friend reacted, but I think that a few years ago people were nowhere near as aware/understanding of depression as they are now.
I'm sure that experience was disheartening but maybe you could think about seeing the college counsellors. I know quite a few people who have gone to talk to them, and they seem to be brilliant. You'd be amazed how many people feel the same way as you do in first year of college, even if they appear to be having a great time. Going to college is a huge change and I don't think it goes completely smoothly for anyone. Hope you feel better this semester
About counselling, I don't know if I should go. Like I go from having very optimistic times to times when I just can't believe I was could have ever imagined myself as being good at things or what have you. But I don't know if how I feel is that serious. I don't want to waste professional time. I never self-harmed or anything like that. And when I do feel bad about myself when I'm with people I'm pretty good at disguising it and I can still join in on banter with them and that. But maybe if I find in a few weeks I'm having trouble again, I will seriously consider it. I suppose it will depend on the circumstance.
I agree with what you say about the attitude towards mental health improving. I seen even the older generation are very accepting of it and see it as nothing to be ashamed of, which is very encouraging.Tbh, while I'm better off than I was at the beginning of last semester, I still don't have any friends up here who I can call on whenever I like to do something like I do at home. I get on with my housemates quite well but we don't have a massive amount in common. I have made it to the point though where I don't feel obligated to go out every night and accept every invitation if I don't feel up to it. You don't have to be bubbliest, most talkative person in the world - nobody is like that with people they've just met! :P It's gonna be a different experience for everyone, with everyone having varying degrees of difficulty settling in. We all have different backgrounds and are, of course, unique!
While I don't know her at all, I'm sure your mother would be very interested in your well-being. Being worried for you is your parents' job, not yours. As QoL said, I'm sure your best friend didn't mean to hurt you - people's attitudes to these things have (thankfully) changed greatly over the last few years for the better. Mental health is slowly but surely achieving the same status of importance as physical health.
I'm like a broken record here, but thank you again! I know my mother would be concerned for me, but I just don't like to get her too worried, especially if I'm just over-reacting. I don't want to make her ashamed of me either. She expected me to fit in great at college, I suppose like everyone did. Friends from home and also my parent's friends always ask me and her how I'm getting on. Or they just say to me "Oh how are you getting on? You love it don't you? Oh I'd say you're out every night" and so on. It's just everyone expects me to be getting on fantastic because I'd be chatty enough and obviously I or my mother can't respond to those questions with "No, she actually doesn't really like it that much!" It is nice when people ask how I'm getting on though
All of yer advice has been really good! Sometimes when I write I can kind of come across in a tone I don't mean to so I hope I don't seem ungrateful.
Ok, I know I keep saying this but honestly I will stop over-taking this thread. It's really not fair or right. Writing how I'm feeling down though has been therapeutic. I never told anyone how I was feeling before and I usually keep up some kind of façade, so it was nice to be anonymous here (em, I hope I didn't give anyway too many details so people I know IRL know who I am now..) and not feel the need to lie and cover up what I'm saying. Thank you guys AGAIN. And I don't know what I could ever do but if anyone needs any help with anything then I will try my best to help in any way I can. 0 -
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Just say how it feels sounds lame, but just bung it down, and post it.
Too many people have stumbled across my account for me to feel entirely comfortable, anyways my insignificant problems are nothing compared to what you've all gone though, I'd only feel like I'm moaning and over reacting...0 -
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Too many people have stumbled across my account for me to feel entirely comfortable, anyways my insignificant problems are nothing compared to what you've all gone though, I'd only feel like I'm moaning and over reacting...
If you ever need to talk, you're more than welcome to PM me
Don't feel like you're moaning and over reacting, if things make you feel depressed, then they should be shared. Bottling it all up doesn't help, there's could be the weight of the world on your shoulders and it could get heavier the longer you leave it before talking about it. But if you talk about it and let it out (some way or another) you'll begin to feel better and better 0 -
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Just before the end of last year, I "came out" to my parents about my plans to work at becoming an illustrator/concept artist. Ugh, it seems like this is the only thing I ever discuss... it makes me feel sick of myself! Why can't I just do the things I want to do without finding everything such a struggle? Sorry for being a broken record, here. Anyway, this was a big step for me, because I was so afraid of my mum's reaction to it... she places a lot of value on the "social status" associated with jobs, so she would consider anything related to a career in art to be "second-class".
That sort of thing makes me really mad... that she could be so caught up in these arbitrary, pretentious ideas about prestige... all so she can boast to her friends, or feel good about herself vicariously, or whatever. Who cares about where the career a person chooses ranks in some apparently celestially-preordained, infuriatingly bullshifty hierarchy of nose-upturned-ness? If it's right for them, and something they feel motivated and inspired to work diligently at - then that's what matters and what should be admired. Plus, I just want to get into commercial art - it's not like I'll be trying to pawn watercolour landscapes on a street-side gallery for a living, it's something that can definitely keep you comfortably once you get a foothold... lots of people do it. In any case, it seems my fears about her reaction were justified.
She's been acting really snidely and strange ever since I told her. She sighs whenever she sees me working at drawings in my room, she regularly inquires about any of my friends who went on to do a Master's after finishing physics ("ohh, they must be VERY smart", she might say, having in the past insinuated that it takes no ability at all to do what I want to do), she came running over to me, arms flailing during Christmas phone-calls with my aunts and uncles in an attempt to censor my side of the conversation whenever it seemed like I was about to explain what I'm doing for the year, and she just generally acts in such a condescending, disapproving, pantomime unhappy way about all of it. What's worst is that she pretends she has absolutely no problems with what I'm doing when I confront her about it... so I can't even talk about it, and I'm constantly second-guessing her and my interpretations of her behaviour.
It's really disheartening... it's so hard to constantly be around someone who apparently thinks so little of you. I'm really happy with the decision I made, I think changing career paths and following something more creative like this suits me perfectly, and it's one of the best decisions I've made. I'm so glad I've made this choice. Her reaction is making it so hard, though, which is intensifying all the other worries that go along with it - like thoughts about having "wasted" five years studying something I enjoyed but knew I didn't want to do professionally (which was in a way an effort to make her happier about my current decision...), and my stresses about getting enough work done each day, and researching courses and jobs, and catching up for lost time, and so on.
So, while I'm generally in a much better point in my life, there are a lot of new difficulties to deal with. Many of the old ones have yet to go away, too... it seems you can't just turn them off so easily. I've still frequently been feeling overwhelmed with lethargy and numbness. It makes me feel incapable of doing anything, even if there's something I know I really want to do. It drains me of all enthusiasm and I end up doing nothing. It's particularly annoying because it can get in the way of the work I'm trying to do at the moment - I can sit down to do some drawing practice, but my head can be too full of anxious thoughts to concentrate on it properly or settle in for very long.
Some can be related to what I'm doing; "I'm not good enough"/"You'll never be quick-working, imaginative or talented enough for this"/"You're not trying hard enough, putting in enough hours or getting up early enough"/"You're a good five years behind the progress everyone else who's doing this will have made" - and others can be whatever else's swimming around in my mind; "All my friends seem to be moving away... I'm going to miss them"/"I'm an embarrassment to my mum, that's why she's been treating me so coldly... she doesn't approve of what I'm doing"/"My dad's being really supportive, even if I can't talk to him about the stuff with my mum. I hope I haven't let him down by not doing this stuff in the first place"/"I'm really, REALLY bad at socialising. Plus, I let down all my friends. I let our relationships slip away, I'm so bad at that... I feel so guilty, and lonely"/"I can hear the television from the other room... oh god, it's the news... the news is so depressing, I don't want to think about recession or whatever other nauseating issue they keep discussing over and over". I try to counteract these thoughts by thinking about how everybody has to start from somewhere, and I can only improve if I keep practising and don't give up, and that I'm entitled to be who I want to be, even if my mum doesn't understand it, and so on... but it's difficult, and a further distraction. I wish I didn't have all of these conflicting thoughts in my mind, and could just go about what I'm doing in an uninhibited way.
Also, I'm often having difficulty feeling my emotions. It's like I can sense that they should be there, or that maybe they are there - bubbling inaccessibly under the surface, but I can't experience them properly, and I can't properly enjoy the things I know I usually enjoy. They're so muted, or even absent, and it's very frustrating sometimes... which sounds stupid, because frustration is in itself an emotion! It's doesn't affect me all the time, but when it does it can feel like I'm laughing and smiling out of habit rather than because I actually feel something - I know I normally would, but at the time there's just... nothing.
I nearly wish there was some kind of label I could pin to all of this, or a diagnosable disease I could attribute it to - but it's so difficult when dealing with what I can't physically see. If I can't blame this possible invisible something, then I only have myself to blame for feeling so poor - and that's a lot harder to deal with... I don't want to be inherently listless, and lazy, and too anxious to follow through with the things I want to do. What would it mean if I have so much difficulty coping with my relatively cushy existence, but yet there's nothing wrong with me? So, I'd actually rather if it turned out that I'm depressed, but I don't know if I am! It's a tricky thing to quantify.
I've been discussing this sort of stuff with the psychologist I'm seeing, and he got me to read the symptoms of a number of depressive mood disorders to see if I related to any of them. He prefaced this by saying that he feels I probably don't have Major Depressive Disorder (clinical depression), but isn't certain about whether or not I have Dysthymia (which is a less intense, but more drawn out form of depression - it tends to last many years, making it tricky to identify because the person who has it can start to think it's just an aspect of their personality). The traits used to diagnose it are as follows:- During a majority of days for two years or more, the adult patient reports depressed mood or appears depressed to others for most of the day.
- When depressed, the patient has two or more of:
- Decreased or increased appetite
- Decreased or increased sleep
- Fatigue or low energy
- Reduced self-esteem
- Decreased concentration or problems making decisions
- Feels hopeless or pessimistic
- During this two-year period, the above symptoms are never absent longer than two consecutive months.
- During the first two years of this syndrome, the patient has not had a major depressive episode.
- The patient has not had any manic, hypomanic, or mixed episodes.
- The patient has never fulfilled criteria for cyclothymic disorder.
- The depression does not exist only as part of a chronic psychosis (such as schizophrenia or delusional disorder).
- The symptoms are often not directly caused by a medical illness or by substances, including drug abuse, or other medications.
- The symptoms may cause significant problems or distress in social, work, academic, or other major areas of life functioning.
At the time, I told him that I could identify with some of the symptoms, but having spent the past week thinking about it, I think I downplayed how strongly the symptoms resonated with me. I'm not sure why I did that...
I don't feel low all the time, and the severity is a bit changeable, but I'd say it's possible it affects me for more than half of the time - so, maybe #1 applies. I can relate with all of #2 - he told me that he's noticed no change in my weight since I started seeing him, but I've honestly found myself struggling not to overeat on some days, and other times being repulsed by food for ages. It's too erratic to be healthy. The rest of #2's sub-symptoms are all definitely there - my sleeping pattern is fragmented, my ability to focus has been terrible in recent years, and so on. #3-8 all apply, too. My psychologist felt that #9 is unlikely to apply to me - because I sought out therapy, and managed to get through college... but really, I struggled through my degree by the skin of my teeth. There were consecutive weeks where I skipped lectures so I could avoid interaction or anything that would make me think about how I was really feeling. There's also how I've been feeling so incredibly self-conscious, and inadequate, and awful much of the time I try socialising. And the feelings I'm grappling with lately are interfering with the work I want to be doing... so, surely it applies, too?
Given the responses I gave during the session, he was understandably reluctant to say whether or not the condition applies to me. He felt that he would have diagnosed me with it if he had met me a year earlier, but was unsure if he currently could, given that it seems like I've been improving and making important changes recently. We discussed the possibility of medication a bit - which is something I'm also confused about.
If I do have dysthymia - medication could help hugely, and could give me the boost I need to break out of these asphyxiating feelings. I might be able to better concentrate on my work, and I might start perceiving my emotions a lot more. It would probably ease the anxieties that are worrying me, and allow me to work at practising and improving without having so many preoccupying worries - which might eventually lead me to a happier point in my life where I would no longer need the medication's help. If I don't have dysthymia - it's also possible that medication could have the same helping effect anyway. On the other hand - what if I was prescribed medication that's wrong for me, and it disimproved things? What if I developed all kinds of side-effects or dependencies? It's also possible that meds would be unnecessary, wasting even more of my parents' money and making me feel even guiltier about changing career choices and being several more years away from financial self-sufficiency. What if medication would really help, but I decide against it because I'm too afraid of repercussions or of admitting that I might have a clinical mental health difficulty? I'd be making things so much harder for myself, and it'd take longer to get to the emotional, social, and career situations I want to be in. Gah, so many considerations to... er, consider.
I'm sorry this post turned out so gargantuan and monolithic! I'm not even sure where I'm going with it now, actually. I think I really needed to get my thoughts straightened out, and writing them down has helped. I don't have to make a decision about medication yet, I can think about it for as long as is necessary... but I don't know if I'll get any closer, as it is. I'm too confused, and have too many options to weigh up. I'm also confused regarding whether or not I am depressed - and what category of depression I'm affected by, if I am. As for the stuff with my mum, I don't think there's much I can do... I can't confront her about it, because she pretends that nothing's the matter at the first sign of conflict - either that or she gets upset, which makes me feel so guilty. I think I just have to do my best to continue with what I'm doing, and to try not to let her opinions affect my confidence too much. It's really hard, though, it hasn't been working so well for me so far, hmm. Er, I'd better stop writing now... I feel like I'm taking up room that other, more pressing concerns could occupy. Anyway, any advice would be hugely appreciated. 0 - During a majority of days for two years or more, the adult patient reports depressed mood or appears depressed to others for most of the day.
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Well its great you told your parents, and found something that you not only enjoy, but might be your future As for the various conditions you described... I haven't a clue. Its either gonna help, or not help really. But I'd get diagnosed properly first like. Then, start thinking 'how do I treat it then'
Talking to someone, specially someone professional is another good step in the right direction, and maybe again, talking someone about how to treat any condition you may have(don't stress about it if you don't know) and how to treat it, is another good step.
As for your mums disapproval of what you're doing... I know she's your mum. And your disposed to care about what she thinks, and all that. But, if your enjoying it, and their truly is a future in it... just do it like. Eventually, she'll come round. She wants what's best for you. She's just worrying that this, isn't. Eventually, she'll see it makes you happy, you can go somewhere, and she'll get it. Till then, just get on with it like. Don't care what anyone thinks
Good luck.0 -
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I didn't think it'd be so hardYour Text Here wrote: »*hug* It's really hard to pluck up the courage to say how you're feeling. Maybe you could write it down and give it to them? Have you told anyone else? No one really knows, some have suspected but not enough to ask about it, not people IRL anyways.
I went but it was for something physically wrong with me, I had it planned to mention it aswell but I don't know why I didn't felt it'd be like trying to get two GP visits outta oneWhy did you choose not to go?
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I didn't think it'd be so hard No one really knows, some have suspected but not enough to ask about it, not people IRL anyways.
I went but it was for something physically wrong with me, I had it planned to mention it aswell but I don't know why I didn't felt it'd be like trying to get two GP visits outta one
Well there's nothing wrong with a second visit Chances are, you'll be recommended to a counsellor, But that'll take a while, so its nothing to worry about. Small first step, but every little help and all that. 0 -
I didn't think it'd be so hardYour Text Here wrote: »*hug* It's really hard to pluck up the courage to say how you're feeling. Maybe you could write it down and give it to them? Have you told anyone else? No one really knows, some have suspected but not enough to ask about it, not people IRL anyways.
I went but it was for something physically wrong with me, I had it planned to mention it aswell but I don't know why I didn't felt it'd be like trying to get two GP visits outta oneWhy did you choose not to go?
You'd be surprised at what people will pick up without saying to you. First time I went to the doctor was just before my sixteenth birthday, and I mentioned it casually to my mam incase she would think 'ah it's just a phase, let her get on with it', but she surprised me by saying that she knew, had noticed and was worried. Once you get that first sentence out, the rest will follow, and you'll have the support of your mam - mine accompanied me to the doctor and told her side of things, and has basically been my backbone ever since. Doesn't necessarily have to be your mam, I was just using that as an example.0 -
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Been struggling quite badly recently :l Fran being here makes me a lot calmer, a lot more responsible in looking after myself. But we're not moving in together till July, and she's back to England on tuesday, so then the bad times are back
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