Unplanned and Messy Situation Pregnancy

Econoline Van

Dear all,

I'm a male, late 20s, who has just been told by a girl who he had a one-night stand with last month that she is now pregnant and it's definitely mine.
She lives 80km away and being honest I don't see any chance of a relationship between us.
Obviously, a million things are going through my mind. I'm not financially secure at the moment as I'm studying. She has no family in this country. One of us would have to move or else weekends would be the only time I could see the child....
Adoption, termination, just sending money and not being part of it, moving and playing as full a part as possible....all seem the right thing at times in these hours.
Anyone have advice?
How much maintenance would an absent father usually pay?
Has anyone given up a child for adoption?

(note: it's not about the money but a realistic desire to give my child the best life possible)

Thanks.

Econoline Van

Econoline Van wrote: »

Dear all,

I'm a male, late 20s, who has just been told by a girl who he had a one-night stand with last month that she is now pregnant and it's definitely mine.
She lives 80km away and being honest I don't see any chance of a relationship between us.
Obviously, a million things are going through my mind. I'm not financially secure at the moment as I'm studying. She has no family in this country. One of us would have to move or else weekends would be the only time I could see the child....
Adoption, termination, just sending money and not being part of it, moving and playing as full a part as possible....all seem the right thing at times in these hours.
Anyone have advice?
How much maintenance would an absent father usually pay?
Has anyone given up a child for adoption?

(note: it's not about the money but a realistic desire to give my child the best life possible)

Thanks.

Hi Econoline...

Speaking from the VP of a girl in her early twenties here.

If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you've answered your own question regarding the abortion option: when you talk about your desire to help your child to have the best life possible, you're envisioning a future with him/her, and I respect you very much for that. Whether or not he or she will be a part of your life is a different matter and is up to you and the child's mother.

Do you know what she wants (or at least what she's leaning towards)? Discuss things with her: what each of you think is the most responsible thing to do for the baby, what each of you is feeling at the moment, . You do need to keep in contact. I can only imagine how awkward it must be right now, but if you try speak to her in a rational way, she'll be more likely to mirror your calm attitude and that'll make things easier for both of you. She will be grateful for you keeping in touch. And yes, it's likely that a boyf/girlf relationship won't emerge out of this, but it is possible to see one another as good acquaintences and she may even want to be friends. It's lonely being away from family, even if you do have friends in your adopted country.

Have you told any of your family/friends at this stage? You will certainly need to confide in (at least) a close friend at some stage: this is too big for anyone to shoulder on their own.

Econoline Van

I've told two close friends, both female, one of whom had a baby last year. I wish I could tell more because it's a difficult thing to carry round and try to act normally.

I tried to bring up options such as adoption in a calm and measured tone with the girl earlier but she broke down. I don't think she'll entertain the notion of termination even if faced with the cold, hard facts of what her life will be like in 8 months time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It seems an option right now as I feel slightly removed from the situation and being honest am walking around functioning as a zombie right now. It's the only way I can cope.

Nevyn

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

They have crises pregnancy counseling for women, men and couples.
They will be able to give you a lot of information about all the supports and services for all the different options.

COUNSELLING AND MEN

When an unplanned pregnancy happens, a lot of the focus is often on how the woman is feeling, but men are affected by crisis pregnancy too. Even if you have a good relationship with the pregnant woman, you may be shocked and upset or feel that you don’t know where to turn for support or information. Men sometimes feel that they have to bury their own feelings to be a strong support for their partner. You may also be worried about how you will cope as a father, how you will manage financially or how the baby will affect your relationship with the baby’s mother.

If your relationship with the pregnant woman is difficult, or you are not together you may feel shut out. You may disagree with her about what to do next. You may also have questions about where you stand and what your rights are as a father.

Crisis pregnancy counselling is not just for women. If you have issues or questions around a pregnancy, such as financial worries or questions about parenthood, adoption or abortion, an appointment with a counsellor can help you get through the difficult phase.

Men affected by crisis pregnancy can get free counselling support. Men can also get free post-abortion support.

lynski

slow down. 1 night stand, girl lives far away? how well do you really know her? can u really be sure it is your child?
take your time, it can work out, but there is 8 mths before the child arrives and then a whole life time ahead.

Econoline Van

lynski wrote: »

slow down. 1 night stand, girl lives far away? how well do you really know her? can u really be sure it is your child?
take your time, it can work out, but there is 8 mths before the child arrives and then a whole life time ahead.

She said I can do a paternity test if I want to be sure.

Cookie Jar

Econoline Van wrote: »

She said I can do a paternity test if I want to be sure.

Without causing offence to you or the girl in question.
I would definitely take one.

Econoline Van

Cookie Jar wrote: »

Without causing offence to you or the girl in question.
I would definitely take one.

I will.
I do trust her but I will.

It's such a hard thing, I'm quite tough mentally but I just don't know what to think in this situation.

Econoline Van

Econoline Van wrote: »

I've told two close friends, both female, one of whom had a baby last year. I wish I could tell more because it's a difficult thing to carry round and try to act normally.

I tried to bring up options such as adoption in a calm and measured tone with the girl earlier but she broke down. I don't think she'll entertain the notion of termination even if faced with the cold, hard facts of what her life will be like in 8 months time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It seems an option right now as I feel slightly removed from the situation and being honest am walking around functioning as a zombie right now. It's the only way I can cope.

I think most people would be the same way as you are were they in that situation. I don't mean this to sound patronising in the least but make sure you look after yourself properly for the next while: eight hours' sleep, exercise, eat healthy, make time to hang out with your friends or do something nice on your own...it's the least you should be doing for your own well-being.

Going on the girl's reaction, have either of you thought about fostering? It's another option out there that's kind of lumped in with adoption, so it's easily forgotten. Foster care would give you both a few extra months to think and to figure out what's best. Here's some info from Citizens' Information: http://is.gd/76S2V. Cura can also direct you to info on fostering: http://is.gd/76Sew

I think it'd be helpful for you to get in touch with Cura apart from finding out about fostering as well. You'll be able to talk to someone qualified who'll be able to go through your current situation and suggest where to go from here. Here's the link: http://is.gd/76Sl4.

Sorry I don't know how to use links more efficiently here on boards...so much for the HTML module I took last semester. :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Pregnant. Alone in a foreign country and a panicked father. Boy does that ring bells.

I think you should take time to let the shock settle before you short circuit on trying to work all of this out. The fear you are both in will drive you to chaos and a big old mess. Sit down with a glass of whiskey and some deep breaths. Its not cancer. Its not the end of the world though it may seem that way. Do see a counsellor.

Gyalist

Don't take her word for it. Insist that she takes a pregnancy test in your presence or proof from a doctor that she is indeed pregnant.

Mr Benevolent

Gyalist wrote: »

Don't take her word for it. Insist that she takes a pregnancy test in your presence or proof from a doctor that she is indeed pregnant.

Grasping at straws imo. OP were you asking her to give the child up for fostering or adoption? Or asking her to terminate the pregnancy for your convenience? If not then that's the way it sounded. Overreaction I presume. Just try to relax, think it over, make any decision sensible. You have time to think.

Econoline Van

Deleted User wrote: »

I think most people would be the same way as you are were they in that situation. I don't mean this to sound patronising in the least but make sure you look after yourself properly for the next while: eight hours' sleep, exercise, eat healthy, make time to hang out with your friends or do something nice on your own...it's the least you should be doing for your own well-being.

Going on the girl's reaction, have either of you thought about fostering? It's another option out there that's kind of lumped in with adoption, so it's easily forgotten. Foster care would give you both a few extra months to think and to figure out what's best. Here's some info from Citizens' Information: http://is.gd/76S2V. Cura can also direct you to info on fostering: http://is.gd/76Sew

I think it'd be helpful for you to get in touch with Cura apart from finding out about fostering as well. You'll be able to talk to someone qualified who'll be able to go through your current situation and suggest where to go from here. Here's the link: http://is.gd/76Sl4.

Sorry I don't know how to use links more efficiently here on boards...so much for the HTML module I took last semester. :rolleyes:

Yeah, thankfully I was in a pretty good place mentally and physically when I heard the news. I also feel mature enough to deal with this and now I can get through it.
The most negative thing is not knowing the mother really at all except for basic facts and first impressions. I think our first course of action should be to get to know one another. I will meet her and bring along photos of my family and things like that and try to make her feel like I'm not a stranger who has helped to mess up her life.

I didn't think about fostering and I will consider it, the same with the other options. I know it'll be hard to talk about these as my brief mention of adoption resulted in hysterics.
I will talk to Cura also.

Does anyone have opinions on parents disagreeing strongly on the course of action? As in, if I REALLY think adoption is the best thing to do, just how strongly should I insist on it? Or should the female ultimately have the decision?

Econoline Van

Confab wrote: »

Grasping at straws imo. OP were you asking her to give the child up for fostering or adoption? Or asking her to terminate the pregnancy for your convenience? If not then that's the way it sounded. Overreaction I presume. Just try to relax, think it over, make any decision sensible. You have time to think.

Absolutely not. I'm 100% doing what I think is best for my child.

I brought up adoption as something to think about. It would be ridiculous not to consider every option in a situation where the parents have met just once.

Termination....I don't know what I think about that to be honest. I'm not sure I can even go there mentally yet.

metrovelvet

Why do you think adoption would be better for the child than being raised by his or her mother? You dont think she'd do a good job? That's how i would hear that.

Gyalist

Confab wrote: »

Grasping at straws imo. OP were you asking her to give the child up for fostering or adoption? Or asking her to terminate the pregnancy for your convenience? If not then that's the way it sounded. Overreaction I presume. Just try to relax, think it over, make any decision sensible. You have time to think.

How is it grasping at straws? The OP only has the woman's word that she is pregnant but no proof. This may be outside of your experience, but there are women out there who try to manipulate men into relationships by claiming that they are pregnant.

Econoline Van

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why do you think adoption would be better for the child than being raised by his or her mother? You dont think she'd do a good job? That's how i would hear that.

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

Gyalist

You claim in one post that you've met her just once and in another that you trust her. That, IMHO, is extremely naive.

As Ronald Reagan famously said, "Trust, but verify."

Econoline Van

Gyalist wrote: »

You claim in one post that you've met her just once and in another that you trust her. That, IMHO, is extremely naive.

As Ronald Reagan famously said, "Trust, but verify."

I'm not sure are you trying to wind me up, which if you are is rather insensitive, but I didn't claim anything. I met her once consisting of meeting in a club, talking at home that night and talking a few hours the next day. And now talking on the phone numerous times. From that I've decided that she seems trustworthy, and while I will seek verification at a later date, for the moment I trust her and am going with it.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why do you think adoption would be better for the child than being raised by his or her mother? You dont think she'd do a good job? That's how i would hear that.

The time isn't right for her and him and there are couples out there who'd die for a child right now, waiting for years.

The Corinthian

Econoline Van wrote: »

How much maintenance would an absent father usually pay?

No simple answer, I'm afraid. In realistic terms, legally and unless the matter goes to a higher court, it is presently capped at €150 p.w. Your own financial situation will have a baring on it, of course, so that if unemployed you'll pay much less than if employed full time. Even then it could be anything between €5 and €50 per week - depends on the judge.

You are not legally required to pay anything up until after the birth, although some portion of maternity expenses are also your responsibility.

Thaedydal wrote: »

They have crises pregnancy counseling for women, men and couples.

I'd talk to some male friends or guys who have been in the same situation than any councilling service TBH as, from experience, I have very little faith in any of the ones out there.

Pro-Life ones will tend to look after the interests of the child, mother and father in that order. Pro-Choice ones will tend to look after the interests of the mother, child and father in that order. Either way the father is often little more than an afterthought, there only to facilitate and support the mother.

Talking to some men who have been in your situation will be far more beneficial to you, both in practical terms and also because they know where you are now.

Econoline Van wrote: »

I brought up adoption as something to think about. It would be ridiculous not to consider every option in a situation where the parents have met just once.

Not wanting to be cynical about it, but either a woman decides to have a child or she doesn't. If she doesn't she'll have an abortion, if she does, she'll keep it. Adoption is now the exception rather than the rule, and while it does still happen, it's become uncommon.

Likewise even if it is in the child's interests to be adopted and she wants to keep it, then she'll keep it. As such, while you might want to keep that option in there, the reality is that it's not really, even if lip service is paid towards it - so don't waste too much time pursuing it.

Econoline Van wrote: »

I met her once consisting of meeting in a club, talking at home that night and talking a few hours the next day. And now talking on the phone numerous times. From that I've decided that she seems trustworthy, and while I will seek verification at a later date, for the moment I trust her and am going with it.

That is a very bad basis on which to place your trust in anyone. This is not to suggest that she is not trustworthy, only that there is far too much scope for her not to be.

Be clear with her that you will require a DNA test after the birth (if things go down that route), given the circumstances. If she is trying to pull a fast one, then this may cause her to change her mind.

Grawns

First of all, Yikes! What a horrible situation. Secondly, I'm wondering where the girl is from ( Is she from a very poor background). It does sounds very suspicious to me. First, I'd want to see her take a pregnancy test. Then I'd want to be there for the 1st scan where they can date the pregancy to within a few days if done early enough. That's it offer to take her for a dating scan. You can then be reasurred as to the veracity of the pregnancy and move on from there. Better than waiting for a DNA test and getting emotionally involved.

She should only be a few weeks pregnant now and this is very clear in an early scan. A later scan is much harder to date.

She may ask just ask you for a shed load of money so she can return to be with her family. If i were pregnant and far from home that's what I'd do.

metrovelvet

Econoline Van wrote: »

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

Adoption doesnt guarantee that, just so you know.

But ultimately this is her decision.

The counsellor is still a good idea so you have confidentiality and a place to vent so you dont end up dumping on your friends or this woman.

Nevyn

Counselling for men who are in this situation is a recent developement and I think a good one as there are two adults facing the consequnces of thier actions. There are men who are in a range of situations and with a range of 'realtionship' with the woman who finds herself pregnant.

The counsellor will deal with the client infront of them and work with them on thier issues and what they are going through, it is client focused, free and can be for more then one session.

seamus

Econoline Van wrote: »

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

I agree with Corinthian when he says that talking to men who've been in the same situation is probably the best course of action. Even going along to some single fathers' night, I'm sure you'll find a large number of men who've been exactly where you are and who can give you actual real-life experience of what raising a child outside of a standard two-parent household is like.

There's no reason why a perfectly happy and secure child requires a two-parent household. Millions of children get on just fine without.

Don't worry too much about being able to provide. Millions of your ancestors managed to raise their kids just fine without half of the means that you have now.

As you say, the first course of action is to get to know one another, get talking to her. Depending on how far along she is, you may have a few weeks of getting to know eachother and talking about it before you have to choose a path. You never know, you might get along like a house on fire and a relationship might develop out of it. It's not unheard of for a one-night stand to lead to a child and then lead to a happy relationship.

Econoline Van

Thanks for the replies all.

At the moment I'm trying to identify good people to talk to. I will devote a lot of time to gaining as much information as possible so I know what's in store.
I see what you mean Corinthian about adoption and being honest I know it's extremely unlikely that it'll happen.
If we're having this child I'll throw myself into it, it's an adventure and whatever it costs me per year, the idea of spending time seeing my own flesh and blood grow up is priceless.
I'll have a better idea after spending time with the girl anyway.
And yes, I will do everything to make sure it's mine before things get too far.
She won't ask for a lump sum and returning to her country isn't an option anyway.

Gyalist

The Corinthian wrote: »

I'd talk to some male friends or guys who have been in the same situation than any councilling service TBH as, from experience, I have very little faith in any of the ones out there.

Talking to some men who have been in your situation will be far more beneficial to you, both in practical terms and also because they know where you are now.

Well, I did try to talk to him up-thread and he accused me of trying to wind him up. I guess the most charitable interpretation could be that the shock and stress of the situation has him not thinking logically.

First, the pregnancy has to be established as fact before any other decisions can be made. This is not to cast any doubt on the veracity of the woman's claim or her virtue, but to protect your own material interests.

Secondly, I don't know anyone who gives their phone number to a one-night stand and remains in contact with them afterward. Doing so tends to lead one party into having unrealistic expectations of a relationship. It is not unheard of for women to claim to be pregnant to get a guy who seems to have ambivalent feelings about them to commit to a relationship.

About this time last year a friend of mine was involved in an almost similar situation with a woman who was a non-EU citizen. I gave him similar advice and it transpired that she wasn't pregnant. Her employer had made all the staff redundant and as a work permit holder she was desperate to remain in Ireland so came up with this plan to trap my friend into a relationship.

The Corinthian

Gyalist wrote: »

Well, I did try to talk to him up-thread and he accused me of trying to wind him up. I guess the most charitable interpretation could be that the shock and stress of the situation has him not thinking logically.

It's quite possible. It's also possible that he wants for her to be pregnant - maybe a lot more than she does.

First, the pregnancy has to be established as fact before any other decisions can be made. This is not to cast any doubt on the veracity of the woman's claim or her virtue, but to protect your own material interests.

Unless he wants to take urine samples directly, there's no way of being certain right now and he is as well off to wait until it becomes blatantly obvious, in the meantime giving her the qualified benefit of the doubt.

By qualified I mean that he does not take it upon himself to suddenly take her in and support her. Or 'loan' her a big wad of cash. Or have sex with her.

metrovelvet wrote: »

The counsellor is still a good idea so you have confidentiality and a place to vent so you dont end up dumping on your friends or this woman.

You have to be taking the piss. So for men councilling is simply somewhere to 'vent' where we won't bother anyone?

metrovelvet

Twist my words away. Go ahead. Have fun. Let me know if you need a hula hoop.

No. Its a safe, confidential place to air your feelings withiut burdening others and without doing potential emotional damage.

Econoline Van

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's quite possible. It's also possible that he wants for her to be pregnant - maybe a lot more than she does.



By qualified I mean that he does not take it upon himself to suddenly take her in and support her. Or 'loan' her a big wad of cash. Or have sex with her.

! :eek: I really don't. I can't stress that enough.

There will also be no "taking in", wads of cash or sex.
There'll be mature and realistic support if and when the time comes.

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote: »

Twist my words away. Go ahead. Have fun. Let me know if you need a hula hoop.

No. Its a safe, confidential place to air your feelings withiut burdening others and without doing potential emotional damage.

With respects, I'm not trying to twist your words, although perhaps I misunderstood where you're coming from.

From a male perspective, venting is all very well, but it's not really what we're looking for. What men want/need is advice, perspective, options, solutions. Venting might make one feel better in the immediate term, but ultimately it solves nothing. If we wanted to do only that, we could go out and get drunk.

I'll still take a hula hoop though.