Funny gags

Klingon Hamlet

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

---

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

---

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

---

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

---

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

---

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

---

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

---

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

---

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

---

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

---

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana..' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

---

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

---

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

---

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

---

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

---

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

---

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.... I said 'I careered off the road'

---

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

---

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

---

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

---

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

---

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Armin_Tamzarian

Won't somebody please think of the children!

Biggins

Question!

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Was Tommy Cooper actually aline when "Batman Forever" came out?
If not, how can it be one of his gags?

Not wishing to be confrontational or argumentative, just wondering.
They are all funny one-liners anyway. Cheers.

El Weirdo

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.... I said 'I careered off the road'

How could Tommy Cooper tell a joke that involved a mobile phone?

Klingon Hamlet

Biggins wrote: »

Question!



Was Tommy Cooper actually aline when "Batman Forever" came out?
If not, how can it be one of his gags?

Not wishing to be confrontational or argumentative, just wondering.
They are all funny one-liners anyway. Cheers.

Dammit I think I've been had! Got an email with the gags, damn.

Biggins

Aaa. Good title change.
We still luv ya!

That_Guy

Biggins

That_Guy wrote: »

[img][/img]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/91/Gags_ball_01.JPG

Have you been at my bedside locker again! :mad:
Wondered where they had went! I want them back. The sheep miss them!

Bonito

That_Guy wrote: »

I don't get it.........


Oh wait I do lmfao. :pac:

Fago!

This is the worst birthday ever!

El Weirdo

Ronan Keating wrote: »

What do you do if you see a protestant dancing in your front yard?











You stop laughing and reload.

You've changed since Stephen died.

brummytom

Most/(maybe)All of them are Tim Vine jokes, not Tommy Cooper

Iwasfrozen

Why is this here when we have a humour forum ?

Fago!

Because OP is a whore thanx whore!

Ronan Keating

What do you do if you see a protestant dancing in your front yard?


You stop laughing and reload.

Why was it deleted? It's a classic Savage Eye Joke. Mick "the Bull" Daly.

Fago!

Ronan Keating wrote: »

Why was it deleted?.

Who knows why anything happens?

As they say "Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it"

Ronan Keating

Fago_25 wrote: »

Who knows why anything happens?

As they say "Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it"

True

If I hurt your feelings then maybe we're even
'Cause I've been bereaving since you said you're leaving
But now you're by my side
Let's not fight
'Cause you're right

allanb49

1. I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

2. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

3. Women should be obscene and not heard.

4. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

5. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

6. Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

7. A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

8. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

9. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

10. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

11. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

12. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

13. Blood's not thicker than money.

14. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

15. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

16. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

17. Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

18. Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

19. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

20. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

21. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot

22. How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

23. I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

24. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

25. I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

26. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

27. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

28. I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

29. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

30. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

31. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

32. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

33. I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

34. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

35. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

36. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

37. Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

38. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

39. Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

40. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

41. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

42. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

43. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

44. Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

45. Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

46. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

47. She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

48. There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

49. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

50. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

51. Time wounds all heels.

52. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

53. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.

54. Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

55. Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

56. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

57. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

58. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

59. When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

60. Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

61. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

62. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

63. You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho Marx

Ronan Keating

What did Mikey say to Keith?


You

look like a warewolf

fullstop

Ronan Keating wrote: »

What did Mikey say to Keith?


You

look like a warewolf

Coooooooomeeeeeee oooooooooonnnn

Sharpshooter

You have now landed in The Cuckoo's Nest.