Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

foxinsox

The Great Unregged wrote: »

Alright folks, longtime boards user, going unreg for a few reasons (boring stuff - work etc.).

I know you've all heard this before, but you will recover (provided certain things are addressed). I've been a longtime sufferer (i hate saying it like that btw) of fairly severe depression (and by fairly severe, i mean that on the spectrum of depressive disorders there have been times when i was at the extreme end).

On paper, I've had the most successful and productive life I could have had, despite the crippling depression I have had to deal with (and still do deal with, every day). Severe clinical depression is something you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. It is simply the most devious, nasty, clever, and cruel foe anyone could ever have to face.

And whether you ended up with this illness (and it is an illness, go to any acute psychiatric ward for evidence) because of simple genetics, a stressful environment, childhood trauma, social isolation, alienation, or any of the other factors involved in causing this illness, it is very real.

And because it is very real, luckily, in this day and age of science and reason, it can be fixed to a measurable degree.

I battled for years with my depression (although i would never admit to being depressed oddly enough) through yoga, exercise, meditation, diet, tai chi, and general quackery. And one day, when I realised life was completely passing me by, I said 'fcuk it, let's give medical science a shot'.
And so I started on a course of SSRIs. Of course, I felt even worse (which i didn't think possible) for the first 3-4 weeks, and as soon as i felt better I'd have a few days where i'd feel right back in it, this time with horrible side effects.

But I persisted. And I slowly got my life back. And then life was flippin great, so I thought 'ah i don't need these silly happy pills anymore' and in fact denied that the pills had done any good in the first place, and off I went on my merry way.
Two years later, I hit my second depressive episode. And again I fought and fought to delude myself that there was nothing wrong with me that an apple and a workout wouldn't fix. Eventually, after being acutely suicidal for about 3 weeks, I reluctantly went back on to the SSRI I had been on before. And lo and behold a few months later, everything was right where i wanted and so I stopped taking the pills.

4 months after that, another episode, and the whole rigmarole again. After noticing the not-so-subtle pattern emerging, I resigned myself to going back on the medication for an indefinite length of time.

That was 5 years ago. I got better, much better, over the next 9 months or so, and pretty much did everything I ever wanted to do in the years after. I'd have the odd week or so where I would be so utterly depressed I couldn't get out of bed, but overall, these depressions were more managable and crucially, shorter than the episodes I had when I was younger.

Anywho I'm rambling here. I think my main point here is, that depression is very real, very common (talk to any GP or pharmacist about where most of their business comes from), and crucially, VERY treatable.

That last point there is the reason many people feel fobbed off by doctors when they are in the grips of despair and all the doctor wants to do is write you a prescription for some pills that seem at first to make everything worse. The unfortunate thing about the SSRIs as a drug class is the onset of action. Realistically you're talking AT LEAST 21 days before any noticeable effect comes about.
21 days when you are in the grip of severe depression seems like a lifetime. And even then, you don't get well overnight. Just when you get some glimmer of hope, the whole thing falls apart temporarily and it's more crushing than before, because now you think 'look i was fine yesterday and then this happened, i'm totally fcuked'.

And you're running to the doctors saying 'ffs i feel awful, i feel worse, wtf is wrong with me?', but they want to persist for another few weeks, and then re-assess. And you might end up having to change medication and do the whole thing again. It's exhausting even to think about.

But there are some things that make it slightly better.....exercise (and by exercise I mean really going hell for leather), attempting to keep some semblance of a normal sleeping pattern, a good diet (difficult when you have zero appetite i know), and some sort of therapy (CBT etc) just to give you that edge to hang on and pull through.

And there are things that make it worse.....isolation, drinking (can't emphasise that enough), drugs, and being reminded that the world is a fairly messed up place (so put your current affairs interest on hold - news of child massacres/lying politicians/national economic misery isn't going to help your condition one bit).

But hard as it is to believe it, people don't only recover from depression, they live fuller, better lives post-recovery than they ever would have had they not been struck with such an horrific illness. When you've been down in that hole of despair, you make promises to yourself that if you ever make it out of here, you're going to appreciate every day like it's a divine blessing.

Anywho, I've completely tangented here, but just want to say 'hang in there folks, get yourself a good doctor, and above all else, do not give up because it WILL get better with the right approach'.

Great post..

I could have written all that - but not as eloquently!

Thanks..

I'm going to read that again when I feel good and remind myself not to try and stop meds, from talking to others I think we all try that.

"Im better, feel good, I'll come off these silly meds!" :rolleyes:

I'm resigned to the fact that I will probably be on ssri's for the rest of my life. Doesn't really bother me anymore because I stopped letting it bother me.

stupidusername

howsyourtusk wrote: »

That's just not healthy though. I'm not judging you for feeling that way but seriously, you can't be sitting around on edge waiting for someone to contact you in that way. I do it too, especially if it's in the flirting/early stages of something but after a point contact eases up.

Is it that you just want to know he's thinking about you? Can you not turn that time when you're alone into a time just for yourself. Where you completely push him out of mind and just do things for you?

I know it is. it's only made worse by me not having a whole lot of interests, and that my friends work during the day and during the week. I wasn't feeling the best today so couldn't go jogging or out shopping, and was too tired to read too much. so I was just in all day with nothing to do. but at the same time I know if I was doing stuff I'd still be wondering...

it's just because contact is quite scare most of the day. but yeah, it is about knowing he's thinking about me. he seems so laid back and independent and I don't get the impression he thinks about me, or needs to be around me. if I got that impression I think I'd be more calm about it.

it's not good for me. I hate it.

I'm ok with having the space, I'm ok with being by myself. I just still like to have contact. I like to know he misses me etc...

howsyourtusk

stupidusername wrote: »

I know it is. it's only made worse by me not having a whole lot of interests, and that my friends work during the day and during the week. I wasn't feeling the best today so couldn't go jogging or out shopping, and was too tired to read too much. so I was just in all day with nothing to do. but at the same time I know if I was doing stuff I'd still be wondering...

it's just because contact is quite scare most of the day. but yeah, it is about knowing he's thinking about me. he seems so laid back and independent and I don't get the impression he thinks about me, or needs to be around me. if I got that impression I think I'd be more calm about it.

it's not good for me. I hate it.

I'm ok with having the space, I'm ok with being by myself. I just still like to have contact. I like to know he misses me etc...

Saying you haven't got much interests is pure rubbish, you know that. I don't know you from adam but every intelligent person has interests. You're just at a low ebb or you think you don't right now. It's all about distracting yourself. The internet not being the best for that

He does think about you. Probably every minute of every day! It's you wanting to constantly know that that's the issue for yourself. And even if he's not sure he's not with you, does it even matter? Surely it only matters when you spend time together?

I had a friend/friend with benefits once and for 3 years not a day went by were we didn't speak. In person, by phone, we'd text constantly. For the last 6 months she doesn't want to know me, now that's all my fault but I have huge problems getting over it because I miss that contact. I miss her loads too, I think about her all the bloody time but those bad habits, the constant contact led to me feeling **** about not having it any more. Can you try wean yourself off it? accept you'll feel bad sometimes. That dependency will stay with you if you don't. I'm off to bed, sleep tight

cloud493

I suppose talking to yourself, long as its 'internal dialogue' just spoken, isn't bad. Probably looks a bit odd though :rolleyes:

stupidusername

howsyourtusk wrote: »

Saying you haven't got much interests is pure rubbish, you know that. I don't know you from adam but every intelligent person has interests. You're just at a low ebb or you think you don't right now. It's all about distracting yourself. The internet not being the best for that

He does think about you. Probably every minute of every day! It's you wanting to constantly know that that's the issue for yourself. And even if he's not sure he's not with you, does it even matter? Surely it only matters when you spend time together?

I had a friend/friend with benefits once and for 3 years not a day went by were we didn't speak. In person, by phone, we'd text constantly. For the last 6 months she doesn't want to know me, now that's all my fault but I have huge problems getting over it because I miss that contact. I miss her loads too, I think about her all the bloody time but those bad habits, the constant contact led to me feeling **** about not having it any more. Can you try wean yourself off it? accept you'll feel bad sometimes. That dependency will stay with you if you don't. I'm off to bed, sleep tight

I thought that myself earlier, that i should try accept that maybe this is just the way he is. and in a way if it is the way he is (rather than a lack of interest) then i'm fairly ok with that. but at the same time I can't help but still wonder is he interested, or thinking about me or missing me - but it's something I probably only feel when i'm already feeling sensitive, like on days like this when i've nothing to do. like, if i had a job i wouldn't be able to have much contact during the day anyway!

talking to him about it, it feels stupid. because it's not like he has to talk to me all the time, i don't want it to be all the time. but I just need to know overall that he is thinking of me, and is looking forward to meeting next. just normal things. but he doesn't say stuff like that much at all. so in ithat way it's a bad combination.

anyway, sorry for going on. my head is melted.

howsyourtusk

Don't worry about it, too tired to give a proper reply, will do tomorrow

Princess Peach

I had a great day today compared to the last week Was up early for class anyway but didn't go back to bed when I came home for breakfast. Did a big clean out of my room and washed my bedding, was feeling mank since I barely got out of bed lately. Cleaned myself up too, was getting a bit slobby lately :pac: Good to do things and clear my space and put me in a better mood, just took me a while to get up the motivation!

Not too sure what caused the good mood. Had a small anxiety attack last night over something, and had a talk with my boyfriend about a few of my worries about our future because of my illness, but he was very supportive and eased my worries. Terrible night's sleep after but feeling good today then! Big turnaround, hope it stays

Princess Peach

Gillo wrote: »

Starting to feel crap again, once I'm keeping busy I'm ok but even stop for a few minutes and I realise how crap life seems. It's generally a feeling of utter loneliness but incredibly oppressive.

Just out of interest, does anyone else find they talk to themselves? I notice I do it a fair bit.

ALL THE TIME! But I'm kinda weird in general..

Gillo

Princess Peach wrote: »

ALL THE TIME! But I'm kinda weird in general..

Ah thanks, I think I'm the same, just have to laugh at it sometimes.
Busy day today, looking forward to it.

Princess Peach

Gillo wrote: »

Ah thanks, I think I'm the same, just have to laugh at it sometimes.
Busy day today, looking forward to it.

To make yourself feel better I will admit that not only do I talk to myself, I often talk to my stuffed cat I have here, and if I hear my phone beep I'll ask it/ myself I'll ask somebody who it is.

Just to put yourself in perspective with my crazy :pac:

cloud493

Princess Peach wrote: »

To make yourself feel better I will admit that not only do I talk to myself, I often talk to my stuffed cat I have here, and if I hear my phone beep I'll ask it/ myself I'll ask somebody who it is.

Just to put yourself in perspective with my crazy :pac:

Who doesn't do that? :pac:

howsyourtusk

I rant at the TV during VinB. Though I do watch it with the housemates sometimes :pac:

Gillo

Princess Peach wrote: »

To make yourself feel better I will admit that not only do I talk to myself, I often talk to my stuffed cat I have here, and if I hear my phone beep I'll ask it/ myself I'll ask somebody who it is.

Just to put yourself in perspective with my crazy :pac:

You'll know it's bad when the cat answers back. Seriously, I was wondering if it was my subconscious telling me something- kinda like dreams.

Keeping with the light heartedness, I spent a short while in St. Pats last years. They have a garden out the back of it and there's a small "crazy golf", one of the other patients had a visitor one day and they went out to have a play on it. After they were finished his friend pointed out "It's a bit insensitive calling it Crazy golf in here, could they not call it something like Challenging gold instead".

stupidusername

whatever happens today, i have to get out of the house.

Eroticplants

Sup ya'll.
Just been put on cymbalta by my doctor, anyone have any experience with it?

Temaz

Had a good day so far, had to do some work round the house. Feeling good after it.

Seren_

Princess Peach wrote: »

I had a great day today compared to the last week Was up early for class anyway but didn't go back to bed when I came home for breakfast. Did a big clean out of my room and washed my bedding, was feeling mank since I barely got out of bed lately. Cleaned myself up too, was getting a bit slobby lately :pac: Good to do things and clear my space and put me in a better mood, just took me a while to get up the motivation!

Not too sure what caused the good mood. Had a small anxiety attack last night over something, and had a talk with my boyfriend about a few of my worries about our future because of my illness, but he was very supportive and eased my worries. Terrible night's sleep after but feeling good today then! Big turnaround, hope it stays

That's great! I know how hard it is to keep up with the stuff like that. Hopefully the good mood a sign of things to come for you

Having serious urges to hurt myself today >.<

degausserxo

Yesterday was a rotten day. Got no work done and spent seven hours binging and making myself sick. Good day today though, getting stuff done and feeling more optimistic about my exams.

cloud493

Kaching wrote: »

titanic has hit the iceberg

What's up?

Kaching

cloud493 wrote: »

What's up?

catch 22 situation , trying to figure out whether I messed up once more or actually did something right

cloud493

Kaching wrote: »

catch 22 situation , trying to figure out whether I messed up once more or actually did something right

Ah. When will you know?

popsicklegirl

It's heartening to find that there are other people who are battling the black dog and who are willing to post about it in here. Why is it that when you mention the word Depression to people , they suddenly have to go and take in the washing or get ready to go collect someone or some other sh**e !!

I am finding it really really hard to keep going at the moment but people just don't seem to care anymore. I know that people say it is selfish to want to commit suicide because those who are left behind will be forever traumatised but what about the actual person who just doesn't want to go on any longer ?? Should one have to stay alive just to please other people ?

Sorry, I'm having a really bad day .

cloud493

popsicklegirl wrote: »

It's heartening to find that there are other people who are battling the black dog and who are willing to post about it in here. Why is it that when you mention the word Depression to people , they suddenly have to go and take in the washing or get ready to go collect someone or some other sh**e !!

I am finding it really really hard to keep going at the moment but people just don't seem to care anymore. I know that people say it is selfish to want to commit suicide because those who are left behind will be forever traumatised but what about the actual person who just doesn't want to go on any longer ?? Should one have to stay alive just to please other people ?

Sorry, I'm having a really bad day .

I think the idea is that the people that care will help you through it

Seren_

I think if you haven't gone through it yourself it would be difficult to understand... Like I know I wouldn't think someone who committed suicide was selfish, but's that's because I've been in that position myself so many times that I can understand how they felt there was no other way out.

Hope tomorrow's better for you popsicklegirl x

Gillo

popsicklegirl wrote: »

It's heartening to find that there are other people who are battling the black dog and who are willing to post about it in here. Why is it that when you mention the word Depression to people , they suddenly have to go and take in the washing or get ready to go collect someone or some other sh**e !!

I am finding it really really hard to keep going at the moment but people just don't seem to care anymore. I know that people say it is selfish to want to commit suicide because those who are left behind will be forever traumatised but what about the actual person who just doesn't want to go on any longer ?? Should one have to stay alive just to please other people ?

Sorry, I'm having a really bad day .

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day.

I've the same problem with telling people, a few friends know I'm sick, only because I don't drink and take these tablets but have no idea what I have. I've always been afraid to tell them, no idea how they'll take it. Then again another group of people I know, I told them and they were incredibly supportive- that said its a fraternal organisation I am involved in, so yeah, I'd expect them to be helpful!
I think part of it is ignorance, people don't know what to say or how to treat you. Some people also are afraid the low mood will drag their own mood down to, not contagious but it'll somehow affect them being around you.

Do you mind me are you feeling suicidal?
Yeah, it affects loved ones I saw how it tore apart an ex's family, that said having been suicidal in the past I have to agree with you. The amount of times I wanted to just shout back "Yeah but what the f&@k about me".

There was more I was going to write but, I'm fairly knackered and trying to write this on a phone, but if you need to rant, moan (often helpfull) or talk feel free to pm me.

cloud493

Ah well, Most people don't discuss it with people, myself included. Hence my lack of a counsellor. Its not cricket is it.

popsicklegirl

cloud493 wrote: »

I think the idea is that the people that care will help you through it

What do you do when you don't have any people that care ??

Your Text Here wrote

I think if you haven't gone through it yourself it would be difficult to understand... Like I know I wouldn't think someone who committed suicide was selfish, but's that's because I've been in that position myself so many times that I can understand how they felt there was no other way out.

Hope tomorrow's better for you popsicklegirl x

Thankyou

Gillo wrote

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day.

I've the same problem with telling people, a few friends know I'm sick, only because I don't drink and take these tablets but have no idea what I have. I've always been afraid to tell them, no idea how they'll take it. Then again another group of people I know, I told them and they were incredibly supportive- that said its a fraternal organisation I am involved in, so yeah, I'd expect them to be helpful!
I think part of it is ignorance, people don't know what to say or how to treat you. Some people also are afraid the low mood will drag their own mood down to, not contagious but it'll somehow affect them being around you.

Do you mind me are you feeling suicidal?
Yeah, it affects loved ones I saw how it tore apart an ex's family, that said having been suicidal in the past I have to agree with you. The amount of times I wanted to just shout back "Yeah but what the f&@k about me".

There was more I was going to write but, I'm fairly knackered and trying to write this on a phone, but if you need to rant, moan (often helpfull) or talk feel free to pm me.

Thankyou Gillo

I feel suicidal every day. When I wake up every morning I have those horrible waves in my stomach (panic attacks) at the prospect of having to face another day.

Have been to counselling years ago and done all the theraphy etc .
Fed up of it all now, just want it over and done with.


cloud493

Ah well, Most people discuss it with people, myself included. Hence my lack of a counsellor. Its not cricket is it.

Sorry , I just don't get what you are trying to say

cloud493

Sorry, that was meant to be don't. People don't talk about it. And you do have someone that cares. People just react badly sometimes. Or show it in funny ways. Everyone has someone who cares.

nesf

Stable sleep (yah!) but odd sleep, 10pm-4am every night for nearly a week now.

howsyourtusk

If you're telling someone you're depressed and they try and ignore it it's either because they actually don't care or more likely, they don't know what to do or say. I'm lucky in that I have an understanding family and friends who are also great to talk to about it. I'm not sure what the best approach is to convince people who don't seem to care. But I just doubt that they don't care. So good luck popsicklegirl, and remember, everyone on here cares and has no issue talking about it, if you ever feel really glum just come on here