Mothers, parents, childminds, tell me if Im over reacting?

cowhands

I have a 1 year old baby girl and after 26 weeks maternity leave I returned to full time work and my daughter is cared for by a childminder in the minders home. The childminder is a mother of one herself and is very flexible and caring.

However, Im increasingly worried about how close she is getting to my daughter.There have been a number of instance but mainly when ever I go to collect my daughter from her house it takes a good while for the childminder to hand her over, Shes over the top cuddling and baby talking to my daughter saying "Oh do you have to go, can you not stay?"...
Another time I was dropping my daughter off and my daughter babbled "mama" she was in the childminders arms at that moment and my childminder turned around and said "did she just call me mama?" This really annoyed me.

But most recently I went to collect my daughter after work and she started crying (she hadnt slept for the child minder so was grumpy). The childminder scooped her out of my arms and cuddled and consoled her. I reached my arms out to take my daughter back but my request was ignored. The child minder then contined to sit down and comfort my child. I felt awful. I hadnt seen my child all day as I was working and here she was stopping me from doing what a mother should do.

My childminder also gives me "unwanted" advice on the littlest of things. Its like she underminds me as a mother (this is my first child).
I mean her house, family and life is not perfect, whos is right!?!What gives her the right to dish it out to me?

Am I being a bit jealous? Am I being petty? Should I just be happy that my child is well cared for and loved?I would dearly love to stay at home with my child everyday but I HAVE to work as we can not live on one wage.

Whats your opinions on the situation??Any advice?

eviltwin

IMO she's crossing a line. There is no need for prolonged goodbyes when you come to collect your daughter. As for the mama comment, thats just plain wrong.

Her job is to be your daughters minder in loco parentis...not to be mammy number 2 so you need to have a chat about the boundries you expect .

Otherwise I would be looking for another childminder

metrovelvet

I agree with ET. But you're the mother, you have set the boundaries. And you're her boss.

Khannie

Yeah +1 on that. You need to set the boundaries. I know you can feel less than confident on your first child but you're the boss here both of the child and the childminder. If she's holding onto your child then take her back. Etc.

Snowman123

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It must be very difficult.

I think she has completly crossed the line. She is not a second mother to your child - she is your employee! I would be devastated and would hit the roof.

She doesnt sound like a person you could explain this situation to, she sounds very OTT.

The fact that she undermines you wouldnt go un-noticed by the child. This will effect your relationship and I think you need to do something about it.

So to answer your question, no you are most definitly NOT over reacting!!!

Dades

Snowman123 wrote: »

She doesnt sound like a person you could explain this situation to, she sounds very OTT.

I agree with this, but think you really need to try, OP.

Explain to her your concerns - that your bond with your child is not growing as you would like it. Reassure the child minder that she is a great carer for your child but ask that she might encourage the child's relationship with you by maybe making an "event" of your return in the evening, or (for example) by showing her family photos of "mama" during the day.

Lastly, insist that when both of you are present, you alone are the care-giver.

smelltheglove

I'd be thinking opposite to be honest. I think it's great you have a minded that cares so much about your daughter. If your child minded has another child calling her mam in the house it's only understandable that your child will do the same. I've come across it a few times. I have a half brother and he started calling my dad dad as that's the only name he heard. I gave my dad a nickname then that I used whenever I took my brother to see him.

I lived with my mam when I had my first child and she called my mam mammy so I had to overdo nanny to get her out of it. When I was on honeymoon my youngest was calling my sister in law mam. Kids learn from their surroundings and if they notice someone is being called mam thet think that's the persons name.

It certainly isn't the minders fault your child called her mam, obviously you don't want it to stick so make an easy name ie. emma could be em or lisacould be lili and so on, ask your minder to help you with it by referring to herself by this name ie. come to lili.

With regards to the goodbyes you could explain to her that the prolonged goodbyes are confusing your child so you'd like to do it quickly to ease the stress then it won't hit her as an insult, but I wouldn't see this as a huge issue.

jimmyendless

Its not surprising that the child is starting to bond with the child minder since the child minder might be with the child more than the parent. At least the child isn't alienated there and does feel 'at home' there but the impact on the mother/child bond could be significant. The child minder should really try to make everything as simple for the child to know who mom is and make the collecting time as easy as possible by not drawing it out and respecting your rights as a mother.

For child minding to be the norm in order to run a normal household in this society is wrong really but that's where everyone has ended up. With regards to all of the country, I wonder how black and white these situations are? Could a smaller house, older car, no foreign holiday, lower standard of living, be compensated with staying at home with your children. Of course once you get into a certain situation in Ireland, there is no plan B due to negative equity etc and we could have made all those sacrifices already just to survive .

mia1

smelltheglove wrote: »

I'd be thinking opposite to be honest. I think it's great you have a minded that cares so much about your daughter. If your child minded has another child calling her mam in the house it's only understandable that your child will do the same. I've come across it a few times. I have a half brother and he started calling my dad dad as that's the only name he heard. I gave my dad a nickname then that I used whenever I took my brother to see him.

I lived with my mam when I had my first child and she called my mam mammy so I had to overdo nanny to get her out of it. When I was on honeymoon my youngest was calling my sister in law mam. Kids learn from their surroundings and if they notice someone is being called mam thet think that's the persons name.

It certainly isn't the minders fault your child called her mam, obviously you don't want it to stick so make an easy name ie. emma could be em or lisacould be lili and so on, ask your minder to help you with it by referring to herself by this name ie. come to lili.

With regards to the goodbyes you could explain to her that the prolonged goodbyes are confusing your child so you'd like to do it quickly to ease the stress then it won't hit her as an insult, but I wouldn't see this as a huge issue.

Maybe i misread the OP wrong but I think the child said Mama and the childminder assumed/suggested the child was referring to her and not the Mum. If this is the case OP I completely understand why you are feeling undermined/upset. I work with children and I find it a little weird to be honest that a childminder would even think that a child was calling them Mama especially when the parent is there, never mind to say it out loud to the parent!

In a way I think it's positive that the childminder and your daughter have such a close relationship but she does need to respect boundaries and at the moment she is definitely crossing them.

As others have said OP I think you should have a chat with her, maybe point out that it's reassuring to see a positive relationship between them but that you are the child's mother and that it is your place to comfort the child etc. when you are present.

pickarooney

That would piss me off no end and I would say it clearly and firmly to the childminder that while you appreciate the great job she's doing it's important for both you and your daughter that when the child needs attention and you're there, you are the one who will provide it.

As a matter of interest did she say "did she just call me mama?" in a jokey or proud way?

Ickle Magoo

cowhands wrote: »

The childminder scooped her out of my arms and cuddled and consoled her. I reached my arms out to take my daughter back but my request was ignored. The child minder then contined to sit down and comfort my child. I felt awful.

That would be a deal breaker for me. I have to be completely comfortable with the child carer and they have to work in tandem with me - not ahead of me or instead of me, with me. Scooping my child out of my arms to give their own special brand of affection and ignoring my asking for her back, I'd be looking for a new child minder - pronto. It sounds like very odd behaviour and I'd be really concerned at the lack of professionalism.

I can live with my kid calling the world and her dog "Mum" but to assume it is directed at them when I'm in the room is just bizarre, more red flags. Begging her not to go home with me, another bunch of red flags. I'm not sure what you mean by advice, if she's telling you things to help the transitions between home & minder then that's great - if it involves any other aspect of your or your daughters life then yet more flags go up.

Life is too short to worry about these things and I don't think it should be necessary to tell a child minder that lifting your child out of your arms to comfort them or asking "do they really have to go home, couldn't they stay" is crossing boundaries. Find someone else that knows basic professional boundaries within childcare already and you are comfortable to leave your child with. Best of luck.

deisemum

I second Ickle Magoo, too many red flags in this situation.

cowhands

Thanks guys for all the advise and input. She is a very good childminder in all areas eg promotes healthy eating, attends mother and toddler groups. play dates etc not to mention she is very reasonable with her rates and very very flexible with collection times. I dont want to come down as a hard nosed b*tch or seem jealous (I do get very guilty feelings over having to leave my child and work all day but it HAS to be done).
I am going to pick her up on the next time I feel undermind or she tries to take the mother role away from me, if she doesnt back off after that I think its time to look for another carer

LegacyUser

My mother minded a child since they were 6 months old. Because the parents had their own business and weren't around much, the child started to call my mother 'mam'. They would hear us call her that and would copy us. It was an only child. The child was loved like a sibling and a child by my mother and father and my brothers and sisters. They stayed with my mother and father until they were 18 and went out working. Even today they come to christenings, weddings, etc. as part of the family. The child's parents are so grateful as they understood that because they were away working so much, that the child had a 'surrogate' family of sorts with us. You couldn't pay for the care the child got.

I always thought that if I had my own children, I would love to find a childminder like my mother.

It's hard to see your child build a loving relationship with someone else, but you should focus on the fact that they are much loved. Try to explain your feelings to the lady in the nicest possible way and I'm sure that she will understand. She sounds lovely. A bit ott - but nicer than someone who just looks on the job as a money making scheme and not much else.

You should try to spend quality time with your child and ensure that what you can't do in quantity, you can do in quality and love.

Best of luck to you. It's so hard, I know.