HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

lyndak082

HI,
just wondering if any of you psychologists/therapists/counsellors or ANYONE!!!!! could help me.....well actually my daughter. ill start from the begining...

my daughter is 9. when she was 2 1/2 and her sister was 8 months i left their father who had been abusing me physically, emotionally, verbally, finacially and all the rest. they saw and heard it all and my older daughter usually slept through it at night no matter how loud he got. they both slept in our room. i left him anyway and stayed in a refuge, got barring order and had him leave the house so i could go back. he got access through court saturday afternoons.

my older daughter who i will call ''mary'' seemed fine happy as larry so to speak. toilet trained without any bother but not at night, so i presumed shed be dry eventually. anyway access with their dad didnt go to good, the baby didnt take to him for months. he often just took mary but didnt want to return her and played loads of silly games to try get me back. didnt work.he started coming up to my house drunk every night ( hes also an alcoholic and takes drugs) shouting abuse in the letterbox, banging on the door, and twice he actually kicked the door in but was caught by the guards so we were safe. this went on for a year or so with the guards getting sick of coming to my house and they were claiming to have nothing to charge him with.

anyways i had enough i decided to leave and as the council wouldnt move me i just handed them back the keys and stayed with a friend. all of us in one bed! i moved to another town about 10 miles away and also met someone else. at this stage mary was four it was summer and she made new friends. i didnt tell my x where i was. i took the kids every sat on the bus to see him and often when it was time to collect them hed ring and say they wanted to sleep over. theyd often come home saying that he was drinking while they were there and id stop them going for a few weeks then id give in and let them go again.

my younger daughter who didnt really go that often eventually lost interest and stopped going. mary on the other hand wanted to go every week. i regularly recieved abusive phone calls and texts from my ex. my new partner moved in with us when mary was about 5, we had a son, and thinbgs were great. but my ex started to pass messages to him through mary, and she began to tell us how her dad didnt like him and what hed do to him if he catches him and stuff. i told my partner to ignore this coz all he wanted to do was start something. eventually he pushed all the buttons and stated a fight with him on the street one evening in the middle of town.

my partner floored him anyway and he never bothered me again with phone calls or texts. so we went through stages of mary goin to see him then not going for a few weeks, then going and coming home telling me he was drunk and fighting with his mother, sister, nieghbour etc. as time went on she became moodier and started to misbehave more often. just little things and still wetting the bed most nights. so when she was about 8 we moved house and she made alot more friends in our new estate, i was happy too because she began to spend saturdays with her friends and not with her dad, less worry for me.

then she got it into her head that she wanted to go see him one weekend i said ok, when she came home she said he had taken her down a laneway in the town center and he was drinking cans. also that he had often done this. i wasnt actually suprised as hed been known to do drink in laneways anyway but to do it with my child, thats just disgusting!! i was livid i rang him and i let him have it. of course he denied it, and was mad, wanting to speak to her. i said that if he wanted to see his child ever again to take me to court. of course he wont go near the courthouse as has warrants, fine etc. any since ive stopped her seeing him, ive explained to her exactly why and she seemed to understand. that was over a year ago and since then, very gradually her behaviour has just got sooo out of control. shes moody she still wets the bed. she does not want to do anything you ask her. she screams she stamps her feet, says she hates us. says my partner is not her dad he cant tell her what to do, he doesnt own her, she wants me to throw him out of the house, shes really angry.

ive tried talking to her and explaining why she doesnt see her da but she says its our fault and were really mean. shes grounded every second day. just yesterday i asked her to get into the car and she punched the car and said leave me alone! then five mins later its like it never happened. this morning she got up happy and cheerful, had her breakfast, when i asked her to put her uniform on she said no. i kept tellin her and she went into a mood and refused to get ready. she threw an unbelievable tantrum screaming at me to stop bossing her around. she would NOT get ready and eventually i had to leave her their and take the other kids to school. when i came back 5 mins later she was shouting at me for being mean to her that i wouldnt help her get ready. i asked her was she being bullied at school etc she said no. her behaviour is just getting worse and worse, punishment seems to only make her more angry.

i dont know what to do. sometimes it gets so bad i feel like just asking my partner to leave. i dont understand why she says she hates him so much, hes so good to her. i dont have any problems with her sister at all. what do you make of it all?????

Oryx

Hi.. Your situation with your ex and your daughter sounds terrible for you. It sounds to me like getting professional advice yourself in dealing with her might be beneficial. Hopefully someone here can recommend a person or organisation.

Listening to your story, it sounds like your daughter is terribly traumatised by her early years with her father, and the from dealing with loving him, yet knowing he is no good, and then not being able to see him at all. I know you say she understands, but she is a child. She wants her dad to be there for her, and to be a good dad, and thats not happening and she is sad, confused, and angry about that. Of course she blames you, she probably blames herself as well.

All l can say is stop seeing her behaviour as simply bad, and needing punishment. Talk to her about the feelings behind it, if you can. She needs listening to, she needs to vent her anger, she needs you to hear how she feels (even if you already do, its not enough). She is missing her dad, even if she knows hes a rotten one.

I hope you all get the help you need and that you manage to get to a better situation with your daughter.

silverharp

OP can you break the post into paragraphs, its very difficult to read

eimsRV

It sounds like you have been put through a lot. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, and when drinking it scared me how little regard he had for others, including our daughter. I really feel for your daughter, she is so young to have experienced that cr@p by her father. I don't think punishment or grounding her is going to fix this. I think she needs positive attention.

Do you spend much time with her on a one to one basis? Maybe arrange to do something just the two of you – go shopping, lunch, a girls day out kinda thing. While you are out have a chat with her, see if she’d like to do that type of thing more often? During this day out I wouldn’t bring up the subject of her dad, or her moods, but see if she opens up about what’s bothering her.

I also think you should enquire with your local health service/school about her seeing a counsellor.

Have you ever been to Al Anon meetings? I think your daughter is too young for the Alateen groups, but perhaps you could get some advice/guidance from Al Anon? http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm


Does your partner get on with the girls? Does he give them attention, etc? Maybe she is jealous of the time you spend with your partner, or jealous that her brother has his daddy around all the time and she doesn’t see hers at all.

I wish you the best of luck!