4yr old statement

Deliverance

I have good Access to my child as a father. She made this statement to me..."I could forget you", this disturbed me, at her age this makes sense, as a seperated parent I found this profound and hurtful but somewhat true in the seperated sense.

For such a small child to say this says to me that my child is more aware than she should be. I love her to bits but I found her statement to be a challenge towards my interaction with her i.e. if you don't do more then I will negate you.

She needs to be kicked into touch early on? Or do I need to do more as a seperated parent to make this little madam realise how good she actually has it?

Nevyn

Does she have a scrap book or mini photo album of doing things with you?
At that age this often helps, so that she can look through when she is not with you and remember. It could be that she is worried that she will forget you.

Deliverance

Thanks Thaedyal, that is another way of looking at it. I guess she is profound in her own little way. In that respect I think it would be good to have a lot more photos of the both of us together having fun.

smelltheglove

My daughter is 7 and keeps pictures of her daddy in the house. I know when she was at that ages she kept a picture of him by her bed. It might be an idea to make a little album up fpr her, include yourself and your family in it.

K-9

Ach, aren't 4 year olds cute!

I got this or similar, before I split with my sons Mam and after it.

I don't think it is particular to your situation though Single Parents, of both genders, torture ourselves that it is.

There is a fine line between them playing on having separated parents and them having issues with it.

Anyway, have you spoke to the Mam? I know it can be hard to speak to the ex in cases like this, but if you phrase it like "you need her help" you may get her feedback.

metrovelvet

Wow. Im kind of amazed. Its nearly an acknowledgement that she has already lost you. When you lose someone in death, for example,especially a parent, your next greatest fear is you forget them, because it compounds the loss, but to express that concern could be saying the loss has already happenned. That's amazing.

eviltwin

Probably its not a bad thing to talk to her mother and see if there are issues with you not being around that you might not be aware of.

But she is only 4. I can imagine it was not the nicest thing to hear but kids do say things that they don't mean.

I've lost count of the number of times my daughter told me she hated me/wished I was dead/felt neglected etc. It used to make me feel terrible. Of course now that she's matured a bit she tells me she didn't mean a word of it

Deliverance

metrovelvet wrote: »

Wow. Im kind of amazed. Its nearly an acknowledgement that she has already lost you. When you lose someone in death, for example,especially a parent, your next greatest fear is you forget them, because it compounds the loss, but to express that concern could be saying the loss has already happenned. That's amazing.

That is what I felt from this statement. It disturbed me in a way because a family member died young through Cancer at a similar age that I am at. In a way I think she has picked up on this.

It chilled me to the bone a bit, because at the time of the statement I felt that she was announcing... If you were dead I would forget you. It was a v.pratical statement and a chilling prediction and indeed a realisation. Coming from one so young it kind of scared me.

She is an interesting child and incredibly intuitive for her age. Her Mam and her siblings are incredibly intelligent, shockingly so!

Personally I am persistant and strive to learn none stop. My intelligence is based on dogged determination and experience. I love learning, but I am more of a creative designer type.

My little one is showing signs I think of realisation and learning that is a product of both of us. This type of intelligence needs guidance I think from both parents.

~me~

tbh she sounds like an intelligent child with a few worries. i dont think she meant to manipulate you into anything or anything like that.

she probably just realises that in her everyday life at her mums because you're not there she doesnt think of you until shes reminded physically or specifically, i.e. todays the day i go to daddys.

which is understandable cause at that age they're too busy learning and discovering things that they don't remember things that are the norm or that they're comfortable with, so in that sense it might be a good thing?? maybe?

just another perspective. it may not be the deep statement you
think it is. either way if it bothered you just talk to her. ask her if shes happy with you, if she'd like to do any specific activities that are just her and daddys time- maybe do some baking, something she doesn't do often (and also wont forget)- she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders so im sure she'll express her concerns, if any, if you just chat casually about it.

Deliverance

~me~ wrote: »

tbh she sounds like an intelligent child with a few worries. i dont think she meant to manipulate you into anything or anything like that.

she probably just realises that in her everyday life at her mums because you're not there she doesnt think of you until shes reminded physically or specifically, i.e. todays the day i go to daddys.

which is understandable cause at that age they're too busy learning and discovering things that they don't remember things that are the norm or that they're comfortable with, so in that sense it might be a good thing?? maybe?

just another perspective. it may not be the deep statement you
think it is. either way if it bothered you just talk to her. ask her if shes happy with you, if she'd like to do any specific activities that are just her and daddys time- maybe do some baking, something she doesn't do often (and also wont forget)- she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders so im sure she'll express her concerns, if any, if you just chat casually about it.

V.true. I actually think this is a light issue compared to what some parents have expressed or are indeed going through on this forum in a seperated sense. Thank you posters for the different perspectives put across. They are all valid and interesting and indeed have helped me think in different ways as such.

It is interesting that you mentioned baking, I do that with her due to a v.imaginative xmas present from a brother of mine i.e. a mini baking kit for kids. I must remember to thank him for that thoughtfulness. I love to cook and my little one loves to help out and learn as such.

we get on fantastically well. She is a diamond and I love her to bits. Sometimes the seperated thing is hard to bear and it does get to me (despite having good access).

At the same time I read other folks experiences here and count myself lucky to have such a good relationship with my ex and my daughter After the event of seperation.

As such I would hope to offer other people none patronising advice when said others might be in the early stages of seperation with kids involved. It is a v.hard process to go through, hardships, craziness, bitterness etc happens. I experienced pride, hurt, anger, depression, humiliation etc.

I spent 2 days clung to a couch staring at a wall after the initial seperation, I literally lay there, alone, not eating, speaking or anything, wondering what went wrong, at one stage I stopped thinking as well. I actually blanked out all feelings and just lay there looking at nothing for a couple of days.

I spent 2 whole days with no blankets or covers, i felt / was totally empty, I stayed as I fell on the couch after the seperation I just hit the couch and didn't move a muscle, staring at the wall and actually didn't move an inch, on hindsight I think I was in shock.

I got one abusive call from my ex screeching down the phone and spent half the night just listening to her 'abuse' and 'angst' of how she was now a single parent. I entertained this call because she was half cut at the time and I had concern for my child in the next room that she was with. This only happened the one time thankfully.

I eventually woke out of this shock state after 2 days and actually moved and kicked myself in the ass and thought to myself 'Get on with it', that is life you idiot.

At the end of it all, as an experience I chose to learn from it and chose to put my child first. I put her development and happiness first, financially and emotionally in every way. My time spent with her is amazing as a result she lights up my life.

It was a hard time. I got over it. Not an easy thing to do for any man.

To be frank I never thought that I would find my self in this situation from the outset. It worked out ok though. I certainly didn't plan for it that's for sure. I always had a picture of my kids happily running through cornfields towards me in the romantic sense with mum and dad rolling about with them. Certainly didn't work out that way for mum and dad, but my child is happy enough in the same sense, that at the moment is enough of a fantasy of happiness in her sense at least. In that respect a part of my fantasy is being realised i.e. her (my daughters happiness) and that is what counts the most to me.

She is one happy little one and she knows how much she is loved. That is what parenting is about seperated or otherwise in my opinion. Thanks for listening.

metrovelvet

I think there is deep wisdom in what she said. Life is about the creation of memory, it is part of our legacy, and what memories we leave them with when we are gone. We only want to leave behind the good stuff right? You sound like a great dad and didnt let the seeds of bitterness take root. Happy new year.