Unplanned and Messy Situation Pregnancy

Nevyn

The Corinthian and metrovelvet you have both had multiple warnings about derailing threads to make them about your joint issues, I have deleted the posts and am esclating this matter to the cat mods to deal with cos frankly I am too sick of it to be impartial at this stage.

run_Forrest_run

Econoline Van wrote: »

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

IMO I think you are over-reacting and possibly looking for a cop-out. you said you are in you late 20's right? Well come one now, it's not as if you are fifteen or something.
Yes, you want the best for your child and to be honest with you this is good to hear. Why do you feel you (or the mother) cannot give the child the best? Right now things look hard and bleak but as others have said here, take some time to talk it through.
Are your parents still alive? If so could you have a talk with them, life experience can be a massive help in times like this.

Econoline Van

run_Forrest_run wrote: »

IMO I think you are over-reacting and possibly looking for a cop-out. you said you are in you late 20's right? Well come one now, it's not as if you are fifteen or something.
Yes, you want the best for your child and to be honest with you this is good to hear. Why do you feel you (or the mother) cannot give the child the best? Right now things look hard and bleak but as others have said here, take some time to talk it through.
Are your parents still alive? If so could you have a talk with them, life experience can be a massive help in times like this.

Ok, I'm slightly more relaxed today. And I/we will wait weeks if not months before deciding anything or making any decisions on things.
I didn't think we could provide as I am studying right now and wished to continue for another 2 years. She is working and not earning much. We are far apart. The obstacles just seem big right now. Not insurmountable sure, but big nonetheless.
I won't tell my parents. Not right now anyway.

Deliverance

Econoline Van wrote: »

Ok, I'm slightly more relaxed today. And I/we will wait weeks if not months before deciding anything or making any decisions on things.
I didn't think we could provide as I am studying right now and wished to continue for another 2 years. She is working and not earning much. We are far apart. The obstacles just seem big right now. Not insurmountable sure, but big nonetheless.
I won't tell my parents. Not right now anyway.

First of all I read this thread twice. Secondly I checked your previous posts to make sure this wasn't a WUM post. It is a complicated situation for sure but it always is when it comes to having kids.

From similar personal experience I can offer this: I was in my second year of intensive study on an Honours degree when we/myself and my ex got pregnant. It was not planned and we both decided to have our child. Personally it was the best decision we ever made as I / we now have a lovely daughter 4yrs plus.

I managed to complete my studies and passed etc despite other incredible issues that happened. My little girl was delivered to me at 11am on a summer morning and I never looked back and indeed never regreted it.

As for payment I pay as much as I can outside the court thing. Every penny I have goes towards my little ones security and happiness, I can't actually put a price on that, I just pay out what is actually needed and then some.

Despite all the issues that the OP has, I do feel that a v.mature approach has been made on the situation and that in itself has to be commended. I do suspect though that the OP is looking forward to having a child despite the complications announced. I do suspect a certain amount of wishful thinking and a wanting to be a parent in this mix.

I reckon in all this: a test is in order to determine whether the child is the OP's or not, horrible I know but I think the OP is indeed naive and an incredibly nice person that potentially could be in the process of being taken for a ride.

This will turn our v.wrong or v.right in that respect.

Econoline Van

Deliverance wrote: »

First of all I read this thread twice. Secondly I checked your previous posts to make sure this wasn't a WUM post. It is a complicated situation for sure but it always is when it comes to having kids.

From similar personal experience I can offer this: I was in my second year of intensive study on an Honours degree when we/myself and my ex got pregnant. It was not planned and we both decided to have our child. Personally it was the best decision we ever made as I / we now have a lovely daughter 4yrs plus.

I managed to complete my studies and passed etc despite other incredible issues that happened. My little girl was delivered to me at 11am on a summer morning and I never looked back and indeed never regreted it.

As for payment I pay as much as I can outside the court thing. Every penny I have goes towards my little ones security and happiness, I can't actually put a price on that, I just pay out what is actually needed and then some.

Despite all the issues that the OP has, I do feel that a v.mature approach has been made on the situation and that in itself has to be commended. I do suspect though that the OP is looking forward to having a child despite the complications announced. I do suspect a certain amount of wishful thinking and a wanting to be a parent in this mix.

I reckon in all this: a test is in order to determine whether the child is the OP's or not, horrible I know but I think the OP is indeed naive and an incredibly nice person that potentially could be in the process of being taken for a ride.

This will turn our v.wrong or v.right in that respect.

Thanks for the input Deliverance and it's nice to read your story. I hope I end up as happy, and I believe I will. I met the mother this weekend for the first time since I heard the news and it went fine. She'll keep it for sure. Although things will be hard, they will never be hard enough for her to ever justify a termination or adoption. (Unless it's twins, in which case we'll put them straight on Ebay and never speak of this incident again!! ) And, yes, I'm happy I guess. Of course I am looking forward to being a parent, it's natural I suppose being the age I am. Life is about challenges and experiences and really when the time comes I will give it everything to be the best father I can be. I'll do my best with finance and hopefully before long I will be in a decent job and everything will be ok.

I will get a paternity test, don't worry. I'm not naive, believe me! Even if I might sound it here. I'm tough, adaptable and philosophical and if it turns out I'm not the father then so be it and I'll keep living my life with no regrets and with a cracking tale for the pub.

Gardalover

Gyalist wrote: »

How is it grasping at straws? The OP only has the woman's word that she is pregnant but no proof. This may be outside of your experience, but there are women out there who try to manipulate men into relationships by claiming that they are pregnant.

Or a other option would be that the father dont want to believe.

Gardalover

Econoline Van wrote: »

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

Why in gods name you dont concider that in the first place.

Having sexual intercource with out "protection" if you know
the risks of getting her pregnant and second you know that she
has not a family here and now you want let the baby grow up with out
his/her mother , what humanity you are living in.??

Then the mother has nothing anymore and the child have no mother.

what so ever then photos of your family would not help
to ease the pain of growing up with out FAMILY.

"Get a grip " you are both brought this together
and even if you dont have any money to support
the child , then you must have used a Condom instead of
using nothing.

Thats what you get if you are "using" Foreign ladys
for a one night ride.

Now you are paying the price.

Econoline Van

Gardalover wrote: »

Why in gods name you dont concider that in the first place.

Having sexual intercource with out "protection" if you know
the risks of getting her pregnant and second you know that she
has not a family here and now you want let the baby grow up with out
his/her mother , what humanity you are living in.??

Then the mother has nothing anymore and the child have no mother.

what so ever then photos of your family would not help
to ease the pain of growing up with out FAMILY.

"Get a grip " you are both brought this together
and even if you dont have any money to support
the child , then you must have used a Condom instead of
using nothing.

Thats what you get if you are "using" Foreign ladys
for a one night ride.

Now you are paying the price.

:rolleyes:
Sometimes boards.ie is a great place and sometimes.....well, sometimes it's this here above.

Sleepy

Glad to see you're not the overly-sensitive type Econoline, that'll stand to you over the next few months!

Do tell the parents as soon as you can now that the decision's been made. My o/h and myself weren't together very long when she got pregnant so I brought her down to introduce to the family for a weekend before going down another weekend shortly after on my own to break the news as I felt it'd be better for them to at least know who X was that was pregnant.

In your case, that's probably not an option but do try and introduce the girl to your family as soon as you can. She'll need as much support as she can get when she's going through all this in a foreign country and even knowing that your family aren't monsters will be some peace of mind for her.

run_Forrest_run

Gardalover wrote: »

Why in gods name you dont concider that in the first place.

Having sexual intercource with out "protection" if you know
the risks of getting her pregnant and second you know that she
has not a family here and now you want let the baby grow up with out
his/her mother , what humanity you are living in.??

Then the mother has nothing anymore and the child have no mother.

what so ever then photos of your family would not help
to ease the pain of growing up with out FAMILY.

"Get a grip " you are both brought this together
and even if you dont have any money to support
the child , then you must have used a Condom instead of
using nothing.

Thats what you get if you are "using" Foreign ladys
for a one night ride.

Now you are paying the price.

wow, and you are paying the price for not attending English classes!
go back to loving some more gardai :rolleyes:

Gardalover

http://www.condoms.ie/


Here you go for the next time dont forget the jonnies

and this is for all the irish lads especially for the Gardai!!!

am i bovvered

Hi econoline van,
Its good to see you have kept your head with some of the nonsense that been posted on this thread, well done.

There has also been some very good posters with constructive advice.
Even though this news came as a big shock, as time goes by (usually) it will end up being a great blessing. I hope you can continue to improve and grow your relationship with your childs mother, by all accounts she sounds reasonable and conscientious, you could have done a lot worse IMO building this relationship should be your number 1 priority, because when tougher times come the trust you would have built up will be tested.
No person is ever "ready" to be a parent, I am 37 and have a 15 year old son and 11 year old daughter, you sound a more sensible than we did at the start.
start.

You are 100% correct to go with your gut instinct and have the trust that she is being truthful to you. I would agree with you in getting a paternity test and to be up front about that from the start, but leave it at that and have the trust.

If you have a good relatonship with you family and friends I would teel them around the 5 month time, they will also need time to get over the shock (as ye did) and get around to looking forward to the new arrival.

Also don't panic about anything, just stick to the basics love your kid, respect their mother.

am i bovvered

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why do you think adoption would be better for the child than being raised by his or her mother? You dont think she'd do a good job? That's how i would hear that.

Option 1. Mother decides that the child would be given up for adoption, both parents not ready to bring up a child.

Option 2. Mother decides to raise the child, the Father has very limited or no contact with the child.

Slightly of topic because it doesn't now apply here but I believe right or wrong most Fathers would feel better about justifying option 1 to themselves and in the future to the child.

Mcloke

Econoline Van wrote: »

I want the child to be given the best opportunity to have a good life. Both of us hardly have the ability to maintain ourselves at the moment. I would like my child to grow up in a happy and secure household with a father and mother who give love and care and can provide. I don't see that as possible right now. It's not easy to say that but it's true.

Unfortunately that does not always happen for children given up for adoption so do not assume it to be so. If she wants to raise the child and you decide you do not then you have no right to force her to give the child up for adoption as much as she has no right to remove you from the childs life if you want to be part of it.

Mcloke

Gyalist wrote: »

How is it grasping at straws? The OP only has the woman's word that she is pregnant but no proof. This may be outside of your experience, but there are women out there who try to manipulate men into relationships by claiming that they are pregnant.

Yes this is true but considering the OP is not saying there is no way it is mine...there obviously was the possibility that she got pregnant having sex with him so why assume she is lying. I would probably get a paternity test in the same situation but would assure her that it is not because I think she is lying. In fairness due dates and baby scans (predicted age) will let him figure out how likely it is that the baby is his anyway.

Mcloke

K-9 wrote: »

The time isn't right for her and him and there are couples out there who'd die for a child right now, waiting for years.

She is not online stating that the time is not right for her or that she is not willing to make the time right for her baby so it is unfair to go on the OP assumptions about what may or may not be right for the woman. Yes there are many people who are hoping to adopt but that does not mean that they would make any better parents than the birth parent(s) if they choose to raise the baby alone or as co-parents.

Mcloke

Econoline Van wrote: »

Thanks for the input Deliverance and it's nice to read your story. I hope I end up as happy, and I believe I will. I met the mother this weekend for the first time since I heard the news and it went fine. She'll keep it for sure. Although things will be hard, they will never be hard enough for her to ever justify a termination or adoption. (Unless it's twins, in which case we'll put them straight on Ebay and never speak of this incident again!! ) And, yes, I'm happy I guess. Of course I am looking forward to being a parent, it's natural I suppose being the age I am. Life is about challenges and experiences and really when the time comes I will give it everything to be the best father I can be. I'll do my best with finance and hopefully before long I will be in a decent job and everything will be ok.

I will get a paternity test, don't worry. I'm not naive, believe me! Even if I might sound it here. I'm tough, adaptable and philosophical and if it turns out I'm not the father then so be it and I'll keep living my life with no regrets and with a cracking tale for the pub.

Glad to hear the meeting up went well and heck you are on a decent enough road...you can have a conversation with each other and make some decisions together as two adults with a little bit of life humour chucked in for good measure For as long as the two of you can talk and make decisions together then you will do ok. I wish you both well on your journey and assuming everything turns out ok...enjoy being a daddy and be the best daddy you can be

am i bovvered

Mcloke wrote: »

Unfortunately that does not always happen for children given up for adoption so do not assume it to be so. If she wants to raise the child and you decide you do not then you have no right to force her to give the child up for adoption as much as she has no right to remove you from the childs life if you want to be part of it.

In fairness the OP never gave the impression that he was going to try to "force" her into any decision, at that stage he had kust recieved the news and was thinking about their options

Mcloke

am i bovvered wrote: »

In fairness the OP never gave the impression that he was going to try to "force" her into any decision, at that stage he had kust recieved the news and was thinking about their options

No I wasn't implying (or at least not intending to) that he did intend to force her into any decision but he did ask "Does anyone have opinions on parents disagreeing strongly on the course of action? As in, if I REALLY think adoption is the best thing to do, just how strongly should I insist on it? Or should the female ultimately have the decision?" which is where I was coming from...making the point that they each had options and niether of them could force the other into a decision or at least should not be able to.
In fact I think the OP is being responsible for his actions and standing up when many men (not them all) would run a mile. I honestly hope that life works out for the two of them and the child they are planning to bring into the world and that he really enjoys being a dad

OUTOFSYNC

From my own experience - Just be prepared for the amount of love and bond you will feel for your child .... AND for the possibility that the mother might try to exclude your involvement in the child if her life takes another turn (she meets someone - moves away etc). You need to be supportive and to stay involved from the beginning and also look into getting legal guardianship.

Deliverance

OUTOFSYNC wrote: »

From my own experience - Just be prepared for the amount of love and bond you will feel for your child .... AND for the possibility that the mother might try to exclude your involvement in the child if her life takes another turn (she meets someone - moves away etc). You need to be supportive and to stay involved from the beginning and also look into getting legal guardianship.

I was thinking about the same myself. That is spot on advice and should be taken on board as advice experience wise. Nothing will prepare you for the unconditional love that happens when you become a parent to a child.

In that respect everyone who is not a parent and in the process of becoming one is by design naive. It is the best and worst thing that will happen to anyone no matter how mature and intelligent etc you are. Nothing will prepare anyone for this great event.

When a child arrives and is put into the mix in any situation it does change everything. It really does. Your whole perspective on life changes literally! Everything becomes dangerous as you may live life through the eyes of your child as a complete newcomer that needs an incredible amount of guidance and protection on a day to day basis.

Then there is the illnesses and coughs and splutters the potential for choking on food, allergys, bumps on head, frequent visits to the doc etc etc etc. The list is endless.

On the upside: they will look at you as their hero and love you no matter what you do. Even when your cranky and tired from the constant need for attention from you. Plus when after not seeing them for a few days they run at you full pelt almost knocking you over and hug you to the point of strangling you then you just know that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.

It is like I said the best and worst thing that will happen to you.

As for the practical advice on legal guardianship, yep do that as well. It is a responsible action to take for medical reasons first and for other reasons as well.

themysteriouson

Hi Ecololine
It definitely is a tricky situation for you and this girl to be in at the moment. I know you said that you are a student and she does not earn much at the moment. If you are worried about financial support for the fututre you should get in touch with your or her local welfare office and see what the options are for example she might qualify for a family income supplement or some kind of lone parent allowance (since you dont live together) or even maternity allowance. These services are in place for mothers/Fathers raising a child alone or without full time help from the other parent.
It obviously depends on her situation and how long she has been living here etc. but they would be happy to explain all this to both of you I'm sure.

The Corinthian

Mcloke wrote: »

Unfortunately that does not always happen for children given up for adoption so do not assume it to be so. If she wants to raise the child and you decide you do not then you have no right to force her to give the child up for adoption as much as she has no right to remove you from the childs life if you want to be part of it.

You're mixing up to issues, neither of which the OP has any control over, I'm afraid.

Not all children who are put up for adoption get a better life than if they had stayed with their biological parent(s) and not all children who stay with their biological parent(s) get a better life than if they are put up for adoption. Really comes down to how much (or little) the biological parent(s) can province or are capable/suitable and then making a decision in the interests of the child rather than either parent.

Secondly he has no right to to force her to give the child up for adoption. I don't think he technically has any right to force her not to give the child up for adoption. Or have/not have an abortion, for that matter. So there's little point in even suggesting it.

The adoption issue is a moot point anyway. She was a one night stand and she contacted him when she discovered she was pregnant. If she had any intention of not keeping it, she would never have let him know in the first place.

Deliverance

The Corinthian wrote: »

You're mixing up to issues, neither of which the OP has any control over, I'm afraid.

Not all children who are put up for adoption get a better life than if they had stayed with their biological parent(s) and not all children who stay with their biological parent(s) get a better life than if they are put up for adoption. Really comes down to how much (or little) the biological parent(s) can province or are capable/suitable and then making a decision in the interests of the child rather than either parent.

Secondly he has no right to to force her to give the child up for adoption. I don't think he technically has any right to force her not to give the child up for adoption. Or have/not have an abortion, for that matter. So there's little point in even suggesting it.

The adoption issue is a moot point anyway. She was a one night stand and she contacted him when she discovered she was pregnant. If she had any intention of not keeping it, she would never have let him know in the first place.

Wow you are really determined to create an argument outside the actual OP's topic!! Just because you are a mod doesn't give you a right to be a complete muppet.

K-9

Mcloke wrote: »

She is not online stating that the time is not right for her or that she is not willing to make the time right for her baby so it is unfair to go on the OP assumptions about what may or may not be right for the woman. Yes there are many people who are hoping to adopt but that does not mean that they would make any better parents than the birth parent(s) if they choose to raise the baby alone or as co-parents.

am i bovvered wrote: »

In fairness the OP never gave the impression that he was going to try to "force" her into any decision, at that stage he had kust recieved the news and was thinking about their options

Exactly, I was just replying to another post. Adoption is rarely considered now anyway.

Anyway the OP seems to be getting on fine and has a great attitude. Finding out is one of the scariest moments you'll ever have, but it's all uphill from here!

The Corinthian

Deliverance wrote: »

Wow you are really determined to create an argument outside the actual OP's topic!! Just because you are a mod doesn't give you a right to be a complete muppet.

Actually I was pointing out that the whole adoption discussion was off topic and ultimately moot - there's actually no point for an argument here on that subject.

embee

Deliverance wrote: »

Wow you are really determined to create an argument outside the actual OP's topic!! Just because you are a mod doesn't give you a right to be a complete muppet.

And the irony is that you're derailing the thread offtopic more than anyone else here.

Stay on topic folks, it's not helping the OP when you're bitching at each other like teenage girls.

Deliverance

embee wrote: »

And the irony is that you're derailing the thread offtopic more than anyone else here.

Stay on topic folks, it's not helping the OP when you're bitching at each other like teenage girls.

Have you actually read this whole thread through? Cue second infraction!!

Nevyn

Deliverance last warning before you get banned, stay on topic and don't comment on mod actions/warnings in thread.