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please explain someone

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  • 23-01-2010 8:49pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there,

    okay here it goes, I am a straight girl and I am falling for my male gay/bi friend (Confused.com)
    I have known him for several years, but we became close over the last year. He has a male partner at the moment, and they are on and off every other week..
    Anyway we spend almost 24/7 together, with work and socialising........it just happened that way.
    Now I know you all might say this is common, but not for me, I came out of a long term relationship last year, and I have a child, and I dont fall for someone easily at all.
    I am just getting so confused with all the mixed signals, he says to me that he is only experimenting, and wants to end up with a female, and get married and have kids the usual, and the on the hand he is living with a guy at the moment. He has been with both male and female over the years.
    Anyway we flirt constantly and he wants to be around me all the time, asking me to stay over and do things with him. I know he does love my friendship, but it is the comments and remarks that have me very confused.
    Last night we were up drinking and we were talking about sexuality and he said he doesnt believe anyone can be bi...they usually like one more than the other...so I said well then what about you, for as long as I have known him he says he likes both....and he said well im different...sometimes I think he says these things just to me, something tells me he may suspect I like him, and he is flirting and giving mixed signals on purpose, with no intension of backing it up..he is telling me I missed my chance etc....(I wasnt even aware I had a chance!!!!)
    I am so confused, can you like both???, can you want both???....Would really appreciate some advise. I am very depressed lately, and I feel I have to end the friendship, I will loose so much, our business, our friendship...
    I want those feelings to go, but they seem to be getting stronger...and its just purely I am attracted to him as a person, we are so alike its scary...

    advise please....


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    #2
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    Run, Run, Run, Run, Run. Simple as. This is a recipe for disaster and I think the only person who will get hurt in this is you. I'm sorry but do you really think this can go anywhere...and do you really want it to...really?

    For a start I've seen this happen before. Straight females developing strong feelings for their gay bff. It's the major caveat that comes with getting yourself a fag hag...which I'm 99.9% sure is what you are to him.

    I don't want to cast aspersions on you and your situation...but are you sure this is not a case of someone being there for you during a tough time of you life...and as a result you have become very close and are now getting confused about how you feel!? I've had female friends before who I have loved being around...and loved spending time with...and I guess I would think...maybe If I was straight this could be something, but I'm not and I know that if I was straight, this relationship would not be what it is.

    I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you not to act on this. Ever. Even if your friend does start something with you, maybe get up on you once of twice, I seriously doubt (99.9% sure) that this mate is ever going to leave his current partner, leave the gay lifestyle behind and shack up shop with you and you're kid.

    Your best bit is to get some distance. If you spend too much time together you're never going to get perspective on this. Some time apart will help you establish what you really feel for this guy, maybe you will realise that you don't really feel for him in the relationship way you expressed. Also I'd suggest you get your glad rags on and get out and meet some actual potential partners.


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    #3
    Sorry
    Closed Accounts Posts: 108 ✭✭Sorry


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    I know there will be some bi-sexual people here who are going to kill me for saying this but from my life experience... if a guy sucks dick...he's gay. Period. And there ain't no amount of coochie that can keep his mind off men. And you deseve better.

    Tired of this absolute nonsense. Give it a rest.


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    #4
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    Sorry wrote: »
    Tired of this absolute nonsense. Give it a rest.

    I've removed it. It was a poor way of expressing my point. In fact, I'm not sure what I was trying to say. I think what I meant to say was that .... upon my reading was that the guy was making light of his gay side indicating that he could someday just forget about it...a hope I feel the OP was clinging to....but all I wanted to say is that if he wants to have male on male fun now, I believe he always...and I felt he wasnt being honest about this. Ergo the OP deserves better.

    Apologies.


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    #5
    Tricity Bendix
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,510 ✭✭✭Tricity Bendix


    OP: The guy is in a relationship. Whatever you think of the suitability of his partner, or the merits of their relationship, he is off limits. It could be he's using you as a back-up (guys do this) or as an easy rebound if things don't work out with his partner, but if you have any pride in yourself you shouldn't let him do that to you. I'd have to agree with the above and say keep your distance. You don't have to stop working and being sociable, but steer it away from flirtatious and overly-familiar talk.

    Of course, he could just be a friendly guy that is completely oblivious to the feelings you're developing. But the prescription is the same.


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    #6
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    I removed it and apologised. That's all I can do.


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    #7
    Boston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    butterfly1910 wrote: »
    Hi there,

    okay here it goes, I am a straight girl and I am falling for my male gay/bi friend (Confused.com)
    I have known him for several years, but we became close over the last year. He has a male partner at the moment, and they are on and off every other week..
    Anyway we spend almost 24/7 together, with work and socialising........it just happened that way.
    Now I know you all might say this is common, but not for me, I came out of a long term relationship last year, and I have a child, and I dont fall for someone easily at all.
    I am just getting so confused with all the mixed signals, he says to me that he is only experimenting, and wants to end up with a female, and get married and have kids the usual, and the on the hand he is living with a guy at the moment. He has been with both male and female over the years.
    Anyway we flirt constantly and he wants to be around me all the time, asking me to stay over and do things with him. I know he does love my friendship, but it is the comments and remarks that have me very confused.
    Last night we were up drinking and we were talking about sexuality and he said he doesnt believe anyone can be bi...they usually like one more than the other...so I said well then what about you, for as long as I have known him he says he likes both....and he said well im different...sometimes I think he says these things just to me, something tells me he may suspect I like him, and he is flirting and giving mixed signals on purpose, with no intension of backing it up..he is telling me I missed my chance etc....(I wasnt even aware I had a chance!!!!)
    I am so confused, can you like both???, can you want both???....Would really appreciate some advise. I am very depressed lately, and I feel I have to end the friendship, I will loose so much, our business, our friendship...
    I want those feelings to go, but they seem to be getting stronger...and its just purely I am attracted to him as a person, we are so alike its scary...

    advise please....


    Sounds like this chap has a poor understanding of bi-sexuality. You do not need to be equally attracted to both genders to be bi-sexual. I'm not even sure how one would measure that accurately. I started a thread here some years ago outlining what I feel constitute bi-sexuality. I think it may help you in understanding of the situation. The short answer is sexuality isn't rigidly fixed. Most people will experience minor fluctuation in their sexual preferences, while some will fluctuate dramatically over time. During periods of being single I notice the opposite sex a lot more then when I'm in a relationship with another man. From talking to other bi-sexuals, this is common.

    You mentioned that he often talks about wanting to end up with a woman, have a family and kids. It's possible that's a misinterpretation by one or both of you of his actual desires. I accept that he probably wants a hetronomitive lifestyle with kids and a stable family relationship but he may merely see a woman as the means to obtaining that lifestyle rather then feel any true desire to make a life with that woman. You mentioned you have a child, perhaps the attraction is that you offer a ready made family complete with son to him. Stranger things have happened.

    But what about your own motivations and feelings in all this, can you truly trust them? It is possible that only reason you're attracted to him is because he's your safe gay best friend. The attraction may completely disappear if he became a potential partner, or father to you child. You need to take a good long look at why you have these feelings before making a move either way on them.
    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    Run, Run, Run, Run, Run. Simple as. This is a recipe for disaster and I think the only person who will get hurt in this is you. I'm sorry but do you really think this can go anywhere...and do you really want it to...really?

    For a start I've seen this happen before. Straight females developing strong feelings for their gay bff. It's the major caveat that comes with getting yourself a fag hag...which I'm 99.9% sure is what you are to him.

    How incredibly crude.
    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you not to act on this. Ever. Even if your friend does start something with you, maybe get up on you once of twice, I seriously doubt (99.9% sure) that this mate is ever going to leave his current partner, leave the gay lifestyle behind and shack up shop with you and you're kid.

    The "gay lifestyle" isn't all that alluring, especially after a few years of it. Nobody can even agree on a definition of the gay lifestyle anyway, but most will throw in plenty of negatives in their definition. You assume he's going to go from party animal to responsible adult over night. Maybe he's been looking to settle down for some time.


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    #8
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    Not being crude, just not going to sugar coat it. The op's heart is one the line, I'm calling it as I see it.

    Boston, What I meant by lifestyle was the practice of having sex with other gay men. Nothing more, nothing less. I never mentioned anything about being a party animal or settling down. As far as I know he is already settled with his bf. You are projecting your own interpretation of terms on to my words.

    I want to be straight up with the op here. I think he is messing with her head.


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    #9
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    butterfly1910 wrote: »
    I am just getting so confused with all the mixed signals, he says to me that he is only experimenting, and wants to end up with a female, and get married and have kids the usual,

    ...

    Last night we were up drinking and we were talking about sexuality and he said he doesnt believe anyone can be bi...they usually like one more than the other...so I said well then what about you, for as long as I have known him he says he likes both....and he said well im different...

    I think these are the two major red flags. Firstly, how old is he? Is he really having an entire relationship as "an experiment"? What about the guy he's experimenting on, does he even know this?

    Guys who say that "some day" they want to not date men any more and have a wife and kids are often confusing the desire for a nuclear family with being sexually attracted to a woman. You obviously can't just marry a woman for the 2.4 kids, you have to love and be sexually attracted to her. I'm bi and I can't say that's how things are going to go, it's merely one possibility.

    Secondly, the contradiction there is astounding. "Nobody can be bi... oh, but I am." Anybody who's really bi is constantly reminded just how possible it is. If he's genuinely doubting its existence over a long period of time, then perhaps his own feelings have changed and he's judging the rest of the world based on that. Either way, he sounds like a very confused guy.

    From the way you describe him, it honestly just sounds like heartbreak waiting to happen. He does not sound comfortable with his sexuality at all.


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    #10
    Boston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    Not being crude, just not going to sugar coat it. The op's heart is one the line, I'm calling it as I see it.


    Referring to someone as a fag hag is extremely crude, even offensive. I've a few really decent female friends, they are as much friends of mine as my male friends. I would never think of them as fag hags, I would hate to think that the only reason they like me is due to my sexuality. A gay mans female friend is not automatically a "fag hag".
    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    Boston, What I meant by lifestyle was the practice of having sex with other gay men. Nothing more, nothing less. I never mentioned anything about being a party animal or settling down. As far as I know he is already settled with his bf. You are projecting your own interpretation of terms on to my words.

    The poster indicated he has an unstable, off again on again, relationship. Most LGB people would not consider sexuality as part of the lifestyle since lifestyle has connotations of choice and sexuality doesn't. Having sex with men isn't part of the "lifestyle", having sex with many men or drinking cosmo while critising the lesbians for wearing flannel maybe consider part of the lifestyle by some.
    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    I want to be straight up with the op here. I think he is messing with her head.

    Such is the nature of romance, our heads get bamboozled and our heart strings get pulled. The question is whether or not he's playing games.


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    #11
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    You seem enjoy playing with semantics for the sake of it Boston.

    The girl is str8, admittedly spends a lot of time with her bi friend. Therefore she's a fag hag. In my mind there are no negative connotations, it's simply a phrase to describe a woman who is bff with a gay and/or bi guy. Take from It what you will.

    Either way...the tread title is...please explain....and explain I have.


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    #12
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,062 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    You seem enjoy playing with semantics for the sake of it Boston.

    The girl is str8, admittedly spends a lot of time with her bi friend. Therefore she's a fag hag. In my mind there are no negative connotations, it's simply a phrase to describe a woman who is bff with a gay and/or bi guy. Take from It what you will.

    Either way...the tread title is...please explain....and explain I have.

    Eh - some people do actually find the term fag hag offensive so in your mind there may be no negative connotations but other people do see negative connotations with it

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #13
    Boston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    You seem enjoy playing with semantics for the sake of it Boston.

    The girl is str8, admittedly spends a lot of time with her bi friend. Therefore she's a fag hag. In my mind there are no negative connotations, it's simply a phrase to describe a woman who is bff with a gay and/or bi guy. Take from It what you will.

    Either way...the tread title is...please explain....and explain I have.

    Apply the same logic to the term ****** and see how far this weak rationalisation gets you.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    Run, Run, Run, Run, Run. Simple as. This is a recipe for disaster and I think the only person who will get hurt in this is you. I'm sorry but do you really think this can go anywhere...and do you really want it to...really?

    For a start I've seen this happen before. Straight females developing strong feelings for their gay bff. It's the major caveat that comes with getting yourself a fag hag...which I'm 99.9% sure is what you are to him.

    I don't want to cast aspersions on you and your situation...but are you sure this is not a case of someone being there for you during a tough time of you life...and as a result you have become very close and are now getting confused about how you feel!? I've had female friends before who I have loved being around...and loved spending time with...and I guess I would think...maybe If I was straight this could be something, but I'm not and I know that if I was straight, this relationship would not be what it is.

    I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you not to act on this. Ever. Even if your friend does start something with you, maybe get up on you once of twice, I seriously doubt (99.9% sure) that this mate is ever going to leave his current partner, leave the gay lifestyle behind and shack up shop with you and you're kid.

    Your best bit is to get some distance. If you spend too much time together you're never going to get perspective on this. Some time apart will help you establish what you really feel for this guy, maybe you will realise that you don't really feel for him in the relationship way you expressed. Also I'd suggest you get your glad rags on and get out and meet some actual potential partners.

    Hi there,

    Let me start by saying I am not a faghag, we are good friends. I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, even if it hurts to hear it...but thats why I posted.
    I reaslise as I said before, you probably all think its just a typical situation, a girl fallin for her gay friend, but I really dont feel its like this at all, and I dont feel like its a safe option at all. I havent felt so strongly about someone like this in years...
    On another point I am not looking for this bloke to shack up with me and my kid at all, I am very careful about my feelings and would not bring another male into my daughters life until I was 100%...
    I just want you to know our relationship is a business partnership which I have invested time and money, and I dont want that to suffer, anything outside of that is initiated by him.. He sends so many mixed signals, which is why I am so confused. He texts and rings me everyday, and wants to meet up. By the way before I forget to mention this the guy is in his late twenties, I know someone asked that.
    I have been thinking all weekend, and not made any contact with him as hard as it was. And I really think he is gay, he is with a guy and living with a guy, and I think him wanting to get married is wishful thinking on his part, I think he is very confused. But I hate the fact he is saying these things to me, he makes comments like oh I so want you, I will marry you....etc etc...and lots of other things like he is testing me....for what I do not know or why!!!!!

    I have made a decision in my head to try and remain friends for the work relationship, but keep it there...I know this is going to be very hard....I will look for his bad points :-0
    I was so close saying it to him a while back, and I am so soooo glad I did not now, I think I now know what the answer would have been....but I still wish I could just f*** him and get it over with...I know that wont happen...

    Anyway thanks for the advise and opinions guy, they help a lot...keep them coming..


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    #15
    Roro4Brit
    Registered Users Posts: 595 ✭✭✭Roro4Brit


    butterfly2310 wrote: »
    Hi there,

    Let me start by saying I am not a faghag, we are good friends. I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, even if it hurts to hear it...but thats why I posted.


    Hi Butterfly, I'm sorry all I meant by faghag was that you were a chick with a gay best friend...I didn't even realise it meant anything other than that to be honest :o

    I'm really glad that you've decided not to go for it. I think you would only end up with a broken heart, one way or another. After a while, I'm sure you will get used to not seeing each other as much. Anyhow in general I think it's never healthy for two friends to live in each others pockets, I don't think it can be sustained in the long run. Maybe some distance will let you see him in a different light.

    I know people say this all the time, and when you're in the situation it means nothing, but someday you will meet someone who is really in to you and not playing games, and you'll look back and be like.....cringe, I can't believe I used to have feelings for my gay/bi best friend :D


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Roro4Brit wrote: »
    Hi Butterfly, I'm sorry all I meant by faghag was that you were a chick with a gay best friend...I didn't even realise it meant anything other than that to be honest :o

    I'm really glad that you've decided not to go for it. I think you would only end up with a broken heart, one way or another. After a while, I'm sure you will get used to not seeing each other as much. Anyhow in general I think it's never healthy for two friends to live in each others pockets, I don't think it can be sustained in the long run. Maybe some distance will let you see him in a different light.

    I know people say this all the time, and when you're in the situation it means nothing, but someday you will meet someone who is really in to you and not playing games, and you'll look back and be like.....cringe, I can't believe I used to have feelings for my gay/bi best friend :D

    hi there,

    dont worry I wasnt offended by what you said, you were just honest...
    and I know in the long run it is for the best, I dont want to hurt him either. I saw him today, and he was very distant, then he finally said did I do something on you?...as I havent heard from you, and I just said it was just the weekend, I had loads to do, and a while later we were fine again. He is having a hard time with his partner and money at present, so I wanta be a friend to...I am sure slowly those feelings I have will go away, even today, I felt I was seeing him differently, I am very good at hiding and switiching off my feelings, I am really proud and hate someone knowing I like them, I guess I am old fashioned, the guy makes the first move....and I think I would be a long time waiting in this case....LOL

    Anyway heres hoping I meet the right guy..I will keep yous posted...


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well I am back in the same situation again...and it is a mess....
    I was doing great there for a while, and I have stayed away as much as I could from this guy...
    Now I continued to work with him, as I invested time and money and wasnt about to give that up....

    Anyway the more I was backing away from him the more he wanted to spend time with me, and always asking why dont you want to do x y or z with me....and I just kept making excuses which he bought.
    So we went out a few weeks ago to a night club, including his partner...and we were having a great night, I even met a guy...anyway then him and his partner start fighting, and he asked me to come home with them and have a few more drinks, so I did, and then they had a major physical fight, that I got in the middle off...it was a horrible night. Anway he was suppose to break up with him, but they are still in the same place, he says it is due to financial reasons etc.
    Right so for the last two weeks or so, he has been sending me strange text...I got a text out of the blue one night, saying I love you so much...and we were not even texting each other...and then kept making reference to the guy I met in the club, as if he was jealous...and a friend of mine who was with us at the nightclub said he was pissed off when I was with that guy. I said to him a few days later why didnt you dance with me when we were out, and he made a smart comment about me to busy with that guy...and then he said, and I dont want you to think I like you, and we shouldnt get drunk around each other incase we forget we are friends????? where did that come from???
    Then because I wont meet him, he keeps asking why, and making comments like I miss you...and he isnt that type of bloke...
    Then on valentines he asked me to go out with him, and I said I was going for dinner with the father of my child, we are still great friends, and he was like....why are you going with him....suit yourself then....he wasnt one bit impressed....

    sorry for the mad rant...what I guess I want to know is, does this guy like me, why is he sending me such mixed signals now....he is with a guy....and I dont know what to do or say anymore....
    A close friend gave me her opinion and they said that basically they think he really likes me, but isnt comfortable with the fact they do, as he is with a guy etc...and thats why he sends those texts to test me...and then makes a joke about it...

    My head is so wrecked, I was finally moving on in my head...but I keep going backwards....I think as much as it will hurt, I will have to break away completely...

    Please do not think I am wishing and hoping for anything, this is actual facts I am writing, and all intiated by him....

    what is he playing at???

    advise asap....PLEASE


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    #18
    stephen_n
    Registered Users Posts: 12,920 ✭✭✭✭stephen_n


    butterfly2211 wrote: »
    Well I am back in the same situation again...and it is a mess....
    I was doing great there for a while, and I have stayed away as much as I could from this guy...
    Now I continued to work with him, as I invested time and money and wasnt about to give that up....

    Anyway the more I was backing away from him the more he wanted to spend time with me, and always asking why dont you want to do x y or z with me....and I just kept making excuses which he bought.
    So we went out a few weeks ago to a night club, including his partner...and we were having a great night, I even met a guy...anyway then him and his partner start fighting, and he asked me to come home with them and have a few more drinks, so I did, and then they had a major physical fight, that I got in the middle off...it was a horrible night. Anway he was suppose to break up with him, but they are still in the same place, he says it is due to financial reasons etc.
    Right so for the last two weeks or so, he has been sending me strange text...I got a text out of the blue one night, saying I love you so much...and we were not even texting each other...and then kept making reference to the guy I met in the club, as if he was jealous...and a friend of mine who was with us at the nightclub said he was pissed off when I was with that guy. I said to him a few days later why didnt you dance with me when we were out, and he made a smart comment about me to busy with that guy...and then he said, and I dont want you to think I like you, and we shouldnt get drunk around each other incase we forget we are friends????? where did that come from???
    Then because I wont meet him, he keeps asking why, and making comments like I miss you...and he isnt that type of bloke...
    Then on valentines he asked me to go out with him, and I said I was going for dinner with the father of my child, we are still great friends, and he was like....why are you going with him....suit yourself then....he wasnt one bit impressed....

    sorry for the mad rant...what I guess I want to know is, does this guy like me, why is he sending me such mixed signals now....he is with a guy....and I dont know what to do or say anymore....
    A close friend gave me her opinion and they said that basically they think he really likes me, but isnt comfortable with the fact they do, as he is with a guy etc...and thats why he sends those texts to test me...and then makes a joke about it...

    My head is so wrecked, I was finally moving on in my head...but I keep going backwards....I think as much as it will hurt, I will have to break away completely...

    Please do not think I am wishing and hoping for anything, this is actual facts I am writing, and all intiated by him....

    what is he playing at???

    advise asap....PLEASE

    Seems to me that sexuality is not the issue here, he seems to be the sort of guy who wants his cake and wants to eat it to. The reality of the situation is, he is in a relationship with someone that he doesn't want to let go of, for whatever reason and from what you have said he has no doubt you have feelings for him. He is trying to fill in the missing pieces of his relationship and using you to do it. This is incredibly selfish on his part, but in the end of the day, you not him are at fault for this. You need to define clear boundaries for your relationship/friendship with him, make a decision about your ability to let go or not let go of any hopes of there being more to it and move forward from there. You need to put your needs first and stop allowing his confusion or lack of it to cloud your vision. If you are willing to put yourself first this will resolve itself one way or the other!


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    #19
    azezil
    Registered Users Posts: 11,397 ✭✭✭✭azezil


    +1 to Stephen_n's analysis.

    Also your friend sounds like a bitchy little queen who just wants you for himself, he's using you to bolster his own ego. He knows you fancy him and he uses you to fill the loveless void in his current relationship. He's a paracite, I say cut him off, you'll be better off for it.


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    #20
    Aard
    Registered Users Posts: 4,905 ✭✭✭Aard


    So much drama! How can you stick it?! Let him go. You're the one who will end up getting hurt. Move on and try to find somebody less high-maintenance.


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    #21
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    I totally agree with the last three comments.

    Some people just need drama in their lives for attentions sake.
    People like that can be horribly draining and at some point they need it pointed out to them.
    If they can't take the criticism on board, you just have to walk away for your own sanity.


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    #22
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    It really sounds like he's just using you. He saw you moving away and got possessive. I wouldn't be surprised if the random outbursts of affection are just desperate attempts to reel you back in and keep you on the hook.

    Even if in the unlikely scenario he suddenly wanted to be in a relationship with you, are you sure you'd want to deal with his ridiculous behaviour? Someone who has such difficulty just being honest and treating people with respect...


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thank you all for you advise...I know you are all right in what you are saying, and I found out today for sure...
    basically texts where going back and forth, and he asked me was I a little annoyed at him for something, I just said a little, but forget it...
    he then pushed and pushed and I gave in, now I didnt confess my love for him or anything, I simply said, yes I like you, you know it, and why are you testing me and playing games etc..
    He admited he was jealous when I was with other people, but the jealously was more of a friendship thing???? that is a joke, since when do you get jealous of a friend going out and doing stuff with other people...Anyway he then played the gay card, saying you know I am gay ect, and if I was straight things would be different...bla bla bla...
    I was fuming, and just told him to get over himself, and keep this to himself, he got very defensive and said he did not realise he was doing it, and it wasnt his intention to do it...and forget it, and I just said I am staying away from you, and he just resonded with thats your choice...
    I never felt more crap in my life, I cant believe I let myself fall for him, I am so angry, and it is not as if I cant get a guy, I just waisted to much time on him..

    I told my friend everything today, and she said he is obsessed with me, and knew exactly what he was doing with no intention of backin it up....

    I am so done, I will be no ones back up, nor used by anyone..I am just so sad that our friendship will be over, as we got on so good, and made each other laugh all day long..I am going to miss it...

    Oh I hope all this goes away soon, and I can move on and forget everything..

    again thx all...wish me luck...


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    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stephen_n wrote: »
    Seems to me that sexuality is not the issue here, he seems to be the sort of guy who wants his cake and wants to eat it to. The reality of the situation is, he is in a relationship with someone that he doesn't want to let go of, for whatever reason and from what you have said he has no doubt you have feelings for him. He is trying to fill in the missing pieces of his relationship and using you to do it. This is incredibly selfish on his part, but in the end of the day, you not him are at fault for this. You need to define clear boundaries for your relationship/friendship with him, make a decision about your ability to let go or not let go of any hopes of there being more to it and move forward from there. You need to put your needs first and stop allowing his confusion or lack of it to cloud your vision. If you are willing to put yourself first this will resolve itself one way or the other!

    Hi there, really appreciate your advise, it makes a lot of sense..just wondering did you every know anyone in this situation? is it possible from your knowledge to change sexual preference if you fall for someone??


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    #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tell him how you feel and see what he says. then you know one way or another.
    im a bi guy and was in the same situation before.
    my best friend told me she liked me. we ended up dating for two years, we broke up in the end but we're still great friends now.
    if u dont take a chance, you'll never know, and youll always wonder what could have been.


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    #26
    stephen_n
    Registered Users Posts: 12,920 ✭✭✭✭stephen_n


    butterfly2253 wrote: »
    Hi there, really appreciate your advise, it makes a lot of sense..just wondering did you every know anyone in this situation? is it possible from your knowledge to change sexual preference if you fall for someone??

    I suppose that's different for everyone as attraction is a very personal thing. I'm Bi and I'm attracted to people their sex is irrelevant, I don't get the feeling from what you said that was the same for your friend, he just seemed to be struggling to accept the fact that he is gay, but that does not give him the right to treat you like he did. I have seen people do what he did i.e. use you to try and fill the gap in his life and his relationship but that has nothing to do with orientation it's just an observation of the way people are.

    Anyway I hope you find someone that is prepared to treat you decently, think we all deserve that!


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    #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there,

    I did say how I felt to him the other day, see my post above, and he told me he didnt feel the same...so I did it. He felt a lot for me, but his feelings were not going anywhere...that is what he said....we almost fell out, but we seem to be getting back on track, and I am happy I said it, I can move on now...
    pipipier wrote: »
    Tell him how you feel and see what he says. then you know one way or another.
    im a bi guy and was in the same situation before.
    my best friend told me she liked me. we ended up dating for two years, we broke up in the end but we're still great friends now.
    if u dont take a chance, you'll never know, and youll always wonder what could have been.


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    #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there, yes I think what you said is right, I really dont think he is BI at all, he just cant except he is gay....its such a shame for him....I do want him to be happy....

    Anyway thx for your advise....
    stephen_n wrote: »
    I suppose that's different for everyone as attraction is a very personal thing. I'm Bi and I'm attracted to people their sex is irrelevant, I don't get the feeling from what you said that was the same for your friend, he just seemed to be struggling to accept the fact that he is gay, but that does not give him the right to treat you like he did. I have seen people do what he did i.e. use you to try and fill the gap in his life and his relationship but that has nothing to do with orientation it's just an observation of the way people are.

    Anyway I hope you find someone that is prepared to treat you decently, think we all deserve that!


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    #29
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry for posting again. Just feeling really down, things have not been the same. And he met someone the weekend, who he is texting etc...and it hurts...I know it shouldnt but it does.
    Our conversations either face to face or text are very straight to the point, and more about the business than anything.
    Somehow I think he didnt know I liked him in that way at all, and is now affriad to say or do anything...

    I just want these feelings to go...cant believe it went this way. Feel like I ruined everything we had...I loved hanging out with him and did it all the time, I feel just lost now.

    Anyway sorry for the rant...had to get it out...


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    #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there,

    can I ask you something please, are you attracted to male and female equally would you say??

    the guy in question here has been with lots of women, and in the last few years just men, but constatly says he may be with a women again...

    Just looking for some feedback from someone is is actually bi?

    thx
    stephen_n wrote: »
    I suppose that's different for everyone as attraction is a very personal thing. I'm Bi and I'm attracted to people their sex is irrelevant, I don't get the feeling from what you said that was the same for your friend, he just seemed to be struggling to accept the fact that he is gay, but that does not give him the right to treat you like he did. I have seen people do what he did i.e. use you to try and fill the gap in his life and his relationship but that has nothing to do with orientation it's just an observation of the way people are.

    Anyway I hope you find someone that is prepared to treat you decently, think we all deserve that!


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    #31
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there,

    I hope you dont think I am rude, I was just wondering are you more attracted to male or females? I am just curious how bi sexuality works, I am sure it is up to the indivdual. I guess why I am asking, is the male in question on this thread, claims to be bi, and has been with several women, but that seems to be several years ago, and has been with guys for the last few years...

    thx in advance..
    stephen_n wrote: »
    I suppose that's different for everyone as attraction is a very personal thing. I'm Bi and I'm attracted to people their sex is irrelevant, I don't get the feeling from what you said that was the same for your friend, he just seemed to be struggling to accept the fact that he is gay, but that does not give him the right to treat you like he did. I have seen people do what he did i.e. use you to try and fill the gap in his life and his relationship but that has nothing to do with orientation it's just an observation of the way people are.

    Anyway I hope you find someone that is prepared to treat you decently, think we all deserve that!


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